Fml

by Shaun David Hutchinson

  “That happens sometimes,” said a deep, familiar voice from behind me. I slowly turned around, horrified to find Eli Horowitz sprawled on the floor between Cassie’s bed and the wall.

  I tried to push the knob back in but the tiny bits fell to the ground. There was no way out. I was trapped.

  “Balls.”

  Reality Bites

  When my mom found out that Ben and Coop were gay, she spent a month hinting to me that it would be okay if I were too. For a while, I had a complex about it, convinced that my mom secretly wanted a gay son because she believed that it would entitle her to an all-access pass into an elite club. She could tell people that her son was a homosexual and bypass the normal line at her hairdresser or get special discounts on shoes. I spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to convince her that I was completely, totally heterosexual, going so far as to purposely leave straight porn lying around where she could find it.

  If my mom could see me now, standing in front of Mrs. Castillo’s lavish closet, it would have undone all my hard work. Still, though I hated to admit it, I looked fucking hot in a skirt.

  The skirt was part of Stella’s plan, which she’d yet to fully explain. The first thing we’d done was find Ben and Coop and recruit them to our cause. Ben hadn’t taken much convincing; Coop had. I told him about seeing Eli and Cassie on the patio. Coop maybe didn’t totally support my telling Cassie how I felt, but he recognized the devastating implications of Eli being back in the picture. Eli Fucking Horowitz was a stumbling block I couldn’t overcome without help.

  Ben and Stella had suggested I wear something from Cassie’s closet, but I was too tall. Mrs. Castillo’s clothes probably weren’t much better, but Stella had declared that they’d do. Now she and Ben were arguing over what shade of lipstick I should wear while Coop stood by the door and tried not to laugh.

  “I have two questions,” I said to Stella when I’d finished admiring my ass in the mirror. Mrs. Castillo probably hadn’t worn any of these clothes since college, but they didn’t look too bad on me.

  “Only two?” Coop asked.

  Ben faced me, holding out a tube of lipstick. “Yes, you’re pretty. And no, I won’t sleep with you.”

  “Thank you,” I said. “And ew.”

  While he was distracted, Stella snatched the lipstick from Ben and tossed it behind her. He looked appalled and bent to retrieve it. “Do you like having hands?” Stella asked.

  “Whatever,” Ben said. “If you want him to look like a two-dollar hooker, by all means, go with Passion Pink.”

  I couldn’t tell why Ben and Stella were bickering, but it had been nearly constant since they’d entered the same room. “I prefer the term ‘working girl,’ ” I said, trying to defuse the tension.

  Stella ignored everyone and pushed a chair across the room so that she could stand on it and apply the winning lipstick. She smeared it across my lips and it felt like bacon fat. Of course, it wasn’t the first time I’d dressed in women’s clothing, but that had been Halloween and I hadn’t so much dressed up as a girl as dressed up as a zombie Charlie’s Angel. It had been Ben’s idea, and he, Coop, and I had won first place in the Rendview Junior High costume contest.

  “Back to my questions,” I said when Stella had finished with the makeup. “Where’d you get the wig, and why do I have to be the one to dress up like a girl? Especially since you already mostly look like a girl.”

  Instead of answering me, Stella hopped down off the chair to admire her handiwork. When she was satisfied, she slipped the lipstick into her purse and said, “I’ll hold on to this.”

  “The only person this is going to fool is your stupid blind dog,” Coop said from his post by the door. His job was to make sure no one came into the bedroom. He didn’t have the fashion sense Ben did anyway, and if he’d picked out my clothes I’d have ended up in a burka cut from the Castillos’ sheets.

  “Falcor isn’t stupid,” Stella said. “He’s very smart, actually.”

  Ben bit back a laugh. “Then how come I caught him trying to hump the beer keg earlier?”

  “It’s a party. Half your class is out there humping the keg.” Stella disappeared into the closet muttering something about my hairy belly button. The blouse they’d dressed me in didn’t quite give me the necessary coverage.

  “Remember Stevie Kayne?” Ben asked. I nodded. “I loaned him my Halloween wig when the drama club did Hairspray. He brought it to barter.”

  “So you got it from Stevie?”

  Ben shook his head. “He’d traded it to Naomi for a bottle of absinthe that I’m pretty certain is fake. Naomi traded the wig to Jamison Belko for some of those berries that are supposed to change the way everything tastes.”

  Stella popped her head out of the closet. “Those things make vinegar taste like apple juice.”

  “Cool,” Coop said.

  “I hate apple juice,” Stella said before retreating into Mrs. Castillo’s closet again.

  “So you got the wig from Jamison,” I said. “Got it.”

  Ben shook his head. “No. Jamison traded it to—”

  “Don’t care,” I said. “Next question.”

  Coop whistled—the signal that someone was coming. Ben and I ducked into the closet with Stella while Coop got rid of whoever was out there. Without the slightest bit of hesitation, Ben began rummaging through Mrs. Castillo’s personal things. Stella had apparently found nothing to replace my blouse with because she was empty-handed. She didn’t seem in any hurry to finish, and if I hadn’t known better I’d have thought she was stalling. It was odd since I knew for a fact that Ewan was out there waiting for her to return.

  “Why are you doing this for me?” I asked in a whisper.

  “You’re nice,” she said. Stella toyed with one of her dreads. I’d have thought they’d smell bad but they had the faint scent of fresh wood. “Also, we had a deal.”

  I looked at where we were and what I was wearing. “This definitely goes above and beyond our deal.”

  “The Nash family motto is: Never give up.” Stella frowned. “It’s actually: Never give up cake. But that doesn’t exactly apply here.”

  Stella made me smile. I didn’t always understand her, but I definitely seemed to smile a lot when I was around her. She was so different from other girls. I didn’t feel the need to try around Stella. When I embarrassed myself in front of Cassie, I felt as if the entire world was judging me. But with Stella, I could stand in a closet wearing women’s clothing, and it was cool.

  Coop whistled twice to let us know the coast was clear. Ben pushed past Stella and me to get out.

  “It was Aja,” Coop said. “With Sia Marcus.” He was making his “I’ve eaten something bad and I don’t know whether to spit it out or swallow it” frown.

  “Yeah, they’re a thing now,” I said. “Maybe.” Despite enjoying Ben’s clear astonishment that I, for once, was the one with the gossip, I quickly changed the subject. “So I’m dressed like . . . well, like this. Now what?”

  We all turned our attention to Stella. She’d kept the plans close to her vest, indicating only that Ben’s and Coop’s participation was crucial. “Simon’s gays, you’ll be responsible for separating Eli from Cassie and getting him up to Cassie’s bedroom.”

  Knowing that part of Stella’s master plan did little to illuminate how this was going to help me with Cassie. “No can do,” Ben said. “Eli’s on her like peanut butter on jelly.”

  “Seriously,” Coop said. “How are we even supposed to do that?”

  Stella stroked her chin as if she had an evil, pointy beard. “Me thinks you need proper motivation.” She reached into her purse and pulled something out, keeping it hidden in her palm, stage magician–style. “Complete your task and this will be yours.” She revealed one plastic-wrapped condom. “Ribbed for her pleasure. Or rather, his pleasure.”

  Ben tried to grab it, but Stella snatched it out of his reach and put it safely back in her purse. “You’ve had that the whole time?” he ask
ed. Stella nodded. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “You didn’t ask.” It sounded logical to me, and Ben certainly did look motivated to do whatever it took to pry Eli from Cassie, including set the house on fire if necessary, which I hoped he wouldn’t have to resort to.

  Coop furrowed his brow and said, “I think I have an idea. Can I borrow Falcor?”

  “My stupid dog, you mean?” Falcor was on the bed, sleeping in a nest he’d made out of the comforter. Coop didn’t take back his assessment of the dog but did his best to look appropriately chastised. “Sure,” Stella said. “Don’t lose him.”

  Ben was jumping up and down like a kid at Christmas. He could hardly contain his excitement as he scooped up a grumpy-looking Falcor in his arms. “Let’s go!”

  Coop paused. “Let me just get a minute with Simon.” He waited for Ben and Stella to leave and then he got all serious on me. “You sure this is worth it?”

  “It’s worth it,” I said without hesitation, sure that it was. In fact, at that moment, I’d have been hard-pressed to dream up anything I wouldn’t have done for the chance to tell Cassie I loved her.

  “Because, here’s the thing . . .” Coop took a deep breath before continuing, steady again. “I promised I’d help you and I will. But after this, I’m done.”

  “Yeah,” I said, patting him on the arm. “I get it.”

  Coop shook his head and looked me right in the eyes. “No, you don’t,” he said. “I’m done with us. With you, Simon.”

  Up to that point, only half of my attention had been on the conversation, but now Coop had it all. “Come again?”

  “Listen,” he said. “It’s just that you shouldn’t have to crawl through the mud under barbed wire to get the girl you like to give you the time of day. And if you go through with this, well, I can’t hold you together for another three years. It’s time to move on.”

  I was stunned, and pissed, but mostly confused. “You’re telling me that if I tell Cassie I love her, you and I won’t be friends anymore?”

  Coop nodded.

  “Then I guess I’ll find another ride home.” My voice was emotionless. I didn’t know what to feel. Mostly, I didn’t believe it. Coop and I had been friends for so long that I couldn’t imagine life without him. But when it came down to him or Cassie, I chose Cassie.

  With a terse nod, Coop took off to fulfill his part of the mission and earn his condom.

  “You ready, hot stuff?” Stella asked, popping back into the room.

  I was as ready as I was going to get, but I had a fleeting moment of indecision. A second where I considered calling the whole thing off. It’s difficult to explain, but I had this thought, this picture of Cassie and me twenty years in the future. We’d gotten together at the party and gotten married and had kids. And I was sitting with them—daughters, of course—telling them the story of the night I told their mother I was in love with her. And when that premonition or whatever you want to call it had passed, I wondered whether this was the story I’d want to tell my children. That I had to dress in drag to get a shot at winning their mother’s heart. In that moment, I wondered if Coop was right. But the hesitation passed and I wrote it off as nerves.

  Stella patted my ass and I jumped. “Whoa there, little lady. You gotta pony up the dough to touch these goods.” I smoothed down my blouse, uncomfortable with how much my own fake breasts were turning me on. A boner in this skirt would ruin everything. “This plan is bound to fail,” I said.

  “But it’ll make a great YouTube video.” Stella held up her phone and I couldn’t tell if she was actually filming or just screwing with me.

  I took a couple of steps in the heels, realizing for the first time that I was actually going to have to walk in these things. Lucky for me, the bed was there, because I face-planted into the warm spot Falcor had been sleeping on.

  “Up-skirt shot!” Stella shouted, and her flash lit up the room. I wasn’t sure how much she’d seen until she said, “Come on, Man of Steel. Let’s do this thing.” She was out the door before I could stop her.

  “Where are we going?” I yelled even though I knew Stella wouldn’t answer me. The only way to know was to follow. Fear of being left behind overrode my fear of breaking my ankle, and I chased Stella into the hall.

  I hoped that in the dark, I made a passable woman. In regular light my disguise was hardly a disguise at all. I’d put the fate of my sexual destiny in the hands of a madwoman.

  Stella put her finger to her lips. She peeked around the corner and then said, “Come on.” She pulled me down the hall and into the garage.

  “Where are we going?” I said when the door had closed behind us. The garage smelled like old grass and gasoline. It was dominated by a huge workbench that was neatly organized.

  “Maybe you should have shaved your legs,” Stella said. She looked me up and down and then shook her head. “Nah. This is good.”

  If this was good, it was only because it had lapped bad and come back around again. “Where are we going?”

  “Cassie’s room.”

  “Isn’t that where you told Ben and Coop to send Eli?”

  Stella nodded.

  “Why?”

  “That’s the plan.”

  “What’s the plan?” My voice went up two octaves and broke. “Are you insane?”

  “Clinically, yes.” Stella grabbed my hand again and pulled. “Come on!”

  I followed Stella out into the night, where I was immediately attacked by hungry mosquitoes. We waited at the edge of the house while Stella made sure it was all clear. Of course, her idea of clear and mine were radically different. There was a small crowd of smokers that we had to pass, but she withheld that information until it was too late for me to turn back. My only saving grace was that Stella was so brightly colored that everyone looked at her rather than me. That, and they were all completely shit-faced.

  But the real terror began when I realized she planned to take us right in the front door. I wrenched my hand from hers. “Nope. Not a chance.”

  “It’s the only way,” Stella said. “It’ll be fine. We’re going to go in and run right up the stairs.”

  I glanced at the door. “Right past the living room and library. Where there are people.”

  Stella grabbed my chin in her tiny hand. “This will work. I promise.” She sounded so earnest; she looked so sincere. I couldn’t help but believe her.

  “All right,” I said, knowing I’d likely regret it. “Let’s go.”

  We raced through the door and up the stairs like Stella had promised. I thought I was going to make it without being spotted when a sweaty hand grabbed hold of my wrist. I turned around, expecting to find Ben or Coop, and found Blaise Lewis instead. He was trying to bring me into focus with his heavy, bloodshot eyes.

  “I know you?” He stumbled into me, groping my fake breasts.

  “Dude!”

  “Huh?” Blaise’s eyes flew wide with surprise and he tripped down a step.

  Even laughing, Stella managed to extricate me from Blaise’s manhandling and help me the rest of the way up the stairs, which wasn’t easy in heels. By the time we got to Cassie’s room, I was sweaty and pretty sure my heart was going to explode. Stella was still laughing.

  “Can you shut up?” I said. There was nothing funny about Blaise feeling me up. I hoped he was too drunk to know what had happened or too embarrassed to tell anyone.

  Stella covered her mouth with her hand, but the laughter leaked out around the edges.

  It hit me that I was in Cassie’s bedroom. A place I’d dreamed about for ages. It was just like I’d imagined, too. Pink and soft with all kinds of strange, exotic smells.

  “She’s a pig,” Stella said. She ran her finger along the rim of a plate that was balanced on the edge of Cassie’s dresser. There were water bottles on her nightstand and clothes piled on the floor. I wouldn’t have called Cassie a pig, but the mess took some of the shine off.

  “We’re here,” I said. “What now?” />
  Stella dug around in her purse, looking for God only knew what, and motioned toward the bathroom. “We hide.”

  “I don’t get it,” I said. “Ben and Coop will finish their job and Eli will be up here any minute. What are we going to do?”

  “Hide. Are you deaf?” Stella stared at me like I was the one who’d lost his mind.

  “Listen,” I said, pretty much fed up. “I’ve done everything you asked, but I’m not moving another inch until you tell me everything.”

  Stella sighed and fished out the lipstick she’d stolen from Mrs. Castillo. “Fine. Ben and Coop are going to send Eli up here. We’re going to hide in the bathroom.” While Stella explained, she wrote, “Handcuff yourself to the bed and put on the blindfold,” on the mirror in lipstick. She dotted the i with a heart. “We’ll get Eli to handcuff himself to the bed and then we’ll leave him here. With him out of commission, you’ll be free to work your sexy voodoo on Cassie.”

  I couldn’t deny that Stella’s plan would definitely sideline Eli, but there was one thing I didn’t understand. “If we’re hiding in the bathroom, why am I dressed like Cassie’s ugly cousin?”

  Stella whistled and looked at the ceiling.

  “Stella?”

  “Okay,” she said. “This wasn’t part of the plan. I honestly thought it was going to be so much harder to convince you to dress like a girl, but you practically dove into the skirt. Not that I blame you. You make a damn fine woman.”

  “What?” My brain was having trouble processing Stella’s confession. “Why?”

  “Truthfully?”

  “No,” I said. “I prefer the lies.”

  She tsked. “No need to get snippy.”

  I made a gesture that was considerably more than snippy and she got the hint.