From A Distance

by L. M. Carr

The arrow on his side of the track flashes white, indicating his victory.

  “He won! Ma, he won! Omigod, he won!”

  Tyler shoots his arm up into the air, a single finger pointing to the bright blue sky.

  Happy tears pour from my eyes as I celebrate his accomplishment.

  Tyler Strong is the best of the best.

  I throw my arms around my mother’s body, but I’m met with resistance. Loosening my grip, I pull back and look at her.

  “Ma, what’s wrong?”

  Her countenance is ghostly white, her eyes wide with horror, her voice muted silent.

  Panic sets in.

  “Mom, what’s going on?” I ask, tapping her cheek lightly. She appears to be shell-shocked by what she’s just witnessed. “He’s fine! He won!”

  “Oh, Karrie. I’m so sorry.”

  I follow her eyes down to her laptop.

  “What is that?” I squint through my tears and blink rapidly to clear the fuzziness.

  A blond woman is bent over a motorcycle as a man drives into her from behind. Although his face is shielded by the angle, I can see his large rough hands yank on her hair, claiming her violently before striking her head. Those same hands, like venomous snakes, slither around to her neck, constricting to restrict her airway.

  He hisses in her ear. “Is this what you want? You think you can flirt with that motherfucker and get away with it? You are mine.”

  I know that voice.

  My tears of joy quickly turn sour.

  “Please,” she whimpers, gasping for air.

  His face, one I once considered handsome, contorts as he climaxes.

  The trailer door opens and Tyler appears; his expression hard and shocked at the situation in front of him.

  “Yo, what the hell? What are you doing?”

  My heart thunders in my chest when Alex pushes the woman to the floor, mumbling about what a whore she is. I see the rage in his eyes now.

  I’ve seen it firsthand.

  I’ve experienced it.

  After pulling up his pants, he strides over to confront Tyler, jabbing his finger close to Tyler’s face.

  “Mind your fucking business, Strong. Take this piece of shit out of here with you.”

  Tyler helps the battered woman up and carefully ushers her through the door.

  “You’re sick, man! You need help!”

  “Fuck you, Strong! I’m Alex Parker. You’d be nothing without me.”

  Tyler’s eyes narrow as he clenches his jaw. Hate is smeared across his face.

  Alex turns to look at the camera and smiles deviously, his eyes are that of a stranger.

  “I’m Alex Parker. Nobody fucks with me.”

  “Karrie…”

  It vaguely registers that my mother is speaking to me.

  My eyes are transfixed on the screen as yet another clip detailing my ex-husband’s infidelities begins. With every one after that, the face that smiles at the camera is eerie, that of a madman. The eyes that once looked at me with love are filled with animosity and rage.

  My mother’s hand moves to click the X, shielding me from further hurt and humiliation.

  A conversation ensues between Alex and Tyler.

  “What about your wife?”

  “What about her?”

  “She’s not stupid. She’s going to find out and when she does she’s going to leave.”

  “That spoiled bitch isn’t going anywhere. She’s mine, too.”

  Tyler shakes his head solemnly and mumbles, “If I had a girl like that, I would nev—”

  He’s interrupted by Penny.

  “Hi Ty,” she smiles before asking Alex if he’s ready.

  Left alone in the trailer, he finishes his statement. “I would never do her wrong.”

  As if passing a horrible car wreck, I continue to watch.

  Tyler appears, dressed in his dark leathers, his helmet goes airborne across the trailer, barely missing a bike.

  He yells a string of profanities as he paces back and forth before a woman’s soft southern drawl calls his name. Turning quickly to face the petite blonde, he steps and closes the space between their bodies. Penny wraps her arms around his neck and kisses him hard as she claws away at his pants. The lower half of both their bodies are exposed as he lifts her up and wedges himself between her legs. My mind conjures up the memory of watching a similar scene at The Black Horse the night I went out with Pam.

  Tyler lied to me. He swore he never touched her. He lied.

  The realization makes my stomach revolt as rancid bile rises into my mouth. I struggle to stand, suddenly needing to purge the food in me.

  My mother drops the laptop and jumps to her feet to help me up.

  The room spins and I feel faint.

  I hear my phone ring with Tyler’s tone.

  “Ma, I don’t fe—”

  I remember nothing after my legs give out and my head smashes into the coffee table.

  THE FEELING OF weightlessness from being lifted and secured onto a gurney causes my eyes to flutter open in a panic. I glance around at the inside of the ambulance until I hear the door slam shut and one EMT climbs in next to me.

  “How are you feeling, ma’am?”

  I reach for my pounding head and yelp in pain when my fingers connect with the huge welt.

  “What happened? I ask.

  “Seems you fainted and hit your head.”

  “I did?”

  The recollection of watching Tyler win the race and then seeing the video of him having sex with Penny hits me like a ton of bricks.

  “Tyler,” I whisper. “Why would you lie to me?”

  “Is that your husband?”

  I shake my head slowly and bite back the tears from pooling in my eyes.

  After answering a series of questions and being poked and prodded, we arrive at the hospital and are quickly ushered in.

  My mother walks alongside the gurney and assures me that I’m going to be okay.

  “Where’s my phone?”

  “I have it. It’s in my purse.” Her eyes constrict momentarily.

  “What’s that look for?”

  “He’s calling relentlessly.”

  An ache pierces my heart.

  “Did you talk to him?”

  “No. I figure he’s just calling to tell you about the race. It can wait.”

  Odessa storms into the room and proceeds to lecture me about not taking care of myself as the nurse hooks me up to a stress monitor to make sure our baby is fine.

  “I told you to stop eating all those sweets! That’s probably what toppled you over, you fat cow!”

  I roar in laughter despite her words of insult.

  “Just give me some ice and send me home.”

  The nurse asks to speak privately, whispering and eyeing the machine.

  Again, the dizziness returns and my fingers tingle.

  “Odes—”

  “Roll her onto her left side.”

  I immediately know what’s happening.

  My baby’s heart rate is dropping rapidly, a sign of distress; his life is in imminent danger.

  I see my mother’s eyes widen and fill with moisture from worry and fear.

  “Mom?”

  I need her to say the words. I need her to say my son will be alright.

  “Karrie, we need to get him out now. Prep the OR!”

  I hate the gravity in Odessa’s voice.

  “Please save my boy,” I cry. “Please save my boy.”

  “Ma, call Tyler.”

  I’m not ready for this.

  I’m not prepared to give birth.

  Tyler isn’t here.

  This isn’t how we planned on bringing our little boy into the world.

  ***

  WITH TEARS STREAMING down my face, a beautiful baby boy is placed in my waiting arms. The tightness in my lips gives way to a small smile as I try to suppress a full-blown sob when I look at the phone in my mother’s hand as she records the momentous occasion.


  “He’s here, Ty! He’s really here.”

  Broken words emerge as I attempt to lift and show Tyler his child, a tiny baby with a head full of dark hair and round chubby cheeks. I slide my nose against his soft skin before I kiss his lips, his eyes, and his head repeatedly, trying to convince myself that he’s really in my arms.

  “Ty, he’s beautiful!” I cry.

  “Congratulations, Karrie!” Odessa says from behind the sheet covering my lower half.

  My mother uses the back of her hand to caress the baby’s head before she comments about his coloring. Now that I really look at him, I notice the bluish-tinted pallor.

  “Odessa? Come here.”

  “I’m a little busy at the moment,” she jokes, but I don’t laugh.

  “I’m serious. He’s turning blue. Something’s wrong!”

  In a flash, Odessa is at my side and in the next moment, she’s ripping my boy away from me.

  My world is collapsing before my very eyes.

  Somewhere in the chaos, my phone rings with the tone set for Tyler. My mother answers it, handing it to me as she speaks. “Oh God! Hold on, Tyler. Here she is.”

  The phone rubs against my cheek, hitting the speaker button, when it’s shoved up to my ear.

  “Tyler,” my mother barks.

  “Ty,” I cry into the phone. “Something’s wrong. Something’s wrong. He’s turning blue.”

  “What?” he yells helplessly, his voice booming through the phone.

  “I can’t lose him.”

  “Baby, I’m so sorry! I can’t believe I’m not there with you. He’s going to be okay.” His anxious voice fills the room.

  Shaking my head from side to side, I deny his words.

  I know something is wrong.

  “Please come home.”

  There’s a hesitation in his response. “Baby, I’m leaving right now. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

  In his haste, he neglects to end the call. I hear him speak to someone, saying something about how she’s going to be okay. Then I hear a woman’s soft voice thank him.

  I call his name repeatedly but get no response.

  Seconds later I hear his truck start and the line goes dead.

  My mother and I share a look of bewilderment and disbelief.

  “Stay focused on your son, Karrie. Just focus on him.”

  I nod and clutch the phone to my chest before dropping the phone onto the bed.

  Focus on him.

  “Karrie,” Odessa explains when she comes back, “we’re going to run a few tests. His Apgar numbers were low.”

  “He’s going to be okay, right?”

  Compassion beams from her eyes when she utters, “I hope so.”

  I slam my palms against my face and wail powerlessly as my mother comforts me.

  ***

  ODESSA ORDERS THE nurse to start morphine through my IV and although it assists with the pain of my incision, it does little for my heart.

  “Where is he?”

  “He’s in the NICU.”

  My chin quivers. “He’s all alone. He must be scared.”

  My mother swipes a soft hand across my forehead.

  “He’s in the best hands. They’re taking good care of him.”

  “I have the best hands for him! He’s my baby!” I struggle to get up, but my body simply refuses to cooperate.

  “You need to rest. You can see him in a few more hours.”

  “Hours?”

  Darkness pulls me under once again.

  ***

  “KARRIE, TYLER’S ON the phone. Do you want to talk to him?”

  I drag my attention from the pin hole in the hall, the same spot I’ve been staring at for the last forty-five minutes.

  I nod and turn my palm upward.

  “Hi,” I mumble. “Are you almost here?”

  “I’m about another hour away,” he replies, his voice raspy and deep.

  “How is he?”

  I cry, “He’s in intensive care.”

  “Oh God!” The slamming of his fist against the steering wheel and the truck accelerating display his deep fear and anxiety.

  “What’s taking so long? I thought you were going to leave right after the race.”

  He sighs into the phone. “I was, but then…”

  “What? What happened?”

  “Something happened to Penny and she needed my help.”

  The image of them having sex flashes before my eyes.

  “Penny?! What?” I sob, my ears burning from his words of betrayal. “Why? Why are you with her?”

  “I couldn’t just leave her there on the side of the road.”

  “I need you. Your son needs you!”

  “Baby, I’m sorry. I’m going as fast as I can to get there.”

  I imagine her naked against him. I imagine them laughing at me, ridiculing my stupidity. I imagine them playing house with her children.

  A rush of air escapes.

  “You’re no different than he was.” I shake my head as a sardonic chuckle filled with anger emerges. “You’re just like Alex.”

  “What? Don’t say that! You know I’m nothing like that bastard!”

  “I hate you!”

  Infidelity and deceit puncture then shred my heart.

  “Baby, listen to me! She was drunk. Her daughter was in the car.”

  “I don’t care! I don’t care about her or her daughter!”

  “Apparently, the kid took a pretty hard spill at the track.”

  “I don’t care! You know what, Tyler…stay there! Stay with her! I can take care of my son on my own.” I hurl seething words in his direction.

  “Our son! He’s our son!”

  My chest heaves as I continue to wail.

  My mother grabs the phone and ends the call, silencing Tyler’s pleas.

  ***

  THIRTY MINUTES LATER, my father arrives and paces the floor after having seen the baby in the NICU.

  “You need your boy and your boy needs you.”

  Two minutes later, a nurse strolls in with a wheelchair.

  “Are you ready to go see your son?”

  “Thank you,” I mouth to my dad.

  “Any answers yet?”

  “No, we’re still waiting for the test results.”

  Carefully and very slowly, I am situated in the narrow seat and brought to see my child.

  I am given the standard attire to wear and my hands disinfected ten times over.

  Encased in a small clear plastic incubator, my sweet boy sleeps. He looks so peaceful. I reach my hand through the small opening and touch his tiny fingers, causing him to stir momentarily.

  “Hi, buddy. It’s me, your mom—”

  I break into a fit of uncontrollable tears, but I never break the connection of our fingers. I will never let him go. I won’t do it.

  When the tears subside, I stare at him and admire his perfection. His little body is bare except for the tiny diaper and the blue cap which covers his head. He looks like a poster child for a beautiful, healthy newborn, but he’s not.

  My mother taps on the window and waves her phone at me.

  I shake my head. I don’t want to talk to Tyler right now.

  After my brief visit, I return to bed, fatigued, broken-hearted and dizzy.

  There’s a brief knock on the door. A team of medical students follows in behind Dr. Baldoni, a pediatric cardiologist. Although a handsome man, his expression is serious and grave.

  “Mrs. Miller,” he greets me.

  “Ms., but please call me Karrie.”

  With that, Dr. Baldoni delves into an incredibly detailed explanation of my son’s severe congenital heart condition. My heart shatters at the grim prognosis.

  My phone rings and my father takes the call. I glance over at him and notice his hard expression.

  “I’ll tell her.”

  I pull my eyes away from my father and address the doctor.

  “How soon do I need to decide?”

  “By tomorro
w morning at the very latest. We’ll need to get him on the list as soon as possible.”

  I nod my understanding as emotion overwhelms me and steals my voice.

  Closing my eyes, I ask God what I’ve done to deserve this. What has my son done to deserve this?

  I hear my mother sniffle.

  “You’re a doctor. Make him better, Ma. You’ve always made things better,” I beg as I reach for her hand.

  A tear slips from her eye.

  “I wish I could.”

  My father steps in and looks on over my mom’s shoulder.

  “You did good, Kare Bear. He’s going to be just fine.”

  I want to believe my father’s words, but I can’t.

  ***

  LESS THAN AN hour later, Tyler bursts through the door and rushes to my side, taking my face in his hands, kissing me softly. His tanned face now pale and his eyes red-rimmed and swollen.

  “I’m so sorry, baby. Please forgive me for not being here.”

  My lips remain still, unaffected by his apology.

  “Where is he? Where’s our boy?” He looks around the vacant room before turning wide, horror-filled eyes back to me.

  I ignore him completely.

  “Where is he?” He enunciates slowly, fearfully.

  The soft spot in my heart speaks for me.

  “They’re running more tests, but—”

  “But what?” he asks as his hands encase his head and his chest puffs from a deep and loud gasp.

  “But he’s still in the NICU. It doesn’t look good, Ty.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “His heart...he needs a new heart.”

  “What?” he shrieks. “Why?”

  I feel nothing in my heart except his betrayal.

  “If you had been here instead of with your girlfriend, you would’ve heard the doctor’s explanation.”

  Tyler looks utterly confused as he steps closer.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You and Penny.”

  He narrows his eyes.

  “What about her? You think I’m cheating on you because I drove her to the hospital? Her kid was hurt. What did you expect me to do?”

  “I asked if were ever involved with her and you lied. You told me you never touched her.”

  “And I didn’t!”

  I reach out to strike his face, but he grabs my wrist, keeping a firm hold on it.