The Karate Princess in Monsta Trouble

by Jeremy Strong

  ‘Don’t think about that now,’ said Belinda softly, alarmed by Gordon’s rising voice. ‘Sit down and help us think of a plan to get rid of it.’

  But Gordon pulled his arm away and hissed back at her through grimly gritted teeth. ‘I don’t need a plan. That goat-gobbler is a murderer!’ With this final cry Gordon pulled a short sword from his belt and strode straight for the beast.

  ‘Stop – you’ll be killed!’ warned Hubert, but Gordon carried on.

  It was truly pitiful, and it made the three companions want to weep. Gordon had no chance at all. He was a thin, scrawny man with nothing except a sword in his hand and anger in his heart, yet here he was marching on the beast. Belinda and Hubert and Knackerleevee held their breath. They almost stopped breathing altogether as they watched with mounting horror and fascination.

  Every so often the MoNsta would flick open one eye. It was impossible to say where it would look. Sometimes Gordon nipped behind a pile of bones. Sometimes he just froze, as if he were one of the stalagmites in the cave. And somehow he managed to creep closer and closer.

  The MoNsta flicked open an eye and stirred. It let out a thunderous belch and then slumped back into a doze again. Gordon took three more steps and now he stood right beside one of the huge heads. It was revolting. The scales were dull and flecked with blood. From the slit of a mouth several teeth poked out and some still had bits of goat fur stuck to them. Gordon’s rage seized hold of him, giving him the power of ten men. He raised his sword above his head, grasping the solid handle with both hands, and plunged it down into the MoNsta’s skull.

  The great neck and head twitched, throwing Gordon to one side, but he was up on his feet again, running furiously to the second head, which was stirring into wakefulness. But before the MoNsta could react

  Gordon had straddled the beast’s neck, raised his sword a second time and dispatched the beast for ever. The MoNsta gave a huge groan, lifted its second head for a last time and crashed to the ground.

  ‘Incredible!’ whispered Belinda, her face flushed with admiration. ‘You’ve killed the MoNsta, Gordon. Well done!’

  The friends crowded round the goatherd, patting him on the back, ruffling his hair and tweaking his beard. Gordon however felt flat and exhausted. All the fight had gone out of him, and now that he realized what danger he had been in he suddenly felt scared, even though there was nothing left to be scared about.

  ‘This is excellent,’ declared Belinda. ‘Gordon has killed the MoNsta, so Gordon wins Taloola’s hand and the million gold coins. What could be better?’

  A deep voice from the far end of the cave surprised them all. ‘Oh, I have a much better ending,’ said Prinz Blippenbang.

  ‘What? Who’s that? Come out of the shadows,’ cried Belinda, already bristling with a premonition that further danger was afoot.

  The Prinz took several steps forward, his bazooka balanced over one shoulder and pointing at the friends. ‘Allow me to introduce myself. I am Prinz Blippenbang and I have come to claim the MoNsta’s heads. So kind of you all to lead me here, and even kinder of you to kill it for me. I do so hate getting my hands dirty. Don’t move a muscle!’ he cried as Belinda took a couple of angry steps towards him. ‘This is a bazooka, a very powerful weapon, and you will do exactly as I say. You there!’ The Prinz gestured at Gordon. ‘Goat-boy! Cut off the MoNsta’s heads, put them in these sacks and bring them to me. Hurry!’

  Gordon could only do as he was told while the others watched in stunned silence. The heads were stuffed into the sacks and laid at Blippenbang’s feet. The Prinz grabbed them with his free hand and laughed loudly. ‘I am

  going to enjoy myself,’ he bragged. ‘I shall go back to the castle and tell that stupid pumpkin of a Duke what a terrible battle I had. I shall show him the heads and he will be so pleased! Then he’ll give me a million gold coins and I shall be rich for ever!’

  ‘What about Taloola?’ cried Gordon.

  ‘Oh hang Taloola! Taloola’s a fat, ugly tub.’

  ‘No she isn’t! She’s the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on!’ Gordon declared.

  ‘Oh do shut up, you grubby goat-goon.’ The Prinz began to back out of the cave. ‘I’m sorry I have to dash off now, but unfortunately, because you all know the truth of what has happened here, I must leave you behind. I shall tell the Duke how the MoNsta had crunched you up in front of my very eyes before I could kill it.’

  ‘You’re not going to kill us are you?’ Hubert had turned very pale.

  ‘Um… not exactly. However, I would so much like to show you how powerful my bazooka is, so I am going to fire it at the cave roof here. The roof will come tumbling down and what a tragedy, you’ll be trapped, for ever. What a shame. Boo hoo.’

  ‘You’re a monster!’ cried Belinda. ‘Worse than the MoNsta monster!’

  ‘You say such nice things,’ replied Blippenbang sweetly. ‘Oh well, I really must be going. So nice to have met you.’

  With that the Prinz backed away to the entrance, turned his bazooka on the cave roof and pulled the trigger. Flames shot from the cannon. There was a deafening bang and moments later rocks began cascading down. Big boulders, little boulders, stalagmites that had taken thousands of years to grow, all came crashing down. They piled up at the entrance, rapidly rising, blocking out what little daylight there was until – nothing. Just darkness.

  ‘Oh dear,’ muttered the Karate Princess. ‘I think we’re trapped.’

  7 Rabbits and Other Revelations

  ‘Can you see anything?’ asked Knackerleevee.

  ‘No,’ grumbled the others.

  ‘Neither can I. Thank goodness.’

  ‘What do you mean – “thank goodness”?’ Hubert snapped. ‘We’re trapped halfway up a mountain in a deep cave, with no food and in total darkness. Why are you thanking goodness?’

  ‘Because I thought I might have gone blind, but if nobody can see then I know that it’s just got a bit darker.’ The Bogle stumbled forwards, feeling his way with waggling, hairy fingers.

  ‘Oi!’ cried the goatherd. ‘Watch where you’re putting your great hairy hands. That was my bottom, if you don’t mind.’

  ‘Sorry,’ muttered Knackerleevee. He took a step back, tripped over Belinda, tumbled backwards and sent Hubert sprawling, before finally falling flat on his face himself. The cave rang with angry and painful cries. It got even worse as they struggled to their feet, reaching out, hitting others accidentally and knocking them down again.

  ‘Stop!’ cried Belinda. ‘Just keep still – everyone! This darkness is hopeless. Let’s just all sit down where we are, one by one. Hubert – sit down.’

  ‘I’m sitting.’

  ‘Gordon, sit.’

  ‘I’m not a dog,’ complained the goatherd.

  ‘SIT! Knackerleevee, you sit down next, and now me. There, no accidents. Right, we are in a very nasty situation. Has anyone got any ideas as to how we get out?’

  ‘If we feel around we could find the string and follow it to the entrance,’ suggested the Bogle. ‘Then we might be able to move the rocks out of the way.’

  ‘Hmmm. I think the rock-pile brought down by Blippenbang is far too dense. It would take weeks to get through, and we haven’t got weeks. Hubert – any ideas?’

  ‘I agree with Knackerleevee.’

  ‘You do?’ The Bogle was definitely surprised to hear this.

  ‘The way we came in is the only way in, so it must be the only way out,’ Hubert said logically ‘We shall simply have to dig for our lives.’

  ‘OK, it’s agreed then.’ Belinda nodded. ‘Get down on your hands and knees and try and find the string.’

  ‘You haven’t asked me yet,’ Gordon

  muttered sulkily.

  ‘Oh, sorry. Gordon! Have you got an idea?’ asked Belinda brightly and waited for him to say ‘No’. She knew he was angry with her for shouting at him.

  ‘Yes, I have, and it’s better than your idea too.’

  ‘What is it?’


  ‘Why should I tell you?’ he asked sulkily

  ‘Because if you don’t we shall all die in this cave with nothing but a stinking dead MoNsta for company and Prinz Blippenbang will get the money that you deserve AND he’ll get Princess Taloola and he doesn’t love her like you do and she’ll be so unhappy she’ll probably never eat again and pine away to nothing and die.’

  ‘That’ll take a long time,’ remarked Knackerleevee darkly, and promptly received a kick from the princess. ‘Sorry’ he added.

  ‘All right, I’ll tell you,’ said Gordon. ‘At the back of this cave there is a narrow passage that leads to the top of the cliff. That’s how I managed to rescue my goat.’

  ‘You mean there’s another way out?!’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Why didn’t you tell us?’ cried Hubert.

  ‘I just have.’

  ‘But I thought you climbed up here from the bottom.’

  ‘No, I never said that. I climbed down here from the top.’

  ‘Surely we should be able to see a chink of daylight if there’s a passageway to the top?’ asked Belinda.

  ‘The MoNsta’s tail is blocking it off,’ said Gordon. ‘I’ll lead the way. We shall have to hold each other’s feet so that we don’t lose contact.’

  So Knackerleevee held on to Hubert’s ankles, and Hubert held on to Belinda’s ankles, and she held on to the goatherd’s ankles, and off they went, like a choo-choo train, puffing and grunting and hissing with effort. It did not take them long to reach the MoNsta’s tail, and with a lot of one, two, three and HEAVE! they pushed the tail out of the way and revealed a narrow, perpendicular chink of light.

  ‘Gordon – you are very clever,’ announced Belinda. ‘Let’s get going, and let’s hope that we are not too late.’

  Dudless, Duke of Dork didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. ‘The MoNsta’s dead! No more weeping and wailing. No more danger. No more hiding in paper bags. Oh, but poor Dorinda – what a way to go. Crunched to bits, you say?’ Prinz Blippenbang nodded.

  ‘I tried my best to save them, but…’ He looked suitably upset. The Duke patted the Prinz on one shoulder.

  ‘There, there. Everyone knew the risk they were taking, eh? I shall write to my brother and let him know. Poor Dorinda.’ The Duke was silent for a few moments and then he brightened up a bit. ‘But you’re alive! That is good news. Do you know? I think I’m going to treat myself to a new pet rabbit. And what shall I call him?’ The Duke’s gaze rested fondly on his new-found hero, the wonderful MoNsta-masher, Prinz Blippenbang. ‘I shall call him Bloppenpop, after you!’

  ‘How kind,’ said the Prinz, smiling. ‘Now, about those million gold coins…’

  ‘All in good time, dear thing, all in good time. I expect you want to be with the blushing bride. Taloola, do stop snivelling and snuffling. Look what a fine prize you have here. Prinz Bloppenpop is so strong, and handsome.’

  ‘I loved Gordon the goatherd. He was sweet and kind and had a wispy beard that tickled and now he’s dead and gone and I shall never be happy again. Ohwohwoh!’ And she burst into tears and threw herself on the settee.

  ‘She’ll get over it, dear chap,’ said the Duke cheerfully.

  ‘About the money…’ hinted the Prinz again.

  ‘Yes indeed, all in good time, but we must have a wedding, and a wotchamacallit, you know, where everyone goes round…’

  ‘Merry-go-round?’ suggested the Prinz.

  ‘No, no, everyone goes round and they do things with their feet… a football, no, that doesn’t sound quite right. It’s on the tip of my tongue you know.’

  ‘Do you mean a ball,’ suggested Blippenbang. ‘Where everyone dances?’

  ‘That’s it! That’s it. What a clever chappie you are. Brains and muscles eh? Yes, we must have a Grand Ball tonight to celebrate the Defeat of the MoNsta, and then the wedding and your million gold coins.’

  Prinz Blippenbang smiled politely. ‘Lovely idea, but I don’t suppose I could have the money before the wedding?’

  ‘No, no, that will be my wedding present,’ said the Duke. ‘Surely you don’t expect me to give you a million gold coins and a wedding present? That would be greedy! Now, do excuse me Bloppenpop, I must go and organize the ball.’

  Prinz Blippenbang ground his teeth together and watched the stout little Duke hurry away. What a stupid man he was. So, he would have to marry Taloola before he got the money? Oh well, no matter. He would just have to ditch her after the wedding instead of before it. He went to his room to prepare for the dance.

  To be fair to the Duke it must be admitted that he pulled out all the stops for the Grand Ball. The entire castle was decked out with flowers and balloons and a huge feast had been prepared. Everyone was invited. Ladies pulled out their finest gowns and the castle was filled from cellars to attics with laughter and song and relief and joy that they were out of danger at last.

  Only two people were not

  sharing in the merry-making. Taloola moped about the hall with tears streaming down her puffed-up face. Meanwhile Prinz Blippenbang tugged on his best dancing jacket. He was wondering how quickly he could get the money from the Duke.

  The band arrived and set up at one end of the great hall. Music rose into the air with a twirl and a flourish and soon numerous feet were skipping and turning and twirling and bouncing as the excited guests danced their socks off.

  Outside in the fragrant evening, four weary travellers hurried towards the sound of music and the glittering lights of the celebrating castle. ‘I do hope we’re not too late,’ said Hubert. ‘Come on Knackerleevee, hurry up.’

  ‘I’ve got a stitch,’ complained the Bogle, sitting on the ground and clutching one side. ‘You go on. I’ll catch you up.’

  Belinda and the others hurried back to him. ‘You two take his arms. I’ll take his legs. Come on.’

  Before the Bogle could protest he found himself being carried at a trot towards the castle, bouncing up and down like a big piece of carpet. When they arrived at the drawbridge they were met by several guards brandishing crossed spears.

  ‘We want to go inside,’ declared Belinda.

  ‘Oh yes? Where’s your invitation?’

  ‘You’re not even wearing a ball gown,’ sneered a second guard.

  ‘I haven’t got a ball gown,’ said Belinda.

  ‘There you go then. You can’t come in. And pick that bit of carpet up before you leave.’

  ‘This is becoming very boring,’ warned Belinda. ‘Are you going to let us through or not?’

  ‘Definitely not,’ said the third guard, smiling.

  ‘I think you ought to do as she asks,’ said Hubert helpfully. ‘Otherwise she might do something rather unpleasant.’

  ‘Ooh, we are scared!’ cried the guards.

  ‘What’s she going to do? Blow a raspberry!’

  Hubert and Knackerleevee covered their eyes. Gordon, who had never seen the Karate Princess in action, watched in amazement. He had never seen such a battering, flattening, denting, headache-making, stunning display.

  ‘Ha-akk!’ cried Belinda as she made mincemeat of the three guards, and cast them one by one into the cold, wet moat below. ‘Happy fishing!’ she cried as she crossed the drawbridge and marched into the great hall. She went straight up to the dance band, grabbed the biggest drum she could find and banged it and banged it until the music stopped, the dancers stopped, and all eyes were on her.

  Prinz Blippenbang was visibly shaken and now Belinda pointed an accusing finger at him. ‘Uncle, that man is a cheat, and a would-be murderer. He’s about as much a hero as a jar of jam.’

  The Duke was in a tizzy. He could make no sense at all of what was happening. ‘Um, Dorinda, you’re dead, aren’t you? What are you doing here? And what kind of jam were you thinking of?’

  ‘Uncle! It doesn’t matter about any jam and I’m not dead, even though the Prinz tried to kill me and my friends. He’s claiming that he killed the MoNsta, but he didn’t. He was too scared to
go anywhere near the beast.’

  This pronouncement really set tongues wagging. The brave Prinz not brave at all? What was going on? And where was the Prinz anyway?

  Blippenbang was no fool. He could see the way things were going. But he was determined not to lose out on the million gold coins. He raced up the stairs to his room to fetch his trusty bazooka.

  8 And Did They All Live Happily Ever After?

  Prinz Blippenbang burst into his room, but someone had beaten him to it.

  ‘Looking for something?’ asked Hubert, pointing the bazooka at the cursing Prinz. ‘I think we had better go back downstairs, don’t you? You go first.’ Blippenbang had no alternative but to head back down the stairs, looking thunderous.

  ‘Will somebody please tell me what’s going on?’ squeaked the Duke when he saw the Prinz being escorted into the hall. Belinda explained, recounting the whole story, from the moment they set off to fasten the string to the MoNsta’s tail, right up until when they got back to the castle. Dudless, Duke of Dork, listened to the tale with growing anger.

  ‘Is this true?’ he demanded of the Prinz.

  ‘What if it is?’

  ‘Don’t you even love my beautiful daughter?’

  ‘Pah! Beautiful? I’d rather marry a camel!’

  At this point Gordon the goatherd almost threw himself on the Prinz, but it was Taloola who held him back. She walked over to the Prinz and gazed up into his blue eyes. ‘I may not be a beauty as considered by some people,’ she said with great dignity. ‘I’m so sorry I displease you, Prinz Blippenbang. Please, excuse me.’

  Taloola turned gracefully away, then all at once whirled round and delivered such a stunning slap to the Prinz’s face that he staggered back several paces, clutching his cheek. Taloola made the Prinz an elegant curtsy and went back to her admiring goatherd. The dancers cheered and Blippenbang crept away like a bruised snake, thoroughly outwitted and shamed into the bargain.