Strong Enough

by Teresa Hill

  I can see Adam when we were 15. Sitting on the swing set in the park behind my house on base. Both hands holding on to the swing as his head is bowed. His dark blond hair is falling in his eyes as he tilts his head toward me just past the chains of the swing and just smiles. All I can see is his smile, his sweet, innocent and full of joy smile, but now he is starting to fade, and I can barely make out him sitting on the swing. I’m being pulled back to the present.

  The pain is immense and I can’t move. My chest is tight. I’m trying to cry but nothing is coming out and I’m having trouble breathing. The seat shifts below me and I can hear a second voice a bit muffled but not sure why. I’m trying to move away, to find a way to move up the seat toward the door that I can’t see but know has to be there.

  The end of the bench gives away a bit as he climbs off me but only for a second because it seems he is climbing back in. Dear Jesus, I’m so scared. Please help me. I pray to myself as I notice the cologne is different as he climbs closer. “Oh Yeah, My turn” NO! Noooo No No! Please God No! Is the only thought I have before it all goes black.

  Chapter 4

  Aaaggghh, I thought to myself, God I hurt. I was trying so hard to get a bearing on where I was, but everything was blurry and out of focus. All I could feel was pain and heaviness.

  In an attempt to sit up, I slowly moved my arm away from my body to grab the wall for balance. Sudden, excruciating jolts of pain shot up my right arm. “AAAAAAAHHHH,” I cried out, with no one to hear me.

  In the distance I could hear scuffling and pounding that reminded me of heavy bags of cement being thrown to the ground. I could hear murmurs of people talking, maybe more begging than talking. What’s going on? I thought to myself.

  Still trying to gain awareness of my location, I shifted the best I could to try and sit up, trying to block the pain as much as possible.

  Leaning back, my body slumped against the brick building wall and my hands rested on the cold cement ground. My eyes wouldn’t open, and I was having a hard time holding my head up.

  Suddenly the little hairs on my neck stood up as I could sense someone was coming toward me. Panic grew in my chest as I attempted to breathe. The closer the steps came, the more my breathing became labored and erratic, panic was setting in, and each breath caused me to shudder from the stifling stabbing pain in my chest.

  “Who’s there? Don’t come any closer, I… I will scream,” I managed to get out, as the footsteps increased with urgency.

  Oh my god, they are coming back for me. Please dear God, please make them go away.

  The fear that ran through my body made it hard to breathe. I didn’t want to die this way, alone.

  Just as the footsteps grew in intensity, they stopped. I moved my head left and then right trying to see anyone, anything. My eyes were swollen shut. The rest of my face was swollen and my body felt like it had gone a few rounds with Pacquiao. There was a burning aching pain between my legs. I really just wanted to curl up and die.

  I softly whispered to myself, “God no, no…(sniff sniff) this can’t have happened, not again.”

  “Please, d…d…don’t hurt me anymore,” my soft and vibrating voice let out.

  I could sense someone standing over me, so close to me. As the person hovering over me let out a mangled breath I stiffened, confirming to myself it was a man. What was he coming back for? Hasn’t he done enough?

  “Please.” Was all the protest I could muster as a cry.

  With a deep and hard sigh, he leaned down next to me, hovering so close but not touching me. I could feel his heated breath close to my face. Even though the sun had been long gone and probably closer to making a new appearance, I could feel his shadow over my body which was acutely aware of his immense size.

  He slowly, with the most tender and gentle effort, slid his right arm under my limp legs while simultaneously wrapping his left arm around my back. This man was huge! I could feel the sheer size of his arms wrapping around me and it gave me an instant sense of calm as he pulled me close with the smoothest of motions into his arms.

  My brain was telling me to panic but my body sensed something else from this man and melted against him. I was able to tilt my head slightly to let it rest against his well-defined chest that could be felt through his soft cotton shirt.

  Being 5’9, I don’t consider myself a small girl, which made imagining the man now holding me in his arms to be quite a statue. He would have to be to make me feel so small.

  I managed to lift my left hand and rest it in the center of his chest. His body tensed under me. My hand splayed out pressing into him as if he was a lifeline. I couldn’t see, but I could feel, smell and hear and I was on sensory overload.

  I rested my head just ever so slightly back and against where my hand resided and his pec muscle flexed under me. His hand splayed out against my back and with the gentlest of grips pulled me closer to him. Every muscle in my body was in pain. I let a small whimper escape my lips as I resisted trying to open my eyes.

  “Sssssshhhhhhhh, don’t try and move,” a silky seductive southern voice spoke. The vibration of his voice left me calm but anxious. Mmmmm, what a sexy voice, WAIT, it’s him, he’s the voice.

  Suddenly I was airborne and moving. The jostling from his steps was causing my body to wince from the pain. I turned my nose into his shirt and attempted a deep breath but was only able to manage a decent sniff. He smelled seductive and fresh. I breathed in again and got hit with a mix of grapefruit and ginger wrapped with cedar and tobacco. His smell was intoxicating.

  “You keep breathing me in like that and you really will feel the pain in your ribs,” he said with a slight chuckle.

  Still unable to open my eyes I left my head resting on his chest. His breathing was shallow and calm until he felt me shift from pain and I could feel his breaths increase.

  “I know it hurts, I’m going to get you help, just hang in there with me,” he said as I felt myself start to drift off.

  I was able to lift my left hand to rest it at the base of his neck and stretch my fingers around with a slight grip. My thumb pressed gently against his Adams apple providing me with his pulse to focus on, almost like a lifeline.

  “Come on sweetheart, stay with me.” I heard him say with a little bit of urgency in his voice.

  I was trying hard to focus on his pulse and stay awake, but I was being pulled into a slumber.

  “What’s your name sweetheart?” He asked.

  “Reece, Reece Miller,” I managed to whisper.

  Waiting for him to respond, I tried to focus and listen. I heard him say “My name is” as the darkness surrounded me, and I faded.

  Chapter 5

  6 Years Later –

  You can’t be serious, this isn’t what you want. You don’t want to walk away, you can’t. You told me that we were meant to go through this life together. How can you say that you have changed your mind? How can you just ignore what we have?? No, please don’t. Please don’t, I can’t do this without you. I can’t lose anyone else. Please, Please, no….

  “Ah hem, Ms. Miller……Ms. Miller…” echoed as I stirred in my bed reaching behind my head to grab my pillow and pull it over my ears to get whoever keeps trying to wake me to GO AWAY. Reaching back my hand smacked against something hard. OUCH! I twisted to realize that the bed I was so comfortably laying in was not my bed at all but instead was a rather hard chair and the pillow I was reaching for was the desk behind me. Trying to get my wits about myself and figure out where the hell I really was, it dawned on me. Oh shit this is embarrassing. Having the realization my “bedroom” was actually Contracts and Negotiation 201.

  “Ms. Miller, I appreciate that you are comfortable enough around all of us that you can share your personal thoughts, however during the middle of my lecture is hardly the place. I suggest whoever is walking away from you in your dream wait until after I am done with my discussion.”

  What a fucking asshole. “I’m so sorry Professor Morris, I didn’t mean to
disrupt you. I didn’t get much sleep last night, I guess I dozed…”

  “Ms. Miller, I hardly care to hear your explanation as to why you are choosing to use my lecture time as your personal nap time and from the sounds of the discussion you were having, your personal therapy time. You should know by now this a required course and hardly a fluff course. I suggest you get your “stuff” situated before you step foot in my class and disrupt it like that again.”

  I swear I can feel fifty pairs of eye staring at me. Chancing the idea, I slowly start to look away from Professor Morris standing directly in front of me and shifted my eyes to the left from my spot located at the front furthest right side desk in the lecture hall. Yep, every person in there is looking at me. Mixed looks with chuckles and a few irritated ones have me feeling pretty stupid.

  I knew I should have skipped this damn class. I didn’t get any sleep last night since I didn’t get home until after 4:00 am and who can go straight to sleep? Before I knew it the first soap opera of the day was on and I had twenty minutes to get to class. So yeah, shoot me, I fell asleep. I’m freakin tired!

  Well, this lecture was a bust for me so why stay? Grabbing my laptop and purse, I stand and give a pretty sheepish grin to Professor Morris and make a b-line to the door to my direct right to get the hell out of here.

  As the door shuts behind me I let out a sigh of relief. Besides the pure mortification of being called out by the professor in front of the whole class, I’m trying to remember what I was talking about in my sleep. Of course leave it to me to sleep talk while in front of fifty plus students. I knew I should have skipped this class.

  Shifting my purse over my shoulder and feeling a little dejected, I started out of the building and headed towards the student union. I know there is a pool table calling my name. I need the release. Shifting my weight to lean into the metal bar to release the door I paused when I heard my name.

  “Hey Reece, hold up.”

  Great, not really wanting to deal with him right now. “Hey Chris what’s up?”

  “Hey, just wanted to catch up to you and see if you’re okay. That was pretty fucked up of Professor Morris to call you out like that. I mean I get that you were sleeping and well having a full conversation out loud where everyone could hear, but geez that was still pretty fucked up.”

  Well isn’t he just Mr Obvious. Why am I even listening to this?

  “Look Chris, thanks for checking but I’m fine. I just needed to get out of there. I can barely keep my eyes open and well I’ve had enough “look at Reece” time to last me a while. Look I gotta go.”

  “Hey wait, there is more to why I came after you. Look I was sitting right behind you,” he was? “and well, I heard what you were saying. I mean I guess you could have been dreaming but you said his name and well I know from when we used to talk that….”

  Shit! I was talking about him? Just great……

  “Look Chris, I really don’t give a shit what you think you think you know about him, or what the fuck you heard or what the fuck you’re even doing here talking to me. Stay the fuck out of my shit and I’ll stay out of yours. WE aren’t talking anymore and I don’t need you over analyzing me and trying to give me opinions and shit. I can pay someone for that. So if you don’t mind I’m outta here.”

  “Damn Reece, what the hell is your issue? I was trying to check on you and see how you’re doing. Not get in your shit. Damn it, you haven’t changed a bit. Jumping my shit for no reason, I was concerned. Pardon the fuck out of me for even trying to give a shit. When are you going to figure out the world isn’t against you.”

  With that he turned and left me standing at the door, again. I watched as the guy I thought was my answer walk away, yet again and in true Reece fashion it was because of me. Damn, what is wrong with me? Perhaps it would be a shorter list to say what isn’t wrong with me.

  With a deep breath, I pushed the heavy metal door open and the sun of the day hit me square in the face. Reaching up I grabbed my Oakley’s off the top of my head and slid them down. Spring is in full effect in Texas, which means basically its summer. Ninety degree weather, blazing sun and humidity, yep, those all make for a great day walking across campus.

  With a direct path to the Student Union, it wouldn’t take me but 3–4 minutes to get there. The Union is always busy with students grabbing coffee, eating, socializing and planning the rest of their lives. Ok maybe not planning their lives, but from some of the serious looks of concentration you would think so. My favorite part about the Union is what’s downstairs… billiards tables. Ah, sweet stress relief. When I can’t make it off campus to go over to Danny’s Place I come down here and take the stress and irritation I am going through out on the balls.

  As I entered the Union I could see the groups of people huddled together doing what it is they do. It amazes me how so many people pay to send their kids to college but really they pay for their kids to sit in the Union because I swear no matter what time of day it is, when I walk in here the same people are here in the same spots. How could they possibly attend class? I mean come on, I’ve been here for five years and they are STILL here.

  Turning the corner to head down the stairs I nearly crash into Jodi. “Oh sorry, oh Reece, didn’t see you,” she said as she looked past me. “Yeah, guess not with your head stuck on your phone, no worries no harm.” I moved to the right a bit and walked right past her. I could feel her standing there giving me the You have GOT to be joking look she use to save only for bitches she ran into. Of course, I have become one of those “bitches” now so it’s only appropriate that she be sharing in her glare. Just to see if I was right, I peered over my right shoulder as I wound down the stairs. I was right, she was standing there mouth a bit agape, hand on hip and eyes glued to me as if she were sending a death ray. Man she is good at that look, she should teach people how to do it, she’d make a killing.

  Giving a slight crooked smile I then faced forward and continued down the stairs. Hitting the doors to the Rec section of the Union, I pushed past and was met with the ever so calming sound of the CRACK of a break. Almost an instant sense of relief hit me. I just need to rack a few and let go of what just happened and get on with my day.

  The Rec was a bit of a dungeon compared to the rest of the Union. It hasn’t been updated since the 50’s and honestly, not sure if it’s been cleaned since then either. The dingy dark green carpet didn’t have a spot on it that wasn’t a stain. The dark brown walls carried such a film that I would bet money the original color of the wall was beige not dark brown. The chairs and tables that were scattered in different places across the Rec were barely being held together. It was a common joke to check a chair before you sit otherwise you will end up with your ass on the floor when the chair falls apart. Every single table in the Rec wobbled and there aren’t enough sugar packets in the Union to stack under each one to attempt to get them to level out. There are four regulation length billiards tables all of which have seen better days but luckily the University does re-felt every year. Well since they have the reigning amateur collegiate league champ playing here they figure they could at least do that. People were scattered around as I stepped off the stairs. Eyeing the table in the back, I headed to the Rec desk to get my rack. Weaving in and out of the chairs and tables I settled in at the back of the Rec. Dropping my purse on the table and pausing to make sure the table didn’t collapse under it, I turned to set my rack on the table and there she was. Shit NOW what?

  “What is your deal Reece, you have become the biggest bitch.”

  “Look Jodi, I don’t want to get into this with you especially not here and not now. I just need to decompress. Can you just leave me the hell alone for now?”

  “See, that’s my point. You NEVER want to talk. I have tried Reece, I have tried a lot and you just push past me and ignore me like everyone else. You walk around like the whole damn world hates you.”

  Grabbing the triangle I started to rack up the balls for a standard game. I am ignoring her,
just like she says I do, and keep hoping she will walk away. I don’t want to get into this with her now and not sure I ever want to. I can’t forgive her. I can’t forget, and I certainly don’t know how to move past it.

  “Just walk away Jodi, it’s not happening today,” I said with the coldest of ease. With that I heard her huff and turn as she did what I wanted and walked away.

  Taking a deep breath I begin to aim for my break. “Excuse me”. OH YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME

  “What?” I said with a definite irritation. Looking up I saw what I think is a student standing 6 feet tall, brown hair, green eyes and a body that made me want to grab the table for stability. “Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt you, but I am walking around handing out info on our new MMA training program we are offering at 89th Street Gym and wanted to see if you might be interested.”

  Ok, I must say, his looks had me a bit taken off guard, but he just said MMA, I’m a girl, he HAS to see I’m a girl. “Um, you realize I’m a girl right?” I said snarkly.

  “Of course I realize you’re a girl, who couldn’t?” His eyes danced as he finished his sentence. Ok wait, was he just flirting with me? No, not possible, nope he’s just gathering business.

  “Well if you know I’m a chick why are you asking me about MMA?”

  “Well it’s not just for guys. Yes we have a program that will prepare someone to start fighting, but the training program is not just for those that want to become MMA fighters, but actually to teach the techniques of the sport for exercise as well as self-defense. We have all kinds of options in the program. And yes, they include options for women.”