Amber Eyes

by Mariana Reuter

  I wouldn’t. I gulped again, opened and closed my fists, and walked down the crowded street with my face down and my gaze fixed on the pavement. Gigantic speakers had been placed on the sidewalk, and a disco ball hung from a streetlamp, actually turning the street into a dancing floor. Teens, and grownups, and even senior citizens, all of them danced while deafening 1970’s and 1980’s tunes played out of the speakers. With so many people, it was impossible to keep down the street. I had to walk sideways, circling the crowd so I walked through the park. My heels sank in the grass while I zigzagged between picnic tables, giant umbrellas and grills.

  Nobody noticed me, which suited me perfectly. People passed by me, lots of people, lots of teens and kids, all of them minding their business and nobody minding mine, which made me feel relieved—it meant nobody had recognized me as Justin. My girl look was just exactly right.

  Little by little, I started to raise my head, not looking down at the ground anymore but in front of me. I repeated under my breath “Don’t be afraid of yourself.” Guys started to notice me. They fixed their eyes on me, or winked an eye here and there, or raised an eyebrow. Some would turn their heads following me while I walked in front of them, and others would venture a discrete smile or a little wave. I was not used to grabbing people’s attention in a positive way, so I started to feel nervous, breathing faster—there was not enough air around me.

  A group of high school jocks stood by a picnic table covered with empty beer cans. I passed in front of them and they undressed me with their eyes. One of them called, “Kathy!”

  I didn’t stop. The guy called again, “Kathy!”

  In the next moment, he was by my side and grabbed my arm. “Kathy, are you angry at—?”

  I turned and the guy froze.

  “Sorry,” he said. “Thought you were a friend.”

  “It’s okay.” I tried to keep on, but he held my arm.

  “Wait, you go to Culver High, don’t you?”

  “No.” My face felt super hot. “I… I’m not from here. I’m visiting my grandmother.”

  The guy didn’t stand stupidly hypnotized as what always happened before when somebody stared into my eyes—maybe it only worked if I looked tomboyish. His face somehow beamed, and his blue eyes were wide open, but he was managing it very well.

  “The guys and I are waiting for a coupla girls from Culver high to join us.” He stammered a bit. He pointed back at his friends. “Wanna hang?”

  My stomach was tight. This was unbelievable. A perfect stranger, a high school jock, wanted me to join his friends? A week and a half ago, I’d been bullied in the girl’s restroom and all of a sudden a guy was asking me to hang? I couldn’t believe it, but I can tell you it felt freakin’ awesome, like I’d just been proclaimed Miss Teen America.

  “I’ll join you guys later, okay?” I thanked God it was already dark, otherwise this guy would have realized how much I’d blushed—feeling happy didn’t mean I was taking it easy. I felt totally embarrassed.

  The guy released my arm and winked. “Sure. I’m Michael. We’ll be around.”

  “I’m Alexandra. See ya later.”

  As I walked away from him, I bit my lip. Then I stopped and spun. “Michael!”

  He stopped in his tracks and spun, smiling. “Yes?”

  “Do you happen to know Edward, the sheriff’s kid?”

  Michael grimaced. His voice tone was flat. “Yeah, I know the guy.”

  “Have you seen him?”

  Michael scratched his head. “Yeah, I saw him in the 7-Eleven about five minutes ago.”

  “Oh thanks! You’re super nice.”

  I’d seen the 7-Eleven earlier. It stood two blocks away from the park. I as strode away, I could hear Michel saying to this friend, “Why does that son of a bitch always gets the hottest chicks?”

  I crossed downtown and left the crowds behind me. The 7-Eleven was dead ahead. The heels were killing me, so I took them off and sprinted along the empty street only to crash against a guy who suddenly came out of the 7-Eleven. I bounced backwards and fell on the pavement.

  “I’m so sorry! Are you okay?” He extended a hand, offering it to me so I could get to my feet.

  It was Edward. I’d finally found him.

  # # #

  I didn’t take his hand, but our eyes locked. A bolt of lightning seemed to run through Edward’s body, and he shivered.

  “Justin?” His eyes widened. “Is that you? Why…why are you dressed like that?”

  Suddenly, courage abandoned me and I didn’t know what to say, or how to start explaining myself. I stood speechless, frozen, and scared to death, feeling my face turn cold. Actually, my whole body turned cold like my blood didn’t circulate inside me anymore.

  Edward’s eyes scanned my body. Sprawled on the sidewalk, my legs where split apart and I suddenly discovered why cheerleaders used spankies under their skirts. Edward’s eyes were fixed on my panties. Like the rest of my clothes, they were a bit smaller than my correct size.

  “You’re a girl!”

  Bingo! He finally noticed it. Congrats Mr. Torrent. Now we could kiss and restart right where we’d left off last night. I wanted to hug him, to throw my arms around his neck, to press my lips against his, even guide his hand, showing him the right way to touch me. Prob was I felt as naked and embarrassed as I felt when he took off my T-shirt and didn’t realize I was a girl. This was not the way I’d planned to tell him. Well, I hadn’t planned anything at all, but flashing my sex had certainly been off any plan.

  I closed my legs with a fast movement.

  “Yes… I am,” I stammered.

  Suddenly, I needed to pee, badly, and I wanted to hide deep under the Earth.

  “What’s going on?” Edward extended a hand. He looked puzzled, but also concerned.

  I took his hand and got to my feet. Touching him again felt like plugging my fingers into a wall socket and I shivered like crazy. This was the moment of truth and I was chickening out like a kid in Disneyland’s haunted mansion. I hated myself. “Nothing. Nothing’s going on. I’m a girl. That’s it. Now you know. Nothing’s wrong with you. You kissed me and it was okay because I’m a girl.”

  I backed off two steps. I wanted to leave as fast as I could because I felt totally embarrassed. I wanted to hug him and kiss him once more, but at the same time I felt so foolish and so childish I could only think of escaping. Now Edward knew the truth so we were even. No need to stay so he could laugh at me, highlighting how ridiculous I looked and how stupid it’d been passing for a boy. I suddenly feared he’d simply lose interest in me or start to bully me, just like everybody else did at school. In the next second, I sprinted away from him, leaving the heels on the street. I bolted as fast as I could. I only had a few moments. If Edward decided to run after me, he’d overtake me in matter of seconds unless I placed a good amount of distance between us before he was able to react.

  “Justin, wait!”

  I made a right at the first corner and a left at the next one—I had to lose him. Bolting like crazy, I ran into an alley and hid in a sunken doorway. I gasped for air, but I covered my mouth so he couldn’t hear me.

  I listened carefully. No sound came to my ears besides the far away music from Lincoln Park. I smiled in relief. I’d lost Edward. Now I could carry on with the rest of my plan.

  July 4, 10:39 pm

  It was a long hike to Magnolia hall, moreover because I walked barefoot, but I didn’t care if my feet ached. I wanted to be back at home as soon as possible so, at first, I ran until I became exhausted. Afterwards, I strode as fast as I could.

  Shortly after I left Abbeville, I thought somebody was following me. The road was completely dark, darker than a theater before the movie starts, so it was impossible to tell if somebody was actually there. I hid behind some trees by the road and waited, but nobody came. I kept on and later I heard a car, a SUV that passed moments afterwards. When the road was lit by the SUV’s headlamps, I thought I saw a man hiding into the woods, bu
t then a deer crossed the road as the car drove away. I feared the SUV could be Abe’s dad driving the guys back early, or maybe Edward and Abe’s dad looking for me, but it wasn’t.

  Magnolia Hall gates were locked with its chain and padlock, and I couldn’t be sure whether the gatekeeper was at home—he might well have gone to Abbeville to celebrate the 4th of July like everybody else had.

  The gates looked somehow tilted. No, they were seriously tilted. I wondered whether a good karate kick would bring them down. Maybe not even a karate kick was needed but simply to shake them violently with both hands. If the keeper was not at home, I would give it a try.

  “Mr. Gatekeeper!” I held to the bars with both hands and shook the gates. “Mr. Gatekeeper, sir, are you in?” The gates squeaked louder than a New York subway train.

  The troll’s shack remained dark. No lights turned on. “Mr. Gatekeeper, sir! Please, I need to get in.”

  I shook the gates once more. This time, they not only squeaked and clattered, but also moved, tilting a li’l bit more. I released them and backed off two steps just in case. A light in the troll’s shack turned on. After some moments, he stepped out and aimed a flashlight at me.

  “Damned kid!” he cried in his hoarse voice. “What the hell ya think ya’re doin’? Wanna wake up the entire neighborhood?”

  “Sir,” I called, “it’s not what you think. I’m with the Boy Scouts. It’s an emergency. Can you let me in?”

  I bet it was impossible for him to tell who was at the gates even with the flashlight, unless he came closer.

  “Yar damned leader told me ya guys were all comin’ back together afte’ the fireworks.” He then waved his hand. “Go away! Come back with the rest of yar group o’ don’t come back at all. I’m openin’ the gate’ only once tonight.” He went back inside the shack and slammed the door.

  If he didn’t open the gates, I was doomed. I couldn’t wait until the rest of the Boy Scouts returned from the celebration. Yago would come back immediately after them, and he’d learn I planned to hide in the mansion. My chest tightened. “Sir!” I shook the gates. “Listen to me. I need to get in. Please, sir.”

  The gates clattered as if bells hung from their bars. The troll came out again. “God almighty, ya scream like a girl, boy. Shut up. Shame on yarself screamin’ like that. Go away and leave the gate’ alone.”

  “It’s because I’m a girl,” I yelled. “I need your help.”

  “A girl? T’is irregular…” Once again, he aimed the beam on me, but this time he actually looked me over. He went back inside and came out holding his cane. He limped all the way toward the gate and cackled, “What the ‘ell are ya doin’ here? It’s too late fo’ a girl to be alone.”

  He stopped short some three of four steps before the gates and aimed the flashlight’s beam at me again, directly at my face—he was wearing his eyeglasses. The beam hurt my eyes, but I didn’t even blink. I held his gaze for what seemed an eternity. Then he shivered and almost choked, “Missu’ Laura!”

  I froze. That was not the reaction I’d been looking for, but it didn’t matter. It was altogether handy. He wouldn’t be the first person mistaking me in the last few days. Besides, I myself had thought that the picture of Laura at Grandma’s house was mine, because we looked so much alike. No wonder this poor old man had gotten my identity wrong too.

  I nodded and bit my lip.

  “Missu’ Laura! Ya should ‘ave told me ya would come back before the Boy Scout’. I’m so sorry. I didn’t recognize ya at first. These damned eyeglasses. Need new ones’. Since I lost my right eye, I can barely see a thing at all at night’.”

  The troll was still holding my gaze.

  “It’s okay.” I begged, “Can I come in?”

  He slapped his forehead. “How stupid of me. Of course, ya can. But… wait, wait. I need the key’. Gimmie a minute.”

  The troll broke the eye contact and ran back to his shack. Well, the nearest thing to running because he rather hopped like a bird. He came back with a key ring with one single key with which he opened the padlock. “Be very welcome, Missu’, welcome back.”

  He bowed as I walked past the gates and then closed them without locking the padlock. I breathed in the night’s fresh air, scented by the trees, and looked around me. Everything looked sooo familiar now. I only spent four years of my life living in Magnolia Hall, but it seemed as if it’d been centuries. I couldn’t get lost in the forest. Not ever. I remembered every path and trail, every tree, every fountain, every pond—my grandmother and I used to amble the park after lunch. Suddenly, I felt somehow tired. But the tiredness was fulfilling rather than exhausting. I was at home. The place was mine, I owned it. I smiled.

  “Wanna ya go ta the house, or ta the Boy Scout’ camp, Missu’?”

  “To the house.” Then I thought I shouldn’t have told him. The fewer people who knew my plans, the better. Even better if nobody knew them at all.

  The troll shook his head and rubbed the back of his neck. “I apologize, Missu’. The lights… t’is long ago since the last time they worked. The main avenue… t’is completely dark.”

  “It’s okay, I know my way.”

  He opened his eyes wide. “Ya’re not plannin’ ta walk the avenue alone, Missu’ Laura, are ya? You can’t walk alone in the middle of the night. I’ll go with ya. I’ll show ya the way.” The troll pointed with a crooked finger to the flashlight he held. “I’m smart. I’ve got t’is flashlight. Follow me if ya please, Missu’.” He thrust his chest out and raised his chin.

  He led the way down yet another half muddy, a half cobblestone-paved trail flanked by tall trees and blind street lamps, remnants of a glorious, dead past. I remembered how this avenue shone like Times Square when all those street lamps were on. I sighed. An infinite sadness filled my heart.

  After some minutes of silent walking, the troll said, almost in a whisper, “I’m sorry, Missu’, that ya found everythin’ so different. Those people, the union folk’, they camped before the gate’ for several day’. The master and the missu’ fled for their lives in a chopper. I did my best ta stop the mob, but t’was impossible. They knocked down the gate’. When t’was all over, I repaired the gate’ but couldn’t do it properly.”

  His voice cracked. Abruptly, he was no longer a troll. He was a poor hunchback, an old man who had tried to do his best. I felt angry because I couldn’t remember his name. How could I be so mean to forget such a loyal servant’s name?

  “That night, Missu’,” he kept on, whispering, “I brought my shotgun and fired twice in the air, but nothin’ could have stopped ‘em. Even the police ‘ad a ‘ard time. Over 300 people arrested. I cleaned the ‘ouse and the fountain’, but everything t’was lost, completely lost…” He glanced at me, wiping his cheeks with a hand. “I managed to repair only one fountain. T’is the one closer to the ‘ouse, in the big roundabout. The one with the angels—”

  “I saw it. You did a terrific job,” I said. His lips curved slightly upward, and there was a gleam in his one good eye.

  In that moment, the bluish and reddish glow of the fireworks brightened the sky. We stopped and turned our faces upwards as more and more fireworks exploded. The gatekeeper checked his watch. “4th of July again,” he sighed. “So many good partie’, so many good memorie’ when Master Aaron and missu’ Amanda used to live ‘ere… Those were grande’ days.”

  I bet they were. I stared at one of the dead street lamps above us and it started to blink many times until it finally turned on. When I stared at a second one, it turned on as well. A third and a fourth one followed. Each lamp I stared at turned on. Were my eyes doing their trick again? Some moments afterwards, the whole avenue was lit, like back in those grander days.

  The gatekeeper squinted as he contemplated the street lamps turning on one by one. He locked his hands behind him and tilted his head to the right and to the left. First, he pouted, but afterwards, a lazy smile drew itself on his face. After the last street lamp had turned on, he turned o
ff his flashlight. He looked like the accomplice of someone who’d just robbed a bank. “It seem’ the flashlight t’is not necessary anymore. Follow me, Missu’ Laura. We’re almost there.”

  A few minutes later, we crossed the grounds around the house with the grass up to our thighs. The fireworks still cracked in the air. The gatekeeper stopped short away from the towering main doors—one of them still missing—and pointed at the house.

  “There ya’re, Missu’,” he said, shaking his head. “I… I can’t go any furthe’. T’is been many year’ since the last time I went inside. Unless ya want me ta—”

  “It’s not necessary. Thanks a lot.” I moved closer to him and kissed his cheek. “You’re super nice. I appreciate it.”

  He blushed. “T’was nothing, Missu’.”

  Inside of the house, darkness reigned. No lights turned on, either by magic or by ghosts, or by negative energy. The smell was still the same: a blend of dust, moisture, and years of oblivion. The chandelier still lay half buried at the center of the main hall, and the window at the top of the marble stairway remained broken.

  I tiptoed down the grand hall, glancing right and left at my own reflections on the many mirrors. They were cracked, so each of them reflected me several times. It seemed like many people were walking in the same direction. At some point, I could have sworn I saw Laura in one of those mirrors, and my grandmother, and even my dad. I stopped at the foot of the stairway and looked up. This time, I was sure I was alone: no ghosts or negative energy from the past, no actual or make believe people calling me on the phone, and no Boy Scouts waiting under the porch either to kiss me or spy on me. I was on my own.

  I sighed. Laura had killed him. She’d killed my dad. It’d been an accident, but also a homicide. Worst of all, she didn’t face it but fled. She pretended she was willing to face it only to push that poor cop. He lied in his report and turn into her accomplice. Even if the truth were discovered later, that cop would make sure it never surfaced. He’d been one of Laura’s boyfriends. Laura had started to date guys when she was still married until it turned into a vice.