Medium Dead

by Chris Dolley

  “Is that true?”

  “I’m too tired to lie.”

  She stared at his face for a good two seconds, while trying to make up her mind. He didn’t look like he’d been lying, but then he never did. And he did look shattered. His eyes had closed again and his skin was ashen.

  Her thoughts returned to all the loose ends they’d have to tie up – Kayla’s murder, the exploding ambulance. What if that became big news? Ambulance explodes and no body parts found inside. It was tailor-made for UFO nuts and conspiracy theorists. It could be talked about for years.

  “We’ll sort it out tomorrow,” said Brian. “I’ll beam body parts in or doctor the findings somehow.”

  Then there was the money. How were they going to spend it? On spare body parts?

  “And what about the Inquisitors and the Synod?” she asked.

  “Tomorrow,” said Brian. He sounded exhausted, but then he usually did when he didn’t want to talk about something.

  And there was still that little matter of whether Brian was a demon or not.

  A musty smell wafted under Brenda’s nose. Had those ghosts come back?

  One had. A woman with a broken nose, a badly bruised face and ... she was wearing Brenda’s clothes.

  “We did it,” said a jubilant Ghost Brenda, her smile undiminished by the lack of several teeth. “I knew we’d make a great team.”

  Brenda just stared. Oh. My. God. I haz ghost. With a giant red broken nose! And I smell already!

  o0o

  Carl Briant – aka Septimus Holroyd, aka Louis de Mazarin, aka Diego de Aguilar, aka Yussuf ibn Tashfin, aka Hreidar Bloodaxe, aka Marcus Valerius Sabinus, aka Leonidas of Sparta, aka Rahotep, aka countless names stretching far back into pre-history – was having a quiet drink with a colleague when he noticed a familiar face on the television screen.

  “Hey, turn that up!”

  His colleague, Hiro Tanaka, a mere youngster of two thousand summers, punched at the remote, turning up the volume on the television set.

  A picture of Andrius Luksa, aka Daddy, filled the screen.

  “...when the ambulance he was travelling in exploded. A woman was also killed. Police have yet to release her name, but sources close to the investigation say that she was another of Andrius Luksa’s hostages. The parents of Mary Alice Cassini have flown to Syracuse to meet their daughter.”

  Tanaka killed the sound. He was angry. “What does Andrius think he’s doing, drawing attention to himself like that? We told him one human at a time and don’t get your face on the news.”

  “I think we have a bigger problem. Didn’t Abbiati say that boy and his mother kept mentioning Mary Alice Cassini?”

  “That’s right.” He paused, turning his head back to the screen. “You think they’re connected?”

  “I think we better find out.”

  o0o

  It was a new day and, for Brenda, a new face. Well, it was the old one, but after spending the best part of a day with a large red nose staring back at her from the mirror, it felt new.

  And Brian had changed too – at last – shapeshifting that missing cookie of flesh somewhere else on his body. Brenda didn’t want to even think where.

  “Anything more I can do before we get back to work?” he asked. “New dress? New hair?”

  “Well....” She twirled a stray strand of hair. “Is Count Fabio busy this evening?”

  Acknowledgements

  A big thank you to my editors, Jennifer Stevenson and Sherwood Smith.

  Other Books by Chris Dolley

  What Ho, Automaton! — $2.99

  Wodehouse Steampunk! Reggie Worcester and Reeves, his gentleman‘s personal gentle-automaton, are consulting detectives in an alternative 1903 where an augmented Queen Victoria is still on the throne and automata are a common sight below stairs. Humour, Mystery, Aunts, and Zeppelins!

  “A fun blend of P.G. Wodehouse, steampunk and a touch of Sherlock Holmes. Dolley is a master at capturing and blending all these elements. More than fascinating, this work is also rip-roaring fun! But where Dolley really excels is in capturing the atmosphere and humor of the Bertie and Jeeves stories. Any Wodehouse fan will want to grab a copy of this work, but even if you have never explored that world, What Ho, Automaton! is a fun and fascinating read. Highly recommended, take a spin in this steampunk hybrid and enjoy the ride!” - SFRevu

  “I found myself laughing out loud at Reggie and the fabulous Reeves as they romped their way through various adventures. A homage to Wodehouse without being sycophantic, this is fantastic.” — Sueo23

  “I enjoyed every page of this book. A steampunk novel that combines classic British Humor, tongue-in-cheek references to Sherlock Holmes and a cast of great characters. I don‘t think I‘ve actually laughed out loud this much while reading a book in a very long time.” — ErisAerie

  “Dolley has managed to capture Wodehouse‘s style, rhythm, and sense of humor almost perfectly ... it is just so much fun, and the author‘s exploration of this alternative England, full of robots and polite Frankenstineian constructs, adds an absurd depth not found in its inspiration.” — Magus Manders

  “Absolutely enjoyable book to read. The author creates this fantastical old England with a nut of a main character and a mechanic sidekick that leave you grinning after each page. It‘s the next best thing to Sherlock Holmes, and I hope there are sequels.” — Ashschreck

  “A rollicking good read! Not having read the original Wodehouse (although feeling a sudden desire to) but being a huge fan of the TV series I adored these stories - I could hear Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry in my head. True to character and quick of wit, I couldn‘t stop laughing.” — Larry Auld

  Resonance — $2.99

  Graham Smith is a 33 year old office messenger. To the outside world he‘s an obsessive compulsive mute - weird but harmless. But to Graham Smith, it‘s the world that‘s weird. And far from harmless. He sees things other can‘t...or won‘t. He knows that roads can change course, people disappear, office blocks migrate across town - all at night when no one‘s looking.

  Only by following a rigid routine can he lessen these effects. If he walks the same route to work every morning and catches the same train, and keeps himself to himself, then there’s a good chance his house will still be where he left it when he returns home in the evening.

  Annalise Mercado hears voices. Sometimes she thinks they‘re spirit guides, sometimes she thinks she‘s crazy. But then they start telling her about Graham Smith, the danger he‘s in and how only she can save him. So begins the story of two people whose lives appear fragmented across alternate realities. And how, together, they hold the key to the future of a billion planets...

  “Resonance is a tremendously accomplished book ... and immediately raises Dolley into the ranks of writers to watch. It‘s a head-over-heels romp through ever-changing realities, crammed with great set-pieces, excellent hooks and some nice one-liners.” — Keith Brooke, Infinity Plus

  “This is one of the most original new science fiction books I have ever read. In fact, as an inspired new take on a familiar SF idea it‘s original enough to stand comparison with "The Time Traveler‘s Wife" or "Memoirs of an Invisible Man. If it is as big a hit as it deserves, it may well be this book which becomes the standard by which SF stories about ... are judged.” — Marshall Lord

  “I have read a lot of science fiction and have gone through tons of plots, so when I find one that is unique I certainly take notice. Resonance is one of those books that have it all. Interesting plot with plenty of mysteries and twists, characters you care about, and solid writing that strings it all together.” — Jeffrey Miller

  Shift — $3.99

  A near future SF mystery thriller with a touch of out-of-body horror.

  A serial killer with multiple personalities. An astronaut who returns from higher dimensional space a changed man. And two unlikely detectives who have to get inside the mind of a killer ... literally.

  Astronaut John Bruce was
the first man to pilot a ship through higher dimensional space. Two years after his triumphant return, a second John Bruce appears – as a new personality of Peter Pendennis, an imprisoned serial killer with multiple personalities. The doctors are sceptical, until he asks to see Louise Callander, the astronaut‘s former girlfriend, and reveals things only the real John Bruce could know.

  Hyperpsychologist Nick Stubbs is brought in to investigate. According to the latest research, the mind doesn‘t just inhabit the physical three-dimensional world. It projects into the higher dimensions, and if Bruce’s brain had been inadequately shielded when he‘d entered higher dimensional space...

  Could a part of his personality have been torn away? And somehow attached itself to a new host? Nick’s initial scans of Pendennis’s brain are unlike anything he’s seen before, but before he can continue, the killings start. Soon Nick and Louise are on the run, from the police, and the killer, but how can they evade a murderer who appears to be able to walk through walls?

  And there‘s an added problem. Astronaut John Bruce – or is it Mr. Hyde? – just happens to be running for President.

  “Shift is an exciting and shocking futuristic thriller. The characters are original, and the imagery pulls you in. Incorporating heart-pounding suspense and an inventive twist of science fiction, I enjoyed this story even more than Dolley’s Resonance.” — SciFiChick

  Magical Crimes — $0.99

  Magical Crimes is a fun CSI with magic and ‘a little something else’ novelette. The little something else being two foot long and lurking in the hero’s trousers. But don’t worry, the boinkwurst in this story is used purely for the purpose God intended — humour and crimefighting — not lustful titillation.

  French Fried — $3.99

  Animals behaving badly, other people’s misfortunes and the most bizarre true crime story ever. The international bestseller, French Fried, is the unfortunately true account of Chris Dolley’s first eight months in France and has been described as ‘A Year in Provence with Miss Marple and Gerald Durrell.’

  Just when Chris and Shelagh think nothing more could possibly go wrong, they discover that Chris’s identity has been stolen and their life savings - all the money from their house sale in England that was going to finance their new life in France - had disappeared. A bank account had been opened in Chris’s name in Spain to take the proceeds.

  Then they’re abandoned by the police forces of four countries who all insist the crime belongs in someone else’s jurisdiction. The French say it’s an Irish crime as that’s where the money was held. The Irish say it’s French as that’s where all the correspondence came from. The British say it’s nothing to do with them even though forged British passports were used to open the bank account in Spain. And the Spanish are on holiday - and can’t even think about investigating any bank account for at least four weeks.

  So Chris has to solve the crime himself. But unlike fictional detectives he has an 80 year-old mother-in-law and an excitable puppy who insist they come along if he’s going anywhere interesting - like a stakeout.

  “This was a fantastic read. It had me laughing so much that I nearly got relegated to the sofa! Once I had started reading this book, I could not put it down, I was even quite happy to miss my favourite T.V programmes!” — Bookmarked

  “When I downloaded this book this morning, I had every intention of putting it on my phone and reading it in dribs and drabs. And now I appear to have finished the book! The best thing about ‘French Fried‘ is it‘s sense of humour; warm, self-deprecating, and very British. Literally laugh out loud in several places (I‘m glad I‘m the only one home!).” — Librarything

  “Chris Dolley‘s humour reminds me of James Herriot at times, with my husband shushing me in the middle of the night. I could not put this book down and enjoyed it immensely. The characters, especially Nan, were life-size.” — Salammi

  International Kittens of Mystery — $2.99

  In an uncertain world there is one organisation that stands head and small furry shoulders above the rest. Whenever the planet is in danger - be it from giant balls of wool or bands of renegade squirrels - only one group is guaranteed to answer the call. The International Kittens of Mystery!

  This is a journal of their stories. For the first time, cameras have been allowed into one of their top secret training camps - Training Camp Alpha. A camp where, under the supervision of pet humans, recruits are shown not only how to save the world but also how to manage their secret identities - how to blend in and infiltrate the human society that they alone can protect.

  “Cat pictures! Silly jokes! Adventures! Exclamation points! This book constitutes the best-spent twenty minutes I‘ve had in quite some time.” — What Book is That

  “Hilarious! I can‘t wait to show this book to my sons. I know it will remain a source of fun for us for years to come.” — The True Book Addict

  An Unsafe Pair Of Hands (coming July, 2011) — $3.99

  Peter Shand is the ‘safe pair of hands’ - a high-flying police administrator seconded to a quiet rural CID team to gain the operational experience he needs for promotion. On his second day he’s thrust into a high-profile murder case. A woman’s body is discovered in an old stone circle - with another woman buried alive beneath her.

  The pressure on Shand is enormous. The case is baffling. There appears to be no link between the two crimes. The media is clamouring for answers. And Shand’s convinced his wife is having an affair with someone called Gabriel.

  Which just happens to be the name of the two chief suspects. Both are womanisers, and both mention a mystery woman - who sounds suspiciously like Shand’s wife - as their alibi. The pressure builds. Shand can’t sleep, a local journalist is out to discredit him, his wife is about to be dragged into the case and then, goaded at a press conference about lack of progress, he invents a lead. And keeps on lying - to the press, his boss, his team - telling himself that he’ll solve the case before anyone finds out.

  And then another murder occurs. And had there been a third?

  Shand begins to doubt his ability. He’s desperate, increasingly unpredictable, pursued by an amorous psychic, and somehow gaining a reputation for arresting livestock.

  Which will break first? The case, or Shand?

  “This book started off with a bang and sped quickly down a steep hill with more twists than a twisty thing. I really enjoyed this book and could hardly put it down!” - Diane Johnstone

  “I gave up sleep so that I could read to the surprising and satisfying ending. I laughed out loud in public in response to the quirky plot twists. An Unsafe Pair of Hands by Chris Dolley is a masterful addition to the British mystery genre.” - Barth Siemens

  “This mystery is so much fun. The humor is delightful and the plot is complex enough to keep you turning pages to the end. And the characters are marvelous, from the snobby London “incomers” the Marchants to The Moleman and even a cock-a-doodle-dooing chicken, all of whom are suspect at one time or other. This is by far one of the best summer reads of 2011.” - Jensview

  “This is a very good read. You will want to be sure to have a day off or a quiet weekend ahead of you, because this book is very hard to put down once you get started reading it.” - Kathleen Kempa

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  Chris Dolley, Medium Dead