by C. J. Duggan
“Friends of yours?” Sean asked.
I looked down at my drink and started picking the label off. “Doesn’t matter where you go in this town, you always run into someone you don’t want to.”
My voice was lower, calmer. I was weary. It seemed like I’d rolled through anger; I could only guess I was spiraling into self-pity as I let the judgmental snickers affect me.
Sean leaned in and spoke quietly into my ear.
“Do you want to go for a walk?” His brows were furrowed in concern. I looked around the people at the Point, including Carla and Peter, and I decided that it was exactly what I wanted to do.
“Grab me another drink, okay?”
Sean sighed. “Yes, ma’am.”
We trudged through the darkness and navigated the rocky terrain far enough away that the sounds of laughter and music from a car stereo grew faint. A cylinder of light and sparks shone into the sky from the fire. We walked in the opposite direction at the base of sloping rocks behind the shack of the fire lookout. The moon was full and high enough in the sky for me to make out Sean’s broad back as I carefully followed him.
Sean effortlessly wove down the path in a fast stride, my drink dangling from his fingers. I stopped and leaned against a boulder to catch my breath.
“Wait,” I huffed, “slow down.”
Sean paused, turning back.
“One of your steps is equal to, like, six of mine.” I could make out the brilliant white of his teeth. He tilted and looked at my legs.
“Sorry, I forgot.”
I reached out for my drink. He held it towards me but just as I was about to take it he lifted it out of my reach.
“Don’t be a dick.” I jumped but he held it up and away.
With hands on my hips, I glared at him and hoped there was enough moonlight to show my murderous look. Sean lowered the bottle and just as I reached for it, he lifted it again with a laugh.
“You’re such a fucking child!”
“Am not times infinity, no returns.”
I tried not to laugh but couldn’t help it and leaned against the rock, arms crossed, refusing to play the game. Sean handed me my drink and joined me against the rock as I twisted the top off. The metallic snap and hiss of bubbles from his can as he opened it pierced the silence.
We both took a swig.
“Can I ask you a personal question?” Sean flicked the ring of his can away into the darkness.
I followed suit and threw my bottle top. “I guess.” I suddenly felt uneasy.
“What’s going on with you and Toby?”
Any momentary light mood Sean had put me in was overshadowed by a searing pain as my mind flashed back to Angela’s red Lancer behind Toby’s ute. I turned away, hoping he hadn’t noticed my reaction.
“Nothing, why?”
“Just wondered.”
I looked back at him. “Yeah, well, there’s absolutely nothing going on.”
Sean’s eyes narrowed in thought, looking at me as if he was weighing something up in his mind, his expression unreadable as he took in my answer.
“Fair enough.” We were quiet for a moment. “Can I ask another personal question?”
I sighed and tilted my head at him in annoyance. It made him smile.
“Can I kiss you?”
Wait … what? All thoughts, good and bad, evaporated from my mind. Sean gazed up at the stars, as if he hadn’t said a word, hadn’t asked me that bonkers question. An outrageous question, a question that had me thinking, and then moving and him looking down at me. And then the next thing I knew I was kissing Sean Murphy.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Maybe it was the buzz of the alcohol?
Or the secluded darkness and the attraction I had always had for Sean, but as he lifted me and pressed me against the rock I knew that it was all in an effort to forget. I kissed Sean so fiercely it had taken him back initially, his brows raising in surprise as my hands wrapped around his neck, my tongue slipping inside his mouth. Sean broke away breathless, holding my wrists and looking down at me like I was a stranger. Then, as if reading my pleading gaze, silently telling him that this was what I wanted, what I needed, he pinned me against the rock and met my urgent, forceful kisses. As our mouths feasted on one another, I knew it was exactly what I needed. My mind was clearing, erasing every touch, every memory, every moment with Toby Morrison. And as Sean lifted my leg to bend around his waist, I wanted to hurt Toby, hurt him like he hurt me. A new excitement ran through me, a new urge as I moved and moaned against Sean’s muscular frame, his arms pinning me in like a cage, lifting me as if I weighed nothing. I wrapped my other leg around his waist and gasped at the new pleasure I felt as he pressed in between the junction of my thighs. Now all thoughts of anyone else were gone as I was blinded by the thrill that threatened to surge as Sean’s hips rocked into me. We were fully clothed but with heated, passionate kisses and touches I was on the edge, and as his hand slipped from my breast to between my legs and his friction intensified, the pleasure so intense, so unexpected, I screamed into his shoulder and went limp in his arms. Sean’s groans ebbed as my own died and he slumped, his weight on me pinned me to the cold slab that stung through my shirt and, what I suspected, grazed my back now I could feel the sting.
Hot breaths heated my neck, and then Sean’s gravelly voice half laughed in my ear.
“Christ! I haven’t come that hard since high school.” He chuckled and kissed my neck.
I let the aftershock of my climax ride over me; I felt the wet patch and the bulge pressing against me from Sean’s jeans. I pressed my face into the alcove of Sean’s neck, and sobbed. I sobbed so hard and so violently my body shook. All my hurt, anger, confusion and shame flooded through me.
“Hey, hey, hey … what’s wrong?” He cupped my face, forcing me to look into his worried eyes.
“What’s wrong, did I hurt you?”
I laughed through the tears. “Hurt me? No.” God, if only he knew what he just did to me. “I’m sorry.” I broke away, straightened my clothes and fixed my hair. I tried to wipe my face.
“This was a mistake. I shouldn’t have come here with you.”
Sean rubbed my arm. “Do you want to go home?”
I hiccupped and nodded. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.
He smiled. “Hey, don’t be, come on.”
We walked back to the group, moving slower this time and together. Sean kept glancing at me as he stepped over rocks and steadied me as I went along. As we walked back into the clearing of the Point, Sean pulled his shirt over his crotch and I straightened my skirt and top. We rounded the corner of the old fire shack and walked right into the path of Carla and Peter. Their stunned gazes roamed over our dishevelled states, my bloodshot eyes, our kiss-swollen lips. They exchanged knowing smirks and walked off without a word, whispering and snickering to each other.
I couldn’t take any more. I had never felt so ashamed; I had used Sean and behaved in a way … who was that girl out in the bush with him? She didn’t seem like Tess, that’s for sure.
***
I squinted one sleepy eye open as my phone chimed. A text message.
Breakfast at the Diner you dirty stop out. From: Ellie.
I had disappeared on her last night without a word, something we promised not to do to one another, so I figured I owed her. Plus, I had to tell her that my Toby phase was well and truly over and that I didn’t want to talk about him, ever again. My summer was to enter a new phase and this one didn’t involve the Onslow Boys – any of them. It was the only way I could see surviving with my reputation intact, not to mention my sanity.
I was exhausted, my hair still damp from my hot shower – a useless attempt to get rid of my hangover. Stupid West Coast Coolers. It really was the devil’s brew.
A block away from the Caltex diner my phone chimed a message from Ellie:
Toby’s here :)
A cold shiver ran down my spine. She thought she was passing on good news. I paused and contempl
ated going home again, but then squared my shoulders, held my head up high and kept walking.
Sure enough, a long line of cars parked out the front, and right in the middle of the car park was Toby’s navy Ford ute. I recalled the vague mutterings of the Onslow Boys’ fishing trip. Was that today? All of a sudden, I felt grateful for stopping by his house; it would prevent me from mooning over him and making an even bigger fool of myself than I had already. Even though my head tried to convince myself, my heart wasn’t buying it for a second.
I pushed through the door. The Caltex booths that lined the front windows were packed and, as usual, the place was a hub of activity. Sunday mornings were always chaotic at the Caltex, a regular meeting point before people set out on their lake-bound adventures. More importantly, you could fuel up on greasy eggs and bacon after a boozy Saturday night. My stomach churned; I couldn’t think of anything worse. A sea of inquisitive eyes rested on me, including Toby’s. A boyish smile lit his face when he looked up from his menu; I never hated him more because my traitorous heart still skipped a beat at the very sight of him. I exchanged niceties and said hello to everyone and no one in particular, making a point of not looking at him. The Onslow Boys and company occupied two booths; there was only one space left and mercifully it wasn’t in Toby’s booth.
Everyone slid sideways and bunched up a little closer to allow me space; Sean moved his things and shifted without a beat even though he was in deep debate with Stan who sat opposite with Ellie. I didn’t even mind the fact I was wedged in next to Sean. When he dropped me home last night, we had agreed our tryst in the bush would be our secret. Even now, the fact he didn’t offer me a reassuring smile made me grateful and relax a little. Unfortunately, the line of our U shaped booth had me sitting directly back to back with Toby. He was so agonisingly close, I could feel the seat dip and shift every time he moved.
Ellie beamed at me and raised her brows as if I was sitting in the best seat in the house. It seemed to take all her effort not to give me a double thumbs up, and I was definitely grateful that she didn’t. Sean slid me a menu.
“Something to reline the stomach?”
“Coffee to reignite my shattered soul.”
He laughed. “With a dash of fruit-flavored wine?”
“Sean, I swear if you don’t stop talking, I will claw your face off.”
Sean cat-called and laughed a deep, happy laugh in typical Sean fashion. I smiled back. Even though we had overstepped a massive line last night, nothing had changed. That was something, at least. I tried to swallow the nauseous feeling that swelled in the pit of my stomach; being so close to Toby was killing me. When it came to him, no matter what beautiful, friendly and totally oblivious smile he threw my direction, I knew nothing would be okay with us. I tried not to let my heart spike each time I heard his voice from behind me, I felt the clamminess of my hands trying to keep my breaths even. Being so close to him, to Sean, I couldn’t take it. I had to get out of there.
“Where did you get to last night, anyhow?” Ellie tried for mad, but she was more curious then anything.
Sean didn’t flinch, but I must have shifted uneasily, and the booth behind me shifted with movement, and I watched Toby pass and walk towards the counter. He was back with Angela. I meant nothing to him. My misery spiral was interrupted by the sound of skin sliding against vinyl.
“Hey, did any of you hear about last night?” Amanda’s elbows appeared over from the other booth and rested on the back of our seat between Sean’s head and mine.
I gripped the salt shaker.
“No doubt we’re about to,” mused Stan.
Amanda looked around like she was some A-grade spy before she continued.
“Guess who’s back in town?” Her eyes lit with excitement.
She had all our attentions now.
“Angela Vickers,” she whispered, perhaps a bit too loudly, as she flicked a glance towards the counter.
The salt shaker flew out of my hand and rolled across the table. Sean grabbed it and gave me a weird look as he placed it back in the holder.
“So?” Sean snapped as he moved his head away to avoid Amanda’s elbow.
“So, apparently she went round to Toby’s last night.”
Ellie’s eyes widened, her gaze darted to me, and I was all but ready to get up and leave. The last thing I needed was details.
“Apparently, she rocked up at some ungodly hour, drunk off her head and started roof rocking his house.”
A snort escaped Stan and Sean broke out in laughter.
“It’s not funny,” Amanda continued.
“He had to call her parents to come get her. She was smashing the place apart, broke all his lights with rocks, broke a window …”
My eyes darted towards Toby who was in a conversation with a local by the counter. Oh no.
“Then what happened?” Ellie pressed.
“Her mum and dad came and got her and, boy, were they pissed. Her mum went right off at Toby, saying he broke their precious daughter’s heart, she even slapped him across the face.”
“How do you know all this?” I said.
Amanda smiled. “I know everything.” With a wink, she looked pointedly from me to Sean and flopped back down in her seat again as Toby returned.
What had I done?
Ellie missed nothing. She looked from Sean to me with a troubled expression.
My throat closed up, my heart beating rapidly. The diner started feeling too small; way too small. I needed air. I needed to get out.
“I have to go.” I jumped out of my seat.
He wasn’t with her, he wasn’t with her.
As I strode across the car park, the door slid open again behind me.
“Tess, wait up.” Ellie followed me. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing, I’m just hungover.”
“Bullshit. What’s wrong with you?”
How could I summarise the week’s events in a Caltex parking lot, within a stone’s throw of the Onslow Boys?
“What’s up with you and Sean?”
“Nothing,” I said too quickly
She rolled her eyes at me, her jaw set. “I saw the look you two gave each other after Amanda said that stuff, why don’t you tell me anything anymore? I thought we were best friends.”
“We are.”
“No, best friends tell each other things. They’re not all secretive and leave in the middle of a lock-in without telling me. It’s like … who are you, Tess? I don’t even know you these days.”
My stomach soured. “Sorry to be so inconvenient, Ellie. For once, I have a life and you can’t stand it. What do you want me to do, wait on the bonnet of cars for you for the rest of our lives?”
“What are you talking about?”
“You know what I’m talking about. If you think I’ve changed, then you’re right. Maybe I have. It’s called not living in your shadow anymore, so get used to it.”
Ellie watched me for a moment then stepped closer, her look grave. “Tess, I just don’t want you to whore around.”
“What, like you?” I regretted it the moment it left my mouth, I regretted the look of hurt it caused to flash across her face and I regretted hearing her response.
“Go to hell, Tess.”
Ellie walked off just as Stan approached, hearing the final outburst. In a way I wished she had just hit me; I deserved it.
The door slid open again and Stan and Ellie passed Sean, Ringer and Toby on their way back. Oh God. I would have completely crumbled, except Sean handed me a coffee in a polystyrene cup.
“You forgot this.”
“Thanks.”
Sean and Ringer walked on towards the car, readying themselves for the epic fishing adventure, leaving Toby who stood next to me, the two of us alone for the first time since … well … just since.
If he asked me if I was okay, I might have screamed, but in typical Toby fashion, he didn’t pry.
“I didn’t know you liked coffee.” He slid a pair of Ray B
ans on, shielding him from the bright morning glare.
I tried to smile but I knew I didn’t pull it off. I blinked away the tears that threatened to come and wished I had my own pair of Ray Bans to hide my eyes.
How was all this possible? How had I managed to do so many stupid things in such a short span of time?
Toby sensed my mood and struggled to find words of ease.
“Well, if I don’t get sunstroke, I’ll see you tonight?”
“Sure.”
Sean and Ringer cat-called for Toby to hurry up, and he gave me a shy smile as he walked away.
“Toby!” I called after him.
He turned, peeling off his shades so his eyes met mine. It was like a silent exchange before he broke into a brilliant smile, and I knew instantly he wasn’t trying to avoid me. If anything, my guilt over last night’s train wreck had me wanting to avoid him and his beaming smile. A smile that still showed even after last night and his showdown with Angela, he was still here smiling at me. He winked at me, a secret between just the two of us, replaced his shades and jogged towards the ute and his boys, without a care in the world.
What had I done?
Chapter Thirty-Eight
I know I said Ellie usually got over things, but this time was different.
The afternoon shift was tense and awkward as my attempts at small talk with her, let alone apologise, were met with stony silence. Any time our paths crossed in the restaurant, Ellie made a not-too-subtle attempt to avoid me all together. In the evening, when I made my way into the kitchen, I felt sick at the thought of enduring more of the same cold treatment.
I deserved it, I knew that, but it didn’t mean I had to like it.
Laughter echoed out from the kitchen as I pushed my way through the swinging kitchen door. Ellie, Rosanna and Amy stood around the prep area. I was met with a casual ‘hello’ from Rosanna and Amy. Ellie’s laughter dried up and her smile dropped at the sight of me. She pushed her shoulders back and with a casual flick of her pony tail, gathered her apron and left the kitchen without a word.
“What’s going on between you two?” Amy frowned.
“Long story.” I sighed. It wasn’t really that long; I just didn’t want to talk about it with the likes of Amy and Rosanna. Amy shrugged and continued her conversation with Rosanna. I pulled my rings off and dropped them into my apron pockets, glancing wearily at the kitchen clock – 5:55pm; it was going to be a long, long shift.