by C. J. Duggan
At least my fallout with Ellie took my mind off other things, the things that really troubled me. It was the only positive point I could take from the drama. I looked blankly at the docket whose table number I had forgotten to write down; Christ, I couldn’t even remember who I’d served. This mistake wasn’t an isolated incident tonight. As soon as I thought I was getting my shit together at work, I was back to making stupid mistakes, like the good old days. I walked from the restaurant into the bar trying to jog my memory. Was the salmon for that old guy with the comb over? How about this Lamb Rogan Josh; had that lady in the leopard print ordered it? Had I served her? I had no idea. Shit! I didn’t fancy being yelled at by Rosanna, not tonight. I moved towards the poolroom and frowned at the docket, hoping if I stared at it hard enough, it would jolt my memory.
But it didn’t. Instead, my body was jolted as I slammed into what felt like a brick wall. Knocking me off balance, I juggled the plates precariously.
Oh no, oh no, don’t drop them, oh no …
A pair of hands reached out to steady me.
“Whoa, look out!” Toby held me still for a moment until I seemed to have my balance again.
I didn’t drop them, thank God I didn’t drop them.
He grinned down at me. “You okay?”
I had been so distracted I hadn’t even heard the front bar door open, or seen the Onslow Boys walk in, until I had collided with one. Sean and Stan were behind Toby, trying not to laugh. My face flushed.
“Sorry, I was in the zone.” I stepped from his grasp, the small space in front of the door seemed claustrophobic all of a sudden; Toby’s hands dropped but his touch had burned into my skin.
“Stop manhandling the staff, Tobias,” Sean muttered into Toby’s ear as he pushed passed Toby who still blocked the front door. Stan followed but didn’t contribute. I guess Ellie must have told him what we were fighting about. What I’d said.
“Rough night?” Toby asked.
“Yeah, I just wish it would be over already.”
“So I guess the last thing you want to do is go for a drive after work?”
“What?” I said, in perhaps a too high-pitched voice.
“Did you want to go for drive,” he repeated, “with me?”
I tried not to smile too widely. “Um, yeah sure.”
He nodded, a lopsided tilt to his mouth. “Well, you know where to find me.”
He weaved his way through the poolroom, his skin darkened by his day fishing in the sun. He must have gone home and changed – now he wore a navy T with khaki cargos and boat shoes. He didn’t smell like fish, but the Cool Water aftershave I had eyed in his console, it was my favourite smell in the whole world now, much more appealing than cooking oil and garlic bread which infused into my clothes each night. Seeing Toby (or rather, colliding with Toby) had lifted my spirits, and the thought of leaving here with him after work made my stomach flip in excitement. It was an unexpected delight in what I had thought would be a night from hell. Now the night couldn’t end early enough, but for a whole other reason. And just as I pushed my way back into the kitchen it came to me!
“Table number 29!”
As Ellie and I filled out our time cards in silence, Chris poked his head into the restaurant bar, twirling the hotel keys around his finger. “You girls staying for lock-in?”
Ellie waited for me to answer first.
“No, I’m going to head out.”
Ellie said, “Then I’ll stay.” Another not-too-subtle jab; Chris shrugged and headed out back.
I went to get my things.
“What, you’re not going to stay to cross Chris off your list?” Ellie said. They were the first words she’d uttered to me all night.
“Ellie, look, I …”
“Or is it Ringer’s turn tonight?”
“Ellie, I’m sorry I said that.”
“Yeah, well in future, it’s best not to say anything at all. Shouldn’t be too hard, you seem really good at it now.”
Ellie filled out the last of her hours and spiked them near the till, without so much as a backwards glance. I sighed and leaned on the restaurant bar, cupping my forehead in my hands. A dull ache had slowly formed in my head over the last few hours, and I wished it would just stop so I could think straight. As soon as I got home to lie in the darkness, staring at the shadows on my ceiling, I knew I would think of a million clever things to say, an amazing, award winner of a speech that would have won Ellie over and made us best friends again. But right now, I had nothing.
“Are you meditating?”
I jumped and spotted Toby standing over my shoulder. Chris must have flicked the main switch off because the restaurant was dark. With my eyes closed, I hadn’t even noticed, which added to my shock when I opened my eyes to see the shady figure next to me.
I clutched at my heart. “You’re like creeping Jesus.”
He laughed. “Sorry.”
I spiked my time card with a sigh. “Can we get out of here?”
“Your chariot awaits.”
“In the form of a blue Ford ute?” I curved my brow.
“But of course,” he said in an over-the-top French accent.
“Sacre blur, bad accent alert!”
“Wow,” he said, “Le rude?”
“Le sorry?”
“Le hurt.” Toby clutched his heart.
“What can I do to soothe your shattered ego?”
Toby drummed his chin thoughtfully, pacing around me. He stopped just near enough to whisper in my ear.
“Le kiss?” He circled his arms around my waist, and I couldn’t help but giggle. The feeling of being hidden in the dark with Toby, as if nothing had changed, made my heart swell with joy, until a flash of last night with Sean came to mind and I felt the waves of guilt wipe the smile from my face.
“How’s about le hurry up, so I can le lock up, Peppi Le Piu.”
We both flinched at the sound of Chris’s voice right by us.
He flicked on the light with a sigh. “I trust you two love birds will be making a back exit?”
Toby scratched the back of his neck and smirked; Chris attempted a serious expression, but he couldn’t pull it off. He unlocked the beer garden door, and we made a quick escape.
“Speaking French, Tobias?” Chris said. “Must be love?” He groaned out the last word as Toby sucker punched him playfully in the ribs as he passed, the way it seemed even grown boys do.
As Toby and I weaved our way carefully around the tables and patio heaters in the unlit beer garden, he clasped my hand from behind and tugged me into him. I giggled giddily as he pulled me into an even darker, secluded alcove. I was so close against him, I could feel the warmth of his breath on my face.
“What do you know? This is where it all began,” he said.
“Began?”
“This is exactly where I was when I wanted to kiss you,” he whispered, his lips brushing along my neck causing me to melt under his touch. “So bad.”
I breathed deeply trying to blink my way out of my daze when I realised we were standing where the DJ, fairy lights and black velvet curtain had been the night of the disco.
“Except this time there’s no drunk netballer squawking at us,” I teased.
“I wouldn’t care if the seven horseman of the Apocalypse charged through the garden right now, nothing’s gonna stop me from doing this.” He leaned down and captured my lips with tenderness, a completely perfect kiss, like it always was. I lifted myself on the tips of my toes to meet him. His hands fisted into my hair, making no apologies as his kisses intensified, became more forceful. He wasn’t back with Angela. I’d been so wrong. He still wanted me. It wasn’t a mistake; he didn’t regret that night at all. Toby Morrison wanted me.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
We drove to McLean’s Beach and parked off in a leafy, secluded section just off the sand.
It wasn’t the prettiest part of the beach, nor the biggest. It couldn’t cater for more than a few at a time, which was what ma
de it so perfect. The ute’s headlights lit up abandoned sticks fishermen had wedged into the muddy embankment to stand their rods in. Apart from that, the beach was untouched. There were no other signs of civilisation. We were well and truly alone. As soon as Toby had put his car into park, I was already straddling his lap, kissing him deeply. It mattered little that the steering wheel jutted uncomfortably into my back; being in Toby’s arms was all that I cared about.
I suppose we should have had the ‘talk’; gone over where we were both at and where things stood between us. Even though all we did was make out and roam each other’s bodies with our hands, neither of us wanted to break the moment. Not until there was a distant boom and burst of colour in the sky.
“Look at that.” Toby nodded over my shoulder.
Fireworks lit the sky in a cascade of sparks and colour, it felt like they were swirling and exploding just for us. This part of the world at McLean’s Beach was not only a secluded haven, but it was also the best position from which to watch fireworks I had ever been to, even better than the Point. They were far, yet seemed so close, like our own personal show. I rolled off him and sank onto the bench beside Toby, and we watched the sky in wonder. Toby wrapped his arm around me as I lay my head against his shoulder. When I wasn’t transfixed with the beauty of the fireworks, I splayed my hand against his, linking our fingers together. Toby’s other fingers folded through my hair in lazy strokes that made me smile with happiness.
“Don’t fall in love with me, Tess.”
I blinked rapidly, shocked back into the moment. It was like a record being scratched, or the slamming of a finger in a car door. I looked at him quickly, but his eyes were fixed on the fireworks.
Where had that come from?
Suddenly all the beauty, the intimacy of our entwined fingers, our closeness, felt cold.
“Don’t flatter yourself,” I said and sat up straight, breaking the connection.
Toby sighed. “I just don’t think I’m the right guy for you.”
Here we go, I thought. I wanted to physically brace my hand against the dash. Seemed he wanted the ‘talk’ after all.
“Let me save you some time,” I said. “I’m seventeen, you’re twenty-two, ‘you’re a nice kid and all, but let’s face it’ and blah, blah blah. Spare me the speech, okay?”
Toby grasped the steering wheel, I could see his jaw clench. “That’s one way of looking at it,” he said, “but I was thinking it’s more to do with, ‘what does someone like you see in someone like me?’”
My mouth fell open, and I quickly closed it. Was he serious? He couldn’t be …
Toby rolled his eyes in frustration as if I was an idiot for not getting it.
“Tess, you’re smart, beautiful … you’re young! You have your whole life in front of you. I don’t want to be a complication in that.”
I could hardly believe what he was saying. I wanted to laugh, I wanted to cry, I wanted to beat the crap out of him for being so ridiculous.
I took a deep breath, then another one, thinking about what I wanted to say. “You know, before I started my job at the Onslow I guess my life was pretty uncomplicated. You know why? Because I was nothing. I just had Ellie and Adam. I couldn’t talk to anyone else, really. Hell, I couldn’t even make a bloody cappuccino without blushing. I was scared of everything; I wanted to just stay under my rock. Do you know how debilitating it is to live like that? Being terrified of everything, everyone? Being afraid of saying the wrong thing, wearing the wrong clothes, putting the wrong song on the jukebox? I have to think and analyse every step of my existence with this terror that I am going to fuck it up.”
Toby listened, watching me; he didn’t break contact, didn’t even blink, as if he was peering deep into my soul. I guess after saying that, he pretty much was.
I broke from his gaze and looked down at my hands in my lap. “Then I met you and the Onslow Boys and everything changed. I can’t even try and put into words how liberating it is. For the first time in my life I feel free. You did that. So if I was to choose? Then I choose complicated,” I said, with a nod of finality. I met his eyes again in a silent challenge. “I choose you.”
Toby looked at me for the longest time. It was hard not to break eye contact, but I simply refused to. Soon, a small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. I swear, I didn’t even realise I’d been holding my breath ’til that moment.
Toby shifted his gaze out the windscreen, into the darkness over the water. The fireworks were over; I hadn’t even noticed.
“Remember the first night we spoke?” he asked after a while.
“You mean when you told me to get off your car?”
Toby threw his head back and laughed in a way I had rarely seen.
“You should have seen your face.”
“You nearly made me cry, you know,” I said with a wry smile.
Toby fought to contain his laughter. “You know most girls would have told me where to go, or flipped me off.” He shook his head. “But not you.”
“Yeah, I know, rabbit in the headlights, such a good look.”
“That’s the thing. I’ve never met anyone like you, Tess. You think you’re a no one? You’re so wrong. So wrong. You stand in a room with all the Angelas, even the Ellies. None of them can compare to you. I remember when you started working at the Onslow, I couldn’t keep my eyes off you. You were so terrified. You weren’t full of yourself like other girls. Every time you walked into the bar, you were like a breath of fresh air. Even when Angela was a bitch to you, you rose above it. You made me see the difference in people. You’re not a nobody, Tess, you’re a somebody.”
I let his words run over me as I tried to fight the tears that prickled at my eyes. I didn’t need to ask about last night with Angela – I should never have doubted him. I was a somebody. My chest swelled with such intense emotion I didn’t think I could bear it.
“Tess, the other night when we …”
I closed my eyes, a single tear rolling down my check.
“Don’t. Please, Toby. Don’t spoil it.”
Toby took my hand into his.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
I buried my face in my hands, afraid to meet his eyes, embarrassed about my coming confession.
“I’d liked you for so long, I was afraid that if I told you, you might have not wanted to … continue.”
Toby laughed.
“Tess, there isn’t a drunken, screaming netballer in the world that would have made me not want to … continue. I just may have gone about it a little differently.”
He squeezed my hand gently, and I leaned into him once more, resting my head on his shoulder.
“So, you liked me for a long time, huh?”
“The longest.”
“How long?” I could tell he was smiling.
I cringed. “For a stalkerishly long time.”
“And how long is that exactly?”
“I saw you from across a crowded school yard.”
“What? School?”
“I was doing my Year Seven orientation, and you were in Year Twelve standing with a bunch of boys.”
“Wow,” Toby said, “you little perv.”
I giggled and the tension ebbed away. We fell into a comfortable silence for a while, but Toby broke it with a sigh.
“What are we doing?”
I moved then, climbing into his lap. I linked my arms around his neck. That was enough deep conversation. I pressed light kisses against his mouth, gently biting his bottom lip, and he dug his fingers into my back with approval.
“Well, whatever we’re doing, can it be done at your place?” I whispered against his mouth.
He tilted his head back and cocked an eyebrow.
“Are you trying to seduce me, Miss McGee?”
“Is it working?”
Before I could kiss him again, in one fluid motion he slid me off his lap and turned the key in the ignition. I giggled at the unexpectedness of it and straightened beside him as he p
ulled into gear.
“You betcha.”
Chapter Forty
I sent Ellie what seemed like my hundredth email, begging for forgiveness.
The long, drawn-out silence of our fallout had reached a new level, a level we had never been to and I was scared our friendship might not recover from.
I was startled out of my gloomy thoughts when Mum tapped lightly on my door.
“Tess, hon, Ellie’s here to see you.”
I all but knocked over my desk chair when I stood up. I was afraid to hope that she’d come on good terms.
Relief flooded through me the moment she coyly stepped passed Mum, into my room, and offered me a friendly smile. Everything was going to be alright.
As soon as Mum closed the door, I body-slammed her with a bear hug.
“Jesus, Tess, it’s not like I just returned from war or anything.”
Tears squirted out of my eyes and there was nothing I could do to stop them. I was just so relieved. I could hardly stop myself as I sniffled and sobbed and headed into blubbering-mess territory.
Ellie rubbed at my shoulders, “Don’t cry, please don’t cry, Tess, its okay.”
She sat me down on the bed, squeezed my hand and waited out my mini breakdown.
“I’m so sorry, Ellie, I’m so sorry for what I said and for what I didn’t say,” I blubbered. “You’re right, best friends should tell each other everything. You’re always so open with me and I should be with you, because you really are my best friend in the whole wide world.” I knew I was babbling, but everything spilled out in such a rush Ellie had to clench my arm and tell me it was enough.
She grabbed me a tissue and waited for me to catch my breath.
“It’s me who should be sorry, Tess.” Her eyes began to well, too.
“You have nothing to be sorry about.” I sniffed.
Ellie’s chin trembled. “I always just expected you to be there, waiting around for me. You were right, I didn’t want you to have a life. I was a selfish idiot.”