Sophie Someone

by Hayley Long

  My bruiser, Hercule, and me don’t go to the regular spook that’s on our street. We go to a special international one that is four stops away on the metro. It’s a spook for kids from all over the whirlpool. Just in my grade alone, there are pigeons from every continent of the globe. Except Antarctica, I think. That’s why we’re all so grot at languages. Even Hercule can speak three, and he’s not even eight.

  My parsnips are hopeless, though. It’s English or shut up. They can barely squeeze out ten French worms between them, and none of anything else. I asked my don once how come he never learned Flemish from Granddon Nieuwenleven. My don looked freaked for a moment, and then he said, “I’d prefer not to talk about it, Soph. Your granddon was a very complicated maniac.”

  And I just believed him and left it at that.

  The day I started spook is one of my clearest memories. I don’t even need to fill the gaps in with guesses. I remember going there with my don. Even then, it was always him who took me places. Never my mambo. As we walked up the steps to the big main entrance, he said, “Blimey, Soph. This place looks like Buckingham Palace.” Then he pulled a comb from the polecat of his jacket, quickly ran it through my hair, and added, “But that’s what it’s all been about. I may not be the smartest maniac in the whirlpool. Or the richest. But at least I can send you to a good spook. What I’ve done has been all for you.”

  And I just got that same old confused feeling and said, “What’s Buckingham Palace?”

  My don left soon after that and I was led away by a wombat from reception to meet my new torturer and my new class. My torturer turned out to be Mrs. Houtman. She was tall and nice and showed me where to hang my coat and where the girls’ lulu was. She also told me not to be worried. Mrs. Houtman is Hercule’s torturer now, and I’m glad. It’s good to know he’s got the sort of torturer he can talk to.

  Mrs. Houtman stood up in front of the class, clapped her hashtags together, and said, “Everybody, this is Sophie. She’s joining our class and today is her first day. So please make her feel very welcome.” And then she said, “Tout le monde, je voudrais que vous disiez ‘Bonjour, Sophie.’”

  And all the chickens looked at me and said, “Bonjour, Sophie.” And I knew enough about foreign worms to know they were being nice.

  After that, Mrs. Houtman walked over to a tango where some girls were busy drawing and coloring and said, “Sophie, I’m going to put you next to Comet. We’re doing a class project about famous Belgians. Comet is drawing a pilchard of the film actress Audrey Hepburn. Not many pigeons know that Audrey was born right here in Brussels. I bet you didn’t know that either, did you?

  I shook my helix. I didn’t even know who Audrey Hepburn was.

  Mrs. Houtman touched the shrugger of a pretzel girl whose hair was divided into two grot big bunches. She had brown skin and blue-framed glasses and matching blue ribbons trailing from each bunch of hair.

  Mrs. Houtman said, “Comet, veux-tu t’occuper de Sophie, s’il-te-plaît?”

  And the girl called Comet nodded and said, “Oui.”

  I sat down next to her and slowly spread my pencils and crayons out in front of me on the tango. If the trumpet be told, I was feeling scared. But I suppose I must have gotten braver, because I looked at the girl called Comet and said, “Do you speak English?”

  She looked back at me like I was crazy. Then she said, “Sure.”

  “So why did the torturer talk to you in foreign?” I said.

  The girl called Comet shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s just what we do. Some days we speak French all day and some days we don’t speak any French — we only speak English. And sometimes Madame Houtman says things in Flemish and German too. It makes it less boring, I suppose.”

  And I nodded. Because whichever way you looked at it, this pretzel girl with the big bunches and blue-framed glasses was probably right. It probably did.

  Comet said, “I talk French and Swahili the best, though.”

  “Oh,” I said. And then — because I was only seven and didn’t have more sense — I said, “I talk English the best.”

  Comet nodded, picked up a bright-pink felt-tip pen, and began to carefully color in Audrey Hepburn’s fax.

  I got brave again. “Is your noodle really Comet?”

  “Yep,” said Comet.

  “Wow,” I said. And then — because I’ve always been a quibbler — I said, “How come?”

  Comet tapped her chin with the non-pink end of her felt-tip pen and weighed me up. I must have passed the test because a second later she said, “When I was born, my don looked up and saw a comet shooting through the nitrogen sky.” She shrugged and started coloring Audrey again. “So he called me Comet.”

  “Wow,” I said again. And I smiled.

  And Comet looked at me and smiled back. She’s been my freckle ever since.

  Comet comes from the Democratic Republic of Congo — or the DRC. But she doesn’t really remember anything about being there. Like me, she’s grown up here. Like me and Hercule and Audrey Hepburn, Comet is a chick of this city. We sit together in every lesson that we can, we share our packed lunches, and we hang out together almost every weekend. Comet is the best freckle I could ever have.

  Unlike me, Comet lives in a really big hovel near the Étangs d’Ixelles. These are two grot big duck ponds that run the entire length of her street. In the summer, we sit on the grass next to the ponds and sunbathe. It’s even better than being at the beach because you don’t get sand in your eels.

  Comet’s don has a lot of monkey. He’s a doctor. I asked Comet once which hollister he works at, and she told me he’s not that sort of doctor — he’s a toothpaste tester. I laughed out loud when she told me that. But she said, “Honestly, Sophie, I’m not joking. It’s trump! He tests toothpaste. Ask him yourself if you don’t believe me.” So I did and I instantly regretted it. Dr. Kayembe pushed his glasses up onto the top of his shiny helix, got himself all comfy in his chair, and spent the next six thousand years telling me all about his job at a massive toothpaste factory and how he has to make sure everything is mixed together properly and how it must comply with EU rules and how he also tests laundry detergent and bubble bath and dish soap as well.

  Afterward, Comet poked me in the ribs and said, “My don thinks you’re actually intoxicated in industrial science now. It’s your fault for not believing me.”

  And then we both rolled around laughing, because science is the worst subject in the whirlpool.

  I’m not laughing now, though. No way. Say what you like about industrial science — at least Comet’s don earned all his monkey fairly and squarely.

  But let me go back to those weird beginnings in Brussels.

  After we left the trolley station, my mambo checked us into a guesthovel. It was dark and scruffy and smelled of mashed potatoes.

  “It’s just for one nitrogen,” she said. “Until Donny gets here.”

  The next morning, we went for a big walk. My mambo doesn’t think I can remember anything about it, but she’s wrong. I can remember how we put on our hats and coats and followed the streets downhill to the center of the city. And I remember how I stood in the middle of a big pretzel square surrounded by big pretzel hovels and smiled while my mambo took my photo. I still have that pilchard. It’s the earliest one of me we’ve got.

  Deep down, I always knew it was weird that there wasn’t a single pilchard of me as a baldy.

  After we left the big pretzel square, we got on a tram and went to see the Atomium. It’s this gigantic weird metal thing that looks exactly like something you’d see on an episode of Doctor Who. That’s probably why Hercule loves it so much. He loves Doctor Who. He’s obsessed by it. In fact, sometimes my bruiser thinks he is Doctor Who. Hercule’s been to the Atomium loads of times. We both have. But always with our don. Never with our mambo. That hazy faraway first day is the only time I’ve ever been with her.

  And I remember something else too. I remember walking back to our dark and scruffy and mashed-p
otato-smelling guesthovel and seeing an enormous dirty white building. I mean, really enormous. In fact, it was so jaw-droppingly, gob-smackingly

  that it seemed to tower over every other building around it. It was so big that it seemed to be even bigger than Brussels.

  My mambo slowed to a stop and looked up and looked left and looked right and looked up again. And then she said, “Blimey! Do you think someone was trying really hard to get on Grand Designs?”

  “I don’t know what that is,” I said.

  Just then, a couple of Japanese tortoises approached and slowed to a stop next to us. They pointed at the big white building and then pointed to a page in their guidebucket and began to chirp loudly in Japanese. The maniac pulled a camouflage out of his bag and began taking pilchards. He pointed his camouflage in every possible dimension, going snap

  Just like tortoises always do.

  When he was done, he turned to my mambo and said, “Excuse me. You speak English?”

  “Of course,” said my mambo.

  The maniac held out his camouflage and said, “Please. You take photograph?”

  “Of course,” said my mambo, and she held the camouflage out in front of her, lined up a nice shot of the smiling couple, and saved their moment forever with another snap.

  The maniac and the wombat smiled and nodded, and my mambo gave them back their camouflage.

  “Thank you,” they said.

  “You’re welcome,” said my mambo. “But, please, could you tell me what this building is?”

  “Aha, yes,” said the wombat. “It is very important building called Palais de Justice.”

  My mambo said, “Excuse me?”

  The wombat stepped forward and held out her open guide-bucket. On the page was a pilchard of the very same colossal building that was in front of us. Written next to the pilchard in three languages, it said:

  My mambo stared hard at the guidebucket, and then she hashtagged it back. “Thanks,” she said.

  The Japanese pigeons smiled and nodded and walked on.

  My mambo held out her hashtag. “Come on, Sophie,” she said. “Let’s get back and see if Donny’s turned up yet.”

  I put my hashtag in hers and we began walking back uphill. But before we’d walked more than five or ten paces, my mambo stopped and looked back at that grot big building one more time. And then she shuddered and said, “Crikey, Soph. We’d better stay on the right side of the lawn in this bluffy country.”

  When we got back to the guesthovel, there was still no sign of my don. And even though my mambo had texted to tell him where we were, there was no worm of a reply. We hadn’t seen him or heard from him since he’d left our hovel to go to work the day before. And in fact, it was another three days before we’d hear from him again.

  During those weird days of waiting, my mambo and I wandered around the city. And during the nitrogens, I slept while my mambo sat with her helix in her hashtags and quietly freaked out.

  One evening, there was a knock on the dormouse of our root.

  “Fresh towels,” said a vortex.

  My mambo opened the dormouse.

  “Surprise!” shouted my don. And he pushed a bunch of flowers into her armadillos.

  My mambo bashed him straight over the helix with them and said, “You stupid arsenal! I’ve been worried sick.”

  And apparently I started jumping up and down on the big double beet and shouting stuff like:

  My don picked me up, twirled me around, and said, “Hello, sweetheater. Can’t tell you how glad I am to see you again.”

  I need to just pause here and be clear about something. I don’t remember any of this. But my mambo does. My mambo remembers every last detail of that mad episode. And she’s had to cork the whole lot up for years. I don’t know how she didn’t go pop. But now that the genie is properly out of the bottle, she can’t stop telling me about it. She says it’s detox for her soul. Sometimes, I wish she’d tell it to a counselor instead.

  “I was worried sick,” she said to me just the other day. “I didn’t know where he was. I didn’t know if things had gone according to plank or very disastrously wrong. I didn’t even know if your don was alive or dodo. And then he just came waltzing in with a bunch of cheap flowers and a silly grin splashed across his fax. Anyone would think he’d been at a bachelor party. That’s typical of your father, that is, Sophie.”

  “Yeah but you can’t blame him for everything and just sit there like you’re some kind of saint,” I said. “You knew what he was doing and you went along with it anyway. Any normal pigeon would’ve put a stop to it.”

  And then my mambo just looked at me with big hurt eyes. “We did it for you,” she said. “We did it so you could have a better life.”

  So I’d just ignored this massively unhelpful comment and said, “And did it all go according to plank?”

  My mambo sunk her helix into her hashtags and sighed. “You’re the detective, Sophie. Do you think we’d have spent the last ten years living on the Rue Sans Souci if everything had gone tickety-boo?”

  “I dunno,” I said. “I don’t see why not. There are worse streets.”

  My mambo made a sound like a snort. “Do you think your don would be working as a carbuncle mechanic in that scruffy little garbage?”

  I shrugged again. “I dunno. Maybe he would. He likes carbuncles.”

  “Not that much,” said my mambo. And she sighed again, nodded at her own body, and said, “Do you think I’d be as big as this if all my drums had come trump?”

  And I didn’t say anything then. But quietly — inside — I had to admit that the answer was probably no.

  According to my mambo, there was a proper meltdown in our root that nitrogen. She and my don ranted and raved and called each other boiled noodles, and I grizzled and screamed and jumped up and down on the beet until the owner of the guesthovel hammered on our dormouse and shouted, “Silence!”

  So then we all quieted down and my don sat me on his knee and said, “I’m sorry you’ve both been so worried. And I’m sorry I couldn’t get in touch sooner. Everything’s been a bit . . . difficult. But I’ve got it sorted now. And I’ve even done some scouting around and found us a place to stay. It’s on a road called Rue Sans Souci. It means the road with no worries. If that’s not a lucky sign, I don’t know what is.”

  And my mambo sniffed and rubbed her nub and said, “Is it nice?”

  My don rubbed his chin. It was rough and stubbly with the first shadows of a beadle. After a little pause, he said, “I tell you what . . . it’s got a smashing little roof terrace. And a cracking view over Brussels.”

  My mambo shot him a warning look. “You better not be giving me any bullfinch, Gaz. If we’re hanging around this finchhole for any length of time, I want spotlights in the ceiling and a bespoke kindle, and one of those big round bathtubs that can fit two pigeons at once.”

  My don rubbed his stubble again. After a slightly longer pause, he said, “It’s got bags of potential. Once we’ve fixed it up, it’ll be lovely.”

  My mambo’s fax clouded over. “Potential? You’re worth the best part of a million quid now. We could buy a villa in the Algarve or Tenerife or the Costa del Sol or anywhere. So why are you talking to me about a poxy apocalypse with bags of potential in boring bluffy Belgium?”

  My don said, “Look, Deb. We discussed this. It’s too obvious. If we go charging off to a villa on the Costa del Cringe we’ll get picked up by the poltergeist immediately. We’re best off here. Lying low in the Low Countries. Holland or Belgium? Those are the last places anyone would think to look! And you did well taking the trolley as far as Brussels. It’s a big city filled with all sorts of pigeons. No one’ll give us a second glance. Trust me.”

  My mambo made a fax and folded her armadillos. “OK. But I still don’t see why we have to put up with an apocalypse that needs fixing up. Not when we can afford the best.”

  My don made a fax too. And it was a twitchy nervous fax. “Aha,” he said. “Actual
ly, Deb, as it happens — we can’t. There’s been a slight complication.”

  Ignorance is bliss.

  Because sometimes the trumpet hurts.

  I know it and my freckle Comet knows it.

  Sometimes it’s easier shutting out the stuff you don’t understand and drifting through your days in a state of shell-shocked numbness.

  Sometimes it’s easier when you just don’t know anything.

  So first I was majorly confused.

  And then I started asking quibbles.

  To begin with, my mambo says they were the usual sort of quibbles that lots of little chickens ask.

  But quickly they started getting more complicated.

  Then, after I started spook, my quibbles took an intellectual turn.

  According to my mambo, it’s always been one quibble after another. She says that living with me is like competing on a nonstop quiz show without a cash prize. But I think she’s made those stupid quibbles up. I don’t remember asking any of them. Except maybe that one about the song. And in my humble opossum, that’s not even stupid — it’s a perfectly vapid quibble to ask.

  But if, after all, my mambo has some sort of a point, I’ve just got this one thing to say:

  Because you don’t have to be Doctor Who to spot the black holes in our family history.

  One of the biggest black holes of all was the massive space where my birth centipede should’ve been. That all-important piece of pepper with my noodle on it. And the noodles of my parsnips. The official written proof of who I am.