by Leanne Davis
General Bains was so quiet, a pin dropping would have made an echo. “She wasn’t supposed to be raped.”
Will let out his breath with a sigh. He was right. He was playing Russian Roulette with the general, and never thought Bains would cave to him. Never.
“Then what?”
“Scared straight was the goal, and the purpose. She went too far. The sex tape made a joke of the military. She was ruining everything. I had to do something.”
“What happened then?”
“She disappeared. I finally tracked down where they took her. But they wanted more money, so much more than we originally agreed on. I didn’t know that was going to happen to her. I didn’t know they’d, do... what they did to her.”
“You didn’t even care.”
“I didn’t know how to change it. If it ever came out, it would ruin me.”
“What about her?”
“She brought it all on herself. She was and is impossible.”
“You wanted her saved though?”
“I’m not a monster.”
Will stared at the general in astonishment. The only part Will believed was that the general thought he wasn’t a monster.
“You’re done with Jessie. I mean it. You’ll never contact her again. You’ll never do another thing to harm her. If you do, I will destroy your career, your reputation, your entire life, and send you to prison, where you belong. Fuck with Jessie or me, and I’ll make sure you’ll get so fucked, you’ll finally know what Jessie went through.”
General Bains stood up. “You can’t do anything to me.”
Will smiled. Clicking off his phone, he raised it and showed the gun he had unsheathed in case the general attempted to take the recording. “I can do anything I want to. I own you now.”
His stunned face grew more serious. “You don’t have the money trail. You have nothing.”
“I have the truth. The truth, sir, is on my side.”
The general fell into his chair. His face turned gray, and his eyes seemed to age years before Will. “And Lindsey? She... she knows?”
“Nothing. Nothing real, that is. Jessie wanted to spare her the pain she lives with daily. Good luck, however, getting Lindsey to ever forgive you for how little help you gave to Jessie. Lindsey’s eyes are wide open, sir.”
“What are you going to do?”
“My job.”
The general stared. “Meaning?”
“Meaning just that. Never contact Jessie again and you’ll never hear from me again.”
The general took a breath before a smile crept onto his face. “Because you don’t want Jessie’s name drug through the shit again, do you? You’re just as stuck with this information as you were before. You can’t reveal it, anymore then I want it revealed.”
“Oh, I can and I will. Jessie didn’t do anything to deserve it. But I would do it. I would love to do it. The only reason I won’t? Your daughter doesn’t deserve that.”
“Lindsey?”
The general’s Achilles heel. He had actual affection for Lindsey and she seemed to be the only one that evoked a sense of accountability.“Yes, Lindsey. So are we agreed?”
The general was quiet for a long while before he finally nodded. Will accepted it and turned to leave. He hoped the general bought it, because the general was correct. There was no way he could ever drag Jessie through the courts to expose her father. Never. He would never do that to her. So he had to hope the general would let Jessie go because he didn’t want to lose whatever was left of his relationship with Lindsey. Despite his faults and despicability, he loved Lindsey.
Will hoped that Lindsey loved her sister more. He was counting on it.
Will departed that night for the first of several deployments. His heart was heavy, sad, and almost as broken as he feared Jessie’s would always remain.
Chapter Twenty-One
Ellensburg, Washington
Two years passed before Jessie finally began to start healing her wounds. She was in therapy, learning how to deal with depression, as well as deeper psychological issues. In that time, the baby was born, full term, and as healthy and beautiful as any mother would yearn for. Jessie gave her up for adoption two days after she was born. She hadn’t seen the baby since.
After breaking down the day Gretchen came to town, Jessie began the long, slow, laborious process of figuring out how to live the rest of her life, with the knowledge of what happened to her. She hadn’t seen Will since that day.
She wrote to him, however, and sent the letters to Will’s best friend, Tony Lindstrom, who then forwarded them to Will under his own handwriting. That way, the general never knew it was Jessie writing them. None of Tony’s letters ever got lost.
Will didn’t write back very often. Once in a while, he would send her a short, concise, but polite e-mail. She didn’t respond to those. She wrote long, detailed, confessional letters that illustrated the stain of her entire life. She told him everything. She mailed them to Tony and as they disappeared into the abyss, she felt like she was banishing the memories themselves. She never really knew if Will even read them.
Lindsey and Gretchen took her out of North Carolina within an hour of Will leaving. And she finally had a support system that cared if she lived or died. She and Lindsey continued to phone, write, and e-mail each other weekly. They were, for the first time in their lives, sisters. And it helped. It made it easier for Jessie to balance the demons in her head, knowing the love her sister had for her. Lindsey stayed with Jessie for weeks, and then visited any chance she could get leave. Jessie was forever indebted to her sister and what she did for her. Her unconditional love meant everything to Jessie. Lindsey got married a year later, to a soldier, of course, who was serving in the Middle East.
So Jessie began her new life in Eastern Washington state. Will’s friends were a couple in their early thirties, named Ronny and Melinda Clapsmith. When Jessie arrived to meet them, she was no more than a ghost of the girl she used to be, and nothing of the woman she intended to become. Instead, she was a walking zombie. A fat, pregnant girl who hid from the world, and only came out twice weekly for therapy sessions at the hospital, a good thirty miles away. Jessie took her therapy as seriously as other girls her age regarded their college studies, or career choices. Jessie’s days were spent trying to figure out how to get through them without taking any sharp objects to her skin. Her benchmark of success? Whenever she went several days without cutting.
And eventually, it worked. She quit cutting herself as she learned new ways to deal with the pain inside of her that were more constructive. That deep, dark shameful pain required another two years of talking about it, facing it, and finally, releasing it.
Her new home was a ranch a few miles outside of Ellensburg, Washington. She hated it at first, because it was so different from any place she’d ever been. The weather was extreme. Freezing snow in the winter, oppressive heat in the summer. The people were also different. Small town different. And there was little military presence. Ordinary people going about their ordinary lives. No soldiers parading around. No one to recognize her. She was anonymous. Unnoticed. And for the first time in her life, she let herself be. She wasn’t Jessie Bains anymore, she was simply Jessie Hendricks.
She thought about Will all the time. She even dreamt about him. She pictured him talking to her, holding her, saving her. Again and again, she relived the short time he was in her life. Again and again, she wondered why he left her life.
But deep down, she knew why: she could only destroy him. They both knew she wasn’t normal and never would be, which meant, he knew she wasn’t worth saving.
Inevitably, the time would come to divorce Will. Let him have his life back. He sacrificed enough of his life already to her. She petitioned the court for a divorce, thinking that Will would be happy to see she was ready, for once, to take care of herself.
It devastated Jessie all over again when she thought about never seeing Will again. So she thought about him receiving her
divorce petition and signing it, while sighing with relief. Finally, he would know his debt was paid to her. At least, that’s how she hoped he’d see it. He’d be free to resume his life, and she’d be out of it. He could finally have the freedom to find someone he could love for real. Someone who was already whole and giving. Someone lovely and kind. Someone who didn’t need him to marry her because she couldn’t stop her father’s abuse.
Then, one day, Jessie looked up and there stood Will.
****
“So you want a divorce, do you, Ms. Bains?”
Jessie’s mouth hung open in shock. She couldn’t move or breathe. There was Will, standing right in front of her. His body, his voice, his smile, but it didn’t compute.
“Will?”
“Last I checked. Did you forget what I looked like or something? Why are you staring at me like that?”
“It’s been two years.”
“I know how long it’s been.”
Tears burst from her eyes. She hadn’t heard his soothing voice in years, although she remembered it every day: kind, calming, and always decent to her. So decent. Always trying to do the best for her, knowing that before him, no one had ever been decent to her.
She set down the brush she was using to brush one of the Clapsmiths’ horses. Their ranch had both cattle and horses, but Jessie chose to spend her time with the horses not long after she started living there. The horses were so pretty, and so fascinating. Never judgmental. As long as she respected them and understood their cues, all the horses loved her. She started riding shortly after she had the baby.
“Will?” Was she seeing things? Getting delusional? Or simply manifesting his image because she so wished he were there? He could not be here. Not at three-thirty, on an ordinary Tuesday afternoon, and nearly two years since she last saw him.
Standing not twenty feet from her, he filled the opening of the Clapsmiths’ barn. He wore jeans, a t-shirt, and a dark jacket. His hands were in his pockets, and his blond hair shimmered in the sunlight. Some of the shadows nearly blocked him out, but she could see he was watching her.
Stepping back from the horse she was grooming, she felt appalled for him to see her now. This wasn’t how she wanted their reunion. She was dirty and dusty from a long ride. Her jeans were worn and faded, and her sweatshirt, unflattering and lumpy. Her unbrushed hair was flattened under a hat and dirty, but worst of all, she was fat.
She always intended to lose the weight before she ever saw Will again. Somehow, someway she would shed the forty pounds she gained after Will last saw her, and since having the baby and starting therapy. She stepped back, but Will kept coming closer. He witnessed her every way there was to see her, but never fat.
He stepped into the barn and the cool, dusty interior where the shadows and sunlight played. Coming closer to her, he ran his hand along the beautiful mare she was brushing, and stopped before her. Barely a foot separated them. Will was here, looking at her after all this time. After all the miles, and all the pain. Will was standing right here before her.
She started to turn, feeling ashamed. She couldn’t face him. After everything she’d ever done to him, she couldn’t face him fat.
He looked the same, except better. Wherever he was he must’ve been in the sun. His face was tanned, and his blond hair shined even lighter. His brown eyes moved over her. He was taller than she remembered, and more muscular. She liked that he was out of uniform, wearing jeans.
“You found something to do, huh, Jessie? The horses? Ron says he can’t keep you away from them.”
She didn’t answer, because she couldn’t speak. She stepped back again.
He stepped closer and his hand came to her arm. “You don’t want to see me?”
“What are you doing here? Why did you come?”
“Seems my wife has petitioned for a divorce. Decided it was time I saw her.”
She pulled her Play-Doh arm from his fingers. “I was never your wife. I was your charity case. And believe me, I know I needed it. I could never repay you for everything you did for me. But I don’t need your help like I did. So obviously, it’s time to get divorced. Move on.”
“Why? Have you moved on?”
“Yes. I have.” She turned her head towards the horse’s mane, running a hand in the coarse hair that smelled of dirt, hay and horse. To her, it smelled like freedom.
“How did you manage to get away?”
“I saved it up. I have a month’s leave.”
A month. It seemed like a lifetime. “You should have called.”
“When? In the last two years? Or right before I came?”
“Both.”
“You didn’t need my calls. You needed what you got. Help. Space. Time.”
“You were right. I did. And now I’m much better.”
His eyes were on her. She could feel it. He missed nothing. She knew that about him. He never missed any small detail, down to what color lipstick she wore. So there was little doubt he missed her size fourteen ass.
“I was hoping two years might be long enough to make a difference.”
“A difference for what? You to get your life back?”
“I don’t need it back. I wanted you to find yours.”
She nodded and smiled. “I have. Really. I’m doing great, as I’m sure the Clapsmiths have reported to you. I’m a lot better now.”
“Then why are you acting so weird?”
She kept backing up so she didn’t have to turn and show her rear end to him. She backed into the workbench. Clumsily, she set the brush down. She fumbled, doing nothing really, but pretending to have something to do.
He watched her. “Jessie?”
“I just didn’t expect you…. here today… or ever, really. I thought… I thought I wouldn’t see you. If I had known, I would have made myself a little more presentable.” And skinny. She would have starved herself to get skinny again.
“Do you still cut yourself?”
“What? Boy, you get right to it, huh? No, I don’t. I don’t cut myself anymore. Rest assured, crazy, slutty Jessie isn’t like that anymore. Just fat.” She transferred her way of coping to the consumption of chocolate. At least, chocolate didn’t hurt so much. She laughed as if it were a “no big deal,” funny joke. But it wasn’t.
He came closer to her.
She felt nervous with him and strange. She licked her lips. “You probably already heard that though, didn’t you? It was—”
He shut her up by simply leaning down and kissing her. She stood rooted to the spot, confused and not comprehending. Will was kissing her? Now? After all this time? Now when she was fat and smelly and not at all the sexy girl she once was?
His hands, big and calloused, cupped her face, as his lips moved onto hers, taking her heart away. They moved slowly, softly, and with heated bodies. He leaned back and looked into her eyes, no doubt, to see if there was any sign of crazy still there. Seemingly satisfied she wasn’t, he pulled her closer, and her body rested against his. His arms wrapped around her waist, and his mouth went over hers, but remained closed. She felt like melting right then and there at his feet. She couldn’t hold her legs up any longer.
His hands were on her waist, surrounding her, and he had to feel the rolls of her once taut stomach. He had to know she wasn’t the girl he once knew. But still, he wouldn’t stop kissing her.
He pulled away and looked into her eyes. She stared up confused and dazed, feeling completely inert. She had to be dreaming this.
“Your apartment is up those stairs, isn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“Put the horse away.”He continued to look directly in her eyes.
“I don’t understand.”
“Yes, you do.”
She turned and grabbed the lead rope, unknotting her slipknot. She led the horse into the blinding sunlight. Her legs still felt wobbly. She was shaken and almost giddy. Will stood and watched her. Why did he have to do that? Watching her walk into the bright daylight? She opened the gate to t
he pasture, and led the horse through before taking off the halter and letting the horse free. The mare ran off, kicking her hooves in delight as she ran to join a crowd of mares over the hill.
Jessie watched them and dreaded turning around to face Will. She didn’t know how to react, or how to face him. She couldn’t comprehend what was happening.
She straightened up when he walked closer, and leaned over the fence, looking towards the horses as she was.
“I’m not the same girl you remember.” She stared at the tips of her cowboy boots. He, of course, could only stare at her.
“That’s what I hoped.”
“I don’t sleep around anymore.”
“Even better.”
“I–I’m not even sure I can remember how to anymore.”
“Is that what you think? I’m copping a feel from you because I think I can? Jessie, it’s me. It’s Will. There isn’t anything I don’t know. Or would ever expect from you. I am here only because of you. I’ve waited a long time before I could come to you.”
Tears welled up in her eyes. She stared harder at the horses in the meadow below while the blinding sunshine enhanced the blue sky. The pines towering above her looked sharp and shone against the sapphire sky.
“You were waiting for me?”
“What did you think I was doing all this time? Why do you think I stayed away?”
“Because you couldn’t stand me?”
“I could. I could stand you. But I had to make sure you could stand yourself first. What is it? Why don’t you want me here now?”
“I got fat.”
He didn’t speak, but looked down at her. “My God! You don’t want me here because you think I care how you look? I once carried you out of a room, naked and broken. I repeatedly bandaged up where you cut yourself. All I ever wanted to do, Jessie, was look into your eyes and have you look back at me like you just did. Normal. Clear-eyed. Healthy. You think I fucking care if you weigh hundred pounds or two tons? All I wanted was for you not to be broken anymore. Not to cut yourself anymore. Not to think of rape when I kissed you. That’s what I wanted. That’s all I cared about.”