by Leanne Davis
“You say that now. But—”
“But what? You think I’ll run? You haven’t forgotten our history, have you?”
She blushed. “It’s hard to forget.”
“I’d like to see where you’re staying.”
It was a studio apartment, with the bed on the far side of the room. She set up a living area in between, and the kitchen close to the door. It was brightly lit with natural light. She kept it soft, pretty, feminine, and clean. It wasn’t what he expected to find. Nothing about her anymore was what he expected.
“I smell like horses.”
“It’s a nice change from blood or sex.”
“I don’t know how to do this. I haven’t—”
“I wondered if you had. No hurry. No pressure. It’s me, you don’t have to pretend anything, or be anything. Just be here. With me. Take a shower, and relax. Then we’ll get dinner.”
“I thought—”
“You thought I’d sweep you up in here and not be able to contain myself? I’ve spent years containing myself for you. I can do it as long as you need me to.”
“Okay. I’m going to take a shower.”
“I don’t have to check it for razors first?”
“No. I only have an electric one.”
“That’s good. Real good, Ms. Bains.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Will sat basking in the late afternoon sunlight of Jessie’s small deck. Before him lay a view of endless meadows with horses grazing, and pine trees dotting the land. Mountains, big and brown, surrounded the valley and continued towards the horizon. He sat down at the small bistro table he found there, resting his legs on the railing. He sipped a beer he’d taken from her refrigerator, and breathed in the fresh, spicy, pine-scented air. He closed his eyes to enjoy the warm sunlight on his face. It was so peaceful, and so opposite from anything he experienced in the past two years, or around Jessie.
Jessie looked so beautiful, he wanted to watch her longer than the few moments he had in the barn before she saw him there. She moved with newfound confidence, bringing the horse to the lead rope, taking off the saddle, moving into the tack room, back and forth. She started brushing the horse’s sweaty back with long, powerful strokes. When was Jessie ever so confident? Or capable? When did Jessie ever work? When was Jessie ever well enough to look at him and not need something, anything, to keep her from being swallowed by whatever resided in her head?
Now, however, what Jessie had in her head weren’t the pathetic remnants of her tragedies and everything he experienced with her. This was new for him. Her embarrassment was only because she thought she was fat! He almost laughed out loud on the balcony. After all he’d seen and gone through with her, watched her do to herself, and to him and Lindsey, she actually thought her weight was something he would give a fuck about?
She was up and moving. She was living. She had a job. What more could she think he wanted for her? He spent those two years living through her recovery via her letters, and the phone calls from Lindsey and sometimes, even the Clapsmiths. He knew as much as he could from a distance that wouldn’t suffocate, limit, or inhibit her. He knew it all. Except how she felt about him. He knew she hated him for a long while, of that he was certain. Her letters contained some of the nastiest remarks he was sure anyone had ever said to him. No one could talk as dirty or mean as Jessie when she chose to.
But slowly, her tone began to change. As time went on, she became less angry, and the rage she couldn’t control became less apparent. She started talking more to him, rather than venting. She eventually told him everything she ever felt about everything that ever happened to her. It was just as bad as he expected, and the kind of stuff people often didn’t recover from. It often led women into bad relationships, working the streets, or getting lost in drugs.
Now, Jessie’s only lingering problem was her weight. He could deal with weight. He couldn’t deal with bathtubs filled with blood anymore, or random men in his bedroom. Pounds, and food, however, he could tolerate.
He looked up when he heard the clicking of the bathroom door. Jessie opened it and came out slowly. Her eyes searched the small apartment until she caught sight of him through the open door to the balcony. Shadows caused by the late afternoon sun moved across the wall and over her face. His heart stopped. She looked so... normal. Jessie Bains looked calm, rational, and normal.
She was wearing a long, flowing shirt with a jagged hemline and black pants. The shirt was pink with yellow designs. Her hair was brushed, and fell to her shoulders, the tousled look completely gone. In its place was a primmer version, less layers, and more pixie-like with a thick, straight wedge of bangs.
She looked classy and feminine, wearing clothes that Lindsey might dress in. It was a nice change from some of her older get-ups. Her makeup was soft and barely there. It was well done and enhanced her features instead of overwhelming them like she used to do. Maybe the raccoon eyes were over. She was now twenty-three years old. Sometimes, it startled Will how young she really was. She endured so much, saw so much, and was the victim of so much. She had her entire life now ahead of her. One she could finally claim and live.
Just where he fit into it, however, he couldn’t determine.
“You look pretty.”
He spoke from her balcony, and she seemed to flinch. “You’ve seen me a lot prettier.”
“I’ve seen you a lot worse too.”
She winced. “I’m not pretty anymore. Not like I was.”
“You’re better than you were. Don’t make me spell out why.”
She turned towards her small kitchen and he watched her. She called over her shoulder, “Do you want some wine?”
It was such a normal thing to do! Two adults sharing a bottle of wine on the terrace on a sun-drenched evening. It seemed so healthy. “Yeah, I’ll have some.”
He downed the rest of his beer to make room for the wine. She came towards him. Her hair swung in front of her face as she carefully placed the small tray with glasses, a bottle of wine, cheese slices and crackers. It was like something people on a date might enjoy together. Her hair looked so shiny and healthy, it nearly slid over itself. He remembered the split-ended, dull mop that used to hang around her face. Everything seemed so much better about Jessie Bains, even her damn hair.
****
Jessie stole a glance at Will, then quickly looked away. He was sprawled on her small chair, his legs stretched out in front of him, resting on the handrail. His legs were so muscled, they went beyond the point of ridiculous. His t-shirt couldn’t hide the powerful chest, the six pack, and flat belly. If possible, the last two years did nothing but hone his already gorgeously fit body. His muscles were amply toned, without going too big. He was still long, lean, and graceful whenever he moved. His blond hair was longer than she remembered. It hung over his forehead, the highlights reflecting the five o’clock sun. He put on a pair of small-framed sunglasses as he sat looking out at the valley, and at her, so visibly comfortable sitting on her balcony. There wasn’t a trace of his previous reticence, which he usually felt around her. Before she was always the aggressor, the one he was running from, or trying to calm down.
But before, he never appeared quite like how he was now. Sexy. Self-assured. Staring her down until she squirmed in discomfort. Before, he didn’t seemed so cool and she so frumpy. She finally sat down on the opposite chair. There was no way to do it without her thighs spreading. She tried crossing her legs to hide some of the bulk, but her legs could barely stay that way. Not like a few years ago, when they were so small, they folded together in perfect symmetry.
He took a sip of wine, which didn’t seem to fit him. He was Army, macho, muscled. But he could pull off anything, she knew. He was again looking at her. Was he comparing the sheer volume of her now with how she used to be? Was it so hard to reconcile the two images?
“So horses? That’s what you found you like to do? How did that happen?”
She took a large sip of wine, feeling glad that dri
nking was never one of her vices. It wasn’t something she had to recover from or quit. She did, however, feel like she needed a large amount to get through this.
“I hated them when I first got here. I thought they stunk. But later, there they all were, every time I came down from the apartment. It was hard not to notice when they did something. Like running around the pasture, or neighing at me. Or coming to the fence when they wanted me to say hi. Your friend, Ron, eventually convinced me I should try horseback riding. It took about two months for me to work up the courage. But once I did, he took me out daily, and I got better.”
“And now you take care of them?”
“Yes.”
“And the vet in town?”
“You know about that?”
“I probably know about everything.”
“I started by volunteering there a few hours a week. I was bored, and Ron suggested that I keep busy. He noticed how I took to the animals, so he recommended me to the vet there. After a few months, they offered me a part-time job.” She took a long sip of wine. “I’ve considered going to school. There are programs for vet technicians. I might be able to do that. Maybe. I don’t know.”
“Why not just become a vet?”
She stared. “Me? You’re talking medical school, Will. Like ten years of it or more.”
“And you’re twenty-three, not exactly at retirement age.”
He was staring again, searching her face, so she looked towards the horses.
“I’m proud of you. Everything. Being here. How hard you worked to find something to do. Finding a job even.”
“The animals are why. They don’t judge. They give total and unconditional love.”
He was quiet, but his gaze stayed on her. She looked away. “The best kind, huh?”
She licked her lips. “Yes. The best kind. Who knew only a dog could teach me that?”
His eyebrows rose over the frame of his sunglasses. “That’s who taught you?”
She looked at him. She licked her lips and whispered softly, “No. That’s not who taught me.”
He smiled, and she smiled back.
He drained his glass, and set it on the glass-topped table. Then he stood up, all six-foot-one of him and walked to the railing. He looked out, turned towards her, and crossed his arms over his chest. She didn’t mean to stare at his biceps as he curled his arms, but they were so perfect, it was impossible not to gawk.
“What are your plans? I mean to do on your leave?”
“You. You’re my plans.”
She didn’t know what to say to that. She could hardly look at him through the sun’s glare.
“This place isn’t as big as I thought. You should have told me. I’d have found you something bigger.”
“It’s more than enough. It’s been wonderful. And private. And the horses. I love being right here with the horses.”
“Yeah? Well I didn’t plan on that when I agreed to rent this for you.”
She dropped her head. “I’m sorry you had to support me. You don’t need to anymore, I think I’m finally there. I’m almost a self-sufficient adult.”
“I told you a long time ago I didn’t care about the money.”
“I do. I care about the money. I care about everything.”
“That’s a nice change. There was a time, you didn’t care about anything.”
You. I always cared about you. Instead, she said, “I care now.”
He was quiet after she spoke. She couldn’t keep staring at him or he might get creeped out that the fat girl couldn’t seem to get enough of him.
“Where have you been all this time? What have you been doing?”
“You know. Going here. There. Everywhere.”
“Still all secrets, huh?”
He nodded. “Still all secrets,” he said, shifting the weight on his hips. “After you left, there were a lot of short-term assignments. I know it was hard on you how swiftly I made you leave. I ambushed you with Gretchen, Lindsey, and my plan. I gave you no time to get prepared. I presented my deployment as if it were essential you leave right then, that day. I know it was a shitty thing to do to you. Especially after all you went through that night. But I had to get you to leave North Carolina and that was the only way I knew how. My absence forced you to leave. You needed help, and you had to get away from you father.”
She nodded and pursed her lips. “I get it. I remember. You’re right, it was the only way I would have left or done all of this.”
Her gaze shifted to the pasture. “No one talks about it here. No one discusses wars, or soldiers, or secret missions. If they do, it’s rare, and abstract. It isn’t their lives. It’s, well, God, it’s wonderful. I didn’t know that we were the odd ones.”
“You like civilian life?”
“I love it. I would never go back. Not for anything. Would you ever get out? Leave it for good? Try having a normal life?”
He shrugged. “Come on, you know what I am: a soldier through and through. Always have been, always will be. You’re the closest I’ve ever come to a life outside.”
“And it was all forced with me. A pretense.”
“It wasn’t a pretense. It was—”
“I know what I meant to you. I was your duty.”
“You stopped being that.”
She shrugged, and got up herself, moving to the railing a few feet from him. She glanced at her watch.
“Would you like to see where I work? I promised I’d stop in today. There is a sick dog and I’ve been kind of her special caretaker. She responds to me. So—”
He looked at her sideways. “I’d love nothing more than to see where you work.”
****
Will followed Jessie into the small brick house that was converted into a veterinary office. It was closed, but lights still shone from the back.
“Good you’re here. I was hoping you’d—”
The male voice stopped instantly when the man walked into the foyer where Will and Jessie stood. She smiled up at the man. He was tall, long, and lanky with a lab coat clinging to his frame. The man had black hair, blue eyes and black-rimmed glasses. He was handsome, Will guessed, in a thoughtful, serious way.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you had someone with you. I’m Dr. Clark.”
Will stepped forward, putting his hand out to shake the veterinarian’s. “Will Hendricks.”
“Oh?” Dr. Clark glanced at Jessie. “Your brother?”
“No, ah, he’s not.”
“Husband,” Will supplied when Jessie seemed at a loss for words.
Dr. Clark physically stepped back. “I had no idea you were married.”
“I’ve been overseas.”
“He’s um, a colonel in the Army.”
Dr. Clark looked at Jessie, and Will saw it in his eyes. Quiet longing. Acceptance. “Wow. I really didn’t know. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
The vet has a crush on Jessie. And she is oblivious to it. Will didn’t know how he felt about that. It was good, wasn’t it? That Jessie was oblivious? He seemed like a nice man who was quiet, unassuming, and treated Jessie with the utmost respect. But… still, Clark wanted Jessie. And Jessie was his wife. His… what was she?
“I thought while I treated Clementine, I’d show Will where I was working.”
“Of course, you’re welcome to. She’s become invaluable here.”
Will smiled. “Doesn’t surprise me. She’s pretty special.”
Dr. Clark nodded. “She is that.”
Jessie laughed it off. She turned and Will followed her through swinging doors. It was strange watching Jessie move around as a functioning, capable, even knowledgeable employee. Dr. Clark stood near Will, watching her.
Jessie didn’t seem half as self-conscious around Dr. Clark as she did with Will. Why? Why was she acting so weird with him? He, who literally found her in the dregs of her life? Why was she so self-conscious now when she was doing so well? And looked so good? He couldn’t figure it all out. Clementine, as it tur
ned out, was a dachshund suffering from a lung infection. Will watched as Jessie moved around the small back room, mixing up a dose of medicine and then administering it to the small dog. She hugged and kissed the dog, while petting and soothing others in cages.
She finished up and washed her hands as she glanced towards him. He felt her looking, then turning away. She couldn’t seem to hold his gaze. She acted like she hardly knew him. He really didn’t get what was going on with her. Jessie was a lot of things, but shy or bashful was never one of them. Or maybe, now it was.
Dr. Clark came towards them as they headed for the door.
“Are you working tomorrow?”
“Of course.”
“I thought maybe since your husband was in town—” Dr. Clark’s voice trailed off. Will figured most people would assume after such a long separation, any husband and wife would want to spend every possible second together. There was no way to explain the dynamics of their marriage.
Jessie glanced at Will, who waited silently for her to answer. “Will’s arrival was unexpected. I-I haven’t thought that far.”
“Why don’t you take it off? Plan on working Thursday, and I’ll handle Clementine until then.”
She smiled. “Thank you, Dr. Clark.”
“You’re welcome. Good night.”
“Good night,” Will said as he held the door for Jessie. She walked through while glancing back towards the veterinarian. He seemed tall and commanding in the reception room, but now stood looking disappointed as Jessie left with her husband.
Jessie was silent as they walked towards her small, hatchback car. “Let’s go out to dinner tonight. How about it? Like a normal couple?”
Normal couple. He could tell by her expression how far they were from being a normal couple. “Okay. There’s an Italian bistro around the corner.”
He took her keys and they drove there. She was quiet. Quieter than he ever remembered her being. They entered the dimly lit, intimate restaurant and were seated at a candle-lit table for two with a checkered tablecloth. Jessie took the menu and placed it in front of her face to block his view of her. She stared at it long past the time it took to make a decision on dinner. She lowered it only when the waiter came to take their orders. Then she was stuck across the table from him with nowhere to go. She had to look at him, talk to him, acknowledge him. Will wondered how the silence could get so thick between them. They hadn’t seen each other in two years. They should have plenty to discuss.