by Lyssa Layne
The expression on his face softened. She was sure it was because of her admissions. “Are you ready to hear me out completely. No interruptions? I’m mean it. If I have to I’ll tape your mouth shut and tie you to that chair, I will.”
She looked deep into his eyes wanting to see that she had his full attention.
When he nodded but didn’t speak, she figured he must be ready to listen.
“I’ve only known you a couple of days. In those few days, my emotions have run an extreme gambit, from being totally furious with you, to feeling completely sorry for you, to feeling selfishly sorry for myself.” shifted in her chair, somewhat uncomfortable with how brutally honest she was in this conversation. “I don’t like feeling sorry for myself. That’s something that just doesn’t set well with me. It comes from the way my par—the Michaels raised me.”
In her nervousness, she fidgeted with a loose tack on the armchair as she continued. “I was taught from a very early age that feeling sorry for myself was as good as giving up.” She looked him dead in the eyes as she bared more of her heart. “Now, I have to admit something here, I have felt sorry for myself because of my loss. And while I fully believe that no one would ever dispute the fact that I have good reason to feel that way, it still doesn’t make me feel good to see that kind of behavior in myself.”
Unable to sit still any longer, she got up and began to pace in front of the fireplace.
“In the past month I’ve had to get used to all sorts of changes in my life, and while none of that is a secret to you since we’ve already discussed it, the one thing that I’ve only now come to understand is that I want to live and be happy.” Cherie looked up as she said it wanting him to know her life was only just beginning.
She turned, and her gaze fell to a photograph of Olivia and Lawrence on their wedding day. Olivia looked so happy, a young bride fresh on the threshold of a new life. She picked up the picture and thought about what might have been going through her grandmother’s mind that day.
“I want to live my life to its fullest. I don’t want to be like Olivia and have regrets about being too afraid to speak up for myself or the welfare of my child.” She put the photo down and picked up the one of Destiny at her high school graduation. “I want to know I’m loved unconditionally for myself, never having to question if that love is real, nor having to hide it.”
Her thoughts drifted to Destiny having to hide her relationship with the man she loved thanks to her father’s narrow-minded ways. “I want to be proud of it, share it, hold it for the precious gift it is.”
Cherie tried to control the catch she heard in her own voice. The last thing she wanted was to end up in tears in front of Jason.
“Another thing that I’ve come to realize in this past month, that’s screaming out to be heard is that life is too damn short not to live it to the max.” As she finished her last statement, she dropped to her knees in front of Jason. Cherie took his hands in hers, boldly wanting him to know she cared for him.
“I’ve had my share of boyfriends in the past. Most of them were boys, not really knowing themselves, much less what they wanted out of life. So, as you can see, there have been no real relationships in my life, until now. Until you.” Cherie hoped her eyes expressed the feelings she felt for him. Although she knew she was already in love with him, she knew it was too soon to say the words and have him believe her. Instead, she’d keep that tidbit to herself, for the time being, her own little ray of hope.
“I really want us to have a chance to see if we can make it together. But in doing so, you need to know who I am, and what I’m all about. I love to laugh, I love to joke, and I want to share that same laughter with you, but frankly I’m worried.”
Cherie knew she’s said the wrong thing the second it was out of her mouth, due to the way his lips turned down. When she saw him about to speak, she held up her hand to prevent it so she could continue to get her thoughts out once and for all.
“I’m worried because your life has been so different from mine. You grew up in such a controlled environment, and from what I can tell, I don’t know that you can lighten up or if you’d rather continue to live like that. All I know is I can’t live my life so afraid of tomorrow that I can’t live for today.”
She felt Jason pulling away from her, even as she tried to make him understand. “It’s not that I’m trying to change you, except perhaps some of your perceptions. I think that had your mother not died or maybe even if Destiny hadn’t gone away, maybe you’d still have a shred of silliness in your life. But between all the losses you suffered so early in your life, you’re just waiting for someone to hurt you again. And I almost feel like you’re setting that someone up to be me.”
Jason could remain silent no longer. “That’s ridiculous. I have no such expectation of you.”
Cherie blinked back her fear, and swallowed, “Are you sure?”
“Of course I’m sure,” he replied, as if he was offended by her question.
“Then why are you so jealous of Mark?”
Jason’s mouth opened and closed three times before he managed to say, “I don’t know what you mean?”
“Really?” she accused.
“Yes, really.”
She could tell he was hurt by her question just from his voice, but she figured now was as good a time as any to bring it up. “Do you remember when we were at the restaurant and I told you I kind of hoped Mark was right and you were jealous?”
“Yes.” His brows drew together.
“I said that because I’ve never had anyone get jealous of me over anyone before, and yes, part of that was ego. It really felt good at first to have you worry about where my interests might lie. But the more I think about it and how serious you get every time I’m joking, the more I worry that with you, it might be a control issue. And before you go getting yourself all in a snit and I can see that you are, I don’t mean that like my Grandfather was, what I mean is that you need to believe me when I tell you I care about you. You. And you alone.” When she saw the questioning look in his eyes, she took another route. “You need to trust me.”
“I do believe you.”
“What did Mark ever do to you that would make you treat your friend the way you have? Did he ever steal a girl away from you? For that matter, what have I done to you that made you believe something is going on between Mark and me? What is there for you to get so upset about? I mean, up until the past twenty-four hours there hasn’t been a relationship between you and me; nothing to get jealous about.”
Cherie leaned forward placing a hand on each side of Jason’s face, gently pulling him forward so she could kiss him. It wasn’t a chaste kiss, and it wasn’t an all-consuming kiss, but a kiss that simply said I want you. I really do.
“I don’t think I could ask for a better man than you are. I believe in you, I believe you have all the moral fiber that I could possibly want in a man, but I think you are definitely too serious, perhaps too set in your ways to understand me and tolerate me as I am. And believe me, I have no intention of changing myself for any man.” Then with a bit of flare to her voice, she finished, “The man who loves me, must love me enough to want a life with me, and will have to be able to take me as I am, silliness, spontaneity, and all. Just as I am. Now if you can handle that, I’d totally love to have you in my life. But please be sure you’re ready for a relationship with me before I invest all of myself. Heart and soul. I don’t want to be hurt any more than you do.
“Are you through?” Jason asked.
He sounded put out, but she was prepared to ignore it for the moment and give him a chance to speak his own mind. “Yes.”
“Fine, now can I say a few words?”
“Be my guest.”
“For the most part, I understand what you’re saying and why. I can even agree with you up to a point. But your last comment almost sounded as accusatory as you claim I’m being. You make it sound like you expect me to hurt you as well.”
“Jason, that
’s not what I meant. I meant that I don’t plan to hold back my feelings toward you. If we’re to be together, you’ll know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I want to be with you because I’m not very good at hiding my feelings. I say what’s on my mind, good or bad, and by that same token, I express my feelings just as openly. So, if I want to kiss you, I will. If I want to chew you out for something I’ll do that too. But, I can’t be on some emotional roller coaster, constantly having to watch my words for fear you’ll take what I say wrong.”
Jason glared at her.
It compelled her to prove her point. “The perfect example of this happened as we got home tonight. I was teasing you about your stuffy ties, and suddenly you’re telling me that life isn’t all fun and play. Next thing I know I’m defending myself, telling you that when life gets too serious, that you don’t recognize fun and play something’s wrong. We were discussing your damned tie, and suddenly I’m forced to defend myself. What kind of relationship is that?”
“Maybe you’re right, maybe I’m like those others and don’t even know myself well enough to know what I want from you either. Maybe this was too much to ask for, too soon. I suggest we take a break from each other and see how we feel in a couple of weeks or so. Who knows maybe we’ll find our way back to each other someday soon.”
“I can’t believe you just said that. I can’t believe you’re running away rather than dealing with it. Jason, is that what you really want?” She planted her hands on her hips before she took a swing at him for being a coward.
When he didn’t respond, she ran out of the room and up the stairs before Jason could stop her. She was more disappointed than heart broken.
She left Jason to let himself out of the Alexander home.
Cherie awoke with a nasty headache. Although, why she was surprised when she’d cried herself to sleep. She should have expected it.
During breakfast, Olivia asked how her evening went.
“So honey, did you and Jason straighten out your differences?”
Cherie stared blankly at her food. “They’re straightened out all right. We’re not seeing each other anymore.”
“I can’t believe he’d let you get away.”
“Hell, he ran as fast as he could.”
“What happened? You two seemed to be getting along so well there?”
Cherie recanted the conversation from the evening before.
“I can’t believe he’s so hard-headed.”
“It sounds to me as if there’s room for blame on both your parts. You were raised differently from the way he was. In many ways, Jason’s father was every bit as stern as Lawrence. The difference is you’re the one who can help him let go of the past. He needs you, maybe even more than you need him. You’re a strong woman, with the ability to find your way. But there’s going to have to be some give and take and right now what I see is two people I care about very much are far too blinded by their own insecurities to see that true love was knocking at the door. Are you going to be wise enough to open that door, or too stubborn to try?”
“Why is it my job to be the bigger person?” Cherie wasn’t so sure she liked where this conversation was going. She’d never been one to back down from a fight.
“Don’t you think you’re being a bit harsh on him? Jason has had just as much loss in his life as you have. The difference is that you had two good parents to raise you to be the confident person you are. Jason, on the other hand, lost his mother when he was just a boy and never really had a father figure to guide him. Sure he’s more serious than most of the boys you know, I’m telling you from experience you won’t find a more caring man to have in your life.”
Cherie felt as if Olivia was scolding her, insisting she was being unfair to Jason. That was something she’d never been accused of in her life. Hell her parents always told her she was too kind-hearted, always willing to see the good in people. If that were the case, then she had to ask herself seriously if she was treating Jason unfairly. She didn’t think so. Maybe she was just wearing out her welcome. She was sure that was it. She’d wait until the afternoon and then tell Olivia she was going back to her parent’s house. She needed to get back to work anyway. Maybe if she tried to get back into a routine, she’d feel better and stop dwelling on her non-existent love life.
Wanting to drop the subject at hand, Cherie proceeded to tell her Grandmother about their search the previous day.
“By the way, we found absolutely nothing in the files in Jason’s basement. I can’t believe that any trails and leads can be this cold.” Cherie looked up to her Grandmother and noticed right off that Olivia wasn’t looking at her. In fact, if she didn’t know better she’d swear that Olivia was directly ignoring her.
“Olivia,” Cherie spoke trying to get her attention. “Grandmother.”
Olivia sheepishly raised her head, as if hesitant to make eye contact. “Yes, dear.”
“Why do I get the distinct feeling you know more than you’re letting on here?
“Perhaps that’s because maybe I do know a few things that I’m afraid will come out and I’ll lose you again.”
Cherie reached across the table covering her grandmother’s hand. “I don’t think that whatever it is you know, is anything that you’re responsible for. Who are you trying to cover for now?”
“That’s just it, it’s Jason.”
“What do you mean, Jason? What did he do?”
“That’s not what I mean dear. Now, who’s jumping to conclusions? What I mean is that I’m afraid Jason will be hurt by what I may know…and he’s been hurt far too much for me to add to it.”
“Well, tell me what you know, and if it doesn’t go anywhere, then we won’t tell him, but if it’s something that will hamper us from finding out what actually happened, then we’ll have to bring it up.
“That’s what I’m afraid of.”
“Come on, out with it.”
“Well, about the time that Lawrence was having Jason’s father draw up the paperwork for your adoption, I overheard them arguing. Mason, Jason’s father was telling Lawrence that what he was suggesting was illegal. I didn’t hear the whole conversation, I just assumed that it was your adoption as later that day, Mason and Lawrence brought me the paper to sign allowing the adoption to take place.”
“Okay, so maybe my adoption wasn’t legal, what’s the big deal? I mean it’s not like we both don’t know Lawrence was capable of anything.”
“That’s just it honey if Lawrence managed to force Mason into doing something illegal, it’s going to tear Jason apart. His father, in many ways, was just as harsh on Jason as Lawrence was on Desiree and I. Mason made it a point to tell Jason at every turn what a wonderful lawyer he was. Jason put him on a pedestal even while his own father constantly put him down. For Jason to find out his father was less than perfect after a lifetime of being judged that will definitely hurt him.
“Okay, then do have any ideas on where else we might search if you want us to stay out of Mason’s records?
“I’ve been thinking, and I do have a suggestion. Remember when I told you we removed Desiree from the first home and moved her closer. Well, I remember reading that they closed that first hospital because it was too expensive to run. They had to disperse the patients out to other hospitals, the same with the staff, but the facility is still there, and so are the records. What if Mark could get a judge to allow you to search those records? I happen to know a judge that was a good friend of Lawrence’s. I might be able to call in a favor and get you that permission, especially since the adoption was never completed.”
“Oh Grandmother, would you please? In the meantime, I’ll get hold of Mark and see if he has some free time to see the judge and then visit that home. Do you have any idea who we need to talk to gain entry to the place?”
“I’ll ask Judge Atkins when I talk to him. Maybe he’ll have a suggestion for you.”
Cherie was so ecstatic, by the time she talked to Mark that she couldn’t sit still. Mark promised t
o pick her up at noon, and from there they’d head over the judge’s chambers.
CHAPTER NINE
With the proper documents in order, Cherie and Mark headed for the Convalescent Hospital.
Their arrival was met with mixed emotions. Cherie didn’t tell Mark that she thought her relationship with Jason was over. She didn’t want to think about that now. She wanted to concentrate on finding out what happened around the time of her birth and why it was such a secret, in so many ways.
Judge Atkins had done some checking as promised. He’d discovered that the files were never locked nor were they ever removed when the facility shut down. The state figured what better place to store the records than in their existing file cabinets. And since the state still owned the property and had no intention of tearing the structure down, the place had remained, as it was when it closed down except for the graffiti that now decorated the exterior of the building.
The place was boarded up against trespassers. Mark had no problem yanking the boards that covered the front door.
After stepping across the threshold, both Cherie and Mark were hit by the sudden chill. Their flashlights lit their way. Their footsteps echoed as they made their way towards the records office. Once they found the file cabinets, they decided to split up. Cherie agreed to search the file cabinets in the administration office while Mark went in search of Doctor Benson’s office and whether or not he left anything behind.
Armed with a durable flashlight, Cherie attacked the files searching for her mother’s past records. When she didn’t find them, she looked around the office to see if there was any kind of a list of the registered doctor’s names on it.
Hearing soft footsteps, she called out, “Mark, I didn’t find a thing on my mother, but I think I just found the last roster of doctors that were here when the place closed down.