“How on earth do women feed them?” Josh asked, grabbing the towel Jesse offered and wiping his face, his shirt, and Brie’s mouth. “For someone so little, she’s like an octopus, doing sixteen different things at once.” He reached out and grabbed the bottle that tiny fingers were reaching for. “I don’t know how Emma handles her.”
“How’s Emma doing?” Jesse asked, eyeing the baby. She was a beauty.
“Still sick as a dog,” Josh admitted with a sigh. “So as soon as I feed Brie, or she gets me to cry uncle, whichever comes first, I’m taking her over to Natalie.” Josh glanced up. “Something on your mind, Jesse?”
“I just came by to say goodbye.”
Josh merely stared at him for a moment. A million emotions fluttered through him. “You’re leaving?” he asked quietly.
Jesse nodded. “I think it’s for the best. For now.” Jesse fingered his Stetson. “I need some time to sort things out. Think them through.” He blew out a breath. “So much has happened in such a short time, Josh, I need some time to get a handle on them.”
“Are you coming back?” Josh asked, lifting Brie from her high chair and cradling her in his lap. The need to hold something right now was strong.
“Don’t reckon I know yet, Josh.” Jesse grinned. “Guess that’s one of the things I need to find out.”
“I understand,” Josh said, not understanding anything of the kind. “I hope you know how much it’s meant to us—all of us—to have you here, Jesse, I’m just sorry you’re leaving.”
Jesse smiled, running a finger over the baby’s cheek. It was as soft as down. “Thanks, Josh.”
“And hey, don’t worry about Hannah’s house. Jake, Jared and me, we’ll take care of it. A few weekends and it’ll be looking like new.”
Just like that, they stepped into the breach and picked up the slack. His brothers. His eyes were stinging and when he met Josh’s gaze, he felt his heart ache again. “Thanks, Josh. I appreciate it.” He shifted his weight uncomfortably. “Well…I’d better shove off. I’ve got a long way to go.”
Josh stood up. “Take care of yourself, Jesse,” he said quietly.
“I will.” Jesse extended his hand. Josh took it and for a moment they looked at each other, memories and feelings flowing freely from one heart to the other.
“You take care of that wife of yours.” Jesse bent and kissed Brie on the cheek. “And this little lady as well.” His voice was shakier than he would have liked.
“I will, Jesse. I will.” Josh hesitated, then started walking Jesse toward the door. “You take care of yourself.” Jesse turned, and he and Josh hugged. Jesse closed his eyes, wondering why he felt so…lost. So adrift. He hadn’t had that feeling in quite a while, not since before he’d arrived, but now it was back. And he didn’t like it.
“Take care, bro. Call if you need anything.” Josh stood in the doorway, watching his brother leave, with a deep-seated fear that he’d never see him again.
“Hi, Mama,” Riley called as she dashed into the house. “I got to get dressed for school. Uncle Jesse brought me home and the dog had puppies. I picked out a girl puppy, is that okay, Mama? I’m gonna call her Miss Muff’n Stuff, is that okay?”
Before Hannah had a chance to answer, Riley was racing through the kitchen, and up the stairs to change.
“Good morning,” Hannah said to Jesse, who stood in the doorway looking a tad uncomfortable. She reached up on tiptoe to kiss him. “I’m sorry I fell asleep last night.” She couldn’t help the smile that filled her face, her heart. “And thanks for your note. I found it when I woke up this morning.”
In spite of the promise he’d made to himself, he reached out and laid a hand to her cheek. “Don’t be sorry, darlin’, about falling asleep. You were exhausted.” He shrugged. “It’s understandable.”
“Thank you, Jesse,” she said a bit shyly. “For last night.” Her eyes slid closed in memory for a moment and then she sighed. “It was…wonderful.”
“That it was, darlin’.” Unable to resist, he drew her close and kissed her, wanting to hold her close just once more. Her arms instinctively went around him and he could feel her soft, feminine curves pressing against him, making him ache with remembrance and need. With deliberate effort, he drew back as Riley bounced back down the stairs.
“Am I late, Mama?” she asked, rushing into the kitchen and turning this way and that looking for her things.
“No, sweetheart.” Hannah glanced at the kitchen clock. “You’ve still got a few minutes.” Hannah grabbed Riley’s snack off the counter. “Put this in your bookbag, honey.”
“It’s for recess, right?” Riley asked with a grin. “I’m gonna share with Mikey today.” She struggled to get the straps of her bookbag all the way up her shoulders. Instinctively, Jesse reached out and helped her.
“Hannah, do you mind if I walk Riley to the bus? I’d like to talk to her.”
Hannah looked at him carefully. Something was wrong, she could see it in his eyes and by the way he was standing. It sent a chill racing over her.
“Sure, Jesse. Go ahead.” As she watched him take Riley’s hand, and lead her out the door and down the walk, Hannah couldn’t help but feel a premonition of fear.
Something was wrong.
She knew it as surely as she knew her own name.
Hannah’s gaze shifted to the window and she noticed Jesse’s car. Then she saw the luggage in the back seat and she pressed trembling hands to her lips.
Oh God.
He was leaving.
“You’re leaving, aren’t you?” she said the moment he’d put Riley on the bus and walked back in the house. Biting back tears, Hannah clenched her hands together so he wouldn’t see them trembling.
“Yes, darlin’, I’m afraid I am.” He shifted, then reached out to touch her, but she drew back, away from him, unable to bear the thought that he could walk away from her after last night, after what they’d shared and could have together. It hurt far worse than she’d ever imagined.
“Why?” she demanded. “Why are you leaving?”
He shook his head. “You knew all along I was leaving, darlin’. I never tried to hide it from you.” He wondered if he looked as miserable as he felt.
“But what about Tommy? Your brothers?” Her voice caught and she struggled for control, trying not to let the fear and panic have free rein. “Are you simply going to turn your back on your family and walk away from them?”
Was he simply going to turn his back on her and walk away?
How could he? she wondered.
Especially after last night.
After what they’d shared.
Fighting back tears, Hannah clenched her fists until her nails bit into her palms. She knew better, knew she should have never allowed herself to let him get close to her or to her daughter. Knew she had no business not guarding her heart from him. She knew better and had let it happen anyway.
She had no one to blame but herself for this horrendous pain tearing through her.
“Darlin’, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. I’m not turning my back on anyone.” He stepped closer, would have pulled her into his arms if he didn’t see the coldness and pain in her eyes. He’d promised her she’d always be safe with him. And he’d broken that promise to her. Guilt washed over him and Jesse knew there was no way he could make this up to her.
Hannah was hurt.
And he felt like an absolute heel.
“Not turning your back?” she cried, fear and pain mingling. “Not walking away? Then what do you call it, Jesse?” she asked, her voice rising. She took a step closer and the look on her face had him taking a step back, remembering Jake’s warning. “Just what exactly do you call it?”
He was turning his back on her just as another man had once done. He’d won her heart, and now he was simply going to walk away from her as if her heart, her life and her feelings were of no consequence.
Another thought had a pain searing through her. “Tommy. Oh my God, does Tom
my know?” Now tears began in earnest. She couldn’t bear the thought of Tommy being hurt, not by Jesse, not after all these years of waiting and longing.
“Yes, darlin’. Everyone knows—except for Riley,” he added softly, making her eyes widen.
“Look, darlin’, I’m sorry, truly I am. I never meant to hurt you.” How could he tell her what he was feeling when he didn’t understand it himself? Didn’t understand the confusing mix of feelings and emotions that had been dogging him for months, making him doubt everything he ever believed about himself and his life.
How could he tell her he couldn’t offer himself to her, to Riley, to anyone until he knew exactly who he was.
And where he belonged.
Looking at the pain and sadness on Hannah’s face, Jesse knew he couldn’t tell her any of that, not without hurting her further.
“I’m sorry, Hannah-Anna,” he said softly, lifting a hand to her cheek for one last moment, before she turned away. “I’m truly sorry.”
She gave her head an angry toss. “And just what are you sorry for, Jesse?” Her eyes blazed at him, making the ache inside him sharper. “Sorry for turning your back on your own family? Or are you sorry for turning your back on me?” She hadn’t meant to say that, hadn’t meant for him to know what was in her heart, fearing it would frighten him. Now it really didn’t seem to matter.
“I’m sorry for all of it, darlin’,” Jesse said slowly, settling his Stetson on his head. “I’m just plain…sorry.”
She nodded, crossing her arms across her chest as if she could hold all the pain in. “Fine, you’re sorry.” She merely glared at him, knowing if he didn’t leave soon he was going to have to watch her fall apart right in front of his eyes. “If you’re leaving, then leave, Jesse.” They were the hardest words she’d ever had to say. “I’ve got work to do.”
He nodded, then turned, pausing to look back at her, his eyes filled with an emotion she couldn’t identify. “Hannah-Anna,” he whispered, reaching out a hand toward her. “You’ll tell Riley for me?”
Nodding, she stepped back, and couldn’t stop the tears from filling her eyes.
“Yes, Jesse,” she whispered, her voice cracking. “Please…just…go.”
Covering her tear-stained face with her hands so he wouldn’t witness her pain, Hannah didn’t open her eyes again until she heard the door shut quietly behind him.
Jesse decided to drive back to Texas, rather than take a plane, because he needed some time to think, to absorb everything that had happened to him.
With every passing mile, the ache in his heart grew stronger, bolder, and his mind, his memories, became clearer, closer.
These past few months he’d been searching for Jesse Ryan, searching for the boy who’d been stolen so many years ago.
All these months, he’d been wondering who he was and where he belonged. But as he drove Jesse realized that his emotions weren’t as clouded or as confused as he thought.
His whole life he’d had a hard time with emotion, had had a hard time getting close to anyone or letting them close. And he’d never understood it or questioned it. He’d merely accepted it. That’s the way he was.
That’s the way Jesse Garland was, he realized. Maybe, as Hannah had pointed out, Jesse Garland had become that way—distant, unemotional, detached—in order to protect himself so that Jesse Garland wouldn’t suffer the same devastating pain that little Jesse Ryan had suffered. It had merely been a cover of protection.
The past few weeks he’d learned a little bit about who Jesse Ryan had been. Jesse Ryan had been part of a huge, loving family. A little boy who’d loved freely, openly and without fear. A little boy who’d been doted on and spoiled by his parents, his grandfather and his brothers. Jesse Ryan had been a boy filled with hope and love.
But somehow that little boy had been lost, and Jesse Garland had taken his place.
So who was he really? Jesse wondered as the miles passed and he got farther and farther away from Saddle Falls.
Jesse Garland would never have allowed himself to fall in love with Hannah. Or Riley, he thought, recognizing for the first time that the emotions he felt inside, emotions that had haunted him from the moment he’d walked out of her house were…love.
He was in love with Hannah. The knowledge was staggering, and for the first time in his life Jesse understood what he was feeling, what was in his heart.
He loved Hannah more than life itself, with the same kind of love and devotion he’d seen on his brothers’ faces—Josh when he looked at Emma, Jake when he looked at Rebecca, and Jared when he looked at Natalie. He’d envied those looks, envied them but knew he could never have that.
Jesse Garland could never have that, a small voice whispered. He could never open up his emotions, allow himself to love or be loved.
But maybe Jesse Ryan could.
Jesse’s thoughts drifted to Tommy and he couldn’t prevent a smile. Tommy was the most incredible man he’d ever met. Loving and kind, and with a strong sense of himself and family.
Jesse Garland would never be able to understand someone like Tommy.
But Jesse Ryan understood him perfectly.
Jesse thought about his brothers, Jake, Jared and Josh. There was a connection between them, a connection that had no beginning and no end and was strong as the love that flowed through their veins, uniting them.
Jesse Garland would never be able to accept that kind of connection, that kind of closeness.
But Jesse Ryan accepted it with ease, and in fact, relished it.
Jesse Garland was a bleak, solitary man who harbored no hopes, no dreams for the future.
But Jesse Ryan was a man who had hopes, dreams and wanted a future and a family. A woman of his own to love, a child of his own to care for.
Jesse Garland would never understand the love and commitment to the land and the way Saddle Falls was as much a part of the Ryans as the sun to morning.
But Jesse Ryan understood it, and felt the love of the land in his hands as the rich dark earth slithered through his fingers, generation after generation.
Jesse Ryan understood that Saddle Falls, the small town that had grown along with the Ryan clan, was and always would be…home.
“Damn!” Jesse hit the brakes, nearly swerving off the interstate. Ignoring the blare of horns behind him, he glanced in his rearview mirror before crossing three lanes of traffic in order to make the nearest exit.
He had to turn around.
He was going the wrong way.
He knew it now.
Knew it in his heart, knew it in his soul.
Jesse slowed and glanced in his rearview mirror. He felt a burden lift from his shoulders and he smiled, a golden beautiful smile, recognizing the face in the mirror for the first time in almost twenty years.
“Well, hello, Jesse Ryan,” he said to himself. “I think it’s time for you to go home.”
“Now, Riley honey, please don’t lose your bookbag,” Hannah said, hurrying along and taking her daughter’s hand as they walked toward the bus stop. “Do you have your snack for recess?”
“Yes, Mama,” Riley said with a grin. “I put it in my bag. Can I share with Mikey again today?”
Hannah smiled. “Yes, honey. I even put in an extra snack for him.”
“I like Mikey. He says I could be his sister.”
Sister. Hannah sighed, remembering a time when she was a young girl and a little boy had told her that.
Jesse.
She pushed the thought away, unwilling to indulge herself any longer. He’d been gone almost twenty-four hours, and although she went through all the motions necessary to keep her life together, her heart wasn’t in it, simply because her heart was broken.
“Mama?” Riley looked up at her. “You said Uncle Jesse wasn’t coming back.”
Hannah sniffled, then glanced down at her daughter, knowing her daughter’s heart was aching as much as her own. “That’s right, sweetheart,” she said gently, going down so she was eye level
with her. “Remember yesterday how I explained it to you?” Tried to explain it to Riley. How could Hannah explain something she didn’t understand herself?
“But Mama, Uncle Jesse’s right there.” Riley pointed behind her and Hannah turned to see Jesse’s SUV pull to a stop right by the driveway.
“Hi, Uncle Jesse,” Riley called, bouncing on her feet and trying to tug free of her mother. Hannah held on to her daughter tightly.
“Jesse?” Hannah’s heart flipped over and she blinked several times, not certain she wasn’t imagining him. “Jesse?” she said again.
“It’s me, darlin’,” he said with a smile, shutting the truck door behind him. He was dead tired. He’d driven nonstop for almost twenty-four hours. He hadn’t slept, shaved or bathed, and knew this probably wasn’t his finest hour.
But he didn’t care. He couldn’t wait; he had to come back. He couldn’t wait to get home.
Hope and anger rose in equal measures and Hannah wasn’t certain what to do as he walked toward her, his gaze never leaving hers.
“Are you all right?” Hannah asked, letting her shocked gaze take him in. “You…look…terrible.”
He laughed, scooping Riley up in his arms, needing to hold her. “Yep, I reckon that’s a fact.”
“I missed you, Uncle Jesse,” Riley said, giving him a sloppy kiss on the cheek. “Lots and lots.”
“You did, darlin’?” Jesse drew back to look at her. Lord, how he loved this little imp. “Well, darlin’, I missed you, too.” He pressed his forehead to hers and let a sigh of relief free. “Lots and lots as well.”
“Did you miss Mama, too?”
Jesse’s gaze slid to Hannah’s. She stood still, staring at him with hope in her heart, in her eyes. Seeing him holding her daughter in his arms was almost too much for her to bear.
“I reckon I missed your mama lots and lots, too, darlin’.” He paused. “That’s why I came home.”
Home. Hannah heard the word, the word she’d waited and yearned and longed to hear from him. Home. Jesse was home. Hope flared like a beacon inside her heart.
A Family to Come Home To (Saddle Falls) Page 19