Love Rewards The Brave
Page 13
“Benji, it’s me again. Just wanting to talk. It’s really important. Please call me back. Or write. I need you.”
And I hold the phone in my hand
looking at the calendar
seeing that I have one week
before the Termination of Parental Rights
before the termination of the people for whom I fight
before the termination of what might
have
been.
I throw my phone
against the wall.
And it’s
Breaking.
Just.
Like.
Me.
116.
Ms. Francine has dinner ready
for me when I get home after work.
It’s nearly 7:30 and a school night.
What I want to do is fall into bed,
but I don’t feel like a fight.
So I sit down like a good girl
and put lasagna on my plate.
“Do you want to talk about what happened at your counseling appointment the other day? I feel like you’re trying to keep as far away from me as possible.”
I look at her across the table.
I rip the bread into
tiny pieces
imagining who her new roommate will be.
Probably someone from work.
A respectable adult who has life all figured out
just like her.
“Okay. We don’t need to talk about that right now. That’s what you have Terry for. Is there anything on your mind?”
“Nope.”
“So you’re just demolishing all the food on your plate because you feel calm and collected?”
“Yep.”
“Louisa, please stop being snippy with me.”
“O-kay.”
I exaggerate my syllables in the way
every. single. adult.
I’ve ever known hates.
“You know, I’m trying here,” Ms. F says. “I’m trying to find a way in, but you just keep pushing back. It’s really hard.”
She stands up, puts her dishes in the sink
leaves the room
leaves me
alone
at the table.
Another
One
Bites
The
Dust.
117.
Margot comes to pick me up
on Saturday morning for work.
She and Ms. Francine have a
kitchen table conference
over coffee and the donuts she brought.
Ms. Francine never eats sweets for breakfast
she must be stressed.
Before I walk in the room
I take a moment and loom
behind the door.
Half wanting to hear
Ms. F say she hates me being around and wants me gone.
Half wanting to hear
Margot say I suck as a window washer and wants me gone.
Half wanting to hear them say
I am a nut job like my
Mother
Father
Brother
And they’d all be better off if I was gone.
Instead I hear them say, “She just pushes away, like I did after Hudson. I understand why, I just wish she’d talk.”
“She isn’t going to talk, not until after the hearing. She’s too mixed up right now. Just the timing is so bad. To have this happen right after Benji’s attempt.”
“So much for a girl to take.”
I’ve heard enough “stuff”
that I don’t knowwanthave to process.
I’m stuck, my feet and my heart.
I can’t move on.
I can’t walk in to where they are
they’d see that written on my face.
From the hallway I shout, “I’m going to the car, Margot. I’ll be waiting for you, no rush.”
I turn and go
because I don’t want them to know
that all the things they say are true.
Because all I know is this:
They might leave me too.
118.
“Benji, it’s me again.” I start to say
but the usual message doesn’t beep in right away
instead a real woman’s voice is on the other end,
a voice talking.
“What?” I say.
“Your brother Benji can’t receive calls right now. He’s been under a lot of stress lately and isn’t able to talk on the phone.”
“Well, can I come visit then?”
“I’m afraid he isn’t able to accept visitors at this time, either.”
“What do you mean? I’m his sister. I just need to talk to him. For just like, five minutes. Please?”
“I’m sorry. I’ve been getting your messages and I emailed Terry explaining why I can’t allow you or anyone access to him, right now.”
I start to feel like that girl again
the fierce one
nothing to lose one
wanting to prove to someone
that I can fight.
119.
Terry’s office is cold.
Just like the January never fading
frost
surrounding me, protecting me.
Just like the icy wall building around my heart.
I look over at her, sitting there.
I’ve decided to stare
her down.
“Sorry it’s so cold. The heater is broken and you know, budget cuts.”
She throws her hands in the air like I know
something about budget cuts.
“I got an email from Sherry over at the IPU, where Benji is. She said she’s received several messages from you wanting to talk to Benji.”
I nod my head, slow.
“Okay, so I’m sorry I wasn’t more clear. Benji will be there for a while. While he’s on this particular floor he can’t receive contact from anyone. When he moves to a different floor, and is more stable, you’ll be able to visit him.”
“So, like, he’s on lock down? For what? He didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Louisa, no one said he did anything wrong. But there was a reason I didn’t just hand you a contact sheet for him. He’s under twenty-four-hour care right now.”
“What, so he doesn’t kill himself? I told you, that was an accident.”
NO ONE LISTENS TO ME.
“I need you to calm down. Please just try and understand. Benji needs protection from himself, he’s very fragile right now and extremely explosive.”
“This doesn’t make sense.”
“I wish I had better news to share, but Benji has attempted suicide two more times since you saw him in December.”
“What are you talking about? He tried to kill himself again? He’s just a little boy. He was fine before. Before you guys starting messing with him. Before everyone decided he needed to be in a group home. Before...when I took care of him…he was fine!”
I’m crying now
screaming now
doing everything
I never do in front of her
now
and I am shaking
taking
claim to my baby brother
Benji Boy
now.
“You can’t do this to him. Break him like this. It’s your fault he’s acting out. He was always a good boy.”
“Louisa –– we didn’t break Benji. You didn’t break Benji. Benji didn’t break Benji.”
“Well, somebody did!”
I scream at her
everything becoming a blur.
I am back in the gray.
“You’re right,” she answers, gripping the edge of the desk before continuing. “Someone did.”
120.
I push my hair back from my
mascara-streaked face
and brace
myself
with the arm of the chair.
I breathe in deep, exhaling.
I feel my face go from angry hot red
to the palest white.
I feel it in my bones
and I know
before she says it
There’s only one person left
who could have broke him.
The person who has destroyed him.
The person who came back on the scene
and caused him to flee.
The person who did much more harm than good.
The one who stood
before a courtroom feeling
misunderstood.
“My mom.”
I needed to be the one to say it.
Terry nods her head.
The words may be true,
but my head can’t compute
what that means
for me.
I took so many falls
my dad’s hand split open my heart face
as he took every piece of my flesh
as he devoured me
from the inside out.
He took my childhood and womanhood in
the palm of his hand
and crushed me.
He pushed his sweaty body
against mine when I fought back
so I learned how to stand
frozen.
I learned the best way to
convince myself I was blind to it:
eyeswideshut
visionsofsixyearolddreams
princessandunicorns
sillyasitseems.
I could cope if I knew my suffering kept
HIM
SAFE
AND
SOUND
My Benji Boy is safe.
I whispered to myself
I can hold on
hold down the fort
pretend that I am float
ing
away to neverneverland.
But now.
Now I see that when I walked down
that deep dark hall
toward my father
leaving Benji in the dust
I always had a sense of trust
that I was doing well by him.
But in going down
the deep dark hall
I was leaving Benji
in the hands of
my mother.
My dad
was not the only
monster
in our house
of cards.
“Louisa, the termination of parental rights is happening in two days. Do you want to be there? Before she goes to court you would have the chance to say something to your mother.”
“I’m not going. I have to work that afternoon.”
“I’m sure Margot could rearrange your schedule, Louisa. I’d like you to think about being there. I think it will help you sort some things out in your mind.”
“I’ll think about it,” I say, more for her than for me.
I know one thing, I want to be as far
away from my mom as possible.
Because I can never forgive her for
breaking my
Benji Boy
my one and only joy
in life.
121.
I head to the 6-Spot
after school.
I don’t know what to do
where to go
what to feel
how to heal.
I am categorically a mess.
I don’t know what’s left.
Ms. Francine, Terry, Margot
all told me they’ll go with me.
Be with me.
Help me if I want to see
my mom
today.
I keep pushing them away.
I think it’s easier this way.
“What are you doing here, Louisa?” Toby says as I head in the back room, peeling off my gloves.
“Work. I work today. Like for three hours or something.”
“Or something? Louisa, Margot told me you weren’t allowed here today.”
“Why not? Is she firing me or something?” I ask, getting that deep-chest-panic, fast.
“What? Fired? No. You’re nuts. Margot would never fire you.”
“Why’s that, Toby?”
“Because we all adore you too much.”
He looks at me,
arms folded across his chest,
looking his best.
“Whatever. Did the new box of cleaning supplies come in? They were ordered last week.”
I try to walk past him,
ignore
him and his
niceties.
It’s too complex for me.
“You’re not going to clean a bathroom. Not today. You shouldn’t be here.”
“Fine.” I cave. “Where do you want me to go?”
“I don’t know your business, Louisa, I just know Margot said you weren’t supposed to be here and if you showed up I had to drive you away.”
“Away where?”
“She said you would know.”
He hands me my gloves, my hat.
He wraps a scarf around his neck.
Lifts my coat to my back
and forces me into it.
He switches the lights off,
then door locked,
ushers me out.
“You can’t just close the store, Toby.”
“Why not?”
“Because Margot will kill you.”
“Actually, I can do whatever I want. It’s my store.”
“What do you mean? You work here.”
“Yeah, because I own it.”
He smiles at my shocked face
as I look around the place
with a new lens.
I guess he really can tell me what to do.
I shake my head and follow him
to his car
knowing that I have nowhere to go but there.
122.
They’re standing in the empty hallway
when I walk in.
Toby let me off at the curb.
He told me to keep my chin
up,
to stay strong.
He said the fight isn’t worth it
if the battle isn’t long.
He is the first
kind
man
I’ve ever known.
Margot. Ms. Francine. Terry. The social worker guy.
Talking about the girl of the hour
the one they urged to show
up
and wouldn’t you know
I’m here.
“Well, you all win,” I say.
There is a collective sigh from the group.
I know they
don’t think my sarcasm is helpful.
But what am I supposed to do
but stay removed
from all this shit?
“No one’s winning,” Terry says, firmly. She continues, “The situation has turned. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you, but the termination trial has been cancelled for this afternoon.”
“Why would they cancel it?”
“Your mother still having a hearing, but she’s being tried for….” Terry hesitates, tears gathered in her eyes. “She’s being tried for child abuse, Louisa.”
My mind has gone blank, numb.
I remember seeing my dad in his
orange jumpsuit, cuffed,
black shoes.
I didn’t want to see him.
But for some reason I went there
once.
That bitch Jodie Lynn Cratchett
made me go.
It was before, before the trial and the verdict
I still remember when I heard it
twenty-five years no parole.
Jodie Lynn said I should go
and see my dad for one last time.
What a fucked-up thing to do to me
couldn’t anyone see there was a reason
we were taken away
in the first place?
“Louisa, did you hear Terry?”
Ms. Francine has her arm
stretched out
towards me.
“We don’t have to watch, it might be…too much for you.”
“No, I’m going in.”
I say it loud and clear
and as intense as the day feels.
People go to jail for the black and white
no one goes to jail for the gray.
That’s why she got away the first time
the time when Dad got put away.
But if things have changed
they have for a reason.
And I need to understand.
“Louisa, why don’t we pause and think about this,” Terry says.
“Why are you trying to protect me? I’m going in. I want to hear with my ears why she’s being convicted.”
I swing open the big wooden doors
people stop for a moment, heads turn.
I see her sitting in a chair, handcuffed.
She is:
Jumpsuit.
Stringy Hair.
Hollow Eyes.
Empty Stare.
She looks past me
or beyond me
not able to recognize me
as her firstborn
daughter
as her champion and fighter.