A Light Within

by Darlene Mindrup

  Finally he spoke, his face drawn tight with remembered pain.

  “I was away much of the time. Elizabeth was young, beautiful, full of life. I have learned since that beauty often hides an evil heart.”

  He looked her way, studying her in the dim light. Brianna squirmed under his scrutiny, wondering what he was thinking.

  “She married me, I think, for my position in Duke William’s court.” Sighing, he brushed his hands through his hair, leaving it in disarray. The room was now colder, and his breath was visible as he spoke. Brianna shivered, but Garek seemed oblivious.

  “While I was away on the duke’s business, it seems my wife found ways to keep herself occupied—one of them being a soldier in the duke’s army. They decided to run away together, back to his home in Flanders. It was not expected that I would return as soon as I did.”

  Finally, Garek noticed Brianna’s shivering form huddled against the room’s creeping cold. He crossed the room to retrieve a fur pelt from a pallet in the corner and wrapped it snugly around Brianna. Ignoring her thankful look, he sank back on his stool, his eyes taking on a distant look.

  “I returned the very day they fled. It took me some time to sort out the situation, but when I did, I went after them.” His eyes darkened to obsidian, the flames of the torch reflected in their depths. The words began to flow again; it was as though now that the door had been opened, nothing could keep them from flooding forth.

  “I caught up with them five miles outside the city. I can still see the look of horror on Elizabeth’s face when she spotted me behind them. Perhaps I looked like the Devil himself, for truly I meant to kill them both as soon as I caught them.”

  He stopped, reliving that day in his mind. Brianna’s soft voice brought his eyes back to where she sat on the stool before him. The only outward sign of her feelings was the slight tremble of her lips.

  “You say you killed them?”

  He continued to stare at her as though she were his only link with sanity. “They saw me coming and her. . .her lover spurred the horses into a run.” Garek snorted. “They thought their wagon could outdistance my steed. Instead, the wagon careened from one side of the road to the other, finally turning over with them beneath.” He finished softly, “They were dead when I reached them.”

  “But Garek,” Brianna cried. “It was no fault of yours.”

  He glared angrily back at her. “It was my fault they fled. It was my fault they were together in the first place. It was my fault they died, for if not for the wagon, I surely would have slain them.”

  Brianna got up and kneeled before him, earnestly pleading with her eyes.

  “You cannot know that for a certain.”

  “Yea,” he snarled angrily. “I can.”

  Brianna shook her head, her dark curls bobbing in her agitation. “It is not like the man I have come to know. I cannot believe you would have done such a thing.”

  Looking down at her kneeling before him, Garek knew suddenly what his other knights sought from this maid. Her faith made him want to stand a little straighter, be the man she thought he was. Yea, she made him feel like a man, not just a king’s pawn.

  He reached out, cupping her chin in his hand. His eyes found hers, and held. Though she didn’t pull away, he could see her eyes grow distant. Regardless of what she said, she didn’t trust him, he was sure. He dropped his hand and sat back.

  Brianna felt herself relax again. Every time Garek touched her, she felt things she didn’t understand. He frightened her in ways she couldn’t fathom, but she didn’t fear the man himself. He had been nothing but kind to her.

  She rose to her feet, looking down at Garek’s bent head. “God kept you from committing such a sin. You should be thankful.”

  Garek rose swiftly to his feet and Brianna stepped back. He barely glanced her way before turning to pace to and fro in the chamber.

  “It is no sin to slay a cheating wife!”

  “If you believed that to be so, you would not feel such guilt.”

  “You spoke to me once before of guilt. Is it the guilt of soldiers slain, or an unfaithful spouse?”

  “You said the dreams started but three years past?”

  “Aye!” Garek shoved his large hands through his rumpled hair.

  “And was that the time that your wife. . .that she died?”

  Nodding, Garek’s gaze raked her face. “You think the two are connected? Is it God’s way of punishing me for the sin I have committed?”

  Brianna’s eyes softened. “Nay. Perhaps it is God’s way of trying to gain your attention. You must forgive your wife and yourself so that God can forgive you.”

  Garek was growing angrier. “What say you? It is not an easy matter to forgive unfaithfulness.”

  “God knows that, Garek. He speaks of it all through His holy Word.” With some hesitation, Brianna crossed to his side. She had to make him see. “God’s chosen people were continually unfaithful to Him throughout history. Only when they were in trouble would they remember Him and call on Him to save them.”

  “I was always faithful to my wife. My vows were for life.”

  “But did you not also swear fealty to your king and to God Himself?” Brianna asked him.

  “Yea, and I have not been unfaithful to either.”

  Frustrated, Brianna tried to make him see himself in another way. “And was it God you served when you looted and killed and. . .and other such things?”

  His lips twitched in sudden amusement. “I have never raped a woman, Brianna. I have never had to.”

  Face red, Brianna held her ground. “Fornication is as much a sin as adultery. Both are deserving of death in the Lord’s eyes.”

  “I have told you before, I am a knight in the king’s service. I am not free to choose where and when I go nor what I do. Death is a part of my duties.”

  “Yea, Garek,” she told him, touching his arm. “But it is of forgiveness I speak. You must forgive yourself so that God can forgive you too.”

  Garek took her hand and lifted it to his lips, touching her fingers briefly with his kiss. She drew her breath in sharply. His eyes devoured hers as he attempted to absorb what she was trying to say. His mind was fogged by exhaustion, and he could see the tired droop of Brianna’s shoulders.

  Bending his head, he brought his lips softly against hers. “Go to bed, Brianna,” he told her.

  Needing no other bidding, she fled.

  ❧

  A shout from the watchtower sent Brianna and Mary to the doorway leading to the courtyard below. Loud words from the gatehouse indicated the gatekeeper knew the rider below, and eventually the drawbridge was lowered, allowing the horseman to proceed.

  Garek had taken to keeping the drawbridge raised after bands of raiders started raiding in the shire. Even now Garek and his men rode in search of the marauders.

  The rider pulled up at the steps leading to the manor, doffing his helm as he appraised the two maidens standing before him. A slow grin spread across his face, his green eyes growing lighter as they gained a merry sparkle.

  “Forsooth, had I known such a welcome would await me, I would have hastened instead of dawdling, as is my wont.”

  Brianna smiled slightly, recognizing the young man’s words as the foolery they were intended to be. The symbols on his shield proclaimed him a knight, and Brianna wondered what had brought the young man to their shire.

  Before she could ask, Mary pranced down the stairs and stood at the foot of the man’s steed. Her bright eyes laughed up at him. Recognizing the flirtatious look on her friend’s face, Brianna hastened to intervene. This knight, though young, looked to be more than even Mary could handle. His eyes roved boldly over the girl’s figure, and even from this distance Brianna could see the flash of desire in his eyes.

  “My lord is out patrolling the shire with some of his men,” Brianna told him. “Was it he you wished to see?”

  Without taking his eyes from Mary, the young man answered. “Aye. I bring a message from
King William.”

  Irritated at Mary’s refusal to recognize the danger to herself, Brianna rebuked her friend gently.

  “Mary, think you not that it would be best for you to return to preparing the noontide meal?”

  Mary’s eyes met Brianna’s and recognized the message flashing there. Shrugging, the young maid took herself into the keep with a last backward glance.

  The knight now studied Brianna thoughtfully. Her dress was a fine velvet, her brown curls confined in a snood. Was she the mistress of this castle? Had Sir Garek married again? She hardly seemed his type. He could remember Garek’s wife, her beauty and fire, and this lass had nothing like them to commend her.

  “Pray, come inside for a refreshing drink,” Brianna told him, turning to lead the way inside.

  Dismounting, he handed his reins to a servant and followed the maid inside. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the darkness after the bright light of the sun.

  “My lady, my name is Sir Hormis, late of Brittany. I would have a name to put to such a lovely lady as yourself.”

  Brianna smiled at the knight. “You have a smooth tongue, sir knight.” As his face colored, Brianna’s smile widened. “My name is Brianna.”

  “And are you. . .you are perhaps the lady of this manor?”

  It had probably seemed so to the young man, the way she had appeared to order Mary around. He could not know of the friendship between the two and how, often, neither had to speak a word for the other to understand some message between them.

  “Nay. I am but a servant here.”

  Looking immensely relieved, Sir Hormis followed Brianna to a table where she poured him a tankard of clear, cool water. Lifting it, he downed the contents without stopping. He handed the cup back to Brianna.

  “Many thanks, Brianna.”

  She took the cup from him. “Please make yourself comfortable until my lord returns. If you will excuse me, I must needs attend to the noontide meal with Mary.”

  Sir Hormis’s eyes followed Brianna as she crossed the room and entered the cooking chamber. He strained to see past her in hopes of gaining a glimpse of the bonny maid he had seen earlier. Disappointed, he settled back in his chair.

  Mary handed Brianna a trencher of meat. “I know what you are about to say,” Mary told her. “But do not berate me without just cause.”

  “Mary, you must needs be careful with these Norman knights. They have traveled far and have seen much. . .much hardship. They are looking for a little sport. I would not see you hurt.”

  Placing her hands on her hips, Mary smiled fondly at her friend. “I have known how to manage men from a young age. It is more likely you are the one who needs the warning. You leave the likes of these Normans to me.”

  “Mary!”

  Ignoring her, Mary hefted the platter of bread and handed it to Brom, the pantler. “Blow the horn, Adam,” she told the young man waiting beside her. Brianna kept any other comments to herself as she followed with the platter of meat.

  Before long another shout heralded the return of Garek and his men. Having worried about him all morning, Brianna hastened to the door, waiting for Garek to dismount.

  He strode past her and into the great room where the knights that had remained behind had gathered for their midday meal. He all but ignored Brianna. Seeing Sir Hormis, he stopped abruptly.

  “What, ho, Hormis! A sight for sore eyes you are!”

  Grinning, the young man rose and saluted his superior. “My liege, we have missed you sorely at King William’s court.”

  They thumped each other on the back, laughing and jesting with each other. Only Brianna noticed that Garek favored his right arm.

  “Milord,” she asked softly. “You are injured?”

  All eyes came to bear on the lord of the manor.

  “It is nothing,” he told her shortly. “Only a flesh wound.”

  “Shall I call for Alfred?”

  “Nay,” he told her roughly. “It is nothing, I say.”

  Hormis studied Garek speculatively. “You had a battle, Garek?”

  Garek’s eyes went swiftly to Brianna and away again. “Yea. We found the raiders that have been marauding our shire and those around us.”

  “Did you kill them?” the knight asked, and Brianna flinched at his eagerness.

  “Aye.”

  Brianna’s heart sank. She knew that in all probability Garek had had no choice, but still she wished there could be another way.

  As Brianna and Mary served the meal, Garek watched in amusement as Hormis tried to maneuver Mary into agreeing to a tryst with him after dark. His eyes followed the maid wherever she went.

  Garek’s amusement fled when Brianna took Mary’s place serving and the young knight continually tried to engage Brianna in conversation. He couldn’t know that Hormis was earnestly entreating Brianna to speak a word in his favor to Mary.

  Sir Bolson was less than pleased with the young knight also. As Mary flirted with Hormis, Bolson’s mood grew darker.

  “What brings you here?” Bolson asked the other knight.

  Hormis’s gaze reluctantly left Mary and turned to Bolson. “By my sword, I almost forgot. I have a message for you, Garek, from William.”

  The room grew quiet as all eyes turned to Hormis.

  “William bids you come to London. You, and you alone. Your men are to remain here to protect the land. King William has aught he wishes to discuss with you. I have no knowledge of what he is about, I only know that it is something personal.”

  Brianna’s heart sank. She saw Garek’s face become a bland mask and she realized he would never let anyone know what he was thinking. He was so very good at hiding his true feelings.

  “When am I to leave?”

  “He wants you in London by the new year.”

  Garek studied his drinking horn as though it would give him some inkling of what was about to happen. What did William want from him now?

  In a week it would be Christmas—one year since William’s coronation. And a week later, another new year. What would the year 1068 bring? Garek had grown tired of warring and wished for nothing more than to stay in this shire and live at peace.

  His eyes sought Brianna as she went about her duties. What will happen to her in my absence? He had a growing fondness for the wench and wished to see her protected. What was this feeling he had for the girl? It was not love. Nay, he had much experience of that in times past. He felt nothing like he had when he’d shared his life with various women. Nay, this was not love. Then what?

  When she would have passed by him, Garek reached out a hand and took Brianna by the wrist. He tugged her gently until she fell across his lap.

  Her eyes flew to his, questioning his motives. Garek stroked a hand up and down her arm as he turned to young Serin at his side. He struck up a conversation with the knight. When Brianna tried to rise, Garek kept her firmly in place.

  Alarmed, Brianna tried unsuccessfully to gain Garek’s attention. Realizing she could do nothing, she sat stiffly on his lap.

  His stroking fingers were doing funny things to her insides and she wished herself anywhere but where she was. What was his game, anyway?

  Mary entered the room, her eyes growing wide with surprise. Brianna threw her pleading looks, but there was nothing Mary could do.

  Before long, Brianna noticed many eyes turned her way and her face grew red. Garek continued to ignore her as he laughed with his comrades.

  Finally, Garek turned his attention back to Brianna. Her eyes were pleading for release but Garek was not finished yet.

  Pulling her face down to his, Garek kissed her thoroughly before his watching men. Brianna pulled back from him, her heart thundering in her chest. She searched his face for some clue to his madness but could find none, while Garek smiled slowly into her astonished eyes. Finally, he released her.

  Rising quickly, Brianna made her way rapidly from the room on legs that felt like jelly. Garek didn’t watch her leave. His eyes were on his men. They
looked from the fleeing Brianna to Garek and back again. Seeing the look in their eyes, Garek was satisfied. They would not bother the maid while he was gone. She would be safe from any unwanted attentions, for their fear of him was greater than their lust, and he had just marked the woman as his.

  ❧

  Garek stood—fists on hips, feet braced apart—glaring at the girl before him. For the past three days she had avoided him totally. Now she faced him boldly, her anger unmistakable.

  “Brianna, it is the only way!”

  “Nay! I will not let you do it!”

  Never had Garek seen Brianna in a temper. Her soft blue eyes turned to a deep sapphire, flashing in her anger. Her long brown curls were thrown back over her shoulder, and she gently clutched a tiny pup in her hands.

  He had recently been adding hounds to the castle to be used for hunting, and one female came bearing a litter of pups.

  The bright color in Brianna’s cheeks and the angry sparkle in her eyes only enhanced her appearance, in Garek’s way of thinking. Once again he tried to reason with her. “The pup cannot survive without his mother’s milk. It is better that he die quickly than starve to death.”

  Tears came swiftly to her eyes. “There must be something we can do! How can a mother turn from her own blood?”

  Garek reached for Brianna, intent on comforting her, but she hastily stepped away, thinking he meant to take the pup from her.

  “Nay, I tell you!”

  Brianna snuggled the small creature close against her bosom. She felt the pain of his rejection as though it were her own. Hadn’t her own father disowned her in much the same way?

  Brianna glared angrily at the mother dog, who was lying in the rushes oblivious of what was happening. The dog gently licked the pups that nuzzled her for their meal.

  The dog had chosen this pup to die because she knew she could only feed a certain number, and hers was a large litter. Since this pup was the smallest and least likely to survive, she had pushed it away from her.

  “Brianna.”

  She turned back to Garek. She faced him without fear, aware that he was fast losing patience with her.