With Me

by Gabbie S. Duran

  I continue hugging her against my chest, wanting to hold her close to me. My heart refusing to acknowledge that I’m soon going to leave.

  “When will I see you again, daddy?”

  I pull her away to look at her. “I’ll try to come back in a couple of months, princess. If I can’t come then, I’ll be here for Christmas for sure. I’m not going to miss my first Christmas with you,” I tell her almost at a whisper. The thought of knowing how many holidays I’ve missed with her makes me more determined to be here.

  Her lips start to tremble. Her eyes quickly tear up and my heart shatters seeing her this way. I cradle her head in my palms, trying to calm her from crying. She wraps her arms around my neck as she tugs me tighter and I return her embrace, holding her against my chest, refusing to loosen my hold. I’ve only just found this little girl. A little girl who is a part of me and I have to leave her. I hate it.

  Fighting the pain I feel in my chest, I brush her hair away from her face so I can better look at her. “We’ll be able to talk every day, no matter what. I might not be able to hold you like I’m doing right now, but we’ll be able to see each other. You’ll be able to tell me about your day and I’ll tell you about mine. We’ll talk every night. I’ll make sure of it,” I whisper to her.

  She nods her little head in understanding. “I love you, daddy, and I’ll miss you so much,” she whispers back to me, the pain of hearing the words piercing my heart.

  Pulling her back to continue comforting her, I say, “I love you, too, princess. Don’t you ever forget that,” as I fight back my tears.

  She eventually falls asleep in my arms, and although I don’t want to let her go, I do. I tuck her in under the covers, kissing her one last time on her temple, savoring the feeling of her soft head against my lips. The pain is tearing at my heart. I fight to keep myself from crying as I stand up, taking one last glance down at her as I walk away.

  I make my way over to Kasey’s workstation where I see her pouring a new batch of scented liquid into molds. The aroma is taking over, as I get closer to her. She hears me approaching and looks up at me, her face looking sympathetic, but goes back to her pouring. I stand at the workbench. My arms stretch down onto the wooden table as I watch her concentrating on how much to pour into each container, her eyes narrowing down to make sure it reaches the precise amount. She finishes pouring the last of the batch, placing the pot into a giant sink near the wall, and washes her hands before coming over to my side. Slightly turning my body to look at her, I see her wringing her hands in her apron, looking nervous and skittish.

  “Did she take it okay?” she quietly asks me. I was barely able to hear her question. It had come out more of a shaky whisper than a question.

  I nod my head. “I think so. I don’t know who it’s going to hurt more that I’m leaving. I hate knowing I have to leave you again, but I have to do it,” I explain, feeling the need to plead my case. “I felt guilty doing it the first time and it feels worse having to do it again,” I guiltily say, dropping my head down to look at the floor.

  I feel her place her hand on my shoulder, drawing my eyes to look at her. “Joseph, you leaving the first time wasn’t your fault. We both knew you were leaving the next morning and I made the decision to give myself to you that night. We were young and yes, we should have been more responsible and used protection. You couldn’t have known that I was pregnant when you left. I don’t blame you for leaving. I never did, but I don’t regret the outcome. I got the most precious gift that I could have ever asked for from it. I was blessed with Josephina.”

  I listen to her words. Absorbing them, I still feeling guilty for leaving her the first time. No matter what she says, it won’t ever change how I feel about that night. As I’m about to respond to her words, I feel my phone vibrate in my back pocket. I don’t need to look at the screen to know who it is, but I’m not going to pull the phone out in front of Kasey. Ignoring the vibration, I hug Kasey one last time and tell her I’ll text her tomorrow, so they both know I made it back safely.

  We say our goodbyes and then I’m in Mark’s car driving away from Kasey’s building. I still feel like shit as I drive further away. Kasey may not blame me for leaving her the first time, or this time around, but it doesn’t matter. I still feel so much guilt. Leaving both of them for the second time is tearing me apart. I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but I have to. All I can do now is find a way to make it up to them.

  THE MORNING BEFORE Joseph left all those years ago, I had silently cried to myself most of the night. I remember my body being entangled with his as I lay next to his warm body. I had lied awake, draped across his chest, dreadfully waiting for morning to come, as I quietly listened to his heart beating in my ear, tears slowly flowing down my cheeks.

  I didn’t sleep at all that night. He assumed I was asleep when he quietly snuck out of my room, but I couldn’t bear to watch him leave. It hurt knowing he was leaving back then and it was hurting to know he was going again.

  It hurt worse than the first time.

  He had a fiancée now, someone else who owned his heart. I knew I shouldn’t be allowing myself to feel this way. I had no right to be pinning for him like I did the first time.

  It was another reason why I forced myself to let go, to watch him walk away this time. It hurt to see him walk out the door tonight, but I had to let him go. He was never mine to begin with, nor would he ever be in the future.

  It still didn’t take the pain away, though. No, the pain felt ten times worse this time. I had a little girl to share the pain with me. The thought of knowing she would be feeling the same pain as I am is tearing my heart apart. I had hopes last time that I would see him soon. Although it never happened, I was left with hope, but now I’d only see him because of Josephina; he belongs to someone else.

  I wasn’t going to allow myself to cry this time. I’m stronger this time around. I knew if I was able to watch him walk away once, I could do it again. I had to stay strong for both Josephina’s sake and my own.

  I WOKE UP this morning, already dreading what the day would be like. I knew I would have to keep Josephina occupied, so she wouldn’t think too much about Joseph leaving, especially when she first woke up. But I didn’t have the chance. The first question from her lips when she awoke was, “Has he left yet?” her eyes desperately begging me to tell her no, but when I answered her with a “yes,” the loss was evident on her face.

  Although I was trying my best to be stronger this time around, it was proving difficult to do, but I kept my head held high. I forced a smile on my face as I kept us entertained throughout the day. I saw it in her eyes, though. Every time she looked at me, I knew how badly she was hurting inside, because I was hurting too.

  Knowing I needed to get my batches made for the upcoming week, I had her help me in an effort to keep her little mind distracted. Before we knew it, the sun had set and she was growing more anxious, hoping Joseph would call.

  As I was cooking dinner she constantly kept checking her iPad for any missed calls, which would have been impossible because she kept the thing at her side, refusing to let it go. It wasn’t until we were done with dinner that the much-awaited call finally came through. The smile on her face as she slid her little finger across the screen to answer the call was all it took to make my pain from the day disappear.

  “Hi daddy!” she excitedly answers into the screen as I walk over to take a seat next to her.

  Looking down at the screen, I see Joseph. He looks exhausted, but just as quickly a smile forms on his lips with a hint of glee in his eyes, as he stares back at Josephina. He’s lying back against what looks like a headboard, his arm behind his head emphasizing his large bicep as he relaxes against it. “Hey there, princess. What did you do today?”

  Knowing how much Josephina can carry on a conversation, I leave so I can continue cleaning up the kitchen from dinner, giving them their privacy. Thirty minutes later they’re ending their little chat, with the insistence from Joseph tha
t Josephina get into the shower and ready for bed. Although she’s disappointed, I catch her yawning and already know why he insisted. With the promise of speaking tomorrow, she ends the call and I take her to the bathroom to wash her up.

  After her shower, I tuck her into bed and wish her a goodnight.

  I’m about to fall asleep myself, my eyes already drifting closed, when I hear ringing coming from the iPad. Confused, I go to pick it up, noticing it’s Joseph calling again. I reluctantly answer the call, thinking he wishes to speak to Josephina once more, contemplating ignoring it, but instead I give in and answer.

  As soon as his face appears on the screen, I immediately say without hesitation, “She’s asleep, Joseph.” It comes out closely to a whisper, since I don’t wish to wake Josephina up.

  Although he’s in the same position as earlier, the first thing I notice is he’s now shirtless and his hair looks wet, as if he also just took a shower. He still looks tired, making me wonder why he’s really calling.

  “I would hope she’s asleep, it’s past her bed time,” he says with a mischievous smile.

  “Then why are you calling?” I watch as he shrugs his shoulder. His expression worries me. He looks disappointed with my response. “Is something wrong, Joseph?”

  He shakes head. “No, nothing’s wrong, I just wanted to talk. That’s if you’re not tired,” he hesitantly adds.

  The thought that he was calling to speak to me both confuses and excites me at the same time, but from how exhausted he looks, I feel guilty wanting to talk.

  “No, I’m not that tired, but you look it. Are you sure you want to talk? Or is there something you needed to discuss that can’t wait until tomorrow?” I carefully ask, worrying at the same time.

  He quickly responds, “I’m not too tired. I just wanted to talk to you. Tell me about your day,” he states with a smile, the worry fading from my mind.

  At his insistence I tell him. “I wrapped up my projects needed for the rest of the week earlier today with Josephina’s help. I think she made more of a mess than help, but she always enjoys working with me. If she wasn’t my daughter, I would’ve fired her a long time ago,” I jokingly tell him.

  He chuckles, making me smile with him. I take in how carefree his smile now looks. “Yeah, she told me how you had her working like a slave today,” he says with a teasing smile.

  I gawk back at him, but just as quickly realize he’s going along with the joke by the teasing look in his expression. “Well, slave or not, it was the only way I could think of to distract her from focusing on you being gone,” I tell him, realizing how hurtful the words must have sounded the moment after I say them.

  His once gleeful smile has now turned somber and I’m soon duplicating his expression, now regretting I said the words. “I’m sorry, Kasey. I know how hard it must be on her. It was hard getting on the plane this morning knowing I had to leave,” he says, his voice dropping low and raspy.

  The pain is clear in his voice, and being able to see the pain on his face doesn’t make it easier for me. Seeing just how hard it was for him as well made me feel selfish thinking Josephina and I were the only ones hurting. I’d never once considered how much it was going to hurt Joseph to leave. It was obvious he was hurting too. This wasn’t easy on any of us.

  Knowing it was best to change the subject, I start to tell him about the upcoming project I had planned involving expanding the scents I had for the bath salts. Ironically, the more we spoke, the more I noticed how easy it was to have a conversation with him, like in the past. The whole time he was attentive to my conversation, seeming interested and being responsive. It felt like when we were young all over again. When he would occasionally walk me home and the entire time we’d carelessly laugh and tease each other, making me miss those days. My days have felt lonely since then.

  An hour later, we both stifle our yawns and end the call. As I’m about to fall asleep, I hear the ping of a text message on my phone. Picking it up, I immediately notice the message is from Joseph.

  Joseph: I forgot to ask you to give my little princess a kiss from me. Can you do it?

  Kasey: Of course

  Joseph: I already miss you girls so much.

  His message takes me by surprise. I never expected him to say he missed the both of us. Josephina yes, but to include me as well… I was left in shock. Thinking maybe he didn’t really mean to say the both of us, but not wanting to sound greedy with wanting clarification if he really meant it, I simply ignore it and give Josephina her promised kiss from Joseph. Getting myself comfortable, my once tired state is now gone as I lay there wondering if he really meant those words the way they were written. I pick up the phone and open up the text message he sent, staring at it.

  I miss him dearly already myself, but I know I can’t tell him that. I would only be sending him mixed signals, or sound like an idiot if he didn’t really intend to say those specific words. Knowing he’s engaged makes me push my feelings aside, especially since someone else will soon own his heart forever.

  I HEAR MY phone ringing. I already have a pretty good idea who it is. When I look at the screen and see that it’s Joseph, I push the ignore button as I grumble to myself. I don’t want to speak to him right now. I’m still harboring the resentment that’s been building up over the weekend, especially since he’s now deciding to call.

  It’s Sunday evening. The weekend having come and gone without a phone call or FaceTime call from him until now. The last time Josephina spoke to him was Thursday evening. As usual, he’d promised to call the next night, just like he had been doing every night since he’d left. Only he never did call.

  At first I had thought he’d merely forgotten, hoping he would make it up to her by calling in the morning, but he didn’t. She had gone all day Friday trying to call him instead, but he never did answer. The poor thing was watching the iPad all day with longing eyes, waiting for his call. It hurt to see her full of disappointment as I laid her down to sleep that night and still did not receive an answer. I grew worried about him not following through with his promises at first, but I was convinced that Joseph wouldn’t give Josephina false hope through empty promises.

  Josephina had kept insisting that I call him to make sure he was okay. I was just as worried as she was. So I finally gave in and called him on his phone Saturday afternoon after the Farmers Market, but as before, we didn’t receive an answer. The call went straight to his voicemail. I was worried after that, until I received a text message a couple of hours later stating he would call when he could. I immediately grew angry as the realization hit me that he was ignoring our phone calls. I should’ve known he wouldn’t keep his promise, but I was the idiot for believing him.

  I didn’t tell Josephina the truth, of course. Instead I told her he was probably not answering because he had to work. My answer made her sad, but she accepted it without any further questions, which made me angrier with him. How can he think it was okay to promise her something and not keep his word?

  When she started moping around the building, I couldn’t take it anymore. This morning when we woke up, I decided to get her out of the house to help distract her from waiting for him to call.

  Apparently, now that it’s the end of the weekend, he decides he wants to talk to her. Well, he was going to be the one waiting, because I was not going to give him the satisfaction of waking her up to speak to him. My mission for the day had worked. She was both distracted and exhausted by the time we finally ended the day, which made me happy. She had only asked twice if he had called, but I was able to quickly distract her after answering her with a quick “No.”

  Pulling into my driveway and taking a sleeping Josephina out of my car, I head inside and tuck her into bed. While I’m giving her a kiss I hear the phone ringing, growing irritated as I did earlier. I grab for the phone and quickly remove myself from the bedroom area to the farthest end of the building. I don’t want to risk waking Josephina up when I speak to Joseph.

  “She’s alr
eady asleep,” I snap at him in frustration as I answer the phone, not bothering with a simple "Hello" when I answered.

  “I’m sorry, I forgot about the time difference. I’ll remember for next time,” he casually says as my anger builds up inside of me.

  I can hear the tiredness and exhaustion in his voice when he tells me, but it doesn’t stop me from snapping back at him. “Fine, I’ll tell her you called,” I clip out, ready to end the call. I’m unable to when I can hear him quickly pleading, “Please, Kasey, don’t hang up on me. I really am sorry.” The desperation in his voice making me pause and feel guilty for snapping at him.

  My mind is torn between staying mad at him and wanting to hear his explanation. Needing to know why he’s barely calling, sighing I tell him, “Joseph, you haven’t called all weekend and she’s been waiting to speak to you the entire time. You can’t do that to her. I won’t allow you to hurt her like that.”

  I hear him heavily sigh on the other end of the phone. “I’m really sorry about not calling Josephina. She’s all I kept thinking about all weekend, I swear,” he states, sounding frustrated. “I went to Vegas to see Elizabeth, so I could finally tell her about Josephina. She didn’t take it too well at first, but I think I got her to come around,” he declares.

  Although he’s stated it, I can tell by the tone in his voice he’s not telling the truth, but I’m not going to argue with him now. I don’t have the energy to do so. I already knew she wasn’t going to take the news well at first, so it didn’t surprise me he was masking her reaction.

  He tries to further explain, “She took advantage of me being there to help her make some last minute decisions for the wedding. I was busy pretty much from the moment I got there until the moment I left. I just got back a little while ago. I tried calling you, but you didn’t answer and I started to get worried.”