by Lolita Files
We were required to walk arm and arm with each other.
For me, just being near him again was enough to make my heart soar.
Dandre held on to my arm like it could have been attached to anybody. Like it wasn’t attached to anybody.
I marched alongside him, step by step, listening for the beat of his heart, a grunting noise, something to indicate that he cared.
I got no signs from him.
Once we made it up to the altar, he broke away from me and moved to the side, planting himself to the far right of Rick, who cut his eyes at me real quick, then just as quickly looked away.
I knew that Rick had already come to a conclusion about me. As much as Misty insisted that he was staying out of whatever it was that was going on between me and Dandre, I knew he wasn’t.
How could he?
Dandre had been his boy for almost as long as Misty had been my girl. When you have a friendship that spans that amount of time, at some point it transcends the ordinary and turns into a love that is amost identical to that of family concern.
I knew Dandre had talked about me to Rick, and that Rick had offered him advice.
But it would be crazy of me to think that advice included him telling Dandre to give me another chance.
I mean, what brother would encourage his best friend to get back together with a woman he’d caught naked with a white man?
Shoot, with any man, for that matter!!
Brothers didn’t play when it came to that mess, and I can’t say as I blame them on that one either. I had zero tolerance when it came to infidelity.
So why wasn’t I able to apply my standards to myself?
If I’d walked in on Dandre butt-nekked with a white girl, I’m sure Misty would have encouraged me to get away from him as fast as I could.
Not that I would have needed her advice, if I’d caught Dandre in some mess like that.
He woulda been missing a testicle. I woulda bagged one-a dem bad boys as a souvenir, that’s for sure. I woulda fucked up his shit sumthin’ lovely.
Then I would have treated him like the kryptonite that he was, and stayed as far away from him as a negress could get.
No ifs, no ands, no buts about it.
So I knew that Rick had advised him to do just as much when it came to me. And I knew that it had nuthin’ to do with whether Rick liked me or not.
It was just a matter-of-fact thing that needed to be done. No question about it.
In the words of Brand Nubian…
“… a hoe is just a hoe, and that’s without no controversy…”
How could I contest it? I couldn’t say a damn thang in support of myself.
We stood there awkwardly, as the rest of the bridesmaids and groomsmen made their way up the aisle.
I could hear my blood rushing through my veins as I did my damnedest to not acknowledge Dandre’s presence so very near mine.
It was like trying to ignore the sun.
During high noon.
Vixen, a soror of mine that I hadn’t seen in more than eight years, sang a beautiful version of Maxwell’s “Whenever, Wherever, Whatever.”
(That was my influence at work there.)
When she finished, the pianist played the first few bars of “Here Comes the Bride.”
Everyone in the church rose and turned in Misty and her father’s direction.
Mr. Fine was decked in a dark gray suit with a pink cummerbund. It went quite well with his dark brown skin.
Misty was so lovely, the way she floated up that aisle, her dark eyes gleaming brightly through her veil.
Rick was beaming like he was the happiest man alive. His eyes were glistening as he watched his woman waft so heavenly his way.
I’d never seen a man look that way at another woman before. I guess brother was feeling a bomb-ass kinda love. Something I might have, up to this minute, refused to believe a brother could truly feel for anybody but himself.
Once again, I was finding myself wrong about a person. Misty told me Rick was a good man. I’d been so insistent upon shooting him full of holes, that I never once looked for any of the good in him.
I cut my eyes at the ground, embarrassed at how mean-spirited my thoughts had been over the past few months. I’d misjudged so many things, and not recognized so much of the beauty that I’d been blessed to be surrounded with.
When I looked up again, Dandre’s eyes and mine met briefly.
My heart danced a momentary jig. I knew he couldn’t help but see the hopeful look that flitted briefly across my face.
I, in turn, saw nothing but death and indifference in his. As if I were the last person he’d ever want to be near or know. In that nanosecond of time, I was able to capture a message so odious, so loud and clear, that it would ring in my head for the rest of the day.
I looked away, over toward Misty’s mom.
Mrs. Fine, a pleasantly plump little yellow woman, was there in a beautiful soft pink dress made out of chiffon. She was sitting up front in the first pew on the left, all smiles.
She was thrilled that her daughter was finally getting hitched.
Tyrone and Tyrene and Grandma Tyler had come back into town for this. They were sitting a few rows behind Mrs. Fine.
Of course, Tyrone and Tyrene’s expressions were their usual stoic fare.
Grandma Tyler, however, was beaming happily.
Dandre and I were seated next to each other at the reception.
He didn’t say anything to me the whole time.
I didn’t attempt to make conversation. For once, I didn’t know what to say.
The two of us sat there and watched Misty and Rick take their very first dance.
They danced to “Forever in My Life” by The Artist. It was an extremely popular song for weddings, but Rick was a Prince/The Artist fan from way back, and insisted that this be the song they cut their first connubial rug to.
He held Misty’s waist gently and twirled her around the room, singing loudly and shamelessly to her in front of the crowd.
Misty was all teeth as she grinned at her new husband.
When the song was over, they glided back over to their seats.
“The next song is for the maid of honor and the best man,” Darryl, the deejay, announced.
He played the record. The crowd let out an ooooooooh.
It was “…’Til the Cops Come Knockin’ “ by Maxwell.
I expected Dandre to protest, but he didn’t.
He stood, pulled out my chair, took my hand, and led me out onto the dance floor.
The music flooded the room like a tidal wave.
“Didn’t you dig the way I rubbed your back, girl? Wasn’t it cool when first I kissed your lips?”
What kind of cruel shit was this?
Dandre held me tightly around the waist, and had his right palm pressed firmly to mine. I could feel every nerve in my body as I moved with him across the floor.
I wondered what he was thinking. His mouth was so close to my ear, I could feel his breath warming the surface of my skin.
I pressed my body closer to his, hoping to touch his soul, as well as his heart. My own heart was beating wildly beneath my flesh. I wanted Dandre to feel the effect he had on me. I wanted him to know how much I cared.
When I moved closer to him, he instinctively pulled away. He made some kind of resistant grunt and cut his eyes darkly at me.
I don’t remember much more about that dance, other than the fact that I found it embarrassing.
However, I could never forget that barren look in his eye as he moved away from me with such haste.
Like there was nothing there, and nothing ever would be.
Like I had dropped a nuclear bomb on whatever it was that had once been vibrant and alive in him, and now all that remained was devastation and waste.
It made my heart grow tight.
And left me teary-eyed for what would be the rest of the day.
I must have run to the bathroom a hundred times or mo
re during that reception.
My nerves were shot and my stomach was tor’ up.
My heart was absolutely crushed at the fact that Dandre didn’t want to have anything, period, to do with me anymore.
Misty and Rick sat at the head table, smiling, happy, kissing every time the guests tapped their glasses with their utensils.
They were so beautiful and natural together, that it made me feel like a fool for ever wanting to try to tear them apart.
People were on the floor, dancing up a storm. The deejay was playing a nice mixture of hip-hop, seventies old school, and new school/retro R&B.
I eased my way through the crowd and disappeared into the bathroom again.
When I finished emptying my already-exhausted innards, I went to the sink and washed my hands first, then turned off the hot water, and let the cool remain on and course over my hands.
I leaned down close to the sink and splashed some soothing water on my face. I glanced up at my reflection.
I looked so tired, so unhappy. My skin had a pallid, almost leathery hue that made me appear, as Shakespeare said, “sicklied o’er with the pale cast of thought.”
So many things were changing for me. I didn’t have anybody to love. I might not even have a job anymore, for all I knew, even though Helmut’s threat had proved empty to date. My best friend had just moved on to another level in her life, so I had no idea how that was going to affect my relationship with her.
For Misty, she was standing on the threshold of a whole new limitless frontier.
For me, I was standing at the brink of hell, and its jaws were yawning wide, beckoning me to drop my little yellow ass on in and feel the fire.
I walked out of the bathroom, smack dab into the sound of a couple of voices that I knew quite well.
“I’m ‘bout to break, dog. A nigga done had his fill.”
“Why you goin’ so soon? You ain’t gon’ stay and see us off? You done made it this far, won’t you just come on and hang?”
“Naw, man. It’s killing me to even sit next to her like that, you know? Sistah’s straight trash. I hate her so much, I just wanna fuckin’ spit in her eye.”
My heart plummeted. Did a straight vertical drop. All the way down to the very bottom of my little corn-covered, barely-had-a-nail-on-it-big-enough-to-paint left pinky toe.
“You don’t hate her, man,” Rick said sympathetically. “You’re just feeling a lotta anger right now. That’s all.”
I had to respect Rick for that. I really appreciated him being logical and fair. It would have been much too easy for him to dis me just to please his boy, but he didn’t choose to go that route.
“I do hate her, man,” Dandre insisted. “I showed that sistah nuthin’ but love, told her all my personal shit, and gave her access to damn near everything that was me. And look at what she did. She ain’t human, bruh. Wouldn’t no human do some shit like that.”
I heard Dandre pause.
“Naw, man. Wouldn’t no human being do some shit like that. I don’t know what she is, but whatever she turns out to be, and I personally think it’s Satan, I don’t want her sittin’ next to me for one minute longer.”
“I hear ya, bruh,” Rick sighed. “Well, I ain’t mad at cha. If you gotta go, you gotta go. I’ll tell Misty. I’m sure she’ll understand. You stuck here with me through the hard part, so you know you straight with me for doin’ that.”
“Yeah, man. You know you my nigga. I ain’t gon’ just be leavin’ you in the lurch. Muthafuck a hoe.”
I heard the two men embrace and pat each other on the back.
“A’ight, man,” Rick said. “I’ll be checkin’ in with you. Maybe I’ll holler at you from the ship.”
“Naw, nigga. You know how much those damn ship-to-shore phone calls cost? Sometimes they’re almost twenty dollars a minute! Be wit’ your lady, man. You can hit me when you’re back on dry land.”
“But that’s a month from now. You sure you gon’ be a’ight? You’on need nuthin’?”
“I’m straight, dog,” Dandre said. “Handle your business. You’re a married man now.”
“True dat,” Rick chuckled. “She’s beautiful, ain’t she?”
“Yeah, man. Ol’ Misty was a vision coming down that aisle. Treat her right. You got one-a the good ones.”
“Don’t I know it.”
I stood there like a mute as their voices drifted away. It was as if someone had just poured a bottle of Liquid Drano down my throat and cleaned me out of everything I had inside.
From the rooter to the tooter.
Damn. He loathed me so much, he didn’t even want to sit next to me.
That was some powerful hate. I knew I’d done some damage, but I had no idea that it had cut that deep and to that degree.
I waited a few minutes before I walked back into the room.
I saw Dandre standing next to Misty, apparently deciding to say his goodbyes to her directly.
She spotted me as I lingered around the fringes of the crowd. She gestured to the deejay to give her the mike.
It passed through a few hands until it landed her way.
“Could you turn that down for a quick minute, Darryl?” Misty asked the deejay. “I’d like to make a toast to someone in my life who’s very special to me.”
Darryl the deejay paused the music for a minute.
“Speech, speech!” the crowd called out.
“Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiickkk!” some loud-ass fool somewhere in the back shouted.
“No,” Misty chuckled. “This toast ain’t for my baby.”
The rest of the room laughed. There were a smattering of uh ohs, damn dogs, and so-soons that went around the room.
“No, no, no!” Misty laughed. “Don’t y’all be trying to start nuthin’ already! I plan to spend the rest of my life toastin’ this man…”
The men barked and pumped their fists in the air.
“Dawgggggggg!” someone yelled.
“… as long as he spends the rest of his life toastin’ me!” she added.
The women cheered, and a few you go, girls flew around the room.
“But seriously, y’all,” Misty continued. “This toast is for someone very special in my life. Someone who’s been there for me through thick and thin, good and bad. And even though we fight, I still love her like a play cousin.”
Everybody burst out laughing.
A smile began to creep across my face.
“No, y’all,” she said. “On the real, though. This is to my girl. My sistah. My nizigga for life.”
I couldn’t believe she said nizigga with all them white people in the room. That was straight-up Rick’s influence. Misty had a lot of white friends, and she was usually careful about not mixing her professional and personal diction. There were even people there from Burch.
But, now that I think about it, they probably didn’t get what she meant.
“This lady’s got so much love in her, if they broke her up in chunks and sprinkled her around the world, no one would ever feel lonely or unloved again. She’s had my back for years.”
My eyes began to fill up.
“She’s fierce, loyal, and strong on every count. They just don’t make ’em like Reesy Snowden anymore.”
Misty smiled at me from across the room.
“So raise ’em up, y’all,” she beamed. “Put ’em up high for my girl. Here’s to Teresa Snowden. Ain’t no love like a sistah’s love, baby!!!”
Everyone had turned toward me and raised their glasses. A waiter came by and handed me one.
I raised it.
“To you, girl!!” Misty declared.
I nodded back in her direction and took a sip.
As everyone took sips of champagne, I noticed Dandre doing his best to ease out of the reception hall.
He was very quiet about it. He didn’t even look back to acknowledge Misty’s words. Other than me, I think the only other person who noticed him making moves to leave was Rick.
Rick glanced
over my way, his expression a little sad. I guess he kinda felt for me. More than anything, though, he commiserated with his friend.
And, obviously, the last thing his friend wanted to be doing was toasting my skanky ass.
I needed to do something to keep from falling apart.
“May I make a toast as well?” I called out.
Misty smiled.
“Could you pass her the mike, please?” she whispered to a man standing in front of her table.
The man took the mike from her and it passed from hand to hand, until it made its way to me.
I took it and sucked in a deep breath at the same time.
I glanced around the room quickly for Dandre, but didn’t see him anywhere. There was a tall, skinny brown-skinned brother now standing in the place where he had been.
I guess he was officially gone, and I was now officially unattached.
So now my man was gone. On top of that, my girl was about to bounce.
There I was, surrounded by a crowd of people, in a room thick with family and friends, and feeling lonelier than I’d ever been in my life.
My voice was small when I spoke.
“I want to make a toast to Rick and Misty. They have a love that is strong… a lot stronger than the naked eye could ever see, and I’m happy my girl finally found someone who can love her the way she deserves to be loved.”
Misty beamed and looked over at Rick. Rick’s face was a mixture of surprise and appreciation.
“Misty has been here for me through a good chunk of my life. We grew up together, went to college together, pledged together …”
Random skee-wees, my sorority’s signature call, erupted around the room.
“We’ve had each other’s back for so long,” I continued, “that it’s automatic. I don’t know how to do anything else. She’s never really realized it… probably because I’ve never really told her before, but she’s truly my role model. I look up to her as a standard of excellence. I learn more and more from her with each day that passes.”
Misty’s hand was clasped over her mouth in surprise. I could tell from that gesture that she was about to cry.
“I-I know this is a mighty long toast… ,” I stammered, my throat now thick with emotion, “… and I know I’m starting to ramble a little, but I w-w-wanted to let her know how much I love her and appreciate her for being such a strong force in my life.”