by Lolita Files
I stopped to catch my breath, trying desperately not to cry.
“Miss Divine has meant more to me than she can ever realize. She’s kept me from falling apart many a time, simply because she believed in me.”
Misty was now rushing across the room. Her eyes were streaming with tears.
She threw her arms around my neck in a tight embrace.
“Girl!!” she choked. “You know I love you, right?”
“I know,” I said, tears falling heavily upon my cheeks. “I know, I know, I know… ”
We stood like that in the middle of the floor, my body racked with sobs, her patting my back and us rocking from side to side like we were about to be separated for life.
I was crying for a lot of reasons. For her and her happiness, for me and my pathetic state, for the loss of Dandre.
Misty knew that, and she stood there, comforting me for them all, on this—her wedding day.
Even on her wedding day, she was willing to deal with my drama. Damn.
The sorors gathered in a circle around us, preparing to sing the sorority hymn to Misty. This was a long-standing tradition that Misty had been looking forward to for years.
She was virtually oblivious to it now, so caught up was she in the emotion of our moment.
For me, it was a welcoming sight to see them surround us.
My heart was so heavy it hurt.
The sorors stood around us, holding hands and swaying.
Misty was still clutching me close. I glanced over her shoulder. I could see Dandre staring at me from across the room.
I thought he was gone. Apparently he wasn’t.
The look on his face was not one of sympathy or compassion for me and what I was feeling.
It was one of flat-out disbelief. Like he thought I was the biggest actress in the world.
He turned abruptly and walked out of the reception hall.
The sorors were singing the hymn loud and strong.
“Oh, Alpha Kappa Alpha! Dear Alpha Kappa Alpha!”
Misty was now singing along with them as she held me close.
I didn’t feel like joining in.
As I watched Dandre’s back move further and further away, all I wanted to do was just lay down and moan.
ONE MONKEY DON’T STOP NO SHOW
Two days after Misty and Rick’s wedding, the shit hit the fan.
The Times carried a small comment in the Arts & Leisure section. The Village Voice had a nasty little dishonorable mention. And the Post actually had the nerve to dedicate a quarter-page article to my nasty little deeds. The Daily News ran a photo of me as Mimosa next to their item.
It must have been a piss-poor news week in New York City, I tell ya.
As if anybody cared or gave a damn about whoever the hell Reesy Snowden was.
I sat at home in bed that morning with a stack of the papers strewn alongside me. I had been waiting, checking for days, to see if Helmut would carry out his threat. I had gotten up early this particular day and gone down to the corner newsstand to check again.
Julian was the first one to call.
I stared at the caller ID box, deciding whether to pick up the phone or not.
I may as well. I’d have to face him sooner or later.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey,” he replied curtly.
“What’s up?” I asked with nonchalance.
“You read the papers?”
“I seen ’em.”
Julian was quiet for a minute. So was I.
“So you weren’t gonna call nobody?” he said finally. “How’d all these papers find out about this?”
“Sources, I suppose.”
No way could I admit that I’d been fucking Helmut. It was moot to tell anybody at this point anyway.
“Is it true?” he asked.
“S’pose it is?” I returned.
Julian sighed.
“I suspected as much. But I ain’t mad at cha. Ain’t none of us here no saints.”
Wow. That was an unexpected comment, but it was a relief to hear.
“I got a call from Gordon a few minutes ago,” he said. “Helmut and Gustav wanna back out. They don’t want the association.”
Hmmph! Obviously, ol’ Helmut was a man of his word.
I didn’t say anything in response.
“There goes our chance at Broadway anytime soon,” Julian lamented. “Which is kinda fucked up, because we’d gotten all that press and hype about the show being moved to the Great White Way.”
“Yeah, well. Sorry I fucked it up for y’all.”
My eyes were once again filling up with tears. This was jacked up. I was way too weepy lately. I must be really wearing thin.
“So what happens now?” I sighed.
Julian’s voice was so deflated and unenthused that it was painful for me to even hear him speak.
“I guess the show just goes on. Same venue, same deal.”
“I see.”
“There is something good that will come out of this, though,” he added. “At least, I think it will.”
“What’s that?”
“The house will be packed. People who didn’t know about the show will be flocking to see you after all that press.”
I rubbed my forehead unconsciously.
“I don’t know if I wanna meet the kind of people that are gonna be showing up just because of those articles.”
“Well, Miss Thang,” he replied, “money’s money. We can’t knock what’s our bread and butter. And since we won’t be moving to Broadway, we’re gonna need all the press and hype that we can get.”
“Yeah,” I said, my voice small and pitiful. “I guess so.”
“Yeah. Well, look, I gotta bounce. Me and Tonio are having lunch together.”
“Okay.”
There was a time when I would have asked him about how things were going with him and Tonio. There was a time when he would have told me on his own. We would have joked about Tonio and how Julian was going to leave him, but knew full well he wasn’t going nowhere.
But not now. Not today.
I knew Julian wasn’t mad at me. Not really. But this had stymied his career, too, not just my own. This was going to be his first time being choreographer of a Broadway show.
Now his dream was being temporarily derailed before he even had a chance to grab ahold of it.
We said our goodbyes and hung up the phone.
I decided that I wasn’t going to answer any more calls.
I’d just deal with it when I got to the Nexus.
When I flipped the light on in my dressing room, Helmut was sitting there at my table.
“You still have time to change your mind,” he said with a smile. “They’re just stupid articles. They don’t really have to change things.”
“Get out,” I hissed. “Just get the fuck outta my room before I scream and call somebody.”
“That wouldn’t be very smart, now would it?” he asked. “Wouldn’t want to have to tell everybody the truth.”
I threw my duffel bag on the floor.
“What? That I slept with you twice? One time when I was drunk? The other time when I was crazy? The people here know that I ain’t down with being with nobody like you.”
“That’s not the truth,” Helmut smirked. “The truth is, you seduced me, and have been trying to blackmail me to keep you as the lead for weeks. But I had a replacement lined up and that pissed you off. You didn’t like the fact that I didn’t think you were a big enough draw for Broadway. So you’ve been threatening to tell my wife that we’re sleeping together.”
“Your wife?!” I shrieked.
“Yes. Everyone here’s met her before. So you can’t say you don’t know I’m married.”
“I’ve never met your wife before! You never said you had a wife, you low-life bastard! You took me to your house!!! You fucked me in your wife’s bed!!!”
“Well, the people that matter have met her. So they’ll know that you’re lying.” He
chuckled to himself. “And do you really think that was my primary home I took you to? That’s my love nest. It could have been your home, if you wanted.”
He got up from my chair and came toward me by the door.
“But,” he sighed, “I couldn’t take any more of the blackmail, Reesy. And when those articles came out, that was the last straw. Gustav and I had to pull out.”
Helmut was right up close to my face.
“It’s a shame, because so many people associated with the show were finally going to get their big break. You’ve ruined it for everyone now. Well, almost. You can still change your mind.”
He traced along my neck with his finger.
I spat in his face.
“Fuck you!!! Get outta here now!!!”
“So be it,” he said flatly, walking away. “But you’re not gonna emerge a hero out of this. You’ll be the most hated woman in show biz. I’ll make sure of that.”
“I’d rather be hated than your whore any day!”
“Guess what?” he said with a wink. “You’re already both.”
He stepped out of my dressing room and into the hall.
I was so upset, I was shaking violently, my body almost out of control.
I stood there in the doorway, my eyes burning a hole through his back.
“Bitch,” a voice behind me sneered. “You fucked up the whole show for everybody. I oughta kick your ass for this.”
It was Tamara. She was not the person I needed to be seeing just then.
“C’mon, then, you so bad!!” I yelled. “I been sick of your tired shit for a long time!!!”
I pushed up against her, point blank in her face.
Tamara’s eyes grew wide and she backed away from me.
I couldn’t believe it. All those times she’d been frowning up at me, clenching and unclenching her fists, like she was ready to whoop up on some ass. All that time she’d been selling straight-up wolf tickets.
I should have kicked her ass right then for frontin’ all those months.
“Get your tired ass out my face,” I hissed, “‘fore I wear you out right here in this hall!!”
Tamara scooted out of the way, retreating around the corner in a brown blur of dust.
I stepped back inside my dressing room, closed the door, and went over to my chair to sit down.
I put my head down on the table and quietly began to cry.
My life was so damn raggedy, I couldn’t even bear to face the crowd that I knew would be coming in that night.
I couldn’t do it. My best bet would be to quit the show.
But that would really screw Gordon and Julian. They wouldn’t have a lead, so they’d probably end up sticking Tamara up front, and shit would spiral down until there wasn’t much of nothing left of Black Barry’s Pie.
I know it was arrogant of me to think that nobody could play Mimosa like I could. But I believed quite the contrary—I was sure somebody out there could do it, and do it well.
I just didn’t know if Gordon could financially afford that person.
And everybody knew for a fact that Tamara damn shole couldn’t fill my shoes.
I began to cry harder. I couldn’t see a way out. I couldn’t go on stage. But I couldn’t leave the show and fuck Gordon over like that, after he’d been so good to me and given me my first break to begin with.
I finally knew how Misty had felt all those times she just wanted to raise up and run away from her problems. When she moved to Atlanta that time, she was running away from a man. When we moved to New York, she was running away from the bad memory of another.
I was always so judgmental of her. But, right now, with my world tumbling down all around me, I wanted to run as far away from New York City as I could get. As much as I loved this town, there was a whole lot of shame and failure surrounding me and reminding me of my obvious shortcomings.
I closed my wet eyes tightly, keeping them pressed against my arm.
I knew I hadn’t called on the Lord in a long time, but I needed Him now. More than ever.
I couldn’t do this by myself. Maybe if I asked God to hold my hand, he’d feel a little sympathy for me and show me some compassion.
“Our Father, Who art in heaven… ,” I whispered, sniffling heavily. “Hallowed be Thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done …”
There was a knock at my door, and then I heard it crack open.
I stopped praying and kept my head on the table. I couldn’t let anyone know I was crying.
I’d just pretend like I was asleep.
“Hey,” a deep, familiar voice called out. “Hey!! Are you awake?”
I raised my head up and turned around.
It was Dandre.
I wanted to get up and run over to him, but I was afraid. I couldn’t really make out his face, so I didn’t know why he was here. Perhaps he’d come to rub it all in.
“I’m not sleeping,” I answered softly. “What are you doing here?”
Dandre walked over toward me and sat down on one of the chairs behind mine.
He looked right into my face, sighing heavily.
“I saw the newspapers. That was some pretty fucked-up shit.”
I blinked a few times, trying to clear the tears from my eyes so that I could read him better.
“Are you all right?” he asked, reaching over and wiping tears away from my face.
“I’m okay,” I replied, shocked and suspicious. “I thought you hated me.”
Dandre blew out a gust of wind that made his cheeks puff up and his chest go flat.
“I do,” he answered. “I hate you more than words can say. But I don’t want to see anything bad happen to you. You don’t deserve this.”
The tears fell fresh down my cheeks.
“Stop crying on me,” he chuckled. “You know that I can’t deal with this from you.”
I couldn’t stop. My shoulders shook uncontrollably, and I held my face in my hands.
“You’re not supposed to be here,” I whined. “I was really nasty to you. I tried to hurt you for what you did to me at Burch. Why are you here being nice to me now?”
“Because. I finally figured out that that’s what you were probably doing,” he replied. “Trying to get me back for wrongs long past. But karma’s ugly like that. When you do something bad to somebody, it always comes home to roost. I never should have done what I did to you. I should have known better. I guess when I saw you with ol’ boy, I got just what I deserved.”
“You didn’t deserve to be treated like that,” I whimpered.
I kept holding my face in my hands. He reached over and took my face and lifted it up until I was looking into his eyes.
“Stop crying. Everything’s going to be fine.”
“No it’s not. Helmut was blackmailing me. I slept with him twice, and he wanted me to keep sleeping with him, or he was going to pull out of backing the show. He’s the one that leaked those stories to the papers.”
I saw Dandre visibly flinch when I mentioned sleeping with Helmut.
“You know that killed me, right?” he remarked.
I nodded.
“It was like somebody just reached in and snatched my heart out. You just don’t do that to a brother. Not when he’s got feelings for you deep like I do. My pride and ego took a permanent hike.”
“You just said feelings like I do?” I whispered. “You mean you still have feelings for me?”
“Don’t be stupid, Reesy,” he answered reproachfully. “I was too deep into you. I told you, I’ve never felt about anybody the way I do about you. I can’t just leave you hanging in the wind.”
Tears dropped from my eyes onto his hands.
“Besides… your girl’s out on the open seas with her new husband. Who were you going to turn to for moral support?”
“Hmmph,” I chuckled. “I guess in my case, it would be more like immoral support.”
Dandre laughed. It was not a hearty laugh. In fact, it seemed almost a little pained.
&nbs
p; “You said it, not me.”
I laughed softly along with him.
“So Julian says your boy is definitely backing out of investing in the show.”
“He’s not my boy, Dandre. Please don’t call him that.”
“My bad,” he said. “Figure of speech.”
I nodded.
“Those articles he planted messed things up for everybody here,” I said.
“You know, I could really hurt him up for what he tried to do to you,” he offered. “I mean, the blackmail and all. I don’t appreciate that shit, despite the other situation.”
“Naw,” I said, shaking my head. “Just leave it alone. I’ll handle it on my own.”
He pursed his lips together and looked away.
Neither of us said anything for a minute.
“So listen,” Dandre finally said in a low voice. “I’ve got an idea.”
“So run your mouth,” I sighed. “I could use some ideas right now.”
“Well, you know I got a li’l bit a paper, right?”
I chuckled.
“Yeah. I’d say so. Just a li’l bit, mind you. Not much to speak of.”
“Exactly. And I invest well. Have been for years. So I got some more sitting around that could be put to real good use. Plus my pops has got a shitload of paper that he don’t know what the hell to do with, and a buncha doctor friends at Howard who would probably love to get in on something like this.”
I was beginning to feel where he was going. A smile of surprise was forming on my lips.
“Keep talking,” I said. “You’re making sense so far.”
“So I say we put together a syndicate of investors and back this thang ourselves. We don’t need no German money. Black Barry’s Pie could be a shining example of black dollars in action.”
I was grinning now.
“So what do you think?” he asked foolishly, still waiting for my opinion.
I flung my arms around his neck.
“Oh, Dandre, that would be perfect!!!”
He hugged me tightly, close to his chest. It felt good to be pressed up against him again.
To my surprise, though, he pried my arms free and moved himself away from me.
“So you like my suggestion?” he said, staring at me with an unreadable expression. “You think it could work?”