“Honey, you’re not broken. He knows that. Or he should. Don’t even try to play the woe-is-me card. You’re the strongest person I know. You’re a motherfucking badass. He said it for the same reason you haven’t told him you love him.”
“I just haven’t found the right time. Sorry your ex-girlfriend died, but hey, consolation prize, I love you.”
“You’re no one’s consolation prize.”
“I know.” I sigh. “And I know he doesn’t think that. But what if…” I place my hand over my heart.
“What if he can’t deal with being with someone who could drop dead at any minute?”
“It is a lot. Especially now.”
“We’re all ticking time bombs. You’re scared. He’s scared. Life is fucking scary.”
“People don’t like to be reminded of their mortality.”
“True.”
Elias and I don’t get the luxury of believing we’re untouchable. We know better, but anyone that gets close to us has to accept that too and that can be a really hard thing to admit.
“What if he can’t get over this? What if he doesn’t come back?”
“Then Rickie really is a dumb hockey player.” Elias takes my hand. It’s so weird being here with him, skating, like we’ve done it a million times before. “Do you want to meet Taylor?”
“Oh my gosh, really? Is it weird if I ask her for an autograph?”
He laughs under his breath. “Oh, she’s going to love this.”
* * *
Mav and I climb back into his SUV. We’re only a few hours from Rhett’s house and the nerves and anticipation slam into me.
“This was an awful plan. How did I let you talk me into this?” I ask Mav when we’re on the freeway.
“It’s a great plan and I talked you into it.”
All too soon the signs for Rochestertown start appearing indicating we’re close.
“Maybe we should wait until tomorrow. He could still be busy or, I don’t know, out with friends.”
“Really?” Mav asks with a chuckle. “No can do. I’ve gotta be north of the city for dinner. I have just enough time to drop you, say hey to Rhett, and get back on the road.”
“You’re leaving me?”
“Relax. I’ll be back later tonight.”
“What’s north of the city?”
“The Wildcats. My team.” He taps the Wildcats hat resting on the dash. “Forgot I was a big shot pro hockey player, didn’t you?” He winks.
“I don’t think you get to call yourself a big shot pro hockey player until you play an actual pro game.”
He grins.
“Do they let you drop in and practice during the Valley off-season?”
“Nah, just have a meeting with the coach and my agent.”
I’m too worried about seeing Rhett to pry, but a few minutes later Mav asks, “Wanna know a secret?”
I nod.
“I’m not going back to Valley next year.”
“Why not?”
He shrugs a big shoulder. “It’s time. We won a national championship. There’s no topping that.”
“Wow. Does anyone else know?”
He shakes his head. “It’s our little secret.”
I blow out a shaky breath as he exits the freeway.
He takes his eyes off the road for a second to look at me. “You’re gonna be fine.”
“What if he isn’t excited to see me?”
“That’s what you’re worried about?”
“I hate surprises. They never go as planned.” Something Elias said earlier keeps replaying in my mind. “Stop. Pull over.”
Mav’s brow furrows but he pulls into a coffeehouse parking lot just off the freeway. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine, but I can’t do this.”
“Sie—”
“Not because I’m afraid he doesn’t want to see me.” I turn to face him. “I’m a motherfucking badass.”
Mav’s body shakes with laughter. “Yeah, you are.”
“He asked this one thing of me. I can’t roll up and try to convince him not to do it.”
“What about telling him you love him?”
“I will, but for now, I think I have to believe in what we have. If I show up there, I’m basically proving that I can’t handle whatever life throws at us. I can. I’m strong enough. If he wants to run, that’s on him. But I’m here or I was there. I was strong enough but he wasn’t.”
“I’m not sure I follow,” Mav says.
I open the door, phone in the other hand. “Give me five?”
“Stay. I’ll grab some coffee.”
“Thanks.” I shut the door and Maverick gets out of the vehicle.
I have no idea what I’m going to say, but my finger hovers over Rhett’s number when a text pops up.
Rhett: Hey, angel. Back in MN and have a new phone.
A second one pops up while I’m rereading the first for a third time.
Rhett: This is just something I have to do. I can’t explain it. I know it’s the worst possible timing with school ending, but I can’t come back until I’m sure… Fuck, I don’t even know what I need to be sure of.
Rhett: I’m sure that I miss you.
I type out a dozen responses. I want to tell him how I feel and beg him to come back. Of course, I do. I miss him. But if he doesn’t want to lean on me right now, I can’t force him to.
Me: I miss you too. I get it. Do what you have to do, but I’m here if you need anything.
I power off my phone so I don’t crack and tell him I love him over text message. He’ll come back. He has to.
Mav climbs back into the driver’s seat, hands me a cup, and sets his in the middle console. “Well?”
“I’m sorry that I dragged you fifteen hundred miles from school for nothing, but I have to let him do this his way.”
He nods slowly. “You’re sure?”
“Positive.”
“All right.” He slides on his sunglasses. “Wanna meet my new team?”
34
Sienna
Mav and I get back to Valley Wednesday night and the rest of the week I’m playing catch up on my classes. It has been a crazy month but luckily my professors are as eager for the semester to be over as I am and I didn’t miss any quizzes or major assignments.
And without Rhett or skating to occupy my time, by Friday evening I’m caught up and bored. I finally meet up with the girls at the dining hall. I knew they’d have a million questions and I’m not disappointed. The second we sit down at a table, they start asking me questions about Rhett.
“You went all that way there and then didn’t even go see him?” Ginny asks.
“I couldn’t. I wanted to, but I just couldn’t.”
“Have you heard from him?” Reagan smiles sadly.
“Just a couple texts.” I shake my head. “Hopefully he’s dealing or doing whatever he needs to.”
“It’s only been a week,” Dakota says.
A week that has felt like an eternity. I hoped that from afar maybe he’d open up more, but it’s been radio silence while he deals with this on his own.
“Yeah.” I sit taller. “I know. I just miss him.”
“I can’t believe you drove all that way,” Reagan says.
“It wasn’t a total loss. I got to meet Elias finally, and the Wildcats roster. I’m not sure which was more exciting.”
Dakota leans forward. “I know Elias is your best friend and all, but the locker room of men. One man is never better than a hockey roster full of them.”
“Except when it’s the right one,” Reagan says.
With a roll of her eyes, Dakota says, “Well, until then…” She waves her hand. “I need details.”
I tell them everything I can remember about Maverick’s new team and the giant arena where they practice. I leave out that he’s going to be playing for them sooner rather than later. As far as I know, Maverick hasn’t told anyone else about his decision to leave Valley and go pro next year.
Eventually Reagan and Ginny leave us to sit with their boyfriends.
“Are you aware that Mav thinks you were sexting him while we were gone,” I tell Dakota as we leave the dining hall.
“Umm… what?”
“The picture you sent him with Charli. He has this whole theory on how sending a picture with his dog is better than sending dick pics.”
She stares blankly.
“As in, more effective at getting him laid.”
“So that’s why he keeps sending me photos of him and Charli.”
We both laugh.
“What’s your night like?” Dakota asks. “Wanna hang out?”
“I’d love to, but I had to trade some classes while I was gone. Tonight I’m teaching two beginner-level yoga classes.”
“I’ll come with you. I was going to run at the track, but the last class I took with you kicked my ass. How long have you been doing it?”
“Yoga or teaching it?”
“Both.”
“My mom was always doing yoga around the house when I was growing up. I would do a pose or two with her, then get bored and go do something else. Then when I got to Valley I took a more advanced yoga class. It was so hard, but I loved the challenge, and it really helps with skating.” I swipe my card on the door reader to let us in the locked room. “And I started teaching when I realized I could get paid for doing something I was planning on doing anyway.”
She laughs. “It doesn’t suck the joy out of it for you being a job?”
“There are days I dread coming, but once class starts, no, I love it.”
“That’s really cool, and you’re good at it so it works out well for everyone.”
I start the music and sit on the floor to stretch out. “What are you going to do this summer?”
She lets her shoulders sag forward and the end of her red ponytail falls over one arm. “I have applied for so many internships, but so far they’re either unpaid or the salary is so low I couldn’t afford to feed myself.”
“What kind of internship are you looking for?” I ask.
While we wait for people to join the class, Dakota tells me she wants to do public relations or marketing and she’s hoping to find something this summer to get some experience for her resume.
“It looks like it’s going to be another summer working at the Hall of Fame. It’s so quiet over the summer. The only people that come in for tours are alumni wanting to relive their glory years.”
“Oh, that sounds kind of nice.” A few people have joined us and are rolling out their mats and getting ready.
“It really isn’t. Never fails, I get stuck listening to an hour’s worth of stories about how much harder they partied back then or how much better the team was.”
I laugh at the visual.
“I’m whining. I’m sorry. It’s a wonderful job and I love it, but I’m starting to seriously stress about graduating and getting a real job.”
“I feel that. I’ve spent many nights lying awake wondering if I should just get another degree and keep doing this for another couple of years.”
“Working out and getting paid? I could get down with that too.”
Dakota is athletic and in great shape, but after the first class, she falls back onto her mat and declares that she is done.
“That was beginner?” She places a forearm over her eyes.
“You didn’t have to do the modified versions.”
“I was trying to keep up with you. I failed.”
“Thanks for coming. It was good to chat and get my mind off everything.”
“Any time. I was thinking…” She bites the corner of her lip.
“Uh-oh.”
“I think you could do this as a job after college.”
“The pay is crap. I’d be living in cheap apartments with twelve roommates.”
“What if it wasn’t?”
“Then sign me up, but I’ve looked around. It’s crappy pay and no benefits.”
“I have an idea. Can I stay and record the next class?”
“You want to record the class?”
“Well, no. I want to record you.”
Maverick walks in and raises a hand in greeting before he joins us.
“Staying for class or just finishing up?” he asks Dakota.
“Both.” She looks to me. “I’ll only record you. I won’t get anyone else so you don’t have to worry about getting waivers or permission or whatever.”
“Record her for what?”
“I want to show Sienna how great she could be teaching yoga online.”
I’m sorry, what?!
“You’d be great at that,” he says definitively. “You can get me in the shots. I make yoga sexy.”
Dakota rolls her eyes.
“Don’t deprive the world of my mad yoga skills.”
“What do you say?” she asks me, grinning hopefully.
It’s time to start class and I don’t have time to think through everything she’s throwing at me right now. “Fine. Yes to recording, but try to make it look casual so it doesn’t disrupt the class and only me and Maverick.”
“Yay!” She does a little happy shimmy.
“And no posting anything until I see it.”
“Of course. It’s going to be amazing. I promise.”
“Mhmmm. I’ll believe that when I see it.”
My class doesn’t seem to notice Dakota filming from her mat, but I do. I spend the first five minutes stiff and robotic in my movements and instruction. Soon enough though I’m able to get into the flow and mostly forget that someone has a camera aimed at me.
When class is over, I cringe as she approaches with her phone.
“It’s okay. I don’t need to see it to know how awkward that was.”
Mav stands beside her staring at her screen.
“It’s a little shaky at the beginning. I had trouble finding the right angle, but there’s some good stuff here.”
“Look at that perfect form.” Mav grins.
“I hate to admit this, but the camera loves you,” she says to him.
His smile couldn’t be any bigger as he throws an arm around her shoulders.
“Is the room free? Can we try a couple of things?”
“You don’t have to do this,” I say.
“I want to.”
“Why?”
“Because, as your friend, I see potential in you that you cannot see.”
“There are so many yoga videos out there already.” Most of them crap, admittedly.
When I’m not convinced she adds, “You have a story. That makes people want to like and follow you. And you’re a really good yoga teacher.”
“Plus, you’re hot,” Mav says.
I laugh, but Dakota nods. “He isn’t wrong. That helps too.”
“Let me take some video and play around with formats. You’re right, there are a ton of yoga videos out there, but they don’t have you.”
“Fine. Okay. What else do I have going on tonight?”
“That’s the spirit,” she says with a laugh.
* * *
Over the next week, things get easier. I miss Rhett something fierce but I keep busy with classes and Dakota’s new obsession of turning me into a yoga influencer. I cringe every time she says the word influencer.
We film videos, take photos in the studio and all around campus. I have to say, even if I never get the courage to post any of it, it was worth all the time and energy in distracting me.
“Let’s go out tonight,” Dakota says Thursday afternoon.
We’re video chatting as I walk back to my dorm from classes.
“I can tell by that look on your face you were planning to stay in and sulk.”
“I’m not sulking. I just don’t feel like being overly happy.”
She laughs at me. “Noted. I will make sure you only have a decent time then. Nothing too fun.”
“Okay. I’m in. I’m going to ask Josie and Olivia, too.” They’ve also been pes
tering me about going out so I can please everyone at once.
“Cool. I’ll see if I can pry Reagan and Ginny away from their men.”
We meet up at Dakota and Reagan’s apartment. They’ve bought enough wine and mixed drinks to keep the whole group of us drunk for a week, and Dakota has dance music pumping in their living room.
“We have sparkling water, Gatorade, and Diet Coke,” Reagan says as I enter the kitchen to survey the drink options.
“Thank you.”
She shakes her ass as she walks away, cup in hand. “Meet you on the dance floor.”
For almost an hour that’s exactly where we stay. We have a dance party in the middle of their living room, belting out every lyric and jumping around. It feels good to get lost in the music and the moment with my friends.
We move outside to take a break. Josie sits beside me and rests her head on my shoulder. “I can’t believe you’re graduating and leaving me all alone.”
“Hey!” Olivia nudges her from the other side.
“We should throw a party to celebrate,” Josie says, sitting tall. “We could do it at Kate’s house.”
“You guys don’t need to do that. This is perfect. Just my girls.”
“We’ll be there too,” she says. “And maybe some hockey boys.”
“They tend to follow these two around,” Dakota says and points to Ginny and Reagan.
“Please??” Josie asks. “It’ll be so fun. Let us send you off with a proper goodbye.” She kisses the air.
I smile. “Sure. That sounds great. Thank you.”
But my chest aches when I realize the only hockey boy I want won’t be there.
The next morning, I wake up early. My body refuses to accept that I no longer need to be up and at practice in the mornings. So, I get dressed and head there anyway.
I warm up and then fall into my old routine. It’s weird to think that there will be no more new programs. I’m not sad about giving up competing or shows. I could do both of those things if I really wanted. And I know I’ll still skate. I’ll make time for it because I love it. But this… just being on the ice with nowhere else to be. I will miss it being such a big part of my daily routine.
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