by LJ Swallow
I lie with Joss on his bed, gripping his fingers and listening to his slow and steady heartbeat, terrified it might stop. His hand warms in mine as the minutes pass, and my heart slows as exhaustion replaces the adrenaline. I curl myself around Joss, wishing I could burrow into his soul and pull him out of wherever he is. He's alive, but he's lost somewhere. Is he in the place he told me about, the one from his visions?
The bedroom curtains are open and the night now blankets the countryside surrounding the house and intrudes through the window. Shadows are cast across the room from the tree outside, and I shudder at the memory of the wraithlike figure.
I doze. At one point I hear Ewan's motorbike but don't wake fully until I'm aware of Joss's arms around me. Warm, strong. Shifting from his arms, I touch Joss's face. He's my Joss now—cheeks no longer sunken and colour in his face. I kiss the lips no longer blue and hold my mouth there for a few seconds, desperate to give him my affection and love.
I move away and stroke his face. "Are you okay?"
"Kind of. Feeling like Death."
I push myself up on one elbow in panic. "You feel like you're going to die again?"
His mouth tips into the Joss smile I've missed recently, and the shadows of my day finally break. "Nah, like Death: lost in my thoughts and a bit emo." I poke him. "And what do you mean 'die again'?"
"You weren't just sleeping, Joss."
"Oh? But I was dreaming." He bites his lip. "I think. Did anybody see the demon this time? Was I imagining it?"
Joss's brow tugs deep as I describe what I saw. "The guys think it was a wraith or something. Where did it come from? Did you see it attack you?"
"I saw shadows. Sometimes wraiths attach themselves to people, but I should've sensed if that’s what happened. Did you kill it?"
I scrunch up my face. "No. Sorry."
"All good." He kisses my nose. "They're hard to kill anyway. I expect the guys got him."
I can't tell him they never found the creature or know exactly what it was.
"I think it was with you for a couple of days, Joss."
"Maybe. I wasn't feeling good."
"That's an understatement. Are you okay now? You don't feel distant again?"
"No." I feel like he wants to say more but stops himself. This isn't the time for questions, but for solace and to share the emotions I have for him. The ones I swore I wanted to lose.
Whoever or whatever did this to Joss did us all a favour, because however horrific the last few hours were, I know I could never stop loving and caring for this man—or any of them.
I snuggle my head into the crook of Joss's neck and place my lips on his skin. "You scared me, Joss. I'm glad you're okay."
"I'm bloody hungry. Tell Xander he has to cook me something." Joss's warm breath tickles my hair as he chuckles, stepping further to his old self and away from the one over the last few days.
"I'll make you something."
Joss reaches out to me when I stand to leave and holds out a hand. He grips my fingers and, although he smiles, the haunted look in Joss's eyes follows me from the room.
Ewan, Heath, and Xander are all in the house, but not together.
Bad sign.
I pass Joss's study, and through the open door can see Ewan at the dark, wooden desk. Should I talk to him about what happened between us earlier? The events since put things into perspective for me, did they for him?
My stomach flutters as I watch him. In just a black T-shirt, his tattooed arms are visible and the sleeve stretches tightly across the bicep inked with vibrant patterns and pictures I've never seen long enough to figure out. One day, I want to explore them with my fingers as we cuddle. My heart twinges. Whatever else I want from him, his affection is one.
I love the way Ewan sometimes mouths what he's reading onscreen, or the peace he seems to get from spending time away from us in his own world. I surge with the need from before, but also remember the hurt caused by his words.
As if sensing me, Ewan turns his head. I expect him to glance away again, but I'm the one who can't hold our mutual, confused look.
"How's Joss, Vee?" Heath walks from the kitchen. "I heard someone come downstairs and wasn't sure who."
I break my gaze at Ewan. "He's okay. Tired and hungry. How are you?"
"Okay. Tired. I think helping Joss took it out of me."
I play my fingers across his lined face. Exhaustion has crept up on him over the recent days, and resurrecting Joss has intensified the dark circles building beneath his eyes. "You should rest."
"Yeah." He holds up a beer and winks.
I give a wry smile. "I said I'd make Joss something to eat. Are you hungry too?"
Heath follows me as I walk into the kitchen and hovers next to me as I open the fridge. Beer. A loaf of bread. Milk. I guess chasing assassins and demonic forces doesn't leave much time for grocery shopping.
"I'll order pizza then?" says Heath from behind.
I search the cupboards too and manage to locate a half-eaten packet of chocolate biscuits. I push one into my mouth, just to make sure they're fresh, of course.
"Where are Xander and Seth?" I ask through mouthfuls.
Heath leans against the counter next to me. "Xander went for a walk, and Seth's in the lounge, avoiding us as usual."
"If he’s brought some gear from his place to our place, Seth's accepting he'll stay around," I suggest. "That's a good thing."
Heath drinks and then wrinkles his nose. "I suppose."
"You don't trust him either."
"Come on, Vee. How do you expect us to? He's bloody weird, and I don't understand how he found a lot of his info. And what about the passports his friends had but not him? Something's off."
I admit I wondered about this, but with everything happening, I haven't asked him. I will. "He's helping, that's the main thing, Heath."
"Hmm." Heath strokes my hair. "Forget him. Tell me how you're feeling. That must've freaked you out before."
"What bothered me the most was I couldn't do anything. Why couldn't I? I thought I had your powers now."
"Yeah." Heath drains his bottle and sets it on the table. "I think that one takes time to develop. It takes a lot more from me than zapping people. Perhaps you're not magically strong enough yet?"
"You know the truth here, Heath. You said it yourself. This comes down to me 'assimilating' as you put it." I pause. "I suppose Ewan told you what happened between us before."
"Kind of." I roll my eyes at his evasive comment. "I don't know the answer, Vee. None of us do."
I suck on my teeth. Seth isn't the only one the guys don't fully trust here, and that hurts. Yes, I don't know what will happen if I have sex with Ewan, but I can't imagine I could stop caring for the guys. The bond wouldn't break; it would strengthen.
Wouldn't it?
But I can't deny the drive inside to be the one to take control of them all and call the shots. The thoughts in the back of my mind push through sometimes, and I struggle to control an itch I can't scratch. This has grown worse since sex with Joss, and the growing control I've gained over Xander.
But they wouldn't love me if I was a threat; they'd surely be aware of that.
I hold up the biscuit packet. "I'll take these to Joss. You can order us all pizza."
As I walk upstairs, the bizarre switch between the ordinary and the supernatural follows me. And the fear I'll fail if I don't harness every power the guys have.
4
VEE
Unable to stop worrying about Joss, I stay with him into the night and hold him as tightly as he holds me. I left him sleeping once the sun rose, and while I ate breakfast, Xander quizzed me. I run through every detail again and again for Xander and the others, but they can't figure out what attacked him and how.
The determined, confident Xander who resurfaced yesterday has retreated again; I've never seen him this quiet and introspective. I waited to talk to him last night when I ate pizza with Heath and Ewan, but he didn't return from his walk for
over an hour. I gave up waiting, left some pizza for him, and took the rest up to Joss.
Xander calls a meeting, as expected, as soon as Joss feels ready. He's brighter already, in his colour and in his mood. Still, I sit with him, holding his hand, acutely aware how the prospect of losing him sharpened everything into a new focus. They need me to be Vee, and I need them.
Joss faces the same questions he can’t answer, and the quiet frustration grows. One step forward, another back. Just when we had a lead.
"We need to focus on following the new leads," says Joss eventually. "I think what happened to me was to distract us. Let’s not allow that to happen."
Seth stands in the corner, away from the table as he watches and listens.
"Your codenames seem to be significant." He breaks his silence and reddens when everybody turns to look at him. He chews a nail. "You call yourselves the Four Horsemen, right?"
"Correct," replies Ewan.
"And you said something attacked you, Ewan, and they were diseased. Like zombies."
Joss sighs. "They weren't zombies. Zombies don't exist."
"Really? But demons and fairies do? Am I supposed to be selective about what I believe in?" Seth shakes his head.
"Fae. Not fairies. Read about them," replies Xander.
"Sure, give me my laptop back, and time to myself, and I will." His mouth thins.
Ewan shrugs. "Sure. You can have it for an hour."
Following their altercation the other day, Ewan changed his mind and took Seth's laptop back. Is Ewan's control over Seth belligerence or fear at what he'll do?
"So yeah, you call yourself Pestilence." He continues his hard stare at Ewan. "You were killed by something diseased, if I'm to believe you died."
Ewan's brow furrows.
"And you call yourself Famine, right?" He nods at Joss. "When I saw you yesterday afternoon you looked starved."
"Shit." Joss rubs his face and looks to the others. "It wasn't just an attack yesterday. I didn't feel right after what happened at the storage unit, as if the last few days I was slowly starved of emotions, until I stopped feeling altogether."
I clasp my hands together under the table. "Joss is right. He faded."
"Fuck. I hate to say this, but Seth could be right," mutters Xander.
"You think someone is targeting us with our own powers?" asks Ewan. "How? We're stronger than that."
"Yes. And we've been told that Seth's assassin was killed by a primordial magic that the oldest entity we know doesn't understand. We're dealing with something different here."
My mouth dries at Heath's words. We've found a few connections over the last day, but the idea someone is using the guys' powers against them isn't pleasant—or beyond possibility.
"But we didn't die," says Ewan. "We're okay."
"This time." Heath's voice is quiet. He stares down at the table. "If I'm next, what then? Whoever this is could pick us off one by one, and if they start with me..."
They all die.
Again, nobody has a comeback or answer and I swallow hard. "But Death can't die, surely?"
Joss blows air into his cheeks, and Xander's face holds a deep concern, one too familiar since yesterday. Ewan stares at a spot on the wall, away from everybody.
"We don't know that," says Heath eventually. "Maybe I've been lucky. I've been close in situations, but the guys managed to intervene before it was too late."
I will one of the guys to come up with an answer, to encourage Heath he'll be okay, but nobody responds until Seth speaks again.
"I thought Vee had all your powers. Why can't she fix you, or whatever, if you’re hurt?"
"I don't have his resurrection power." My words sound weird spoken to Seth. "I mean... I can't help them."
"Why?" he presses. "Can you learn or something?"
"Maybe," says Joss.
"I didn't learn the others. I have some of their powers, but not the same strength, or all of them."
My neck prickles, and I side glance Ewan who continues to stare into space. Is he the answer to my gaining full strength?
Seth approaches to sit at the table, at a corner and away from the others. "How does this all work? You never told me exactly what you are. You told me about demons and vampires, and I’ve seen evidence of enough to know there are strange things in the world, but who are you?"
I look to the guys, almost for permission, and Heath nods. "You've heard people call me Truth?"
"Yeah, but that's because of your name, isn't it?" asks Seth.
"I'm sort of the fifth Horseman."
Seth snorts a laugh. "Okay...."
"Are you going to listen to her or not," growls Xander.
"If you can believe the guys have abilities that aren't human, then you can believe that I have some of each of them. That's part of the reason for our relationship and why I'm with them."
"You mean your weird polyamory thing?"
"Not relevant," snaps Ewan.
Oh, but it is.
Seth takes off his glasses and polishes them on his shirt, lips pursed, before he places them back on, as if this makes the situation clearer.
"So are you genetically modified or something? Like military experiments?" He pauses and smirks. "Bitten by a radioactive spider?"
"What the fuck are you talking about?" asks Ewan.
"Doesn't matter." He sighs. "Well, I guess you have to figure out what's trying to kill you."
"You think?" says Ewan, voice laden with sarcasm.
"And—if I understand this correctly—you have to find some magic... thing. Do you think this Alasdair guy has something? Like, in his house? Shouldn't you look?"
"We hadn't thought that far ahead. We've been a bit distracted by demons invading the house and killing us!" retorts Xander.
"And that assassin woman. Can't she find it for you?"
Xander rests back in his chair. "I see you've been thinking about all this."
There's less nervousness around this Seth, no staring at the floor or his hands. He smiles at the guys, and I sense triumph that they're listening to him.
"I have a lot of time to think. I'm quite analytical, you know. I absorb a lot of information and have a photographic memory." He gestures at Xander's phone. "Like with the rune. I memorise everything I think will be important, and secret symbols top my list."
"I thought that was unusually impressive." Ewan crosses his arms. "Coincidental even."
"You all say I'm weird. I am. I know that. People have told me that my whole life, but at least my screwed up brain is useful." Seth mimics Ewan in crossing his arms.
"So, Seth, since you're knowledgeable about the situation, what would you do next if you were me?" asks Xander.
Seth bites back a smile. "I wouldn't want to be you, Xander."
"Hypothetically." Xander's face darkens and I tense. Is Seth pushing his luck here?
"I'd ask Syv for help finding this magic item. I'd try and arrange a meeting with Alasdair and find more about his link to these other gangs you keep mentioning." He points at me. "And I'd do everything you can to give Vee all your powers."
"That was my plan." Xander taps his fingers on the table. "I already called Syv."
"Oh?" I look to him.
"The next logical move."
"And you think she'll help? She didn't seem very co-operative," I reply.
"She'll help." Xander's voice is firm. "I'll tell her the stakes."
"Did you arrange to meet up with her?" Heath asks.
"Yep. This evening. La Fee Verte."
"Let me guess," puts in Seth. "That's where the fairies like to hang out."
Ewan's sour face lights up with amusement. "I would absolutely love to see you walk into that place and call one of them a fairy, and manage to walk out again uninjured. They hate it."
"But isn't she a demon?" asks Seth, ignoring Ewan. "You said the fae gang don't like the demon gang."
Joss tips his head. "They're not 'gangs', they’re races. And for someone who's hard
ly said anything, you seem to suddenly have a lot of opinions, Seth."
"You're the ones who said it was in my interests to stay with and help you. That's what I'm trying to do! If this means I can live my life again when everything is sorted, I will."
"So you're sticking around?" asks Heath.
"Yes. By choice this time. But this trust needs to be mutual. Ewan, could you return my laptop and phone please."
Ewan straightens in his seat and looks to the others. "Guys?"
"Can I say something?" I interrupt. "We need to lay this animosity between you and Seth to rest and cooperate more."
"Thank you, Vee." Seth's voice is low and he smiles in gratitude. "I appreciate that."
The following silence isn’t very encouraging.
"Are we all agreed we visit Syv tonight?" asks Heath.
"I suppose I need to go too?" Seth asks Xander. "Under your watchful eye."
Once over, Xander would've retorted, but the defeat surrounding him concerns me. He was upbeat about the possibilities ahead, but now his confusion is all I can pick up. I can't let him slide too. I need to speak to him.
5
EWAN
I once thought Vee consumed my thoughts and interfered with my ability to think straight, but that's nothing compared to what's happening now. She's in every dream, enters my head whenever I'm unfocused. Hell, she unfocused me. Each time I'm close, I want to talk to her, apologise, tell her how I feel. But that's the problem. I can't reconcile how I feel to what she wants. Am I being selfish? Is my refusal to give in to the need to unite, to cross the line and feel her beneath my body, my hands, losing herself with me inside her causing more than sexual frustration like none I've ever experienced?
I’ve fought my craving for Vee, and it’s grown into an intense hunger gnawing at the shackles I've put on myself.
Vee's hurt by me avoiding her, but what else can I do? Until I've figured this out in my head, until I believe that I won't fuck everything up, I have to. One touch, one moment alone together, and there's no way I'll keep control.
But something else rests inside. I want Vee to want me, to want Ewan, not to fulfill what she believes is some weird destiny. I don't know how she responds to the others; it's not something we talk about, beyond the fact her powers intensified. Does Vee look them in the eyes with affection, does she tell them how she feels, or is this only physical pleasure for her?