by LJ Swallow
Hell, Vee' so much more than that to me, and I want her to know I love her, and for her to love me back. This screws with my head even further. Girls never affect me like this. Sure, most have been random hook-ups with no desire to go further, but not one girl ever triggered a need to be around them, to have their attention, the way Vee does.
I want to believe this is more. I need to believe this is human Vee wanting me. Am I fooling myself?
One thing: since our conversation, when I rode away sick to the stomach for hurting her, Joss says she hasn't spoken to him about losing her emotions again. Does she realise she doesn't want to? Or is it because she can't?
Is it because I can't finish the job and make us whole?
Mindfuck.
I sit in the kitchen, elbows on the table, head bowed with my fingers in my hair doing a bloody good impression of Heath. Xander and Heath went to meet up with Syv. Xander said to 'ask for her opinion' on what Portia's asked, but I know what that means. I don't want to be dragged into something else. Whatever happens, our names had better be kept clear too.
The fridge door opens and closes, but I don't look around, until I sense whoever is in the room doesn't move. I let go of my hair and twist my head.
Seth grips a bottle of water and watches me warily. He jerks backwards as I move. Does he think I'll smack him? Good. He needs to be kept on his toes, and worry what I'll do to him if he steps out of line. I don't care what Vee says, I trust him about as much as I do fae. He has some qualities in common with them: the evasiveness, the clever questions, the ability to turn conversations in the direction he wants. If the others paid more attention, they'd see this too.
What if the reason Seth was targeted has nothing to do with us? That he's hiding with us for another reason?
"Are you okay, Ewan? Did something happen? I don't know where Xander and Heath went."
Yeah, because we didn't tell you.
"I'm fine." I keep my voice gruff, with a warning look that he shouldn't pursue his questions.
"Can we call a truce?"
I blink at his words. "I thought we already had."
"I'd call it an uneasy stalemate."
"Call it what you want. I'm not on your back anymore, am I?"
"No, but you watch me. You don't trust me."
"Yep. Sorry." I push my chair back and stand.
"Why?"
"Reasons."
"Wow, Ewan. You're not very eloquent, are you?"
I stand over him. I'm not much taller, but my solid build eclipses his wiry frame. I've itched to get in Seth's face and ask him questions, but never found him alone. He'll be sorry he walked in and interfered in my day.
"I don't know who you are, or what your game is, but when I find out, you're fucked."
Seth's mouth parts and his cheeks redden. "My game is to help you. To find proof someone is killing people - and to find out why."
"Sure."
"What have I done, Ewan? I don't understand. I gave you all the information I have. No wonder Vee struggles!"
I straighten. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"I've noticed how you avoid her. Vee gave up a lot to come here and help you all, and I can tell she's struggling with your behaviour." He pauses. "You guys keep saying she's the centre of your world, but all I see is her being pushed to the edge."
I swallow down the harsh response springing to my lips. Seth's doing the same thing again. He's interfering and subtly planting thoughts, all with a feigned innocence. "You don't know anything about our lives," I reply in an even tone.
"Really? Because I'm currently forced to live your lives, and it's shit."
I'm tempted to tell him to piss off and try his luck alone, to see how long he survives, but my suspicion steam rolls those words. Seth wants me to say that.
"I don't think you're who you say, Seth Marks."
Seth removes his glasses and polishes them, as he often does when wanting to pause a conversation.
"That's your call, Ewan... what was your name again? The false one you have?" He places his glasses back on. "If anybody isn't who they say they are, it's you and your band of brothers."
I fight down giving him the angry reaction he wants and maintain a game face to match his.
"You've dug deep into my records and my past, Ewan. It's all there. Seth Marks exists. Do you? Who are you, code name Pestilence?"
I bristle at his mocking tone. Cheeky fucking... My bloody fist could show him I existed. "Me? I'm one of the people keeping your sorry ass alive right now."
"So you keep saying."
"But I'm watching you, Seth. You don't fool me."
Slowly, Seth unscrews the bottle and swigs, his eyes on mine the whole time. Yeah, I'm onto you. He wipes his mouth and screws the lid back on. "I think it's quite sad how little you trust people. Even the girl who loves you."
"I hope you're not bullying Seth again, Ewan." Vee walks into the kitchen. "Have you seen my coat?"
I point at her green jacket slung over the nearest chair and back away when she approaches, avoiding her eyes.
"All good. You know how Ewan is, Vee. It's hard to connect with him sometimes."
Vee laughs and swings the jacket around to push her arms through the sleeves. "He's the strong silent type, for sure."
"Where are you going?" asks Seth.
"For a walk. I want to catch up with Xander while he's in a good mood."
Seth nods. "Good plan."
I say nothing as Vee takes one last glance at me before heading out the door. Seth watches her go, too intently for my liking.
He flicks his fingers after Vee. "That was a perfect example of what I'm talking about. Is it jealousy? Don't you like Vee having sex with the other guys?" I narrow my eyes, and his mouth twitches into a smile. "Are you scared she'll compare you all, and that you won't measure up to the others?"
"You're a devious fucker," I growl. "And you're bloody lucky I'm in a good mood or I would've spread your nose across your face by now."
"Raw nerve?" He chuckles. "I don't care what you think about me. I'm just doing the same as you all do. I'm looking out for myself." With a tight smile, he grips his drink and walks out of the room.
This guy must have a desire to feel my fist in his face because I won't let him get away with this sneaky-ass behaviour much longer. I don't care who the fuck Seth says he is, when I get the opportunity, he's out of here.
6
XANDER
I hate that the guys know I'm struggling if I take longer walks than usual, but we all are so I can't be singled out. Normally I save long walks for crisp, sunny days, but today I risk the threat of rain to walk off as much nervous energy as I can. I shove my hands deeper into my pockets and burrow my face into the top of my jacket. Fuck, it gets colder. Next winter, I'm making sure we're overseas.
Joss sat me down earlier and talked me through the confusion, calmed the desire to charge from the house and react, instead of planning. I'm pissed off that there was no sign of whatever attacked Joss, and even more that something breeched our defences. Why didn't Joss know he contained something demonic?
That leads to a worse thought: was it demonic? Although we spent hours searching and not finding the thing, I'm bloody relieved Joss is back to normal, the way Ewan was.
But Seth's words resonate. He's correct.
Who's next? How can we stop it?
What if Heath dies?
I arranged our meeting with Syv for early evening, when the club will be emptier. She hangs out in there a lot, as do some of her clients. They allow her, because she has too much information on some of them. Then, we pay Alasdair a visit. He doesn't work at Nova Pharm, and he lives in Scotland. There's no address for Myriad Foundation's offices, but I'm sure Ewan can locate him.
I should be lifted by the news, but all I can picture is Joss last night and fight something I haven't experienced before—doubt.
Add to this that the Collector knew Horsemen before and doubt grows into a deep
uncertainty in the pit of my stomach. I always knew we weren't the first, but is this how they died?
Will they kill Vee too?
Vee, the girl walking across the freezing ground towards me. My heart rate increases the closer she gets, and again I'm reminded her power over me isn't just as Truth, but as a girl who's begun to possess me: heart, body, and soul. She's dressed in skinny jeans and heavy boots with a padded green jacket, a usual look for her, but today there's a black beanie pushed onto her head.
Her green eyes stand out against the black, and the way her hair is pushed around her red-cheeked face gives her an innocence that reminds me further that she's human.
I'm not in the mood to talk to anybody right now; my head doesn't know which direction to turn in.
I moisten my cool lips as she stops in front of me, my desire to reach out, touch her face, and kiss her growing with the warmth in my chest. Instead, I grip the lining in my jacket pockets.
"What happened?" I ask sharply. "Is everybody okay?"
She nods. "I came to see how you were."
I frown. "Me? I'm okay. Pissed off all this is happening, but also happier things are progressing."
Vee taps her lips and hesitates before saying, "I wanted to spend time with you when you're calm."
"I'm never calm." We exchange wry smiles. "Especially not around you."
"The only time we talk, we argue. I want to change that."
I look down in surprise when Vee links her arm through mine and tense, unsure whether to move her arm and push her away, or allow myself closer.
"I guess. Like with Seth, it's important we build some trust."
She laughs up at me. "Are you comparing us to you and Seth?"
"No. You know what I mean." I pause and she remains close, closer still as she looks up at me.
I love and hate how Vee makes me feel, how my whole body fills with heat when she focuses her attention on me; how my thoughts scatter and are replaced by nothing but the desire to be naked with her.
To love her.
I look away in case Vee reads this in my eyes.
I fight so fucking hard not to touch her skin, to allow myself to be pulled into her, but I fail.
I cup her face. Okay, but I won't kiss her. "What's really wrong? Why did you come out here?"
"Do you think it's possible for me to develop Heath's power, and keep you all alive?"
I blink at her forthright question. "I don't know. I hope so."
The conversation falters until Vee says, “You haven't asked me how I am recently, Xander."
I swallow. "How are you, Vee?"
"Confused. I had an argument with Ewan about the situation."
"Ah, the wanting to stop feeling anything? The guys told me about that." I've had the conversation with Joss. With Ewan. With all of them. I pretended it didn't bother me and told them I wasn't surprised because I've seen a harsher side to Vee. But I am because I've also seen tenderness in how she treats us all.
"But that's the problem now. I don't want to lose the positive emotions, so I can't lose myself, can I? Does that mean I can never be as powerful as you? Never have Heath's power to save you all?"
I drop my hand. "Save us all? You're not here to do that."
"How do you know?"
"Don't be intense right now, Vee. I can't cope with anymore of this, my head's fucked."
I temper my tone but her eyes reflect hurt. "This is important, Xander."
Has she backed down on the idea she should be emotionless? I had the feeling Ewan's reaction affected her. Good. But there's an uncomfortable side to this situation: her need to physically bond with us. I'm convinced that's where her power lies.
I can't tell Ewan to have sex with Vee; that's unreasonable and totally weird, but I think it would help. I don't share their belief she'll destroy us. How can she? As long as those emotional responses to us remain, so will Vee.
"I don't understand what you've come here to say to me."
"Will you stop shutting me out?"
"I don't shut you out."
Vee shakes her head and takes my hand from her face. She squeezes my fingers. "It's good to talk to you when you're not shouting at me."
I don't know how to respond to her following me and trying to dig into my thoughts and feelings. What does she want here?
"Yeah, well, you haven't pissed me off recently."
"I think I should be the one pissed off. You hid from me what happened to Joss at the storage units. You said no secrets."
I pull my hand from hers and keep walking. "You know why."
"Because you don't trust me, either?" She remains a few steps behind, not following, and I stop too, then turn around.
My heart wrenches at the look on her face. Hurt. Why can't she be angry and I can end this conversation with strong words and an excuse to walk away. Instead, Vee fights tears.
Crap.
I stride back over and look down, hands in pockets. Her eyes glisten and the friendly smile from a few minutes ago has been replaced by a downturned mouth.
"I find it hard to trust anybody apart from the guys. I still don't understand who you are and that messes with my head.” I run a palm across my hair. "I'm sorry."
A tear escapes Vee's eye, and instead of wiping it away, she lets it trail down her cheek. This is worse than any argument I've had with her. Vee has never cried in front of me. I clench my hands in my pockets, unable to decide whether to run from the empathy clouding my head, or step away from my safe place and closer to her.
"Sorry," I repeat to save saying anything else.
She remains looking at me steadily. "At least you're all honest about that. I love you all, and this is how you're treating me."
Her words knock me backwards. She means as friends, right? As the group she lives with?
"I don't believe you're dangerous or want to hurt us, I just don't trust people. End of."
This time she swipes the tear falling. "We're part of each other, Xander."
"I know."
"So does that mean you don't trust yourself?"
What the hell is with all this heavy shit? Heath will listen to this; I need to move on.
"I suppose it does." Will this appease her? Stop this?
"Liar," she says with a small laugh.
I can't figure out what she wants here. Is Vee expecting me to break down and tell her how I feel? That I'm prepared to allow her to overcome more of me?
I freeze as she steps closer and places ice cold fingers on my jaw. "I wish I could see inside your head sometimes. I pick up on how you feel, but you're hard to read."
Her touch and the affection in her eyes intensify the swirling confusion and my racing heart. "Let's just be happy we're not fighting."
She moistens her lips. "Our fights always end in interesting situations."
An image flashes into my mind. Several images, ones that follow me into my dreams at night with the reminder how the intensity between us with sex is like nothing I've experienced before. And how I wish I could drop some of that for tenderness.
"True."
She laughs. "You're a man of little words—sometimes."
"Then don't try to push them out of me."
She strokes my scruff with her thumb, watching the movement, and I suddenly realise I'm lost in one of the moments I imagined.
Vee and Xander, not War meets War.
"I want to know the man beneath the facade. I want to be with him."
So do I.
"Maybe when this shit is over and things calm down, we can have this conversation."
"Things will never calm down, will they?"
Each word she speaks, every unhidden emotion she shows, pulls me further apart. I'm not used to moments like this, and I want to fight instead. When I clash with Vee, we don't think. We don't talk. We just do.
My mouth dries as the moment intensifies. Don't kiss her. Don't let go.
I close my eyes and when I open them again she's closer, her mouth millimetr
es from mine. The spark between us is almost tangible, and the hesitation something new. Normally our mouths crash together in frustration and need, but now all I want is her mouth soft against mine, and not hard and demanding.
I take Vee's face in both hands, intending to move her lips away. The fact her skin is smoother than I remember, her eyes filled with more than raw desire, ends my resolve.
Our mouths meet in a gentle kiss. I take time to relish how she tastes, how soft her lips are as they gently move against mine. This kiss delves inside and Vee pulls a new part of me into her. Not my War, but the love hidden inside and denied.
My life changed when I met Vee, but more than I expected. I’ve had to admit to myself, Vee is more than a weapon to help us and more than the infuriating girl I battle to control. She always held a piece of mine, but I need to give her more.
There's no breathless lust or battle for the upper hand unleashed by our kiss. Something different takes hold, and the bonds holding my emotions unshackle as Vee's touch pulls them away. This time I want to hold and love her, not fight until we release our frustration.
This is what I never wanted, but always craved.
Vee pulls away first, pink cheeked, tears still held in her eyes. She touches my lips. "I wanted you to know I care about you, Xander. Thank you for showing me how you feel." Her smile joins the bright day in lifting the shadows. "Maybe one day you'll tell me too."
Over the years, I've learned to read people's eyes, searching for their intent. I know that as much can be spoken with a look and a touch as with any words, another reason I avoid both.
"You know I care about you," I say my eyes silently telling her more.
"And I care about you too."
She emphasises the words care about. We both know the truth runs deeper, but for now those words are as far as we go.
Without her lips on mine, I'm snapped back to our other reality. "We have shit to do."
"Of course." For one awkward moment I think Vee's about to hold my hand to walk back, but she loops an arm through mine again. "Let's get back to the shit we have to do."