Resuscitate (Annihilate #1)
Page 28
Zayne and I lay there for another hour before finally getting up to go to the Columbarium.
Breathe Me
I drive the forty-five minutes to Rhys’ final resting spot. Once at the Columbarium, I sit, not wanting to move, my anxiety high.
“You okay, Babe?” I stare ahead at the building housing Rhys’ ashes. Am I okay? I have no way to answer that. My emotions swirl, but I know it’s time.
“I will be, you ready?” I ask, looking over at Zayne. He smiles, but it doesn’t reach his dismal eyes. Standing in front of Rhys’ plaque, I put the flowers in the holder next to it. I admire it for a minute, looking at his handsome face inscribed on it.
Rhys Cole Walker.
Feb. 29, 1996–Mar. 06, 2013
Courageous and beloved son, brother, and friend
Time may pass, life goes on, but in our hearts,
you are never gone.
Zayne grips my hand silently giving me the love and courage I need.
“I know I never told you goodbye or came to your funeral, and I’m sorry about that.” My warm tears slide down my cold cheeks. “I was just so confused. I thought I was enough for you, I thought I could help you through the dark. I guess, in a way, I figured if I didn’t say goodbye, it wouldn’t be real. That maybe you were just pulling a prank and would pop up and tell me ‘just kidding!’ like you used to. I just couldn’t deal.
“That last morning left a deep, resonating scar in my heart. I knew I should have stayed, but there was so much life in your eyes. I never imagined…” I swallow, trying to continue. Images of that morning assault my mind like a slide show. A sob escapes me as I try to hold on to the thin thread of my sanity.
“R-Ryan told me one day that even if I had stayed with you, it wouldn’t have mattered. It would have just been another day that you…I chose not to believe that. I chose to believe that had I stayed, maybe we could have talked and found a way. That’s what hurt the most. I thought I was your best friend, your everything. To know you couldn’t tell me…that’s what broke me.
“I’m so sorry for the time I was mad at you. When Ryan came over that day with the second letter, it all clicked. When I lost you, my heart shattered, but after that letter, my world imploded and I didn’t have you there to hold me, to tell me there was a bright side. I understood your pain, but I hated everything…I just wanted to join you. To have to hear the whispers and rumors around town. People I thought were my friends turned their backs on me. That day, I tried to join you…” Zayne stiffens beside me and squeezes my hand a bit tighter, giving me the silent encouragement I need.
“...but I heard your voice so loud and clear in my head, telling me to stop. It scared me so much. Then you showed me things I had to look forward to. Even though you were gone, you gave me that little bit of hope and I held on to that.” My heart aches, making my tears come harder, blurring my vision.
Zayne turns to me with tears in his eyes. We embrace as the wracking sobs hit my body with a vengeance. Zayne soothes me, but in his voice, I can hear the distress this tale caused. He holds me close, until I’m finally able to form a full sentence. My fingers shake as I take the letter out from my pocket.
“I’m going to give you some time with that, Shorty. I think you need to be alone with him.” I nod. Though my sobs have quieted, my tears still fall. He scrubs his hand down his face before kissing my forehead and walking away.
“Rhys, before I open this letter, I just...I’m trying so hard to understand some things. When I was home earlier, I thought about that day I wanted to kill myself. I remember falling to the floor in shambles after hearing your voice. When I fell, images flashed through my mind: the times we had together, my time without you, the torture I endured, my future. I only saw his silhouette, but it was clear that this was the man who would help me, give me strength, breathe new air into my deflated lungs, give my heart the electricity it needed to beat once again. When I met Zayne, deep in my soul, I knew it he was the man in the vision, but I just need to know...is it him? Is that why your voice is no longer as prominent?” The wind whips through the rows in the Columbarium. I tighten my coat around me. Cold seeps and settles down into my bones. As suddenly as the frosty winds blew, a calmness comes through. Deep inside my body, a warmth spreads.
A hushed serenity befalls me.
My heart speaks loudly in my ears.
One single solitary word.
Yes.
**** Rhys’ letter ***
Natalee, my little ladybug,
I love you. I want you to know you are my world. If you are reading this and I am not there to tell you in person, I’m sorry. Please read this letter the whole way through. Please let me explain as best I can.
You came into my life at such a perfect time. I remember watching you from afar and thinking how beautiful you are. When I heard your voice for the first time, you awakened me. I was in the dark for so long. People could never understand that. My parents and friends…nobody saw how hurt my soul is. Everyone thought I was this perfect kid because I could hide that darkness so well. You saved me from me. I saw beauty for the first time in years. I asked everyone I knew about you. When I finally got the nerve to talk to you, I was so scared. You made me laugh and I loved that, laughing with you. It felt good to my tortured soul. You held this darkness at bay, you helped me see that life was worth living. You did all those things, yet you never knew. I never wanted you to see that blackness, the hopelessness that would creep inside me. I wanted to be better for you. And God, Nat, I was. No matter what I did though, that desperate feeling of despair would still come. Would chain me down and plunge me back into blackness. No matter how much I tried to swim into your light, it would take hold and capture me there for a time. After meeting you, the darkness stayed away for long periods of time. I could regain myself. Then, it consumed me.
You asked me last week what you could do to help me because I had been so distant. The truth was, there was nothing that could be done. I damaged us, I did this, and I am so sorry. I never meant to cheat on you. Nat, you are my muse. My reason to live, and as soon as you find out, I know you will leave me and I can’t handle that. Please know all I want is you. You are all I ever want. The darkness keeps growing because I have failed you as a boyfriend. I can’t face you knowing you will think I wanted this from her. Who would believe me over her? I am so torn. Please know you didn’t do anything wrong. I want you to go on with your life. The world needs you, Natalee. You bring sunshine and love. I hope that one day you will be able to love someone who is not riddled in darkness. I will love and protect you at all costs. I will be rooting for you. Music is the key, Nat. Use your ability to show the world how beautiful it can be. I love you more than you will ever realize.
Eternally yours,
Rhys
My knees give out and I fall to the cold concrete floor. How could he possibly believe he did this?
She did this to us, to him—he never stood a chance. One palm flat on the ground, the other holds Rhys’ letter.
“Why, Rhys?” I yell. “Why didn’t you just tell me?”
Moments later, strong arms pull me into their embrace. My wails are loud and unforgiving.
“Why, Rhys...why?”
Zayne sits with me in his lap, rocking me, soothing me. My body is exhausted. All I want is to be in bed, wrapped in Zayne’s arms.
“Baby, you okay?” Zayne asks after my wails have quieted to sobbing hiccups.
“I-I wi…ll be,” I stammer through my sobs.
“Was it the letter?” he asks, still rocking me.
I nod, breathing Zayne’s scent in. Slowly, his scent permeates my senses, soothing me. My eyes grow weary. I know I need to say goodbye before I leave. Gathering all the strength I have, I take one last deep breath before standing.
“I need to say this before we leave.” I turn back to Rhys’ tomb, wiping away the remainder of my tears.
“I’m sorry you felt that way. I’m so sorry for what she did. Thank you for g
iving me the strength I needed all these years. Thank you for helping me find my way. I will always love you and our memories will stay in my heart, giving me that push I need when I feel that sadness. It was never your fault, Rhys. You did nothing wrong. You can rest now knowing I don’t blame or hate you. Most of all, thank you for showing me what love is.” I place a kiss on his plaque before leaving.
It’s still early afternoon when we get back to my dad’s house. I need a hot shower, food, and sleep. Walking into the kitchen, Zayne and I sit on the tuft bar stools.
“How you holding up?” His whisky eyes track my face.
I shrug. I have no idea how to sum up how I feel, and that was just the first phase in this trip. I need to tell him the real reason for Rhys’ suicide.
“Thank you for being here. I know it can’t be easy,” I say to him. He smiles at me somberly.
“I would do anything for you, Natalee. I love you.” I get up and walk to stand between his legs. I take his face in my hands, loving the way his scruff feels against my palms.
“I love you, too, Zayne Morad. I have for a while. I was—” My next words are swallowed by Zayne’s lips.
“Say it again, Natalee.” My face breaks out into a smile, seeing how happy he is.
“I love you,” I whisper. His eyes lock on mine and he leans in, murmuring against my lips, “I love you, too, Natalee.” He kisses me softly.
“Natalee?” my dad’s frantic voice calls. I pull away from Zayne, looking over as my dad walks in. His pupils are dilated and darting around nervously, a light sheen of sweat covers his pale face. His dark hair and clothing are disheveled, not looking anything like the man who left here a few hours ago. An officer walks in behind him.
My heart rate spikes.
“Dad, what’s the matter?”
“Your mother was released from prison.” My world stops—again.
Never Be Alone
I blink, confused by the words coming out of Natalee’s dad’s mouth. Her mom is—was, in prison? Why? Questions begin to churn. Is this why she never talks about her? Is this her secret? I look at Natalee, who looks like she’s about to pass out. I grab her hips, bringing her into my lap.
“But…I...I thought. No, that can’t be right.” She shakes her head in disbelief.
“I’m sorry, Ms. Martello. I came by to inform you both, but your father got the call before I was sent over,” the officer tells Natalee. Wait, who the fuck is Ms. Martello? Am I missing something? I hold Shorty tighter, her body shaking.
The officer turns to Natalee’s dad. “I’m sorry, Stephen. Mark wanted me to make sure you both knew. She will be staying in a halfway house. I don’t know where she will go since…” his eyes slide in Natalee’s direction, “well, she has no other family here.”
“Can she transfer to another state, like California?” Natalee asks timidly, her voice terrified.
The officer looks to Natalee’s dad before answering her. “I’m sorry, Ms. Martello, but yes, if she does well on her parole, she can request it. I’m sure she would move to where she has family, granted they want to take her in.” Natalee nods. Her dad and the officer leave the kitchen, talking in hushed tones.
“Babe?” The apprehension in my voice is apparent. Natalee stands and takes my hand, leading me up the stairs to her room. The air shifts from happy to thick, weighed down sadness in less than fifteen minutes.
She sits me on her bed, then proceeds to pace the floor, biting the side of her thumb. I give her a few moments to collect her thoughts.
“Two years ago, we didn’t live in this house. We lived over by where Rhys’ ashes are. In that town, rather. We moved here after…” she swallows a few times, looking around the room, “after we found out what my mom did to Rhys.” What the fuck?
“About an hour before the police came to arrest my mom, Ryan came over and told me he found something on Rhys’ laptop. He said he felt there was something telling him to check it because up to that point, he hadn’t had the urge to touch it. He found a file and in the file was a letter. He printed it out and gave it to me.
“I wasn’t going to read it, but my mom came home hysterical, followed by my dad. They were arguing, which was unusual. They would never yell around me, but my dad was calling her names, saying she destroyed his heart. I crept down the stairs to listen and he just kept asking her, ‘How long? How long have you been fucking that boy?’ I froze, unable to comprehend.
“The doorbell rang and rang, but they were in the kitchen yelling, so I went to answer the door. Two policemen stood on my doorstep. I thought the neighbors heard my parents and called them, but I was wrong. They came to arrest my mother. For lewd acts with a minor.” Shock rolls through my body. Had Natalee’s mother had an affair with her boyfriend? I can’t process words. A mother wouldn’t do that to her child, would they? But Rhys loved Natalee, right? My head spins in confusion.
“She was having an affair with another student from my school. My mom was the Vice Principal. He was seventeen, due to turn eighteen any day or some shit. When the guys found out my mom was the VP, they would say stuff like, ‘Call me stepdaddy, Nat. I’ll fuck your mom so good, that MILF.’ I never thought much about it, but when we found out who she was seducing, it made sense. When they took her, I was still dazed and puzzled. How did Dad and I miss this? I went back to my room and read what Ryan had brought over. That’s when my world was demolished, pushing me so far into the darkness, I was suffocating.” She hands me the letter. I take it with my shaking fingers. It’s not a letter, more like journal entries. Shorty walks across the room to her window and looks out, lost in her thoughts. I begin to read.
1/17/13
I never wanted this. I never asked her for anything. I can’t live with myself knowing I’ve cheated on Natalee. I was called into her office. She said she needed to figure out my schedule. It was an odd request, but she’s the Vice Principal and Natalee’s mom. Why would I think she would make me cheat on her daughter? She said I had been giving her signals. She began rubbing on my dick. I tried not to get hard, but it was no use. She told me she thought I was hot and had wondered how I would fuck. She said she fantasized about my dick and me. Then she pulled it out and sucked it. God, it was the worst thing. I love Natalee, she’s my life. I tried so hard not to let her affect me. I started getting soft and she got angry, telling me she wanted me to fuck her. I told her no, I couldn’t do that to Natalee. She said she was better than Natalee. That she was prettier and more experienced. That she could teach me things Natalee couldn’t. I told her no. She got up and said if I told anyone, especially Natalee, she would say I was lying and make it look like I came on to her. Who would believe me if I told them? If I tell Nat, she’ll be angry with me for allowing this to happen. She’ll leave me and I can’t handle that. What do I do? I love Natalee. I never wanted this.
1/22/13
Natalee is worried about me. I can’t look her in the face knowing what I’ve done. I cut myself to let the pressure out. I can’t take it, the look of pity she has for me. I love her so much and don’t want to lose her. What can I do?
1/27/13
I’ve been cutting myself more and more. The blackness is consuming me. I can’t take the pretending. Seeing Bianca act like everything's normal. Carrying on as if nothing happened and she didn’t make me cheat on her daughter. It’s driving me crazy. How can she hug Natalee and wink at me over her daughter’s head? How can she be so sick and evil?
2/05/13
Natalee is asking questions, wondering why I won’t go to her house anymore. She came over last night, snuck into my window. She said she’s worried. She suspects something is wrong, but I can’t tell her. She would never believe me. I want to die. The hole in my soul is irreparable. What have I done to Natalee? To us? My cuts are getting to be more and more. Deeper each time, relieving the hurt and secret I never wanted to have. I won’t be intimate with Natalee for fear of her seeing the cuts.
2/10/13
Natalee’s birthday
dinner was a disaster. I went to the bathroom and Bianca followed me. She kissed me, saying she was still waiting for her dessert. Why won’t she leave me alone? I feel like I’m drowning and there is nobody I can turn to for help.
2/20/13
Bianca has become persistent. I’ve been called into her office so many times, but I just go into the bathroom and hide until the next period. My anxiety is spiking. I don’t even want to go to school. I want to stay in bed, but then my parents would want to know what’s wrong. They’d take me back to the mental hospital. Maybe that’s what I need to get away from her.
2/28/13
She caught me today. I’ve been ditching classes. Security caught me and I was sent to ISS. Bianca came in saying I had to stay after school to do clean up. She already called my parents. I was cleaning the bathroom, I didn’t hear her come in. She grabbed my dick and made it hard. I told her I love Natalee, but she said Natalee could never love me after she finds out what I’ve done. She said she’d make sure of it. I hate her. Why can’t she do this with someone who actually wants it?
3/3/13
Deeper and deeper, I go. There is no escape. Only one way to remedy this. I don’t want Natalee to hate me. I can’t go on this way. Further and further, the nothingness takes me. Fuck life! Is this what I was put here for? To hurt the one person who believes in me? Who loves me? I’m sick and twisted. I don’t want Bianca, but she keeps finding ways to touch me and I feel dirty, so dirty. I wash myself until I’m raw, but it’s no use. She has tainted me.
3/6/13
I made Natalee leave. I can no longer live with this secret. I can no longer lie. There is no hope for me. I am a liar. A sicko who cheated on his wonderful girlfriend. I am nothing. Natalee is better off without me. She deserves more. I tried to hold on, but I know I’m nothing. I’m a leech; a boy with no future. Bianca made sure of that.