Deathbed Dimes

by Naomi Elana Zener

  “Morning, sunshine,” he beamed, handing me my coffee. “I trust that you slept well?”

  “Please tell me that we didn’t sleep together?” I blurted out uncontrollably.

  “Good morning, Ethan. Or thanks for the coffee would have worked too,” he said.

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “Good morning. So, did we sleep together?”

  “How do you define ‘sleep together’?” he inquired.

  “Ok, Clinton, I am not about to debate the semantics of sexual activity with you,” I fumed, anxious for my caffeine.

  “No, we did not have sex, if that is what you were asking,” he advised, “but we shared a bed. You may want to change the sheets though …”

  “What for? I thought you said we didn’t have sex?” I asked, panicking.

  “Because of the puke,” he said.

  “Oh yeah, right, sorry ‘bout that,” I said, biting into my toast. “Clearly I tied on one last night.”

  “I’d say so,” he said as he approached me. “So, what do you want to do today?”

  “Do?” I asked, squirming away from his hand on the small of my back. I quickly sat down at my desk chair so he could not sit next to me.

  “Well, I thought that maybe we could take a drive up the PCH and maybe talk …” he said.

  “Talk? About what? Work?” I asked, continuing to shove toast into my mouth believing that if it was full, he would not kiss me again.

  “Not quite,” he said, confused. “How about us?”

  I remained silent and still. The deafening silence was pierced by the sound of my teeth crunching my toast.

  “Joely, you have to know that last night was, just, well, incredible,” he exclaimed.

  “I don’t understand. You said we didn’t sleep together,” I said.

  “Joely, I’ve been in love with you for fifteen years! I’ve never known anyone as beautiful, smart, talented and as full of integrity as you!” he declared as he fell to his knees before me. Fearing that he was about to propose marriage, I quickly rose to my feet and moved to the sofa, the place where this disaster began.

  “I am so happy that our feelings are finally out in the open! I’ve waited for so long, through Blake, Yan …” he continued.

  “Um, Ethan, you know that I love you, but it’s always been as a friend,” I said hesitantly.

  “I don’t understand,” he replied. “Last night, neither of us could deny the palpable attraction between us.”

  “I was really drunk,” I said.

  “Joely, this was not the first time that there has been tension between us. The chemistry has always been there,” he argued.

  “Maybe there was something years ago, but you never showed any interest in me back then. Nothing happened, and so much time has passed since then — we’ve become good friends, law partners even, and pursuing a relationship would be a mistake,” I said evenly, though not entirely convinced myself. “We don’t want to throw that history away now, do we?”

  “I am not talking about throwing away history. I am talking about building our future on it!” He rose to his feet, his voice creeping to a yell.

  “You don’t have to shout at me,” I said. “I’m only thinking about protecting your feelings.”

  “My feelings? I am sitting here telling you that I’m in LOVE with you and you are trying to let me down easy,” he yelled. “Why do you think I ever left my firm? Because I wanted to risk my career and move to this superficial wasteland?”

  “I don’t want to hurt you,” I cried. “Ethan, you’re my best friend. If I’d have known that this was how you felt, I would never have agreed to you joining the firm.”

  “Gee thanks!” He threw his napkin on the floor and strode toward the front door. “I’m such a fucking idiot!”

  “No, no, you’re not,” I said, running after him as gracefully as I could in a towel. “Ethan, please don’t go. Let’s figure this out. We can work this out.”

  “What kills me, Joely, is that you are more than happy to go for guys like your dad who will obliterate your heart, but when someone comes along who is offering you true love and respect, your self-destructive blindness rejects it. You create your own misery!” he shouted as he stopped in front of the pool. “I’m not sure who you hate more, men or yourself.”

  “I’m self-destructive? You’re a man-whore,” I shouted angrily, hurt that he could profess his undying love one minute and insult me the next. “You’ve slept with almost as many women as Ron Jeremy. Were you trying to forget your feelings for me by fucking your way out of them? For someone who was so in love, did it ever occur to you in the fifteen years that you’ve known me to use your words instead of your dick?”

  “Listen, we should stop this before we really say something that we regret or that I cannot take back,” he said quietly.

  “Yeah, you’re right. You should just leave,” I said.

  “Fine. I’m gone. And if you don’t want me to be your law partner, then I’ll be on the first plane to San Fran. My job has always been waiting for me,” he threatened as he left.

  I returned to my pool house and broke down in tears. I stayed put for hours. Thankfully, Sylvia was out of town filming a foreign commercial and had given the house staff a week off. I took comfort in knowing that there was no one to witness the drama between Ethan and me. I finally got up at five o’clock and called Coco.

  “Hi, Co,” I said quietly.

  “Don’t scream at me,” she whined.

  “I’m not.”

  “I’m so hungover,” she replied. “How are you?”

  “I don’t want to get into that right now. What are you doing tonight?” I asked.

  “Watching Beaches with Lucky,” she replied.

  “Are you serious?” I asked.

  “No, you dumbass! What were you thinking?” she asked.

  “Dinner, martinis, Les Deux …” I suggested.

  “What kind of martinis?” she asked.

  “I’ll take that as a yes,” I said.

  “And you’re buying this time,” she informed me.

  “Fine. Pick me up in a few hours. I have to call my therapist,” I said.

  “Tell Doctor Feel-Me-Up I say hi!” she giggled and hung up.

  I saw that I had missed several texts, all of which were from Ethan.

  The first read, “Joely, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

  Followed by, “No matter how I feel, you’re still my best friend.”

  By the time I read the seventh one, “I’m not going back to SF. I’m still your partner,” I was more confused than before.

  Although I was somewhat relieved, Ethan did manage to stir something within me. I hoped they were emotions that Dr. Feelgoodstein could obliterate with a syringe or would disappear with a night of debauchery. I dialed the familiar number.

  “Dr. Feelgoodstein?” I inquired.

  “Yes?” he replied.

  “It’s Joely Zeller. I need your help.”

  “Do you want to come into the office?” he asked. No, I did not want to go to his version of an office — a tent in an all-black room in his house in the Valley, the only light coming from a lava lamp. He said he was recreating the environment of a womb so that his patients will feel safe. I was not about to oblige.

  I proceeded to spill about last night’s exploits, my nightmare and the battle royale with Ethan from this morning.

  “Well, if we begin with your nightmare, the simplest explanation is that it is quite common for unmarried, childless women your age to experience manifestations of their subconscious fears during slumber, telling them that their biological clocks are ticking and that they are afraid of roaming the planet in a state of eternal isolation,” he said.

  “In other words …” I said.

  “You’re stressed out, afraid of failure and dying alone. You have unresolved daddy issues that have prevented you from a healthy relationship with Ethan, whom you’ve kept at bay all of these years,” he concluded. Way to break it t
o me gently, Doc.

  “Are you for real? My mother is paying you four hundred dollars an hour for you tell me that? I am fully aware that I have spent some of my best child-bearing years with the wrong men. One who was married and broke my heart. The other who was gay and broke my bank account. Both of them hurt me in ways that Armand never could, only because I am afraid that the right guy will destroy my soul like my father did to my mother!” I let out a cry of frustration.

  “You chose to become a lawyer. You chose to have a career. You could have chosen marriage,” he said. “Like Ethan said, his feelings have always been there, even when there was Blake and throughout the Yan ordeal.”

  “Ethan is my best friend. He’s not the one …” I protested.

  “You tell yourself whatever helps you sleep at night,” he interrupted. “You’re missing out on marriage and children because you choose to.”

  “So you’re telling me that my choice to have a career has been a waste of time and is the reason I am not married? That’s mighty progressive of you. It’s no wonder then that I have been toiling my ovaries off for the last eight years, only to have some WASP-bred asshole named after a spud screw me worse than Blake or Yan ever did, because, as a woman, I should have only been breeding and feeding babies instead. So your sage advice really is that instead of having spent those years being overlooked for partnership, I should’ve married my best friend and made babies. But because of my choices, I am plagued with a tormented subconscious, lamenting about a husband and family I will never have and a failed career, to boot?” I spat breathlessly.

  “I’m a feminist, Joely. I applaud your decision to have a career, but I’m trying to make you aware that you already have realized your choice came at a cost,” he said calmly.

  “You’re a feminist? You’ve been sitting idly by as Sylvia tries to shove two silicone fun bags into my chest to transform me into a dutiful little housewife,” I screamed.

  “Joely, I think you need a Xanax, maybe even some electroshock. This stress is terrible for you. Stress kills, you know,” he advised.

  “No shit, Sherlock. Your brand of therapy is not making it go away! Given everything that I have been through, you don’t think I know that I am stressed?! I’d love to see what you would come up with if you charged more!” I shouted.

  “Well, it sounds like you have some unexpressed anger too …” he advised.

  “Unexpressed? Express this!” I screamed, slamming down the phone. Somehow letting everything out on the doctor lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders.

  I stormed off into my bedroom and pulled out my sexiest outfit. As I got ready, my iPhone did not stop buzzing with texts from Ethan, who was writing to make sure that I was fine. Wanting to maintain this newfound inner strength and sense of weightlessness, I ignored his messages. After Coco picked me up in a limo that she ordered and billed to my mother’s house account, we enjoyed many martinis at dinner followed by a few more at Sky Bar and Les Deux. Coco and I partied the night away, dancing and flirting shamelessly with a variety of D-list celebrities from the newest reality shows on MTV and FOX, as I tried to erase all memory of what transpired with Ethan.

  CHAPTER 14

  Trifecta of the Apocalypse

  My iPhone buzzed incessantly with messages from Ethan, so I turned it off for the remainder of the weekend and the first few days of the workweek. Opting to work from home in order to avoid a face-to-face with Ethan, I was welcomed at the office on Thursday morning with an inbox overflowing with emails from clients and one from Ethan.

  Joely, I saw you leaving Les Deux with that guy from Celebrity Rehab last night. Hope it was worth it. We’ll talk Monday night.

  I needed to talk to Ethan as soon as he came into the office if I was going to salvage our friendship, let alone our partnership. Before I could send him an email, Javier burst into my office.

  “Who died?” I exclaimed, startled out of my thoughts.

  “Sorry, Yoely,” Javier replied. “I wanted to let you know that I still have had no luck with the mystery letter writer.”

  “Oh,” I replied. “Well, keep working on it. I have Rita coming in today for her deposition and the hearing is in a few days.”

  “No problem,” he replied, turning to leave.

  “Oh, Javier,” I called, “have you seen Ethan yet this morning?”

  “He was here, but he left,” he said.

  “Where did he go?” I asked, knowing that he rarely left his desk.

  “Well, Tanya was here early too but didn’t know what she should work on, so she asked Ethan if he would join her for breakfast,” he said, his voice dropping.

  “Well, isn’t that cozy,” I said sarcastically. “Why didn’t you go with them?”

  “I wasn’t invited, if you know what I mean” he replied.

  I nodded and returned my attention to reviewing our updated client list. The only gap in our workflow was Coco’s. Although Coco would ultimately manage to bring over the majority of her paying clients, most of her matters were being neglected because Lucky had been diverting her attention. The dog had to go. Nearly 45 minutes after Javier left, I heard Ethan and Tanya waltz into the office, laughing.

  “Well, thank you so much for breakfast,” I heard Tanya say as she and Ethan stood in what seemed to be a strategic way outside of my office doors.

  “It was my pleasure,” Ethan said. “If you need anything at all, you just let me know. I’ll be happy to show you the ropes.”

  “I definitely will,” Tanya said, her voice lifting flirtatiously.

  “Excuse me,” I called out. “Ethan? Tanya? Are you there?”

  “Hi, Joely!” Tanya replied, walking into my office and sitting down. Clearly this woman’s sense of formality and professionalism had been abandoned.

  “Have a seat,” I instructed curtly. Ethan remained standing at the door, hovering awkwardly.

  “Did you just get here?” she asked innocently.

  “I’ve been here since 8:30 a.m. when I thought you would be here,” I advised.

  “So sorry about that,” Tanya said. “I was here at 8:15 a.m. but because I had no idea what I would be working on and since you weren’t here and Ethan was, I thought that I could pick his brain on what file work I could expect to receive.”

  “Resourceful,” I said. “I’m sure he was more than amenable in taking you under his wing.”

  Noting the tension, Ethan walked in and sat down in an attempt to clear the air.

  “I thought it would be a nice way to welcome her to the firm,” he said.

  “I guess I can cancel the lunch reservation I had made since you’ve already taken care of welcoming her for me,” I said sweetly. “It’s just too bad that Javier wasn’t able to join you both.”

  They both blushed red, scrambling to find a way to produce an excuse for excluding Javier.

  “In any event, we have a very busy day ahead of us,” I continued before they could cover their asses, “Tanya, you will be primarily assisting Coco and picking up any overflow from Javier.”

  “Oh, great, but what about Ethan?” she asked, looking at him. “I thought I would be working for him too?”

  “Well, given that you have mostly a litigation background and since that is what is consuming the majority of our practice at the moment, your corporate legal education will just have to wait,” I replied, annoyed by Tanya’s transparent agenda to go after Ethan. “So why don’t you go speak with Javier, whom you’ve already met briefly, and he will give your work.”

  “Thanks,” she said quietly as she got up from her chair and left.

  “Please close the door behind you,” I instructed.

  Once the door closed, the already turgid strain between Ethan and me swelled uncomfortably.

  “Listen, Joely. I’m sorry that she wasn’t here,” Ethan started, “but I really thought it would be a good idea to welcome the new hire. She really was here at 8:15 a.m.”

  “That’s totally fine. I’m really not concerned
with Tanya. She’s just a part-timer, so it’s really no sweat off my back if she wasn’t here when I was. So long as the work gets done, she has a job,” I advised.

  “So, did you get my email?” he asked nervously.

  “We can discuss that later,” I replied.

  “At dinner?” he asked. “I still have it marked in my calendar.”

  “Sure,” I replied. “Now, on to other matters. I saw from one of your many emails that Armand is coming in today.”

  “At 11 a.m. for his competency assessment,” Ethan advised.

  “Well, just in case that woman Antonia shows up, I have Janice and Trevor on alert to keep her away,” I informed him.

  “I thought that, other than Coco and myself, you weren’t telling anyone about this issue,” he said, eyebrows pinching in worry.

  “I gave them her picture and told them that she is a woman who has been stalking you for weeks and is a psych patient,” I laughed. “Janice could not be more excited by the dramatic situation.”

  “Gee, thanks for tangling me in your maniacal web,” he said sarcastically. “Couldn’t we have just had Armand meet me at the doctor’s hotel?”

  “No!” I exclaimed. “First of all, this competency hearing has to be done right. I cannot allow anyone, especially that conniving wench Antonia, to have any grounds to challenge Dr. Soundtree’s findings. So a hotel room is out of the question. An office setting makes more sense. Second, the only way I could convince Armand to meet you was under the auspice of you drawing up contracts for his new movie.”

  “Gotcha,” he said as he rose to leave. “Look, if she shows up, I am sure that the two drama queens out front will take care of her.”