Deathbed Dimes

by Naomi Elana Zener

  “Don’t worry, Joely. This is going to be a no-brainer for the judge,” Ethan said, reassuring me with a squeeze on the shoulder.

  “Of course it will, dear daughter,” Armand said, his arms tossing about dreamily. “How could he not approve of my film? I’m a box office darling. Do you think he’s seen my other work?”

  “Sure, Armand. Everyone has seen your films,” I said, mustering a pitiful smile.

  “Are you ready?” I asked Coco.

  “Of course. Joely, you have nothing to worry about,” Coco said, smiling confidently.

  “You sure about that?” a familiar male voice asked from behind me.

  We all turned around to see Antonia standing in the gallery with Chip by her side. She had been uncharacteristically quiet for the past few weeks and we now knew why.

  “What the hell are you doing here?” I demanded, blood rushing to my face.

  “I’m here for a hearing,” Chip said casually. “I’m representing my client, Antonia.” My jaw fell.

  “Get the hell out of here, you son of a bitch!” Ethan yelled, the skin around his collar turning pink. “What do you think you are doing, Antonia?”

  “You really should calm yourself. Stress is not good for your health,” Chip chided, moving out of the gallery seating to face us fully.

  “I’m here to protect my Armie from you weasels trying to say he is sick,” Antonia replied, squeezing her voice a ridiculous toddler pitch.

  “He is sick. He needs protection from you. You are only trying to steal his money,” I said, trying to keep my emotions at bay.

  “Protection from moi? I’m his fiancée! And I’m the main investor in his film. I’m here to protect my future,” she said, heels snapping against the courtroom’s hardwood. “I mean our future!”

  “Antonia! When did you arrive?” Armand said, looking over at her surprised. “I haven’t seen you in weeks. How was Italy?”

  “Armand, we were together only this morning,” she replied uneasily.

  “Sure, he’s totally with it,” Coco said sarcastically, rolling her eyes.

  “He’s fine. He’s just a creative spirit and sometimes he gets so involved in his art he forgets things,” Antonia replied defensively.

  “Excuse me, miss?” Coco called out after the court stenographer who was present for the entire exchange. “I’m calling you as a witness today since you heard everything that happened here. Please find another stenographer to cover for you.”

  The stenographer left the courtroom to find a replacement while Chip stood there gnawing his lip worriedly.

  “How did you even come to represent Antonia?” I asked Chip.

  “I’m a distinguished attorney in the estates bar, so why shouldn’t she hire me,” he replied. “You’re not the only player in town.”

  “Well, for starters, you still are not licensed here. So unless you wrote the bar in the last two weeks, which would be impossible considering that the next exam is not for another six months, you are not competent to act alone,” I said.

  “My co-counsel is en route,” he replied.

  “Oh good. You’re bringing your training wheels.” I looked at Chip and Antonia, trying to piece the situation together. “How did you come to know about Antonia?”

  Chip shuffled his feet uncomfortably. I knew he couldn’t withstand cross-examination. He was beginning to break. Observing the drama, Armand started to walk around us, arms raised as though he were holding up an imaginary camera. Antonia sat at Chip’s counsel table talking on her cellphone.

  “Hold on a second. You little shit! You were eavesdropping on our meeting when you showed up the other day to serve your notice of defense,” Ethan said, slamming an open palm on the wood bench in front of him.

  “That’s right, you saw him in the reception area. How the hell else would he have known about this situation?” I said, nodding as I caught on to Ethan’s train of thought.

  “It really doesn’t matter how Antonia and I found each other,” Chip said flippantly. “But, Joely, now you know how it feels to have insider information used against you.”

  “I’m going to kill you!” I shrieked, ready to pounce. Ethan and Coco put their arms out to restrain me as Chip ran behind Antonia to protect himself.

  “Yes! Yes! Keep up that energy, Sylvia!” Armand shouted. “You’re a wonderful actress!”

  “She is NOT Sylvia. She’s your daughter, Joely, and this is not the film, Armie,” Antonia snapped, using one hand to cover her cellphone. “We are in a courtroom, and they are trying to say you are crazy!”

  “I am crazy. I am mad for movies,” Armand laughed as he continued to film us.

  “You made a huge mistake screwing with my family,” I told Chip.

  “Now I get why you are so nuts. You come by it honestly,” Chip shouted. “Thank god I never slept with you or else I would have been treated to your psycho personality.”

  Ethan’s left hook came out of nowhere, landing dead on Chip’s right eye. Chip fell to the floor panting.

  “What the fuck, man?” Chip shrieked.

  “You do NOT speak to Joely like that!” Ethan yelled as Coco held him back.

  “This is fantastic. A love triangle. A fist fight,” Armand cried. “This is a director’s dream! This will win me an Oscar.”

  “What the hell is going on here? What is that whore doing here?” Sylvia screamed, removing her oversized sunglasses to take in the madhouse.

  “Mom, calm down,” I begged as she walked in.

  “I will not calm down. That bitch has been coming by my home on a weekly basis, harassing my staff and demanding to be allowed in. It is not bad enough that my home has become my prison where I hide from the humiliation of being a put-upon wife, I now have to remain there to protect it from this witch,” Sylvia shrieked, her eyes crazed and bloodshot.

  “Are you going to let your former wife speak to me this way, Armie?” Antonia cried, jamming a long fingernail into her cellphone to end the call.

  “Former wife? I am his ONLY wife,” Sylvia bellowed. “How could you do this to me, Armand? I’ve financed your lifestyle for decades. I have looked the other way while you disgraced our marriage and this is how you repay me? By exposing us to some bottom-feeding, two-bit tramp trying to get rich quick by taking advantage of you?”

  “Sylvia, my muse, are you ready for your close-up?” he asked, enthusiastic and oblivious.

  “Armie, I am your leading lady,” Antonia said, her voice shrill in desperation.

  “Only Sylvia can light up a screen,” Armand replied, clearly in the midst of a grand delusionary episode.

  “He loves you? He doesn’t even know who you are,” I spat. “You are just here to take his money.”

  “I would never hurt him,” Antonia exclaimed, feigning insult.

  “Order in the court,” Judge Stockton’s booming voice rang out from behind the bench. Apparently, the judge had entered the courtroom several minutes earlier, but we were too preoccupied to notice. The first stenographer had returned and was seated in the gallery prepared to attest to the opening scenes of the melee she observed earlier.

  “Everybody sit down,” the judge ordered, stressing each word with a sharp edge. “I want order in this court or I will hold you all in contempt.”

  Judge Stockton was an older man who had moved to the estates bench after a long career as a criminal court judge. Tired of hearing case after case of murderers and rapists, he felt that he needed a change of pace, wanting to adjudicate matters involving the newly disinherited and dispossessed. He was a tall man with a killer poker face — Judge Stockton could be terrifying to testify for.

  We all sat down at our respective tables almost simultaneously, silent except for the shuffle of chairs. The judge’s stare bore through our skulls, conveying his disappointment and anger. Armand continued to film the proceedings with his faux camera.

  “In my life, I have never seen such a display of unprofessional behaviour,” the judge stated. “I hav
e it on good authority to report you all to the state bar.”

  “Oh, not me, your Honour. I’m only a member of the New York bar,” Chip advised.

  “Thank you for telling me that, Mr …?” the judge said mockingly.

  “Hancock. Chester Hancock, sir, counsel for Antonia …” Chip started.

  “Mr. Hancock, you can rest assured that the New York bar will hear of both your unprofessional behaviour here today, as well as the fact that you are appearing as counsel of record and not as a member of the California bar,” the judge said.

  “My California-licensed co-counsel is on his way,” Chip stammered.

  “Maybe, but you are listed as the counsel of record and you have not applied to me in writing in advance of today’s proceedings to appear as counsel pro hac vice,” the judge said smiling.

  Chip lowered his head. I couldn’t help but laugh. Not only had he never applied to appear as counsel pro hac vice after having been told to do so by Judge Williams, but because he was so stupid and lazy, he did not understand what pro hac vice meant and he had no idea where to look up the rule.

  “Is there something amusing you?” the judge asked me.

  “No, your Honour,” I replied. “I’d like to apologize for our behaviour here today. I’m sure that you can understand based on the record before you that this is a highly sensitive and difficult matter.”

  “Who are you?” the judge asked.

  “I am Armand Zeller’s daughter,” I said. “I’m seeking that he be declared mentally incompetent and that I be appointed as his guardian for property under the terms of his power of attorney.”

  “Who is acting as Mr. Zeller’s counsel?” the judge asked.

  “I am sir,” Coco offered. “Coco Hirohito. Please accept my most humble apologies on behalf of my client, Ms. Zeller and my partner, Ethan Berg.”

  “Ah, I take it that Mr. Berg is our resident Rocky?” the judge asked. Clearly, the judge witnessed far more of our brawl than I had thought. Ethan slumped low into his chair. Never once in his legal career had he lost his temper in such a way that he resorted to physical violence. Despite all of my pains to convince myself that Ethan’s feelings for me had mellowed, based on his rearrangement of Chip’s face, I seem to have misjudged his emotional maturity.

  “Why is your client here?” the judge asked Chip.

  “Miss Antonia Ladro. She is Mr. Zeller’s fiancée,” Chip advised the judge.

  “That is impossible,” Sylvia screamed from the gallery. “I am his wife and we are not getting a divorce.”

  “Is this true?” the judge asked, staring at Coco.

  “Yes, your Honour. No separation or divorce proceedings have been initiated by either Mr. or Mrs. Zeller,” Coco said.

  “But we are engaged,” Antonia shrieked.

  “Sit down!” The judge stared at Antonia angrily.

  “Excuse me, your Honour, but this is precisely one of the reasons we are here today,” Coco advised. “Based on the evidence before you, Mr. Zeller has been deemed mentally incompetent by several pre-eminent physicians, including Dr. Soundtree of New York, a leading psychiatrist in the area of mental competency. In addition to what you observed here today, I intend to call to witness the stenographer sitting in the gallery who observed Mr. Zeller’s behaviour prior to the commencement of this hearing. I will prove that it is in Mr. Zeller’s best interests that his daughter, a practicing estates attorney and licensed member of the California bar, be appointed as his guardian for both property and personal care.”

  “Thank you, Ms. Hirohito,” the judge stated. “Mr. Hancock, bigamy is illegal in the state of California. Given Mr. Zeller’s wife’s assertions without any dispute from Mr. Zeller, as well as Ms. Hirohito’s information, your client is at best Mr. Zeller’s mistress and has no legal standing to dispute today’s proceedings.”

  “Well, she is also the main investor in his new movie,” Chip said.

  “The one he is filming right now?” the judge asked sarcastically, pointing to Armand’s invisible camera.

  “No, your Honour, he actually is planning to shoot a new movie and Antonia is both his lead actress and principal investor,” Chip continued. “Her interest in these proceedings is to ensure that if he is declared incompetent, her investment won’t be lost.”

  “Has she given him any money?” the judge asked.

  “No, not yet. It is her assertion that he is compos mentis and that this proceeding should be dismissed,” Chip replied.

  “I’m confused. If she hasn’t given him a dime, then she doesn’t risk losing anything except perhaps her standing as his leading lady,” the judge said, each word strained with impatience. “For the record, Mr. Zeller called his wife his muse.”

  “Your Honour, may I say something?” I asked. The judge nodded, giving me permission to proceed. “Antonia is only in my father’s life because he is rich — well, my mother is rich and so as a result he is too. Antonia has been trying to take advantage of him in order to take his money, nothing more. I just want to protect both of my parents’ best interests.”

  “You called me father,” Armand said, looking up at me with tears in his eyes. “My little girl called me Dad.”

  “You see, your Honour, he is clearly not well, and we will call witness after witness to prove it,” I said with tears welling up in my eyes. I felt such sadness for Armand, Sylvia and myself. That one moment in which he called me his little girl represented the fatherly tenderness I had needed my entire life.

  “Thank you, Miss Zeller. I did have the opportunity to witness your father’s conduct. I am convinced based on the medical records I have reviewed in advance of this hearing and given everything that transpired here today that your father is non compos mentis,” the judge opined.

  “But, your Honour, what you observed was highly prejudicial to the proceedings,” Chip argued.

  “Unfortunately for you, Mr. Hancock, you really have no standing here today and neither does your client. Furthermore, you’re one of the most incompetent attorneys I’ve ever met. If you were prepared for this case, you would never have appeared before me today or taken on this matter. And, at the very least, if you had chosen to go ahead despite the fact that your client has no case, you would have had California-licensed co-counsel with you. As for what I observed, the proceedings began when I entered the courtroom. You were all too busy fighting to notice. It would be prejudicial to your client if what I had observed took place extra-judicially, but thankfully it did not. As such, it is the order of this court that Armand Zeller is declared non compos mentis and that his daughter, pursuant to the terms of Mr. Zeller’s power of attorney, shall be instated as his guardian for property. This court is hereby adjourned,” the judge said with a slam of his gavel.

  As soon as the judge left the courtroom, Ethan, Coco, my mother and I erupted in cries of joy. With his efforts to defeat and humiliate me for a second time thwarted, Chip fled from the courtroom in a huff. Antonia remained seated, shocked that she did not get what she wanted. I turned to Armand, who was oblivious.

  “Dad, do you understand what happened here today?” I asked Armand.

  “Yes, my dear, you are my daughter. You called me Dad,” he repeated.

  “Yes, I did. Do you know why you were in court today?” I asked.

  “So that you can take care of me and my film,” he said.

  “Not quite,” I said. “I am going to take care of your finances to make sure that no one tries to take anything from you again.”

  “Like Antonia?” he asked in a moment of lucidity.

  “Exactly,” I replied.

  “What about my film? Where will the money come from?” he asked nervously.

  “Dad, Antonia wasn’t going to give you any money. She was only interested in taking yours,” I explained. “There is no film.”

  “Of course, there is. I have been filming it all. I was filming the court scene today,” he argued.

  “I know you have. The only thing is that i
t’s not a film that anyone can see except for you. Dad, you’re not well, but we’re going to help you get better,” I said sympathetically. “We’re going to take you home now.”

  “Come with me, Armand. We have to shoot the pool scene,” Sylvia said knowingly as she took his hand. “Juan is waiting in the car ready to take us home.”

  “You can take him anywhere you want,” Antonia spat as she strode over to where we were seated, “but I am keeping my engagement ring!”

  “Like hell you are!” I said. “If you don’t return it, I will sue you for it.”

  “It was a gift,” she argued.

  “In contemplation of marriage,” Coco informed her. “Since you never married and never will, by law you have to return it.”

  “You will have to pry it off of my cold dead finger,” she screamed.

  “Honey, keep it,” Sylvia said. “You’ll need something to hawk to pay your way back to whatever cesspool you came from.”

  Antonia strutted out of the courtroom with her nose in the air, confident that she had won despite the ruling.

  “I don’t understand, Mom. Why would you let her keep it?” I asked.

  “It’s a fake,” she said.

  “How do you know that?” Coco asked.

  “I’ve never stopped receiving Armand’s Visa bills because I pay for them. When he started losing his marbles, I lowered his limit to $5000. He bought that ring many years ago at 20th Century Props in North Hollywood,” she informed us. “It’s as cheap as Antonia.”

  “Sylvie, we should really get the pool scene in the can before we lose this light,” Armand whined.