by Harry Potter
“Because he was too busy showing me home movies,” he snapped bitterly. “All I learned was that Voldemort liked to collect things. I didn’t find out how he made the Horcruxes or any clues as to where he might’ve hid them, but I do know ol’ Tom’s a pack rat.
“The one thing that bothered me most of all was the Pensieve memory of Voldemort’s mum,” Harry continued on his rant. “Did the fact that she was some sort of emo kid have an impact on Voldemort’s life? Was the reason Voldemort was evil because his mom was abused by her father and she ensnared Tom Sr. No; she died a few minutes after he was born so he had no idea how horrible his family was until after he met. But he was already an evil bastard because he had killed Myrtle by that point. What was the point of making me sit through that silly memory? Dumbledore told me it was because Merope had given up on life and therefore Voldemort turned evil. How does that make sense, he was less than an hour old for pity’s sake. She said ‘Name him Tom’ and then died! For all Voldemort knew, she could’ve died crossing the street to get him milk.”
“I might have some input on that, Harry,” Luna began. “As I have said before, Ronald told me about the prophesy concerning you and He Who Must Not Be Named and I think that particular Pensieve memory has some insight on it. You see, Merope, the mother, lusted after Tom, the father; she was not truly in love with him. She saw him as a rich man who could take her away from her horrible life. It didn’t hurt that Tom was easy on the eyes. So she used a potion or an Unforgivable to bewitch Tom into believing he was in love with her, which was a lie. Therefore, when You Know Who was conceived, it was done so out of lust and lies - literally. So even in conception, You Know Who did not know love, the power you have Harry, and the power he knows not.”
“Oh,” Harry muttered as understanding settled in. “I never thought about that.”
“Why the hell didn’t Dumbledore think of that?” Hermione griped.
“Um guys, this is fascinating, but I think I heard a hissing sound,” Ron announced with a bit of fear in his voice.
Everyone became silent and Harry strained his ears. A moment later, a sound drifted up from the darkness.
“I am so-o-o bored. There’s nothing to do,” Harry heard a voice say.
“I hear hissing too,” Hermione whispered.
“It’s a snake,” Harry said. It was clear to him that it had to be a snake waiting for them at the bottom of the stairs because his friends had heard hissing while he heard a voice clearly.
“What kind of snake?” Ron gulped.
“Dunno,” Harry replied. “But I reckon that Voldemort put it here to guard the Horcrux, so it’s probably a nasty one. You three wait here.”
Harry continued a few feet further before activating his parsletongue abilities.
“Hello,” he said to the darkness.
“Who’s there?” the voice demanded.
“Um... your master,” Harry replied. He was hoping that he could fool the snake into believing that he was Voldemort.
“No you’re not,” the snake snapped. “My Master has a high, girly voice, you don’t.”
Thinking fast, Harry back-tracked, “Did I say I was your Master? I meant I was sent by your Master.”
“Really? Did you bring my virgins?”
“Ah, no... fresh out.”
“Damn, he promised me virgins,” the snake pouted.
“If you don’t mind me asking, what kind of snake are you?” Harry asked. He was hoping that it wasn’t a Basilisk. But judging by his infernal luck, it would be.
“What kind? I’m a bored one, I am,” the snake moaned. “I’ve been down here doing nothing besides eating rats. I want to nibble on a virgin... I was promised a virgin, damn it!”
Slowly and silently, Harry crept down the stairs. The snake continued to grumble and gripe and Harry drew closer and closer. Soon, he approached a massive cavern carved out of the rock. In the middle of the cavern was a table covered by a red cloth.
“All I want is one lousy virgin,” the snake complained from the shadows surrounding the table.
Even though the monster was cloaked in shadows, Harry could tell that it was easily twenty feet long and it had a bright red plume sticking out of its head. As silently as he could, Harry turned around and trotted back up the stairs.
“Is it a Basilisk?” Hermione asked.
”Yes,” he answered. It was significantly smaller than the last one he had faced, but he was positive that it was the dreaded Basilisk.
“So what? Harry’s killed one and he was only twelve,” Ron stated.
“Ron, it was luck. And if Fawkes wasn’t there with his healing tear drops, I would’ve died,” Harry pointed out. “I’m not pressing my luck again, especially since I don’t have a phoenix handy.”
“We can drive it off,” Hermione suggested. “It’s afraid of roosters; their crow can kill them. If we make it believe there is a rooster here, it might run away.”
“We can’t just let it get away,” Harry stated. “It’s too dangerous to let live.”
“He’s right,” Luna agreed.
“Well then we’ll just have to kill it,” Hermione concluded. “We distract it by making it think there’s a rooster here and while it’s trying to get away, we hit it with a few Blasting Hexes.”
“Good plan,” Harry said as he drew his wand.
“All right, Ron start clucking,” ordered Hermione.
“What?” the red haired wizard shot back. “Why don’t you do it?”
“I’m a girl not a boy. A rooster is a male chicken, I can’t make male chicken sounds,” she argued.
“Then why doesn’t Harry do it?” Ron asked.
“He’s a parslemouth, we need him to listen to the Basilisk to see if the monster buys it so we can sneak up on it,” Hermione pointed out. “We can’t do that if he’s clucking.”
Ron frowned before acquiescing. “Fine, I’ll do it.”
The red haired wizard began making soft clucking sounds.
“Louder, Ronald, it can’t hear you,” Luna urged. Ron added a little more volume to his efforts. “Louder Ronald, louder.”
Egged on by his wife, Ron let out a very loud crow.
“That’s it!” Luna cheered with a chuckle and a rosy bloom to her face. “Again! Again!”
As Ron continued to cluck, Harry turned to Hermione and asked; “You really don’t think the basilisk could tell the difference between you and Ron clucking, do you?”
“No,” Hermione admitted. “I just wanted to see Ron act like a chicken.”
“Ronald, flap your arms like wings! I’m sure it will help you sound more convincing!” Luna passionately suggested. Ron rolled his eyes before complying. Luna giggled and Harry knew that she too had wanted to see Ron cluck like a chicken.
Slowly, the four friends made their way to the cavern. As they got nearer, Ron became more impassioned and louder. It was as if he was truly getting into the role.
Ron let out a loud crow and Harry heard the snake exclaim: “Holy shit! Is that a rooster?”
“Yes it is,” Harry replied using his parseltongue. “It must’ve gotten in when I opened the door. Sorry about that.”
The basilisk let out a startled yelp and Harry could hear it slither away.
“Bloody hell, I’m out of here,” the snaked said in a panicky tone. “Screw my Master; first he won’t give me a virgin and now a freaking rooster comes strolling in.”
Cautiously, Harry peaked into the cavern and saw the giant snake had its head wedged into a small hole; it was trying to squeeze itself into that hole in an attempt to escape. Harry gave the signal that it was safe to enter the cavern. As Ron continued to cluck, Luna, Hermione, and Harry circled around the snake’s body. The three leveled their wands at the snake and shouted the incantation for the Blasting Hex.
In retrospect, Harry realized that it was a bit of overkill - literally - having the three of them blast the monster. The job could’ve been easily accomplished by either him or Hermione alone
thanks to their power boost. Not only did both Harry and his girlfriend hit the monster with super charged Blasting Hexes, but Luna had hit it with her own normal hex. The giant monster was blown into a fine mist... a mist made entirely of blood and magical monster bits. The gore rained down on our heroes; coating their robes, hair and exposed skin.
“I think I’m going to be sick,” Hermione murmured. Even though Harry couldn’t see the color of her skin thanks to the thick layer of blood, he reckoned that her complexion was a sickly green.
“I wonder if this Basilisk blood is as good of a moisturizer as Ronald’s semina-” Luna began. The blonde witch was interrupted by Hermione retching out the contents of her stomach on the floor. Apparently, the mention of Ron’s spunk had sent the brunette witch over the edge.
Being a good boyfriend, Harry knelt down next to Hermione - who had fallen to her knees - and held her hair back as she continued to vomit. Although he did wonder why he bothered; it’s not like Hermione’s vomit would have made her hair a worse state thanks to the goo that was basilisk in it. Once she was finished, Harry waved his wand and magically cleaned the blood off of everyone.
With a quiver in her voice, Hermione said, “Let’s get this over with so I can take a nice hot bath.”
Luna and Hermione began to wave their wands once more. After a few moments, Hermione stated: “There’s no traps. Apparently, Voldemort thought the Basilisk was enough protection.”
Harry nodded his head and approached the table. When he was four feet away, giant trees popped out of thin air. There were dozens of yew trees formed in a tight circle around the table blocking Harry from his target.
“What the hell; I thought you said there wasn’t any traps?” Ron asked as he eyed the trees.
Hermione waved her wand and said “There isn’t. In fact, I’m not detecting the trees at all; as if they aren’t there.”
“How can that be?” Harry asked as he reached out and touched the rough bark of one of the trees.
“Perhaps they are nothing more than an illusion,” Luna offered. Before explaining herself, Luna walked toward the tree and did not stop when she came close. She proceeded to walk through the trees as if they weren’t there.
“Luna?” Ron shouted in confusion and fear after his wife disappeared behind the trees.
The blonde witch’s head popped out of the tree, the rest of her body obscured by the foliage. “Just as I thought; a very complex Illusion Charm. It is so powerful that your mind actually thinks it is touching something when you run your hand across it.”
“Well, how do we get past it like you did?” Harry asked.
“Don’t listen to your mind,” she offered and she disappeared behind the trees once more.
“Oh, that’s helpful,” Hermione groaned. “‘... don’t listen to your mind...’ Thanks for that.”
“I think she means that we have to realize that the trees aren’t real,” Harry sounded. “Recognize that they aren’t there and that belief will offset the illusion.”
Harry closed his eyes and imagined the cavern the way it was before the trees sprang up. Slowly, Harry blindly walked to the table. His body tingled slightly as he passed through where the rings of trees were. When he opened his eyes, Harry found Luna standing next to the red draped table smiling.
“Hermione, it worked,” Harry called out. A moment later, Hermione came through the trees.
“That was weird,” the brunette witch said off handedly.
“Okay, here I come,” Harry heard Ron say. A second later, a thud sounded. “Ow, that hurt,” Ron shouted.
Clearly, Ron had failed to counteract the illusion and walked directly into the trees with a painful effect.
“Ron, you have to realize that the trees aren’t there,” ordered Hermione.
“That’s what I did,” he replied bitterly.
“Try harder, my love,” Luna said dreamily.
“How the hell am I supposed to try harder?”
“Try imagining that not only that these trees don’t exist, but all trees,” offered Luna. “Pretend there is no such thing as trees; they don’t exist.”
Harry heard Ron begin to fervently chant “I don’t believe in trees. I don’t believe in trees. I don’t believe in trees.”
A few moments later, Ron walked through the illusionary trees. Harry turned back to the table and grabbed the red cloth.
“Let’s get this over with,” he said and tugged the fabric off of the table.
Placed in the middle of the table was what appeared to be... something. A very small something, minuscule even. Whatever it was, it was no bigger than the pad of Harry’s thumb.
“What is that?” Hermione asked as she pointed at the tiny item.
"Oi, I know what that is!" Ron shouted out, snapping his fingers as if he recalled seeing a similar item. "That's a wizard's anvil!” Ron made this declaration as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
“Judging by the lion engraved on the side, I’d say it was Gryffindor’s anvil to be precise,” added Luna from her spot behind Harry.
“Lion? How the hell can you see that?” Harry asked as he bent over to get a closer look. On one side of the so-called anvil were a few scratches. He strained his eyes even further and saw that the scratches could be interpreted as a drawing of a lion. “How’d you see that?”
Luna silently responded by simply pointing at her large and protruding blue eyes and stating, “How I see everything; with my eyes, silly.”
“That’s not an anvil,” Hermione argued. “Anvils are large and... bulky and... and obvious things.”
“Why would an anvil need to be large?” Ron inquired.
“Because a blacksmith uses it to fold and form metal items by striking hot metal on it with a hammer,” Hermione explained.
“Oh, I see, you’re thinking of a Muggle anvil,” Luna said. “This is a wizard's anvil.”
“I’ve always thought that an anvil is a pretty stupid thing,” Ron added. “I mean, they’re so useless that most people don't remember them. Heck, even if a family has theirs on display, most people either don't see them or intentionally ignore them. The whole idea of an anvil is stupid, if you think about it. Why would a wizard need one?”
"Well, what about in a forge or something?" Hermione thought aloud. “Wouldn't Gryffindor have needed one to create his sword, or at least to repair it?”
“Why?” Ron quickly countered. “He was a wizard, wasn’t he? He would’ve just used the appropriate spells. Heck, even we’ve learned how to turn one item into another. So why would one of the world's most powerful wizards use a Muggle method? He wouldn't; he'd just create the sword and then add a self-sharpening spell to it.”
“But if a wizard didn’t need an anvil to work metal, why have one at all?” Harry asked.
“It’s for show,” Ron explained. “It’s usually a family heirloom that’s passed down from generation to generation. Heck, even we have one back home, from mum’s side. It sits on the mantle above the fireplace.”
“Wait, I’ve been to your place a load of times and I’ve never seen any anvil,” Harry said.
“No wonder, it’s only a little larger than this one,” Ron said as he pointed to Gryffindor’s anvil. “Don’t worry about it, Mate, no one pays attention to anvils in the magical world, they’re small, insignificant and meaningless.”
“You’re right, Ron,” Hermione stated. “I guess the idea of an anvil in the wizarding world is downright inane.”
“Yeah,” Harry agreed, shrugging his shoulders. Sometimes, the magical world made no sense at all. He wondered why anyone would want something like this anvil; it was too small to even notice. “It seems to me that only an idiot would’ve looked for an anvil,” he decided.
Pushing his ponderings to the side, Harry drew out his sword and swung at the anvil... and missed. He swung the blade again and still missed the target. The anvil was so small and insignificant, that Harry, even with his excellent eye-hand coordination, had trou
ble hitting it. Finally, Harry was able to cleave the Lilliputian anvil in two, easily destroying the Horcrux.
The four friends turned and made their way out of the cavern. As they walked up the stairs, they discussed the other Horcruxes.
“So that leaves two more besides You Know Who,” Luna said.
“Yes, we know that one, the locket, is in the possession of Zardoz,” Hermione stated. “But we still don’t know where the last Horcrux is.”
“Well, maybe you two can do that hand-job ritual again,” Ron offered to Harry and Hermione. Harry leapt at the idea of doing that activity again - for any reason.
“For some reason, we only see blackness when we do it,” explained Hermione.
Harry remained silent, lost in his thoughts. The nagging feeling that wherever the last Horcrux was located was familiar in some way weighed heavy in his mind.
“And then we have to find a way to get Voldemort, too,” added Hermione. “Even if somehow we miraculously find out where the missing Horcrux is, we can’t just walk up to Voldemort’s castle and ask him to come out so we can kill him, can we?”
“We’ll hurdle that obstacle when we get to it,” Harry said as he led his friends over the plank suspended over the pit of spikes and out of the dark corridor. Over his shoulder, Harry saw the door magically disappear, as if the door never existed.
“I’m hungry,” announced Ron as the group walked onto the street outside the orphanage.
“How can you possibly be hungry, Ron?” asked Hermione. “We had breakfast less than three hours ago.”
“Well, we just successfully destroyed a Horcrux,” Ron defended. “That took a lot of energy.”
“All you did was cluck like a chicken, for pity’s sake,” Hermione expounded. “Luna, Harry, and I did all the actual work.”
“Hermione must I remind you? Even though Ronald only pretended to be a chicken,” Luna began and added to Ron “And a wonderful chicken at that,” before turning back to Hermione, “before we went on our little trek, Ronald and I had sex.” Once again, the blonde witch turned to her husband and added, “Wonderful sex at that.”