J K Rowling - [Harry Potter 0X]

by Harry Potter

  “You created an activist group to protest our book?” asked Harry, hotly.

  “Yes,” he replied.

  “Why?” demanded Harry.

  “Nothing piques the public’s interest like a good controversy,” George explained.

  “Who are these people?” Hermione asked, indicating the group of protesters.

  “When I gave that interview to the Prophet, we didn’t have a group called Proper Behavior Now. Not a single member besides myself,” George explained. “But this lot read the article and showed up today with signs so I put them to work.”

  “So these people are actually protesting our book?” asked Harry as he observed the group as they chanted “We don’t want filth!”

  “Yeah, they, like the folks in the queue, are attracted to controversy,” George said. “Happens all the time, really.”

  “Are you saying you planned all of this?” demanded Hermione. “You created a false character, a false group, a false protest, just to generate publicity for our book?”

  “I thought you were the smartest witch of our generation,” George shot back in his usual playful manner. “Yes, I did. And it is working wonders. When I got here this morning, there were already fifty or sixty people waiting for the shop to open so they could buy the book. Each and every one of them read the Prophet article. Then, as we started to protest, more and more people came. Some came because of the article. Others came because of the racket the protesters were making.”

  Harry and his friends watched as more and more people walked up to the protesters or the people in the queue to ask them what the hullabaloo was all about, only to join the queue themselves. In a handful of minutes, Harry saw no less than fifteen people inquire and then join the queue.

  “I can’t believe people are this easily led,” stated Hermione.

  “Some people are nothing more than cattle, my dear,” George said with pride. “And being a businessman, I love them for it.”

  SoG SoG SoG

  By midday, Hermione, who had been keeping track of how many people were entering the shop, came to the conclusion that they would need to print more books. So the four friends popped over to Luna’s home and quickly printed out another batch of books. Well, actually, Ron and Luna printed the books. The moment the first book popped out of the printing machine, Hermione dragged Harry to one of the house’s bedroom and promptly shagged him.

  A few hours later - and two “quickies” for Harry and Hermione - the four friends returned to Franklin’s with several hundred books floating behind them. In order to conceal their identities, they all wore their robes’ hoods high, to cover their faces as the entered the crowded shop.

  Alas, their efforts at keeping their identities were all but shatter when Alicia saw them. Well, for Harry at least.

  “Oh, thank God you’re here, Harry!” exclaimed Alicia. Thankfully, she didn’t mention Harry’s surname. “I just sold out five minutes ago and I was afraid I’d have a riot on my hands.”

  The moment the books were set on the ground, the witches and wizards gathered in the shop descended like locus. In a matter of seconds, several dozen books were sold.

  “Perhaps we should print more books?” suggested Luna as the stacks of books they had just bought steadily and rapidly shrank.

  Harry turned to Hermione, and just as he had expected, the brunette had a lustful burning in her eyes. Just the mere thought of printing more books had turned her on.

  “How about we pop back to Hogwarts first so I can pick up some virility potions,” Harry said. “Otherwise I doubt I’ll be able to keep up with the printer.”

  SoG SoG SoG

  The next morning’s Prophet declared in big, bold letters:

  “Sales Records Smashed as if hit by Reducto due to popular controversial book!

  Books of Love Magic: Volume One shattered the first day sales record - previously held by Gilderoy Lockhart’s Magical Me.

  The sex-magic book, which sold approximately 3,000 copies in the first day alone, drew controversy due to its topic...”

  Harry, sitting at the Gryffindor Table in the Great Hall, was holding the paper in front of his face, rereading the article for the fourth time. Actually, he wasn’t rereading as much as he was using the paper as a shield. A shield used primarily to hide Hermione’s disappearance from her seat next to Harry from their fellow students who were eating breakfast. You see, Hermione had been so excited by the sales of the book that she couldn’t help herself. She had slipped under the table and was having an in-depth “conversation” with ‘Harry, Jr.’. She was telling the member just how happy this news made her, so to speak.

  Once Harry and Hermione were finished with their breakfasts - albeit Harry’s meal was more conventional than Hermione’s - the two got up to go back to their room. Harry, being a gentleman, had every intention of returning Hermione’s favor. But unlike his bits, which were forward facing and pivoting, Hermione’s weren’t, so he couldn’t just slip under the table like she had unless they did some major unladylike repositioning. So, he had planned on taking her back to their room and giving her a handful of orgasms.

  However, before they could exit the Great Hall, Su Li came bounding up to the couple with a familiar book clutched in her hands.

  “Could you please autograph this for me?” Su requested with a happy squeal. She was holding Books of Love Magic: Volume One and a quill up for the couple. “I received mine by owl last night, and I must have you two sign it!”

  “Ah, I don’t know why you’d want us to do that,” Harry said, hoping that the ruse would work.

  “Oh, please, you two may have disguised your faces but you didn’t bother to disguise your genitals,” Su said dismissively.

  “Our... genitals?” asked Hermione in shock.

  “Yeah, I watched those pensieve memories so much that I can recognize your bits anywhere,” Su said with a happy glow to her face.

  Hermione suddenly turned white as a sheet. “I forgot about that,” she muttered regretfully, as if it was silly of her not to have realized that they should’ve put glamour charms on ‘Harry, Jr.’ and ‘Miss Nibbles.’

  “Do you think anyone else ‘recognized’ us?” asked Harry, pensively.

  His question wasn’t answered so much in words as it was by the sight of dozens of his peers pulling copies of Books of Love Magic: Volume One from their bags and rushing to stand behind Su, clearly wanting Harry and Hermione’s autograph.

  “Oh, bollocks,” cursed Hermione.

  “Don’t worry, we all had a nice long chat about your ‘secret identities’ last night after the group reading and orgy,” Su said soothingly to Hermione.

  “Wait, there was a group reading and I wasn’t invited?” the brunette asked, offended by the notion that anyone would have a book reading without her, regardless of the fact that she wrote the book or not.

  Harry wanted to continue with Hermione’s line of thought and say “Wait, there was an orgy...” but he thought his lover would just become more upset.

  “We all agreed that we won’t spill the beans,” Su concluded.

  By this point, a line thirty two people long was behind Su.

  “Wow, that must’ve been one hell of an orgy,” commented Harry.

  “It kind of got weird once Sprout and Slughorn showed up,” the Asian witch said with a scrunched up nose. “Thank Merlin they didn’t ask anyone to swap partners.”

  “There was swapping?” asked Harry, trying to block out the mental image of Sprout and Slughorn.

  “Yeah,” replied Su. “Let me tell you, Filch had one hell of a mess to clean up this morning.”

  With a dismissive shrug of his shoulders, Harry admitted, “Well, there’s no point in trying to hide from it.”

  Hermione, too, shrugged her shoulders, agreeing with Harry’s assessment.

  Harry took the book and quill from Su and asked, “Should I sign it ‘Harry Potter’ or ‘Tim Hunter?’”

  “It doesn’t matter, they’re b
oth the same person after all,” Su pointed out.

  “I think we should stick with our pen-names,” suggested Hermione.

  As Harry scribbled his nom de plume, he offered “Do you want Ron and Luna to sign as well?”

  “Wait, Luna? The girl with the enormous jugs is Luna?” a sixth year Hufflepuff, four people back, asked.

  “Did someone mention me and my breasts?” asked Luna, suddenly appearing next to Harry.

  After a short explanation as to how their cover was blown, Ron and Luna joined in the autograph session. For the next half-hour, Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Luna signed every single copy of the book, including Slughorn and Sprout’s. Every once in a while, Ron had to be reminded to sign “Neil Gaiman” and not his real name. Whereas Luna altered her pseudonym slightly by adding a nickname: “Perky ‘Jugs’ Weatherby.” A short while later, she further tweaked with this new moniker by signing; “Perky ‘The Jugs’ Weatherby.” “Notice the definitive article? It adds much more significance,” the odd blonde explained.

  SoG SoG SoG

  That night, after supper, Harry and Hermione made their way back to their room. But before they reached their destination, the dreaded ghost of Gryffindor jumped out of the shadows and rushed up to the two young lovers. The ghost threw his arms around both Harry and Hermione and pulled them to his chest. He began to weep, noisily into Hermione’s hair. Silver tears poured down his face and trickled into Hermione’s frizzy mop.

  “Thank you, thank you both so very, very much,” the ghost said in a hiccup. “You’ve made me so very happy.”

  “I take it you’ve seen the book,’ Harry said in a deadpan.

  “It was s-s-so wonderful,” Gryffindor choked out. “You have surpassed all of my previous protégées, Harry. I’m so proud.”

  “I’m not your protégé,” objected Harry.

  “Crowley would’ve been so incensed to hear me say that, but you beat everything he ever did, my boy,” cheered Gryffindor. He placed a kiss on Harry and Hermione’s cheeks and squeezed their bottoms before pulling away.

  “Well, I must be off,” the ghost announced.

  “Don’t let us keep you,” Harry said, hoping Gryffindor would make his exit.

  “That book of yours has made everyone incredibly randy. The sixth year Hufflepuffs are having a naked wrestling match tonight. One ring is for oil-wrestling, another for mud, and the third has loads of jelly. They have something for everyone!” Gryffindor said with glee. “The losers have to ‘service’ the seventh years.”

  “And what happens to the winners?” asked Harry, instantly regretting it.

  “Why they get serviced by the fifth years, of course,” the ghost said, a broad smile bisecting his face.

  The Founder took four steps away from the two young lovers and spun around to face them again.

  “Oh, I have a suggestion for your next book,” he said, a broad, perverted grin stretched across his lips. Well, more perverted than usual.

  “What makes you think there’ll be another book?” asked Hermione. “We’re not planning on writing another book.”

  “I heard you were a terrible liar but to see it in person is something else,” the ghost said.

  “Damn,” muttered Hermione.

  “Oh don’t worry, my young, sexy friend, even if you could lie, I still would’ve known the truth,” Gryffindor said, sportingly. “While invisible, I’ve been observing the both of you for quite some time now.”

  “What?” screeched Hermione.

  “Oh, yes, I saw those shows you put on for the Auror and your big titted blonde friend. I watched, unseen, in silent wonder as you and your friends shot the photos for the book. I nearly shouted for joy when you performed the, what was it called? Ah, yes; the Double Up Ward. It’s truly a delight to see you two play with anal-beads, masterful you are.” The ghost paused and applauded the couple for their fine work.

  “Don’t you have an under-aged wrestling match to watch?” asked Harry bitterly. It was true that everyone had seen him and Hermione go at it time and time again, but the thought of this lecherous ghost abusing himself over it bothered Harry.

  “Fine, fine, let me just give you my suggestion for your next book,” Gryffindor said. He rubbed his hands together and spoke; “The theme for your next book is...”

  Like a stage magician, Gryffindor threw up his hands and stars and sparkles erupted from his fingertips as if they were Roman Candles.

  “I didn’t think ghosts could do stuff like that,” Harry said.

  “Ghosts can’t affect the physical world either, but Gryffindor was able to squeeze both of our arses just now. He’s a ‘special’ ghost, unfortunately,” Hermione said grumpily.

  Suddenly, the stars began to spin around and dance in midair. In a few short seconds they began to form letters.

  “Here it comes,” Gryffindor said gleefully.

  The first letter appeared. A giant “S” made out of sparkling stars hovered two feet over the ghost’s head. A “C” soon appeared and Gryffindor began to giggle like the pervert he was.

  “Oh, bollocks, I can see where this is headed,” groaned Harry.

  The next letter was a massive “A” followed promptly by a large “T.”

  “Ta-da!” the ghost announced triumphantly as the letters burned and glowed, completely illuminating the hall.

  “No,” Hermione said, and without a pause, she turned and marched down the hall. Harry shook his head and followed his girlfriend.

  “Oh come on,” the ghost called out to them. “Don’t knock it unless you try it!”

  “Enjoy your wrestling match,” Harry said over his shoulder.

  “You know what? I was wrong about you being my best protégé,” Gryffindor stated loudly. “Crowley wouldn’t have balked at some new adventure!”

  With a loud grunt that told Harry the ghost was disappointed, Gryffindor turned and trotted off to the Hufflepuff common room. Now that the perverted pest had been dealt with, Harry and his girlfriend returned to their room. There they found an owl carrying a large sack, perched on a chair. The owl hooted and flew out the window, leaving its package... and the sack on the table. A note was attached to the bag. While Harry cleaned up the owl droppings, Hermione read aloud:

  “Dear ‘Tim’ and ‘Mona,’

  Second day’s sales of your book trumped first day’s; we sold another 4,000 copies! I had to fire-call Luna’s dad so that he could make more books (by the way, he’s a strange bloke, he kept asking if I wanted to pop over and see his doily collection). I had no less than twenty customers buy at least two copies so that they could give it as a present to friends or family.

  The sack contains your share as authors and publishers of the first two days of sales. It’s a measly 14,220 galleons - the shop took its share of 3,210. I have to thank you because I get a commission on sales. So not only will I get to share in the book sales, nearly every customer bought lingerie and toys to boot. Excluding your book, I sold over 10,000 galleons in other merchandise! We’re bloody out of stock on everything! Let me tell you, my paycheck is going to be massive this month! It will more than make up for the lack of sales over the past few months!

  Oh, just thought you’d like to know; the couple who lives in the flat above me are in the process of performing the Anti-Apparation Ward as I write this. I know because me and my boyfriend did it earlier and my neighbors stopped by to ask for some pointers.

  Anyway, my boyfriend and I are going to try out another of your wonderfully exciting rituals... or two.

  Ta,

  Alicia.”

  “14,220 galleons!” exclaimed Hermione.

  “Not too shabby,” Harry said with a broad smile. “Wait until Ron and Luna get their share of this. I think he’ll have a coronary.”

  “This is cause for celebration!” cheered Hermione. Obviously, she was thrilled over the thought of her work reaching so many people. That and there was a whole lot of gold in that bag.

  “You know, anal sex is a damn g
ood way to celebrate,” offered Harry.

  Unfortunately for our hero and ‘Harry, Jr.’, before Hermione could reply - knowing her, there was a very good chance that she would’ve said something along the lines of “You know, Harry, that would be a splendid idea” - the silver doe Patronus strolled through their closed door, much like a ghost passing though a wall. It stood and looked at the two young lovers, clearly waiting for them to follow.

  Harry looked at his girlfriend and asked, dejectedly, “I take it this mean there won’t be any buggering?”

  With an equal amount of disappointment, she answered, “No.” Clearly, she too was looking forward to the thought of being on the receiving end of the celebratory sodomy that Harry had proposed.

  Harry pulled out his wand, saying, “Even though I trust what you said about the Patronus being a Light Magic and the caster meaning us no harm, I still think we should be on our guard.”

  “I agree,” said Hermione as she withdrew her wand from her pocket.

  The young couple walked past the doe and opened the door. With a trot, the magical creation walked through the opening and into the hall. Harry and Hermione followed. The doe led them out of the castle and onto the school grounds. After a few minutes, Harry noticed that it was taking them to an all too familiar tree.

  “The Whomping Willow?” said Hermione. The massive tree’s limbs were motionless; clearly someone had pressed the hidden knot which froze the Willow’s club-like branches. “It must be taking us to the Shrieking Shack.”

  Just as predicted, the doe trotted down into the secret tunnel leading to the Shack. After minutes of walking, they approached the trapdoor entrance to the Shrieking Shack.

  Harry’s stomach tightened and bile crept up his throat when he climbed through the trapdoor and saw the greasy, bat-like wizard standing off in a corner.

  “Why didn’t you come the first time I called for you?” Snape demanded. Like an obedient pet, the doe Patronus walked next to Snape and stood by his side.

  “Wait, you cast that Patronus?” Hermione asked incredulously.