Chasing the Wild Sparks

by Alexander, Ren

  My dad has dated off and on. My mom married Jack and they’re still married, which astounds me. I’ve seen so many people so in love and get married; however, once married, things soon fell apart and their marriages broke up. What exactly happens after the marriage is performed? What changes? My older sister, Leighton has been married for a couple years to her first husband, Kit. I wonder how long they’ll stay married.

  Then there’s my oldest sister, Chrishelle, who is divorced, or had her marriage annulled. Same difference really. They’re both a break-up.

  Ricky is on his second marriage and he’s not even happy in that one. He and Shay used to be happy. Hell, he and his first wife, Nina, were even happy before their wedding. Pam used to be married to a man, but I suppose that was a different circumstance. Becks’ parents are divorced, too. Her fucking mother left her when she was only six. How could a mother do that to her children?

  That’s another thing Becks wants: kids.

  I don’t.

  I was a child through my parents’ divorce. I was only 11. Then with their subsequent divorces, I was older, but it still hurt like hell when it again tore our family apart that we had just managed to piece back together. I wouldn’t want my child to go through what I had to. It’s not fair. I don’t even want to go through what I did again, especially with my Becks. I can’t lose her to a divorce. Marriage is like a death knell on love. People strive for it, though. It’s like the finish line in a loving relationship, but once it’s crossed, the love crumbles like a dry clump of dirt in your hand.

  I want Becks’ to be the love of my life forever. I want to grow old with her, but she wants what I am so dead-set against. I’ll put her on my checking and savings accounts, I’ll put her as my beneficiary on my life insurance, 401K, anything she wants. I know there are some things that need a legal spouse, like health insurance, but she has that already. One thing I’d like her to have: my last name.

  No.

  I would love for her to have it.

  But, why do we have to get married? It’ll be like signing a death warrant for our relationship. We’ll break up and it’ll kill me. Without Becks, I won’t want to live anymore.

  I lean up against the tree and once more watch Becks dance. However, no she’s dancing with Rod. Well, I guess she’s laughing at Rod attempting to dance. He looks like a drunken clown at a rodeo. She’s having fun, though. Without me. I fold my arms over my chest and stare at them. My jaw stiffens and my fingers curl into fists next to my ribs.

  From the corner of my eye, I see Morgan shove Rod to the ground. My esteem for her has risen a million percent. Becks turns around, raking her eyes over me, and slowly makes her way to me. She’s not going to rile me up again, is she? I really can’t take it anymore. I’ll have to either get her to my apartment soon or find us a place somewhere on the way home so I can fuck her in my backseat.

  She digs her fingers into my T-shirt and crumples the material underneath her fingers. “What are you doing to me, baby?” she audaciously asks.

  “Me? I’m standing here. You’re the one who is driving me crazy.”

  “Oh, no. You are, Finn. You’re standing here looking sexy as hell, refusing to dance with me.” She licks her bottom lip. “Teasing me.” I swallow hard and glance away from her before sighing.

  “I’ll dance with you, just not in front of everyone.” She slips her fingers over the heated skin of my arms and then down to my sides, swiftly tickling me.

  Taken aback, I try to defend myself as she assaults me. In between my laughing, I try to be serious. “Becks, don’t.”

  “Twirl me then.” She gives me her hand and I take it above her so that she can pivot, making her laugh. “You can do better than that, Wilder.”

  “I can?” I pull her to me and she forces my hips to rock to the beat of the music with hers. I bend so she can put her arms around my neck.

  “There you go, baby,” she purrs happily. I smile joyfully being in her arms and at the center of her attention, instead of Rod. I close my eyes and she kisses my cheek as her hands reach up into my hair. Moving my head closer, I put my forehead on hers.

  I fell right into her trap. I’m dancing, if that’s what you’d call it. She has an inscrutable hold over me and I’m helpless against her. I open my eyes and she smiles.

  Smiling, I whisper, “I love you, Becks.” This is how I always want to be with her. Happy and seriously in love.

  Her smile turns taunting. “Who doesn’t?” God, I love this woman. I hastily kiss her and leave my lips floating over hers as we slow dance. I hold her firmly in my arms and am actually relishing dancing with my Becks.

  “Ok, guys. Gather ‘round. I have something I want to tell you.” She’s a lawyer. Did she find some way to deport Rod on the grounds of stupidity? Morgan stands in the middle of the blanket and looks uncharacteristically flustered. Becks turns around in my arms and I hug her to me, but pull my hips away so she doesn’t get me started again.

  Rod lowers the volume on a song that I’m pretty positive is Barry Manilow. Morgan paces and grabs onto her hair. What the hell is her problem?

  “I wanted to tell all of you something, some of you more than others.” She looks right at Rod. Precisely.

  He scowls. “Don’t worry. I’ll cover my ears so your banshee scream won’t deafen me.”

  She plays more with her hair. “I don’t know which to tell you first.” Ivan walks over to her and she looks somewhat relieved.

  “I want to say something first.” Ivan smiles down at her and grabs her hand.

  No.

  This is not happening.

  “Morgan, I love you. Ever since meeting you, I’ve been the happiest man on Earth. You are my better half, a part of my soul, and my moon beam.” Taking out a small, black box from his jeans pocket, he gets down on his knee. Holy fuck.

  “Morgan Iris Yates, will you marry me?”

  Shit!

  Becks and I both stop breathing. I grip my fingers into her flesh as panic seizes my body.

  No. No. No.

  Morgan grins and shrieks, “Oh my God! Yes!” Ivan puts a gaudy-looking ring on her finger.

  I knew it was bound to happen with Morgan at some point. Becks’ other best friend, Bethany got married before we met.

  This is going to make my life a living hell.

  Becks knocks my hand off of her and runs over to Morgan, flinging her arms around her.

  And then it happens.

  “Tell them you’re having my baby.”

  What the fuck? Oh shit.

  “I’m pregnant!” Morgan shouts.

  Damn it.

  I turn my head away and close my eyes. This is going to fuck up my relationship with Becks. I can feel it. She’s going to freak out about Morgan getting married and have a baby, while she’s not. Becks is older than Morgan by three or four years.

  I grind my teeth; a sharp pain travels down my jaw and into my neck. This is going to push her over the edge and drive me over first. Will this, and not actually marrying her, be what breaks us up?

  “Fuck.”

  CHAPTER 10

  I promptly look away and clutch Morgan’s shoulder. “I’ll be right back.”

  She grabs my wrist before I can leave and her brown eyes glimmer with concern. “Hadley, are you okay?” She glances over where Finn was standing, but I can’t look at him anymore. “You and I need to talk about this.”

  I nod as I stare at the ground. “It’s fine.” I try to look her in the eye, but as soon as I start talking, they fall away from hers again. I’m such a shitty friend. “I’m happy for you. Honestly, I am.” I have to get out of here before I start crying.

  She drops my wrist. “I know you are, but I—”

  “I’ll be back,” I transiently mumble and pivot around, hurriedly striding away from everyone. From Finn.

  I can’t even look to see if anyone is following me. I don’t want anyone following me. Swiftly pacing, I deftly dart around people holding kites in their hand
s, pointing to the dots of color floating in the sky.

  Tears stream down my face and I furiously wipe them away before anyone can see how childish I’m acting. I need to be stronger, but I can’t help the way I feel right now. I mean, how did this happen? Morgan has only been dating Ivan for a few months! She’s known him longer as her trainer! An engagement and a baby? She hadn’t even wanted those things! That’s the killer. How do I deal with Morgan getting married and I’m not? Will she have a huge wedding and ask me to be a bridesmaid? Most likely I will have to wear some horrid dress she picks out. It’ll be gorgeous, but nothing I would wear normally. Something backless, strapless, cut up above my knee and see-through probably. A bikini might be a better choice. I’ll have to be liquored up to get through this wedding.

  On the contrary: Finn’s reaction. That’s the most painful part of this. I truly am happy for Morgan, but looking over to see my boyfriend of three years, who wants nothing to do with marriage, reacting the way he did… It feels like an unintentional, yet deliberate, dull knife to my heart.

  I speedily walk the path in the opposite direction Finn and I had taken earlier because I don’t want to be reminded of our playfulness and his sweet confessions. Why doesn’t he want those? Am I not the one he truly wants? Has he been lying to me? Have I been kidding myself?

  I’m getting older. That thought alone makes me want to bash my head repeatedly into a brick wall. How did I even get this old? Where did the time go? I’ll be 34 in November. I’m not in the field of study I went to college for, no marriage and no prospects of children anytime soon. The career part I can get over. I do have a fantastic job now that I love and I work with the best people ever. As for the marriage and children, Finn is the only man I want them with. I can’t imagine putting a ring on any other man’s finger. Why doesn’t he want to wear a ring that I give him, or even have a union that is blessed by God? He says it’s because of his parents’ mistakes, but maybe he’s giving me excuses like how I gave him some for not wanting to move in together.

  I take one of the forks off of the main path and pace quickly down the small incline to another path. This path is a little more crowded. Good. I don’t want to be found right now. I hesitantly look over my shoulder, but only see a group of preteen kids walking behind me, discussing the dynamics of kite flying 101. I breathe a sigh of relief, but keep a watch around me. I don’t know who would try to find me first. Finn, possibly, since he knows how upset I am, yet I highly doubt he’ll come looking for me. There’s no way he wants to confront me with these issues. He never does. He’s perfectly fine without putting a ring on my finger or having our baby growing inside me.

  Rod may try to find me. Anything to get away from Morgan. Rod is a good friend, too. I shouldn’t forget that. He was there for me when I had an impromptu breakdown over dinner. Morgan has never even seen me cry. Only Rod and Finn. Finn saw me crying in the ER and then when I was hired as a regular employee at the firm. That’s all. On the contrary, I haven’t seen Finn cry yet. I doubt I ever will since he seemingly doesn’t let much bother him.

  Except for five minutes ago.

  Morgan is the most likely one to search for me. I again take a look around, but I don’t know anyone around me. As I swiftly and aimlessly walk, I peer down to the larger, sprawling pond over the hill from the path, reminding me of Finn’s encounter with David at the smaller pond and how he interacted with the boy. Why doesn’t he want a son with me? The large pond becomes blurred as my tears start anew. I use my palm to chase them away, to only be overwrought with fresh ones. I sniff and fold my arms over my chest. What the hell is wrong with me? Can’t I act like a big girl and forget about my commitment-fearing boyfriend and just be happy for my best friend? I hate how I’m turning into one of those whiny girls I loathe. I don’t want to be like that, so why am I?

  “Becks!” Oh, God. Finn? The absolute last person I thought would come looking for me. Ignoring him, I speed up to go nowhere in particular. The only place I want to be is far away from him.

  “Becks!” Politely as I can, I push past people without wasting time. I see a small clearing and I dash up the hillside. When I reach the top, I glide past people picnicking at the tables. I rub my cheeks to get rid of any evidence of my crying, although, my red, puffy eyes and smeared makeup are a dead giveaway. If I can find a women’s restroom, that would be a perfect place to hide. I quickly trudge down to the other not-so-crowded path as fast as my flat sandals can take me. I look over my shoulder, but don’t see him. I hope I lost him. I don’t want to talk to him right now, not after his reaction to Morgan’s news. For me, that was 10 times worse than her news. Hands down.

  I make a right and go around a tall hedge, running straight into a hard, gray, T-shirted wall.

  Finn grips my arms and stoops to look at me. “Why are you running from me?”

  I avert my face from his stare and attempt to yank my arms from his grasp, but his fingers tighten. “Let me go, Finn!”

  “Not a chance in hell.”

  I try to wipe my face, but he still has me in a tight hold. I can’t even look him in the eye.

  “You’re crying,” he observes in bafflement.

  I look at the ground and struggle not to bawl like a baby. “I’m not.”

  Finn grips my chin and pulls it up to assess my face, but I keep my eyes cast down, refusing to let him see my pain or childish behavior. “Yes, you are.” He lets go of my chin and firmly clutches my wrist again.

  “Did you know all this was going on with Morgan?” All this. He can’t even say the words engaged or pregnant.

  “No.” Would that have made it better? Is he mad that he wasn’t forewarned so he could’ve stayed home instead?

  He tugs on my arms. “Let’s get out of here.”

  Still not looking at him, I mutter, “No, I need to spend time with Morgan. She just made a huge announcement. I need to be here for her.”

  “Then why aren’t you? Why did you take off?”

  My eyes finally flash to his and I glare at him. “How can you even ask me that? You know the things I want. Now, even Morgan is getting married and starting a family. She said she wasn’t even sure she wanted kids.” I sniff and petulantly snap, “If Rod beats me to the altar, you’ll have to lock me up in the loony bin.”

  “Becks, I said I’d think about it.”

  I frown dubiously and argue, “No, you won’t. I saw your reaction to her bombshells. You were pissed.”

  “No, I wasn’t.” He’s lying.

  I growl, “Don’t lie to me, Finn Wilder. I saw you.”

  He releases one of my arms. “Can we please go home and talk about this?”

  “No. You won’t talk about this at home, either. You’ll say that you’re thinking about it, but then I have no idea how long you’ll take to make a decision, if you even make one at all. Meanwhile, my ring finger is ice cold and my eggs are drying up!”

  “What do you want me to do?” He throws a hand up and motions angrily at nothing. “I said I’d think about it, but now all you want to do is throw it in my face! Why can’t you give me the time that I need?”

  Unbelievable. “Time? Sure, you have all the time you want. I don’t.”

  “I won’t take that long, Becks.”

  “You’ve already taken three years! How much more time do you need?” I yank my arm from his grasp and cross both over my chest, looking around his shoulder to avoid his incensed scrutiny. “It’s me, isn’t it? You don’t know if it’s me that you really want.” I know it is.

  He puts his hands on his hips and watching the people walking past us he quietly remarks, “That’s not it. I promise you.”

  I scoff, “I forgot. It’s your parents.”

  His eyes slide to me. “I told you it was.”

  “I don’t believe you.”

  He shakes his head and his lip curls indignantly. “What? You think I’m lying to you?”

  “Yes. I think there are other reasons for you not wanting to make the life
long commitment to me.”

  “I already have!” he shouts and then peers around us. He takes his voice down to a loud whisper. “I told you that we’re permanent and I’ll never leave you!”

  “You just don’t want us wearing rings to broadcast that fact because then people would see you’re taken.”

  “I am taken!” He digs his hand into his hair and bites his lip. “Damn it! I told you I don’t care what people think about me. It’s what they say about you that I care about!”

  “Right.” What’s wrong with me? I need to let this go. I don’t want to have our biggest argument here in front of people about something so personal.

  He drops his hand and tosses both hands helplessly out to his sides. “That’s the damn truth, Becks! I want to protect you!”

  “You want to hide me. I feel like your dirty, little secret, Finn.” Shit. Why did I say that here?

  “You’re not!” He shoves his hand back into his hair and closes his eyes.

  “Even if you would wear a wedding ring in public, you still don’t want to sign a legal document saying that I’m yours.”

  “Do you honestly need a piece of paper to believe that you’re mine?”

  “Yes.”

  “What do you want me to do?” He opens his eyes and steps closer to me, putting his face in front of mine. “Do you want me to go out and get you a diamond ring and propose to you?” He gestures with his hands wildly out to his sides. I don’t reply as I stare at a nearby tree. “Fine. I’ll do just that. Will that make you feel more secure about us?”

  Infuriated, I glare at him. “Why are you being such a dick to me?”

  “What the hell? I just said we’ll get…engaged!” He almost choked on the word. “Now you’re calling me a dick?”

  “You’d only be asking me to marry you just to shut my mouth for a while. You’d put a ring on my finger, but you still would have no intention of ever marrying me.”