“Fuck, baby! Please open your eyes. I’m about to come, and I haven’t even gotten the chance to show you more.”
“More!”
My eyes fly open at his words. The love I see shining back at me is my undoing. Clenching his ass, my nails dig into each cheek, breaking the restraint he has tried desperately to hold.
Thrusting into me over and over, I watch as his eyes cloud over with desire. Unable to fight it any longer, he pulls me to him as he thrusts deeper and deeper, making me moan as his cock touches places I never knew existed.
“Am I hurting you, baby?”
“No. No,” I say between pants of breath.
“Fuck, I can’t stop. I can’t slow down. I…”
Pulling me into him one last time, he rocks me against him as he comes, hard, shouting my name upon his release.
Following right along behind him, I scream his name as well.
***
“That’s not the worst of the ordeal, Dev. After I survived the attack, my friends rallied around me for support. For eight years they would help me get through the nightmares, the day terrors, and all the sleepless nights. I thought I was so lucky to have such great people surrounding me.”
“That’s great, honey. I’m so happy.”
He held me as we lay in bed with the blanket just covering us. I am unable to move, but I want to finish telling him what happened. I want him to understand so I won’t have to relive the details again—at least anytime soon.
Shaking my head and closing my eyes, my mouth twists from the thoughts that play out in my mind. The friends I thought I was so lucky to have.
“No, Dev, you don’t understand. It turned out they were just using my trauma for their own gain. You see, the man who did this to me was never caught. He’s still out there. The police never found enough evidence to track down the person responsible. No DNA, and nothing to connect anyone to the crime. There was nothing they could do but try to find links with other similar crimes.”
“Jesus,” he says, barely audible as his face falls.
“A few years ago, news footage I saw showed another murder that happened to resemble what happened to me. I was numb from the similarities in the crimes. My friends rallied around me in support—or so I thought. But it wasn’t support they were surrounding me with—it was questions. They wanted my take on how I was doing. What did I feel when I watched the news footage? Did I have flashbacks from my own attack?”
“What? Why were they asking you all that?”
“Then I saw Bethany on the news, telling them all about the feelings I’d had about the recent murders.”
“You’re kidding me!”
Oh yeah, he’s pissed now.
“After that, she actually had the audacity to ask if I’d like to talk after work about how I was feeling.”
“Wow, great friend.”
He shook his head, completely astounded.
“That’s what I thought, too. That’s when I decided it was time to put a stop to that life and start a new one.”
“That’s how you ended up here? And that’s why we haven’t… I mean, why you haven’t been able to…”
It isn’t that we haven’t been intimate. It’s was just that I can’t be naked in front of him.
“I’m sorry, Devin. I wanted to before, it’s just that I didn’t want to answer the questions about the scars. I wasn’t ready.”
Taking a deep breath to calm his racing heart, Devin rolls on top of me, hovering just above me, kissing all the hurt away with his love.
“Clara baby, when are you going to get it? I love you. You. All of you, even these scars you were afraid to show me. You, my love are everything to me. We’ll figure it out. Together. Don’t worry, baby. As long as we tell each other what’s going on, we can figure it out.”
He kisses my eyes, lips, forehead, and neck.
“You know what these scars mean to me?” he asks.
Shaking my head, I stare into his eyes with wonder and curiosity.
“They mean you survived. You’re strong, and you’re the woman I want to spend my life with. That’s what these mean to me. They mean you made it, no matter the obstacles, and you arrived here. I thank God you made it to me. You’re here now, and I love you.”
Well, this isn’t what I thought would happen when I told him all of this, but hell if it isn’t better.
Then again, Devin always surprises me, and I should know better than to ever doubt this wonderful man.
“Thank you,” he says, answering my mumblings like he always does.
“For what?”
“Being you.”
I let go of the fear and anger our discussion stirred up as he starts kissing his way down my body.
“Devin?”
I try to ask what he’s doing, but his tongue is doing that swirling thing that I find mind-numbingly breathtaking.
Stopping, he looks up at my face from between my open legs.
“Yeah, baby?”
“Nothing,” I pant. “Never mind. Just please don’t stop.”
Chuckling, he let out a breath against my wet folds before his tongue sucks at the tiny nub that’s peeking out from under its hood.
Damn, he is so good at that.
Then he inserts two fingers in my folds and finds the spot that always makes me scream.
Chapter Five
My eyes open just enough to take in the darkness. By my side I see the man I adore. He’s currently regarding me as if I’m the most precious thing in the world.
I could get used to this.
“Hey, beautiful.”
“Hey, yourself. You okay?”
I can’t help worrying about him, even though I’m the one that’s lived through hell.
“I can’t believe you’re worrying about me, when you’re the one who had to endure all that all over again, just by telling me.”
“I’m a hell of a woman. What can I say?”
“Ha!”
Laughing hard, he takes me into his arms and we lie on the bed, just listening to the peace and quiet.
“So, tell me something.”
“What?”
“After an experience like that, what emotional side effects do you have to deal with?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, do you have nightmares? Do you cry in your sleep? What do you deal with on a daily basis that you haven’t told me about yet?”
Oh, God, he totally knows.
Fear grips me to the point that I feel it squeezing the air out of my lungs.
“I know it’s something. I mean, it has to be something, after all that. Tell me.”
Taking a breath, I watch him, knowing this is unavoidable.
“I have night terrors. I scream, and I don’t realize I’m doing it in my sleep. I also cry in my sleep, and sometimes I have flashes of him standing in front of me when I’m awake. I see the knife in his hands whenever the sun reflects off metal objects.”
I wait for some sort of a reaction from him. When nothing comes, I continue.
“I used to be anxious, before I moved into this secure building.”
Then, in a rush, it all spills out of me like a dam bursting. I can’t stop the flow as I tell him all my idiosyncrasies.
“That’s all?”
I just stare at him.
That’s all? Christ, what was he expecting?
“Not that all that isn’t enough for anyone to have to endure.”
Nice save.
“But I thought you’d have…”
“I also have issues with the dark, but I’ve been better about it recently compared to last year. Now I just sleep with the night-light on, instead of all the lights in the place.”
He shakes his head, then kisses my hair.
“After everything you’ve told me, today, I think we can work with that. Now, what about sex?”
“What about it?”
“Did you had sex after this all happened?”
Embarrassed, I feel myself turning
ten shades of red.
“No.”
“What about with Roger? Did you guys… You know?”
“Um, did we have sex, you mean?”
“Yeah, did you have sex with him?”
“Are you asking if I’m a virgin?”
“No! I know you’re not a virgin. Hell, we’ve been together for a while now, and we’ve been intimate on more than one occasion.”
“Devin, are you asking me how many guys have I’ve slept with?”
“No! I’m not thinking about that. I just want to know what it was like for you after the attack. It had to be hard for you to be intimate with anyone afterward.”
Now his face has turned the most adorable shade of red imaginable.
“When I got out of the hospital, Roger and I were still together. We stayed together for almost five years after the attack.”
“What happened?”
Why does he really want to know all these details? Why is he asking all this?
After all I’ve been through, trust is something I find hard to give, but losing trust in Devin is something I just can’t afford to have happen.
“Um, Dev? Why all the questions?”
I pull away from him to watch his expression, trying to give myself some protection in case I need it.
“Clara! Stop it right now.”
Jumping up, I scoot away from him in surprise.
Realizing his tone has come out harsh, he clears his throat and tries to sooth me instead.
“You know I would never, ever, do that to you.”
Deep down, I know he wouldn’t betray me the way the people I once called friends did.
Hearing him say it would really help right about now, though.
This quiet is beginning to drive me nuts. Why isn’t he talking? What is he thinking?
Turning so fast I inadvertently remove myself from his hold, I look into his eyes, expecting to find disappointment. But he doesn’t seem disappointed. In fact, he seems rather relieved.
Oh, thank goodness.
Wait? Why is he relieved?
“Good, Clara.”
“What do you mean, good?!”
I realize that I may just kill him in this moment.
“You heard me. Good.”
“What the heck does that even mean, Devin? Is it good that I think you might be using me, too? Good that you don’t have to deal with that? What? Tell me!”
He can’t help it. He starts to laugh so hard in response to my outburst that the bed shakes.
“It’s good that that fucker didn’t destroy my woman. It’s good that you didn’t lose your virginity to that bastard that hurt you. Good that you know what it is like to be mine. All mine. That’s the good I’m referring to. That’s the good I can’t wait to show you. That’s the good that will happen again, soon enough.”
Then he takes a deep breath.
“Oh, and what the fuck, Clar? I won’t betray you! I could understand after everything you’ve been through that the thought of me asking these questions has you spooked, but I want to know now so I don’t ask later.”
He grabs me by the arm and pulls me until I fall against his hard, naked chest.
“Soon enough?”
“Yes, soon enough. Not tonight, but soon.”
“Why not tonight?”
“You know why.”
“No, I don’t know why.”
“Clara baby, retelling that story is going to have side effects that we will need to deal with tonight. I know it as much as I know you. Plus, I don’t want our time together tainted with the memory of that incident. I want our love to be between us, and only us. Not about something some asshole did to you. Understand?”
Unable to believe my ears, I take a deep breath of my own. This is, without a doubt, the most wonderful thing anyone has ever said to me.
“Besides, you need to finish the story. What happened to the friends?”
“What friends?”
“The friends that used you for your perspective. Those friends. And Roger.”
“Oh, them.”
“Yes, them.”
“Well, after I realized they were using me, I decided it was beyond time for me to go. The group of them invited me to join them after my shift, but I wasn’t going to take them up on anything anymore. So I just gave them some lame excuse about being exhausted. Once they left, I found my boss and quit my job.”
“You just quit?” he asks, shocked. “Right on the spot, after you realized what was going on?”
“Yep.”
“Wow, okay. Continue.”
“I knew I wanted to move to the west coast, and I knew from past visits that I loved this town, so when I got home, I packed my luggage and took the first flight out of town. It wasn’t anything all that dramatic. It was just my clothes, anyway. After the attack, I really didn’t feel that free to live, so I just existed. I had a few pieces of cheap furniture and some knickknacks here and there. That’s all that my apartment consisted of. It wasn’t a big deal to leave it behind and move to a new place.”
“You just up and left?”
“Well, I told my parents.”
“Well, that’s something. What about Bethany, and the so-called friends? What happened to them?”
“After I found my place out here, I thought about contacting them, but for what? They used me for years as their cash cow. Why deal with any of that again?”
“Okay, we’ll discuss that another time, but honey, what makes you think those people only wanted to use you as their cash cow?”
“I told you, I saw the news footage and heard about the money they got from the interviews. It’s obvious. Isn’t it?”
“Baby, once we get ourselves together, and I mean together-together, we’ll deal with all the friends you left behind.”
“Why?”
“Why? Because they were your family. You don’t just leave your family and just move across the country. Besides, from what I can tell when you speak of them, you sort of miss them.”
“No, I don’t.”
“Yes, you do, but we’ll let that go for now.”
“Devin, what makes you think I miss my old friends?”
“Clara, trust me, I know you. You miss your friends, but it’s okay. You learned to move on, and that’s what matters most right now. Your old friends we’ll deal with later. For now, finish your story. What happened with Roger?”
“Our relationship just ran its course, that’s all.”
“Ran its course, how?”
“Why are you asking about all this stuff?”
“I told you. I want to know everything. You’ll have your chance to ask me anything you want after we finish with this conversation.”
“Promise?”
“Yeah, baby. I promise we have all the time we need for you to grill me relentlessly about my past as well.”
“Devin!”
Elbowing him in the ribs, he lets out a breath as he laughs at the angry face I’m making at him.
“I have a feeling more will come out sooner or later.”
“More what?”
Ugh, this man and his cryptic words!
“Roger and I spent the next five years working on making sure that I was alright. He spent most of our relationship worrying about me instead of being my partner. When I didn’t want to go back to my old life and be the woman he fell in love with, we just fizzled out. And I can understand that. He tried to get the old Clara back, but she was altered forever, and he couldn’t deal with that anymore. We just grew apart.”
It was my fault we hadn’t really lasted beyond the trauma. He’d tried to help me recover, to be the person I was before the attack, but I just couldn’t remember how to be that person. I was too damaged to be her anymore. I could only do what I could for me, and not worry about what that did to him.
Now I feel myself falling into a deep sleep. I know I will dream of everything I had to endure after the incident. Recovering from that was hell, and with me being so soft
and so full of life, it was extra difficult.
I can feel Devin watching me as I drift off. I know his heart is probably aching that he wasn’t there with me at that time in my life.
He may not have been there then, but he sure as heck is here now. And we’ll figure this out. Together.
These are the last thoughts that float through my mind before sleep claims me.
***
Penetrating the silence, the agonizing cry and screech slams its way into his subconscious, causing chills to creep up his spine. He sits up from his position next to her and watches her gasp for breath, hyperventilating as her face scrunches in pain. A pain he can’t even begin to comprehend.
Sweat pours off her like ripples of water cascading down her skin. The thought of them together naked in the shower has his manhood beginning to twitch. This is so not the time for these thoughts. Chastising himself, he takes a steady breath before he approaches her, knowing full well if he tries to shush her, she will only go further down the rabbit hole. Trying to remain calm, he prepares himself for this moment.
Then, all of a sudden, she shoots up from the bed and begins screaming.
Oh, crap!
Gut-piercing screams escape her lips as her eyes fly open to meet his.
Does she see him?
“Honey, it’s just me. It’s okay. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
He coos the words to her as though he is settling a child. His Clara is a full-grown woman, but she’s in pain over a past she can’t let go of. Not sure if she’s even heard him, he repeats this mantra over and over again, until recognition finally spreads across her face, shadowing her subconscious.
“Dev?”
The word tumbles out of her mouth as though she has just woke from sleep.
“Yes, honey, I’m here. I’m here.”
He rocks her after pulling her into his arms, squeezing her until she settles against him. He’s exhausted but content, knowing he’s been here to support her.
“I’m so sorry, Devin. I must have scared the crap out of you.”
She says this so matter-of-factly that his brows shoot up.
“Oh, hun, I knew this moment would come, and I tried to prepare for it, but to hear you go through it was…”
His body trembles just recalling the horrific screams. Unable to voice his fears, he simply stands at the edge of the bed, waiting for her next move.
Heart's Desire (Game of Hearts Series Book 2) Page 5