Live the Dream

by Claire Lorrimer

  ‘I will ask Mamma to invite you and your parents for supper tomorrow so that we can all celebrate your homecoming, Kris,’ she said evenly. ‘Last week a friend of Pappa brought him a haunch of venison from a deer he had managed to shoot in the forest and get it home without the Germans confiscating it. It will be a perfect time to enjoy it.’

  She leant closer to Kristoffer and lightly kissed his cheek. The look on her face was now happily complacent as she realized that if she could maintain this casual approach to their relationship, all she needed to do was to sit back patiently and wait for Kristoffer to return his love to her.

  TEN

  It was quite extraordinary, James thought as he looked at the pretty, flushed face of the young girl in the big iron bedstead, that he could be feeling such a rush of emotion. It wasn’t love; he would never love anyone but the wife he had adored, but it was a fierce feeling of protectiveness, of tenderness which overcame him when he greeted Dilys in her room at The Willows.

  Dilys was looking exhausted but deliriously happy as she gazed proudly at her newborn baby lying swaddled in the crib beside her bed. Above all, she looked so young and vulnerable that any lingering doubt that he might have done the wrong thing by marrying her now disappeared.

  ‘The baby is very pretty although she doesn’t seem to have your lovely red hair!’ he said, smiling at Dilys as he bent over the crib. ‘Have you thought of a name for her yet?’

  Dilys returned James’ smile, and then a shadow of doubt crossed her face. ‘I had thought perhaps Christina?’ she said hesitantly. ‘It could be shortened to Tina!’

  James nodded. ‘Whatever you like!’ he told her, at the same time recalling the name of the Norwegian boy who had got her pregnant.

  Seeing his expression, Dilys said quickly, ‘But if you don’t—’

  ‘No, no, Dilys, Christina is fine,’ he interrupted. ‘It’s quite a long name for someone so tiny but Tina suits her very well.’

  How much did James know about the past? Dilys wondered. She must ask Una what, if anything, James had wanted to know. It was ridiculous, she told herself, that they were now a married couple yet they knew so little about each other.

  A wave of gratitude to him suddenly overwhelmed her. The baby daughter she had given birth to after many hours of almost unbearable pain was even more precious to her now than when she had been carrying her. But for James, she might now be awaiting an unbearable parting as Matron handed her baby to adopting parents.

  Impulsively, she clutched James’ hand. ‘Thank you!’ she whispered. ‘I’ll always be grateful, I promise. Always.’

  Touched by her declaration, James cleared his throat and said, ‘I am the one who should be grateful!’ He smiled as he continued, ‘You know how I feel about all newborns – puppies, kittens, etc. – tiny replicas of their parents, their helplessness, their vulnerability.’

  It was this sensitivity which made him such a good and popular vet, and Dilys now understood why Una believed she could be happy married to this man. She was not only grateful to him but the better she knew him, the more she liked him. Shyly, she declared: ‘I will try to be a good wife, James, I promise. I want you to tell me if I’m not doing things right. Una says you have been getting rooms ready for me and the baby, and … and I’m really looking forward to going back to Brook House with you next week. I hate it here. Sometimes at night I can hear one of the girls crying. She isn’t going to be able to keep her baby. It’s so awful, James, when people come to take one of the babies away.’ She glanced briefly at her own baby daughter and said softly, ‘Thank you! Thank you so very much for marrying me!’

  Greatly moved, James cleared his throat and, rising to his feet from the chair by Dilys’ bed, he said gruffly, ‘I’ll leave you to get some rest. Matron said you’d had a difficult time and were exhausted so I mustn’t stay long. I told Una to cancel all today’s appointments but to get a message to me here if there was an emergency which, thankfully, has not been the case. Nevertheless, as you know, clients don’t come into or near the main part of the house so they won’t see you and the baby and ask awkward questions. With the war, lots of chaps are getting married quickly before being sent abroad. I intend to put a notice on Una’s desk announcing that my wife and I have had a baby girl, and if there are further questions she is to say, “Didn’t you know, he and my sister were married some time ago”.

  Yet again, Dilys’ heart filled with gratitude. She had only thought vaguely of the difficulties there could be if she married James. It seemed now that he had sorted everything out.

  ‘You aren’t likely to be called up for active service, are you?’ she asked anxiously.

  ‘The news isn’t good, I’m afraid!’ James replied, his expression serious. ‘The Germans are pushing us back towards the coast so it has to be faced – we are in retreat. If we can’t stop the Germans it seems inevitable the troops will be the next target on Hitler’s list. They have only to cross the Channel for it to mean every able-bodied man would be needed to defend ourselves. The Prime Minster, Mr Churchill, has already ordered the formation of a band of older men to be called the Home Guard to help our defence if there is an invasion.’

  He broke off, realizing that he should not be relating this frightening news to the young girl lying exhausted after a difficult childbirth. In a lighter tone, he added: ‘Don’t worry, Dilys, I won’t be called up in a hurry. I’d have to find another vet first to take over my clients.’

  To distract her, he bent over the cot once more and stared at the baby who was sleeping peacefully. ‘She really is very pretty, isn’t she?’ he repeated. ‘Take care of yourself, my dear, and by the way, I forgot to tell you: Una will be in to see you this afternoon as soon as I get back to hold the fort.’

  Exhausted yet strangely comforted by James’ unexpected visit, Dilys lay back against her pillows and thought about the news he had given her. If England and France were losing the battle to halt the German’s advance, what might already have happened to Norway? To Kristoffer? Was he still alive? Was he a prisoner of war? It was so dreadful not knowing even if he was alive. She would have given the world to be able to see him now, to show him his baby girl.

  When Una arrived later that afternoon, they shared a tray of tea and cherry cake provided by Matron, who had been a great deal more accommodating since receiving the generous cheque from James when he had first visited The Willows. Sitting on the end of Dilys’ bed, Una, for once, was being surprisingly unsympathetic as Dilys confided her fears for Kristoffer.

  ‘Dil, you’re married to James now and you’ve just got to stop thinking about the past.’ Seeing Dilys’ expression, she added quickly: ‘I do understand how much Kristoffer meant to you, but you can never belong to him now – not even if he suddenly appeared. You’ve just got to forget him. I know it won’t be easy …’ Her glance went to the baby. The crumpled skin of the newborn had almost disappeared and the likeness of the infant to her father was unmistakable. ‘But it isn’t fair to James.’ She leant forward and took one of Dilys’ hands in hers. ‘Dil, darling, he was so full of compliments about the baby when he got back to the surgery. He said I’d be sure to fall in love with her because she was such a sweet, pretty little thing and she hadn’t cried once while he was here. He’s going to love her, Dil and I know that’s what you hoped for when you agreed to marry him.’

  ‘Yes, you’re right!’ Dilys agreed. ‘I will try harder to forget Kristoffer – I really will – but it isn’t easy.’ She paused momentarily and then said tentatively, ‘Did anyone tell Mother and Father about the baby?’

  Una nodded. ‘I telephoned them in London but they knew anyway – Matron had already rung Mother. She said she and Father were “too busy” to visit you, but of course that was just an excuse.’ She paused once more and then continued: ‘I suppose you can’t blame them.’ A sudden smile lit up her face. ‘Mother will have to tell the aunts, in due course. She’ll probably say that you married James secretly and Tina is a honeymoon b
aby.’

  Dilys was smiling now as they hugged one another.

  ‘Was it ghastly giving birth?’ Una asked as they drank their tea. ‘Did it hurt terribly?’

  Dilys nodded. ‘I thought I was going to die but the midwife kept telling me everything was fine. She was really nice.’ She put down her empty teacup and looked down at the baby beside her bed. ‘But it was worth all the agony, Una. I love her so much! I never would have been able to let her be adopted the way Mother and Father wanted. I’ll never stop being grateful to James for making it possible for me to keep her.’

  There was a brief silence before Una said, ‘Did James tell you that he thinks he will be called up? He has been in touch with the two other vets nearest to Fenbury to see if either of them would take on his regulars if he did have to go. He asked me, if that happened, whether I would like to move in and live with you and the baby. Of course I said yes, if Father would let me. At first Father said no, but he told me girls of eighteen were being called up for war service, not to fight but to work in factories and to help farmers and do nursing, as well as volunteering to join the army, navy or air force. So if I’m old enough to do all those things, I’m old enough to come and live with you if I want.’

  Dilys looked at her twin’s animated expression and smiled. ‘It would be wonderful if you did come to live in Brook House, but … but wouldn’t you rather do something more exciting? You could join one of the services – or maybe the new Air Transport Auxiliary and learn to fly an aeroplane like Amy Johnson.’

  Una nodded. ‘I saw the article about her too, in one of the magazines in the waiting room in the surgery. But I don’t know if I’d be old enough to get chosen. Anyway, Dil, I wouldn’t be able to live with you if I joined up. I hate it when we can’t be together. Until you came here we were never apart, even for a single night – which reminds me, James says he will put two beds in the spare room so we can be together.’

  Dilys returned her happy smile. ‘You may not want to share,’ she said. ‘Not if Tina cries all night and keeps you awake.’ Her smile faded as she added: ‘Oh, Una, I’m so afraid I won’t be able to look after Tina properly. I don’t know anything about babies. James says his housekeeper, Mrs White, will advise me, and anyway, he says small babies are like newborn puppies: all they need is warmth, food and lots of sleep!’

  They both smiled, and then Una said, ‘Having raised his own baby, the poor little boy who died, he will know exactly what you need to do for little Tina.’

  Dilys nodded, her eyes thoughtful. ‘James has never talked about his wife or the child. It must have been so awful for him, losing them both so suddenly. Maybe Tina will sort of help to fill that gap.’ She sighed. ‘I really will try to be a good wife to him, Una. I mean, be a bit more affectionate than Mother and Father are. I don’t think I’ve ever seen them kissing or even holding hands. I wouldn’t mind holding James’ hand or kissing him goodnight but … well, I couldn’t be a real wife the way I was with Kristoffer.’

  For a moment, neither of the twins spoke, then the maid came into the room to collect the tea things and reported that Matron had said she was to tell Una that visiting time was over.

  Reluctantly, Una hugged Dilys and, after promising to come and see her again on Saturday afternoon when the surgery was closed, she kissed her once more, took a last look at the sleeping baby and left the room.

  Tears, partly of weakness after the recent ordeal of the birth, trickled down Dilys’ cheeks. Although Una’s visit had cheered her in one way, there was still another whole week to go before she would be allowed to leave The Willows. The birth had not been an easy one, and she’d had several stitches which added to her physical discomfort. She tried hard not to let her thoughts return to Kristoffer and her desperate longing to see him – to show him the beautiful baby girl they had made together. The tiny child was so unmistakably his. She had his blue eyes and wisps of almost white-blonde hair. Even the shape of his mouth looked the same.

  As if sensing her mother’s need for comfort, the baby awoke and started to cry. Dilys leant over and lifted her warm little body into her arms. Almost at once, the baby stopped crying and nestled against her swollen breasts, seeking instinctively for a nipple. Dilys’ tears dried instantly and she felt a swift surge of pleasure as her baby started to feed.

  They were still lying in a gentle embrace, sleeping peacefully, when two hours later the maid returned with Dilys’ supper. The middle-aged woman glanced at the young mother and baby as she placed the tray on the bedside table and was strangely moved by the peaceful look on both their faces. This was as it should be, she thought, aware that for once the mother would not have to give her baby away. She felt a moment of pleasure. The maid was more accustomed to seeing most of the girls and women here at The Willows crying their eyes out, their faces drawn, anguished by the knowledge of the coming parting with their babies. This young girl was lucky, very lucky, in that at the last minute the man she presumed to be the father had turned up to make an honest woman of the girl and to legitimize the child. The fact that the man looked almost old enough to be her father really didn’t matter that much. At least this young girl did not have to give her newborn baby to strangers. Closing the bedroom door behind her, she reflected that The Willows, where she worked every day, was very far from being a happy establishment, but the pay was unusually good, and with six growing children and a husband who was away at war, she could not afford to be fussy, and happy days like this were a nice bonus. The picture of the young mother in the bed cuddling her baby was one she could, for once, happily take home when her long day’s work ended.

  ELEVEN

  Christmas, the second of the war, was only two days away. James looked across the sitting room at Dilys, who was nursing her baby. Dilys’ mouth, usually curved in a happy smile, was set in a stubborn line as she repeated: ‘There is absolutely no way I’m going home for Christmas lunch if I can’t take Tina. If my parents won’t acknowledge my daughter, they can do without one of theirs!’

  Una looked up from the rug by the fire where she was sitting wrapping a present. Turning to James, a worried frown on her face, she said, ‘Dil won’t listen to me, James. I’ve tried to explain that our parents aren’t rejecting Tina, it’s just that the aunts always come for Christmas lunch and if they saw Tina they would know immediately why Dil got married so quickly without them being told. They’d be fearfully shocked and disapproving.’

  Dilys’ head shot up and her cheeks flushed a deeper pink as she said, ‘So their feelings are more important than mine! Well, I don’t care and I’m not going!’

  It was a moment or two before James spoke. Then he said quietly, ‘I do understand how you feel, but you know, Dilys, they could have refused to see you again despite your marriage to me. Many turned their daughters out of their homes and banished them in similar circumstances. Others would have refused to allow Una to stay here with you whenever she wants. As far as Christmas is concerned, you yourself have told me that your aunts are very old fashioned and any suspicion as to Tina’s illegitimacy they would see as scandalous?’

  Dilys’ expression softened slightly but her voice was still bitter when she declared, ‘Maybe you are right about the aunts, but Mother hasn’t once – not once – been to see Tina, not even when we had her christened.’

  James exchanged glances with Una and then said gently, ‘I do understand your feelings, my dear,’ he repeated, ‘but perhaps you should understand their concerns for the family’s reputation. As Una says, you should try to see things from their point of view. It’s important that the bridges should be maintained between you. You may require their support when Una leaves to join the Women’s Auxiliary Air Force and becomes a WAAF, and I am likely to be called up soon, too.’

  The thoughts of all three turned to the scenes on the recent cinema news of the thousands of soldiers from the defeated army trapped on the beaches of Dunkirk last June, waiting for rescue by the astonishing armada of little boats manned by th
eir owners. The loss of life and the loss of huge numbers of men taken prisoner made it obvious that every able-bodied man was now needed to defend the country from the expected invasion. No one doubted that Britain was clearly Hitler’s next objective. James had been lucky to find a much older vet in the adjoining village who was willing to incorporate his own veterinary practice with his.

  James glanced quickly at Una, who nodded her agreement that this was a good moment to discuss the immediate future with Dilys. ‘I had supposed Una would be here to keep you company when I was called up,’ he said, ‘but she will be leaving any day now. You will be on your own, and I’d be so much happier if I knew that you and your parents were properly reconciled; that you might even decide to return home.’

  He paused to look tenderly at the now-sleeping infant in her mother’s arms who he loved as much as if she had been his own. The seven-month-old baby was extremely pretty with her blue eyes and a surprisingly large amount of tight, white-blonde curls.

  ‘As for this Christmas,’ he continued, ‘Tina is not going to know or care why she isn’t coming to Hannington Hall with us. I guess she would far rather spend the afternoon here with Mrs White who, as you well know, will be only too happy to look after her on Christmas Day, give her her lunchtime bottle and tuck her up for her afternoon rest.’

  That was unarguable, Dilys thought. James’ housekeeper had been a tower of strength to her ever since she had arrived at Brook House with her newborn baby in her arms. Not only did Mrs White adore Tina but she had taken it upon herself to offer help and advice on all matters of baby care having reared six children of her own, all now healthy young adults. She was both capable and competent.

  Reluctantly, Dilys finally accepted James and Una’s advice that she should attend the Christmas lunch at Hannington Hall without her baby. Mrs White was almost as doting as she was, after all, and Tina would certainly not miss her.