Live the Dream

by Claire Lorrimer

  She had heard about the groups of men who had banded together to carry out dangerous acts of sabotage in France and Norway. A senior officer had told her about one such event which took place last April. A number of Norwegian secret resistance workers had blown up a train in the north of Norway carrying German troops and ammunition and almost completely destroyed it, but in doing so several Norwegians had also died. Awful though it was to contemplate such undertakings, it flashed across Una’s mind that if Kristoffer were to be engaged in such dangerous activities he might not survive the war. It would be kinder to leave him in ignorance of Dil’s marriage and to say nothing to her about his efforts to find her.

  Una now told Kristoffer that her twin was engaged in the same secret work as herself: that she had not yet finished her training, after which she might be posted anywhere in the country where WAAFs were slowly but efficiently replacing their male counterparts for active service.

  Kristoffer had one last hope. ‘Your home in the country,’ he said. ‘If I write to her there—’

  ‘I’m sorry but Hannington Hall has been requisitioned,’ Una broke in. ‘You could write to her here at the RAF Club. Address the envelope to me and I’ll give it to her next time I see her. There’s no other way I can put you in touch with her.’

  Despite this grain of comfort, so great was Kristoffer’s disappointment at the thought of not seeing Dilys that, for a moment, he could not find words to reply to Una. She was looking different from the girl he’d known in Germany but very smart in her blue WAAF uniform. Nevertheless, her facial resemblance to Dilys remained the same and it was a kind of torment for him to go on looking at her, knowing that she was not the girl he loved.

  ‘I’ll bring a letter for Dil back here later today,’ he told her. ‘I’m sure I don’t have to tell you what a crushing blow it is for me not to see her. Do you realize, Una, that in three weeks’ time it will have been two years since we last saw one another. I expect she told you I gave her a ring as we planned to get married as soon as she was old enough. I know it wasn’t official but we were sort of engaged. Una, you must know … has she forgotten me? I know she meant all the things she said at the time, but perhaps at her age …’ He paused to draw a long, painful sigh and then added: ‘Perhaps she meant it at the time but then—’ He broke off, his voice too choked with misery to continue.

  Una’s heart filled with pity. She said quickly, ‘Of course she meant it at the time. She was for ever talking about the tremendous crush she had on you but … well, a lot has happened since then, what with the war and so many men dying on the beaches at Dunkirk, and the Blitz and everything. That wonderful year we had in Munich does seem to have faded into the past, doesn’t it? I’m so sorry, Kristoffer.’

  Reading between the lines, Kristoffer now realized that Una was trying to warn him that Dilys’ love had not perhaps endured as had his own.

  ‘I suppose it was silly of me to believe she felt as deeply as I did … do …’ he muttered with difficulty. He was silent for a moment, not trusting his voice. Then he cleared his throat and said, ‘I will put my home address in the letter I will leave here at the club for you to give to her. I realize she can’t just post it to Norway, but she could address it to me at our government’s headquarters in Prince’s Gate, Knightsbridge, and I am sure they will forward it to me. I will write the address …’

  Una held out her hand, saying, ‘I’m afraid I’ll have to rush off, Kristoffer. I’m meeting a friend for lunch so I’ll have to dash or I’ll be late. Otherwise you could come back inside and have a drink. I—’

  ‘I quite understand!’ Kristoffer interrupted. ‘Can I try and get a taxi for you?’

  Glad to be leaving the painful situation, Una said quickly, ‘No, thanks! I’m only going to the Ritz so I’ll walk.’

  Guessing that Una wished to get away, Kristoffer announced that he was going in the opposite direction to buy a present for his parents at Harrods. He turned back down Piccadilly towards Knightsbridge, but at Hyde Park Corner he crossed into the park and walked aimlessly towards the Serpentine where he found a bench overlooking the lake and sat down, feeling more despondent than he had ever felt before. He was momentarily annoyed with himself for not having asked Una if she knew whether Dilys had received the letter he had written to her and addressed to Sir Godfrey, but on second reflection it no longer seemed relevant. Una would have told him if that had been the case.

  It was now time, he told himself, to face the fact that those halcyon days in Munich he’d spent with Dilys were probably no more than a memory to her. It might even be as well if he, too, put them to the back of his mind in view of the life he now led in Norway. In a few days’ time he would be back in his own country, ready to carry out what was clearly a very dangerous mission. It would be better both for him and the enterprise if he did not have anything else on his mind.

  Angrily, he brushed away the threatening tears and, with his hands thrust deep into his trouser pockets, he stood up and strode dejectedly across the park back to his hotel.

  FOURTEEN

  James sat in his favourite armchair and looked across the room at Dilys. She had eighteen-month-old Tina on her lap and had been reading her a story, but the little girl was holding one hand in front of her face and playing peek-a-boo with him.

  ‘I really don’t know why I am wasting my time reading this,’ Dilys said, laughing. ‘Make up your mind, Tina: do you want a story or would you rather play games with Daddy?’

  ‘Games!’ the child said without hesitation, her large blue eyes sparkling.

  ‘In that case,’ Dilys said to James, ‘she can sit on your lap while I go and get her bottle ready.’

  Dilys stood up and, handing the child to James, she disappeared into the kitchen, a smile lingering on her lips. Watching her go, it struck James how greatly she had changed in the past eighteen months. The look of strain had disappeared, her movements were relaxed and she was perfectly at ease in his company. As for her child, little Tina had completely stolen his heart. It surprised him, each time she came running to him or held up her face to be kissed, that he realized he loved her as much as he had once loved the baby son who had been killed with his wife.

  Now, as he settled Tina on his knees, it struck him that his feelings for Dilys, too, had changed. In those first difficult months following their hurried marriage, they had been of concern and understanding as to how sad she must be at the absence of the father of her child. From the start she had been completely honest with him about the fact that she still loved the young Norwegian student who had made her pregnant.

  It had been largely pity for her predicament which had urged him on the spur of the moment to offer to marry her so she could keep her unborn baby. He knew most people would think he was out of his mind to have done so, but he had no doubt whatever that it had proved to be the right thing to do – not just for her and her child, but for himself, too.

  Dilys was busy in the kitchen preparing Tina’s bedtime bottle of milk which he loved to hold for the now-sleepy child. It had become a special time of day which he really looked forward to when he finished the day’s work, closed the surgery and joined Dilys and Tina in the other part of the house. Dilys would have a drink ready for him, the child usually bathed and in her pyjamas, both greeting him with smiles of welcome and Tina eager for kisses and hugs. Dilys would be interested to hear about the day’s activities, and to tell him what she and Tina had been up to. The look of strain and sadness had been replaced by a soft, maternal contentment.

  Suddenly, as he sat there with Dilys’ baby girl’s arms round his neck, he was so intensely aware of his feeling of utter contentment that it surprised him. Catching his breath, he realized what had happened to him: he had fallen in love with the girl he had married. But almost at once, he remembered that in two days’ time he would be leaving her – his call-up date had been confirmed.

  James’ thoughts turned uneasily to the desperate state the Allies were in. Apart from the
huge numbers of men captured on land there had been a horrifying loss of men at sea: losses in the Middle East where the 8th Army was trying to keep the German army at bay, not to mention the loss of pilots and air crews. With the country in imminent danger of defeat, he’d felt he had no choice other than to volunteer his services. Not only men but women, too, were needed, replacing men whose jobs they were now doing, releasing them for more active duties. Una was already a member of the WAAF and was stationed near Bath, where she was engaged in secret work. Yet another new force had been created called the Women’s Land Army, made up of girls and women who were replacing farmworkers. Other women had joined the Air Transport Auxiliary Service and were flying planes from the factories to the airfields where they were so desperately needed.

  Knowing as he did that his neighbouring veterinary colleague was willing to take over his practice, James had been in no doubt he must offer his services. At the time he had done so, he’d been looking forward to it, but now … now suddenly he knew the very last thing he wanted to do was to leave his home, to leave the sleepy little girl on his lap and, not least, to leave Dilys.

  That night, lying in bed in the darkness unable to sleep, James’ thoughts went round and round in his head as he tried to fathom whether it was possible that a young girl not yet twenty might grow to love a man of thirty-six, sixteen years her senior. Not that he felt old. He felt like a young boy who had discovered love for the first time. It wasn’t the first time, of course. He had loved his first wife, his childhood sweetheart. Their families and friends had all expected they would marry. It had been a quiet, gentle relationship, happy despite the years of arduous training. Their honeymoon had been postponed until after he had graduated but never took place because of the horrible car accident which had ended both his young wife’s and baby son’s lives.

  He thought now of Dilys sleeping next door and felt a great surge of longing to hold her in his arms and make love to her. With a deep sigh of frustration, he knew his desire would not be reciprocated. If she was awake, her thoughts would be either with Tina, or Una, or with the three evacuees she had volunteered to take in under the scheme to protect London’s children from the terrible bombing of the capital. Two boys and their sister would be arriving next week after he had left and would be company for her, Dilys had said, now he was leaving and Una had gone. She herself wanted to do war work of some kind but, after much deliberation, the plan to take in evacuees seemed the best way to help the war effort as Tina would not be affected.

  When James awoke the following day, his last before his departure, Una arrived unexpectedly. She had a twenty-four-hour pass, she explained as she dumped her service cap and kit bag on a chair by the breakfast table. After kissing everyone, she sat down on one of the kitchen chairs.

  ‘I was on night duty,’ she said, her eyes twinkling, ‘and as the weather had closed down and there was no flying, I wasn’t a bit tired at the end of my shift, so I dashed back to my billet, grabbed my kit bag, thumbed a lift to the station and caught the milk train.’

  She twisted round and lifted Tina out of her high chair on to her lap, hugged her, and over the top of the child’s head, added: ‘I’ve got a date with a Polish pilot in London this evening so I won’t be able to stay the night, but I’ll be here for lunch. I’m hoping the trains are still running. I heard on the wireless that last night’s raid on London was pretty grim.’

  Listening to her twin’s bright, animated voice, Dilys realized suddenly how far apart they had grown since their lives had divided so precipitously. Whatever job Una was now doing, she was clearly finding it interesting and was enjoying her life in the air force. It seemed that when she and her fellow WAAFs were not on duty they were having plenty of fun. Most of the girls, like Una, were very young and, for the first time, were free of parental control. They now worked side by side with young men and girls from very different backgrounds, and were discovering how sheltered their own lives had been.

  She stopped talking for a minute to play with the delighted child who thought she now had two mummies as Dilys and Una looked and sounded so alike. Una’s gaze wandered to James, whose eyes were fastened on Dilys. His expression was so unmistakably one of love and longing that she turned quickly away.

  Did Dilys know James had fallen in love with her? Una wondered. If so, how was her twin going to deal with it, insisting as she always had done that she would never love anyone but Kristoffer? One thing was absolutely certain: she must never tell Dilys that Kristoffer had been in England looking for her. She seemed perfectly happy married to James and with her adorable baby. It struck Una that her twin was in a kind of contented, middle-age, sexless partnership. If James had indeed fallen in love with her, was that cocoon now threatened?

  It was not until James went off to the empty surgery to make sure all his equipment was safely stored, and the cat he was boarding had settled down quite happily, that Una had a chance for a quick chat with Dilys on her own. They took Tina up to her cot upstairs for a nap and, knowing they might not have much time alone together, Una went straight to the point. ‘You do know James is in love with you, Dil?’ she said.

  Dilys frowned. ‘I did know something had changed. I can’t explain what exactly – the tone of his voice, perhaps, or the way he now wanders into the kitchen and sits in his chair chatting to me when before he’d sit in his armchair in the drawing room and put the wireless on or read the paper.’

  She looked anxious as she added: ‘I kept telling myself I was imagining that he was finding more ways to be with me.’

  ‘Well, if I’m right, how will you cope?’ Una asked.

  Dilys followed Una back into the sitting room where they seated themselves side by side on the sofa. After a moment’s silence, Dilys said, ‘James leaves tomorrow. He seems to think that after he has finished his training he will almost certainly be sent overseas, but if that happened, he should get embarkation leave first.’ She paused, and then said hesitantly, ‘Do you think I should let him make love to me before he goes, Una? I mean … well, so far all the giving has been on his part. I know he loves Tina and she certainly loves him, but I’m the one who has had all the benefits from the marriage.’

  Una shook her head. ‘That isn’t so, Dil. James led a pretty lonely life before you came along. Remember how he used to drive me home if I’d been working late or the weather was bad? When I thanked him, he’d always tell me not to think about it – that he had nothing needing his attention at home and running me home was a useful way to occupy his time. He is very lonely, and you and Tina have made his house a home.’

  For a moment, Dilys did not speak, and then she said, ‘I’m really, really fond of James. He’s a lovely person and I’d be devastated if anything awful happened to him. I don’t want him to go away thinking I don’t care, because I do!’

  ‘Then sleep with him, Dil. After all, he is your husband and what harm can it do? Unless you want another baby, then for God’s sake make sure he wears one of those thingummies! A baby wouldn’t be a good idea in the middle of a war and you living here on your own. By the way, when do your refugees arrive?’

  For a short while before James returned, they spoke of the recent terrible fires and bomb damage inflicted on London and how these had persuaded those parents formerly reluctant to take advantage of the government’s evacuation scheme to part from their children and ensure their safety in the country.

  ‘I feel so sorry for them,’ Dilys said. ‘I don’t think I could bear to let Tina go to strangers – people I’d never even met.’

  Una’s thoughts turned to the little girl who looked quite extraordinarily like her real father. It was fortunate that neither James nor anyone else in the family but herself had ever met Kristoffer and realized Tina was not James’ child. For a fleeting moment, she wondered whether she had done the right thing by lying to the Norwegian so he could not find Dilys and upset the contented life she now had with her precious baby and the kind-hearted James. She could envisage a time w
hen Dil learned to love him but she knew her heart was still with Kristoffer. For the time being, she knew Dilys still wore his ring on a chain round her neck and had not discarded it, even when James had put his wedding ring on her finger.

  Una now found herself wishing that she could tell Dilys about her life and work in the WAAF. The radar system which allowed her and all the other girls on her shift to plot the movements of incoming enemy aircraft was so totally secret because the Germans did not have the same advantage and could not understand how the British fighters managed to be airborne and waiting for their bombers before they reached their targets.

  The RAF area group where Una was based had not long had a Filter Room, and girls like herself were subject to RAF not WAAF discipline. The men were not as strict as the women admin officers. As long as they were on duty on time for their eight-hour shifts, remembered to salute officers when they saw them and obeyed the rules for keeping their kit and Nissan huts to the required standard ready for inspections they had few restrictions when off-duty. Their irregular shifts, which often meant they were sleeping after night duty, freed them from church parades, drills and other such activities. The male officers treated them as politely as they would civilian members of the female sex, although they were not, however, permitted to fraternize with non-commissioned WAAFs.

  Una had found a way round this regulation when invited by an officer to go with him to the nearby city of Bath where there were regular dances at the Assembly Rooms. Unable to leave the camp in his car, she took a bus into the town wearing her uniform but taking with her a dress, shoes and handbag, and changed into these clothes in the ladies’ room of one of the hotels where she had agreed to meet her escort. A young officer called Alistair McDonald was the kind of companion she loved. Light-hearted and determined to make the most of every moment, he was always laughing, joking and fun to be with.