Married While Intoxicated

by Fran Shaff

  “You can pour the coffee, if you’d like.”

  “Of course.” She went to the coffee maker and retrieved the decanter. As she went about the business of filling the cups at the table, she said, “You say you were outside? Has the storm stopped?”

  “Oh, my, no. It’s raging as fiercely as ever, but a woman’s got to tend to her animals, doesn’t she?”

  “I guess she does.” Melinda finished pouring the coffee and went to the window. “How on earth did you manage to find the barn through the thickness of the storm? I can barely see it from here.”

  Sheila stood next to her and laid her hand on Melinda’s arm. “Honey, when you’ve lived on a farm for forty-two years and been through dozens of snowstorms, you learn how to negotiate through anything. And when one of your animals is sick and needs you, you’ve got to do whatever it takes to help it.”

  “I suppose.” She gazed into the mass of whiteness. “I can’t imagine living any one place for forty-two years, let alone on a farm in the middle of nowhere.”

  Sheila laughed and patted Melinda’s arm. “You think this is the middle of nowhere? You should see the place where I grew up.” She motioned for Melinda to return the coffee decanter to its hotplate. “Ever been to eastern Wyoming?”

  “No,” she said as she returned the coffee pot to its perch.

  A look of reverie crossed Sheila’s face. “Some of the most beautiful countryside on earth sets as stately as a god right there in eastern Wyoming, but a person is hard-pressed to find another human being unless she’s near a main highway.”

  “Sounds like a lonely place.”

  “It can be lonely in Wyoming, but not as lonely as it gets in Alaska. I did a stint up there after I finished high school. I tell you in all sincerity, I saw more bears on a daily basis than I saw people in Alaska.”

  “I can’t begin to imagine what that would be like. I wonder,” she said thoughtfully, “if you’d discovered you didn’t really like lonely places when you lived in Alaska, why do you live in this desolate area?”

  “Melinda, my darling, this farm is the antithesis of desolation. Why, there’s more life here than I ever thought I’d find anywhere on earth.”

  Melinda decided Sheila’s mind must have been farther over the edge than she’d thought earlier. From the little she’d seen through the snow of this isolated county in North Dakota the Pottaski farm was one of the loneliest places on the planet.

  “My husband’s here, God rest his soul, and as long as I have him with me, my soul is filled to the brim. Between Garth and God, I’m never lonely. Everywhere I look here, I see them both.” Sheila lifted her chin. “I tell you, once I met Garth, I never knew another lonely day in my life. And now you’ll know exactly what I mean because you have Matthew to share your life.”

  “Did someone say my name?” Matthew came into the kitchen looking drop-dead handsome. His red-plaid flannel shirt couldn’t hide his perfect, masculine build any more than his jeans could obliterate the strength of solid his legs. His thick, sandy brown hair, wet from showering, looked darker, almost as dark as his deep brown eyes. From twelve feet away his eyes could speak directly to Melinda’s heart. And she liked what they were saying, how they were toying with her heart, how they were telling her she belonged right where she was.

  Oh, brother, she was fantasizing again.

  “Matthew, is Derrik coming? Our food will be stone cold if we don’t sit down right now and eat.” Sheila ushered Melinda to the table. “Sit right there, dear, next to your husband.”

  “Mother…”

  Once she’d made sure Matthew and Melinda were seated next to each other, Sheila made herself comfortable across from them. Derrik joined them a few seconds later.

  “Ah, bacon, eggs, oatmeal…it smells heavenly in here.”

  “You should know, Reverend,” Sheila said, smiling proudly at her son. “Melinda, why don’t you say grace for us this morning? Derrik did the honors last night.”

  Melinda swallowed hard. She wasn’t sure what she should say. She didn’t know what denomination the Pottaskis were. “All right,” she said, clearing her throat. “This is a prayer I learned when I was a child.” She bowed her head, folded her hands and closed her eyes. “Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest. Let this food to us be blessed.”

  “Amen,” everyone said in unison.

  “And one more thing, Lord,” Sheila added quickly, “along with the food, please, bless this newly married couple. Help them to be fruitful and multiply.”

  Melinda’s eyes popped open. “Sheila!”

  “I want grandchildren.” She passed the bacon to Melinda. “Eat up.” She handed Matthew the toast and eggs. “Eggs are filled with protein and other nutrients, son. They’ll give you lots of stamina for your honeymoon.”

  “Mother!” he said violently as he took the plate of eggs and toast from her. “You’ve got to stop this nonsense. Melinda and I are not married.” He transferred two pieces of toast and three eggs to his plate. “You can carry a joke too far, you know.” He handed the platter to Melinda, and sent her a remorseful gaze. “I’m sorry if she’s making you terribly uncomfortable.”

  “I can apologize for myself, if it is necessary,” Sheila interjected. “And it isn’t necessary!”

  “All right, all right,” Derrik said as he filled his cereal bowl with fruit salad. “Let me explain exactly what happened.”

  “Please do,” Sheila and Matthew said in unison.

  Derrik glanced from his mother to his brother before he focused on Melinda. “Last night, at the supper table, you seemed terribly distracted. Naturally, we realized you had to be quite upset because of the unfortunate circumstances which caused you to be stranded in a house full of strangers.”

  “It was God’s will that Melinda be here, the answer to my prayers. You should have realized that more than anyone, Derrik.”

  He looked at Sheila and smiled. “Be fair, Mother. Let me finish explaining to Melinda and Matthew just what took place last night. Their memories,” he said, grinning at his brother and Melinda, “seem to have failed them.”

  “Wine can do that to a person,” Sheila said as she offered an even bigger grin than Derrik’s.

  The reverend focused on Melinda once more. “As I was saying, you seemed frightfully upset. It took a while, but you finally began to talk.”

  “After I poured you a glass of wine.” Sheila couldn’t stay out of Derrik’s explanation. “It loosens the tongue.”

  “Mother…” Matthew shifted his attention from Sheila to his brother. “Go on, Derrik.”

  “Once you started talking, all you wanted to discuss was your sister’s wedding. You said you were terribly distressed because your little sister Tamara was getting married before you were.”

  Melinda shifted uncomfortably in her chair as she swallowed a mouthful of half-chewed eggs. “I’m afraid that was quite petty of me.”

  Derrik shrugged. “Perhaps, but not unusual. Older siblings tend to think they need to lead the way for their younger brothers and sisters. My guess is Tamara spent a good deal of her life looking to you for leadership, and, now that she is taking a major step in her adult life before you take the same step, you might be feeling like you’re losing that part of your baby sister who always looked to you to show her the way.”

  “But her baby sister didn’t take the step to marriage first. Melinda is already married, and Tamara won’t be married for three more days.”

  “Mother, please let me finish my explanation.”

  Sheila wiped her lips with her gold checkered napkin. “You’re too slow, Derrik. Get to the part where you married them.”

  He looked at Matthew and Melinda. “After a glass or two of wine, the two of you both began to speak more freely. Melinda, you were in tears due to your sister’s beating you to the altar, and Matthew, you became her gentle comforter.”

  “I remember all of this,” Matthew said impatiently.

  “So do I…most of it, anyway,” Melinda
said as Derrik reminded her of the previously forgotten behavior which she now found quite embarrassing.

  “Derrik had to take a phone call,” Sheila said. “So the three of us talked for a while, remember that?”

  “That is where everything starts to get a little fuzzy,” Melinda reluctantly admitted.

  “I remember the three of us clearing the table as we had our wine,” Matthew said.

  “And we loaded the dishwasher,” Melinda added.

  “Yes, that’s right,” Sheila said.

  “When I finished my call, I returned to the kitchen to find the three of you had cleaned things up, finished off two bottles of wine and retired to the parlor.”

  Matthew sat up ramrod straight. “Two bottles! That’s impossible!”

  “I had only two glasses. That much I do remember,” Melinda proclaimed.

  Derrik leaned forward. “When I returned to the kitchen, there were two empty wine bottles. We’d emptied only one before I’d left. I remember placing the empty bottle in the sink when I went to answer the phone. Another bottle sat on the counter unopened.”

  As the three of them seemed to come to the same conclusion all at once, six eyes turned on Sheila.

  Her cheeks glowed as red as ripe apples. “I was only trying to calm the two of you,” she said, looking at Matthew and Melinda. “You were upset, dear Melinda, and you, Matthew, seemed to be feeling her pain just as if it were your own. Have you ever heard the expression, ‘Wine is the drink that gladdens men’s hearts?’ I think it comes from the Bible.” She gave them a look which was the picture of fake innocence. “I just wanted to gladden your hearts and take away your sadness so I kept filling your glasses when you weren’t looking.”

  “But things didn’t work out that way, Mother.” Derrik turned his attention to Matthew and Melinda once more. “When I encountered you in the living room after my phone call, you two were as glum as ever over Tamara’s wedding.”

  “So I offered the perfect solution,” Sheila interjected. “I said, ‘Melinda, how would you like to marry my Matthew?’ And you said, ‘He’s the most perfect man I’ve ever met.’”

  “She did not!” Matthew exclaimed.

  “Yes, she did,” Derrik confirmed.

  “You did?” Matthew asked Melinda.

  Her cheeks felt two hundred degrees hot. “I don’t remember.”

  “Well I do remember because it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever heard. So then I asked Matthew, “Wouldn’t this lovely girl make a beautiful wife for you and a perfect mother to my grandchildren?’ And you said, ‘Mother, she’d be perfect for Derrik.’”

  “I did not!” Matthew shouted.

  “Yes, you did,” Derrik said.

  “You did?” Melinda asked, disappointment tugging at her heart.

  The Adam’s apple in Matthew’s throat bobbed up and down. “I don’t remember.”

  “Well, I do remember because you surprised me at first with your answer until you said what you really felt,” Sheila said smugly.

  “And what was that?”

  Melinda was glad Matthew asked. She wanted to know how he really felt too.

  Sheila wiped her eye. “You took Melinda’s hand, gazed into her eyes and said, ‘If I ever were going to get married, I’d want to marry a woman exactly like Melinda.’”

  “I did?”

  “You did?” Melinda asked Matthew.

  “I don’t know,” he said softly. “I don’t remember.”

  “At this point,” Derrik continued, “Melinda started blubbering uncontrollably about Tamara getting married before she did.” He laughed gently. “There was nothing else we could do, Matthew. The only way we could convince Melinda to stop crying over her sister’s wedding was to give her a wedding of her own so she could be married first.”

  “That’s right,” Sheila said.

  Matthew and Melinda started to laugh.

  “You are a prankster indeed, Sheila,” Melinda said, grinning. “While I certainly don’t approve of your plying me with alcohol, I do understand your reason for doing so. You were only trying to get me out of a bad mood.”

  “Of course, dear,” she said, her eyes showing a guile which seemed to contradict her words. “I was only trying to help.”

  Matthew leaned forward. “I’m convinced your explanation as to why you gave Melinda too much to drink might make sense, but why did you keep refilling my glass?”

  Sheila shifted uncomfortably in her chair. “It didn’t seem fair to give only Melinda a little extra wine. Why shouldn’t the both of you cheer up?”

  “But I wasn’t sad.”

  “Weren’t you, really? I thought you were. You acted terribly empathetic towards Melinda. You seemed almost as sad as she was.”

  “Never mind the whys and wherefores now,” Derrik said. “Let me finish my explanation so I can clear up everything, and we can all have a good laugh over this whole situation.”

  “I’m for that,” Matthew said.

  “I could use a good laugh too,” Melinda said.

  Derrik folded his hands and laid them on the table. “Once the two of you agreed to marry each other so Melinda could be wedded ahead of her sister, Mom got out the video camera and I got out my marriage licenses and my prayer book. I married the two of you in an authentic ceremony, we filled out the certificate and that was that.” Derrik got up and went to the desk on the other side of the kitchen. “Here is the certificate you both signed and Mother witnessed.” He handed it to Melinda. “Maybe you’d like to keep it as a souvenir,” he said jokingly.

  She took it and looked it over. She’d never seen a more official looking document in her life. “It looks so real,” she said as she looked up at Derrik and handed the license to Matthew.

  “It is real, but it isn’t legal,” Derrik said reassuringly. “In order for it to be legal, it has to be filed at the county hall of records.”

  A pang of disappointment filled Melinda’s tummy. She’d known Matthew and his family for less than twenty-four hours, but she felt in so many ways that she belonged with them--that she and Matthew were meant to be together.

  All right, she understood such feelings were stupid, but she couldn’t help how she felt.

  “You’re sure this isn’t legal?” Matthew asked. “Because it looks awful damn legal to me.”

  “I’m telling you, it would only be legal if it were filed at the hall of records. And I have no intention of filing it,” Derrik said emphatically.

  Melinda let out a deep breath, half out of relief and half out of disappointment.

  “Mother,” Matthew said firmly, “don’t ever do anything like this again. No more wine for any of us unless we ask for it.”

  Melinda felt a need to scold Sheila as well. “No wine and no putting unconscious people in bed together.”

  “Oh, I didn’t put the two of you in bed together. Once the wedding was over, Matthew couldn’t wait to take you into his arms. He whisked you off to the guest room, and I don’t know what happened after that.”

  “Nothing happened,” Matthew and Melinda said together.

  “As I said before,” Sheila said, “maybe next time something will happen.”

  “Mother!”

  “The wine…” Melinda said, deliberately changing the subject. “With a minister in the house…you’d think…”

  “What?” Derrik asked. “That drinking wine would be frowned upon?”

  Melinda bit her lip and shrugged. “Some ministers think it is a sin to drink alcohol.”

  Derrik chuckled. “But such a notion is ridiculous for a Christian minister. Jesus drank wine. He changed water into wine at the wedding feast in Cana. Jesus was incapable of sinning, so if He consumed wine, how could drinking wine be a sin?”

  Melinda shook her head. “I’ve never thought it was a sin to drink.”

  “Drinking isn’t a sin, but,” Derrik said, raising a finger, “drinking too much can lead a person into a weakened state in which he or she might be tempted to
commit a sin or to do something foolish like--”

  “Marrying someone you don’t know,” Melinda said, chuckling.

  Matthew and Derrik joined her laughter, but Sheila did not.

  “Come on, Mother,” Matthew chided, “you can enjoy your little joke. We’re all laughing now that we know this whole marriage was some colossal prank.”

  A smug look covered Sheila’s face. “I’m afraid it’s no joke, son. You and Melinda are married.”

  “Mother, the ruse is over,” Derrik said. “I saved the certificate so they could see it, but now I am going to tear it up, just as I told you I would last night.”

  Sheila pushed away from the table and stood. “It’s too late, Derrik. I’ve wanted Matthew married for years, and now I’ve finally got what I wanted. And I couldn’t ask for a more delightful daughter-in-law than Melinda.” She ran her fingers through her silvery curls and smiled. “I faxed a copy of that license to the county hall of records early this morning. It’s on file, and they are legally married.”

  ***

  “I’ll take care of this, Melinda.” The sincerity of Matthew’s tone did nothing to quell the storm beneath her sternum. Her gut was raging with conflict. Part of it was sick over the sudden change in her marital status and part of it was euphoric over the sudden change in her marital status. Thanks to Sheila, Tamara would now not beat her to the altar.

  No…no. It wasn’t victory over a sibling rivalry which filled her heart with a joy she didn’t truly own. She was happy with the prospect of marriage to Matthew because she found him utterly attractive.

  Yet, she really didn’t know him. First impressions were certainly not something a woman could count on when choosing a husband.

  “What can we do?” she asked, trying to set her mind squarely on the genuine problem she faced in straightening out Sheila’s mistake--even if part of her didn’t want to fix it. “I suppose we could get an annulment. That would probably be the most sensible thing to do.”

  “I suppose,” he said as he stared out the living room window

  They were alone in the Pottaski parlor. She touched his arm, and he looked at her. “I’m sorry for making such a mess of your life. If I hadn’t lodged my car in a snowdrift by your driveway--”