When their conversation waned, Gertie looked thoughtful. “About the other day and the conversations I had with your husband before that”—she drew a shaky breath—“I didn’t mean anything…inappropriate.” She sighed and looked at the mug in her hands. “I just…It seems no one really understands the grief I’m dealing with. It feels suffocating at times. Joel and I never talked about anything very important or deep, but it brought me some comfort to talk with him. I wasn’t looking at him as a man but as a survivor of something I’m trying to survive.”
Rose believed her. She now understood that the widow wouldn’t have crossed those lines with a married man if she hadn’t been through such a loss. Gertie’s eyes finally met hers.
Rose placed her hand on the woman’s shoulder. “I do understand. Really. Though I never knew Florence, I saw the depth of sadness that her absence created in Joel, the children, and the whole community. You’re not as alone as it feels.”
Gertie’s eyes misted. “Denki.”
“I think we should get to know each other a little better.”
Gertie blinked. “I’d like that.” She seemed a little bolstered. “Would you and yours like to join the other carolers? We have room in the wagon sleigh, and we’re visiting at least two more homes tonight.”
Rose had a dozen things she needed to do, including wrapping presents for the children and cleaning up the kitchen from the carolers’ snacking. Christmas Eve was in a few days, and after spending all day with Elise yesterday, she was dreadfully behind.
But nothing was as important as making memories with Joel and the children. What better way to do it than riding in a sleigh with friends and family and singing carols about Christ’s birth?
“I love the idea.” She scanned the room, looking for Joel. When she spotted him, he was watching her, and their eyes locked. She pointed to the carolers, then to him and herself, and then used her fingers to make a walking motion and pointed out the door.
He laughed and made monkey motions with his hands, as if he’d understood nothing she’d tried to convey. He walked over to her.
“I was asking if we could join the carolers.”
“I know. I was just messing with you.” He put his hand around hers. “Ya, sure we can go. You name it, and it’s yours until Christmas is over.”
“I get a repeat next Christmas, right?”
A flicker of anxiety reflected in his eyes, but he smiled. “If you say so, Rose.”
Waning sunlight spilled across the snowy hill. Joel paused, soaking in the moment. The hillside and surrounding pastureland had footprints and sled tracks that he and his family had made over the last three hours. His children’s laughter echoed inside him as they waved and began the walk to the house.
“Ya,” Rose whispered, half out of breath as she dragged an empty sled to the top of the hill. “It’s pretty great.”
He hadn’t said anything, but she’d pegged his sentiments exactly.
She put the sled beside him. “My turn.”
He laughed. The children had said those same words over and over again, asking him to ride with one of them. “Kumm.” He straddled the sled and sat, just as he’d done dozens of times today. In a couple of days it would be Christmas Eve, and it would be a perfect one if he could free his mind of the burdensome secret.
Rose sat in front of him and snuggled against him. She leaned her head against his chest. “Listen, buddy. Go fast, and don’t tip us over.” Her breaths were frosty, and her cheeks matched her name.
“I was thinking more in line of shoving you off midway down as I zoom onward.”
“Do it. I dare you.”
“Nee, you would scream like a four-year-old, and the children would be mad at me,” Joel teased as he put his legs around hers.
Rose tilted her head, pulled the knit scarf from her neck, and tapped her skin. Her boldness to let him know what she wanted made his heart thud. He leaned in and kissed her neck, nuzzling against the warmth and breathing in his wife. Did she have any idea how much he treasured who they were as a couple? Their friendship was even stronger than the unity of their parenting and family partnership. But he longed for more, for the next step with his wife of four years.
“Denki.” She nodded her approval and replaced her scarf. “Now, let’s go.”
He lunged forward, giving the sled its needed start. They swooshed down the hill with Rose leaning against him, laughing as they went faster. And then the sled hit something under the snow and flew into the air. Joel held her tight, using all his strength to cling to her and to keep them on the sled. They landed with a thud and fell off the sled. The shock of the hard earth rattled Joel, and he said a quick prayer for Rose.
Sprawled on the ground facing skyward, Joel blinked and jerked air into his lungs. “You okay?”
“Afraid to get close enough to see for yourself?”
He smiled at her spunk, rolled over, and belly-crawled, closing the few inches between them. He propped himself up on his elbows and grinned as he leaned over her.
“Do over.” She grabbed him by the coat collar. “That was not what I requested.”
“Ride’s over, lady.” He kissed her cheek. “Deal with it.”
She pulled him closer. “I will for a lip kiss.”
“Hmm.” Joel mocked as if he was considering it. She tugged on his coat until his lips were on hers, and he felt as if he were in a winter wonderland, a Christmastime dream he didn’t want to wake from. He wanted her. To love and to cherish. To be lovers and best friends until the very end.
“That’s it for you.” She shoved him away. “We have children nearby. What are you thinking?” she teased.
He helped her up, and they crossed the field, watching the three little ones talk and laugh as they made their way toward home.
“Joel.”
“Hmm?”
“I talked to Elise a while back, and I…I know how to avoid coming up pregnant in a natural way that the church won’t object to. For the sake of family planning, I mean.”
He stopped cold.
She shrugged. “If that’s what’s bothering you, and clearly something is. And when we do conceive, Elise said she or her husband would be willing to be on call to take us to the hospital as soon as I go into labor.”
He couldn’t find any words. When they began their new husband-and-wife life, it would be best to add to their family as soon as possible. That would be the quickest way to stop the church’s interest in their marriage. But far more important than that, he wanted a child with Rose and to share that kind of happiness with her. The joy of having a baby, their baby, would mean far more to her than she probably knew right now.
She inched forward, looking up at him. “I just thought you might be worried about that.”
He had considered it. It was natural to worry about childbirth and home births after what had happened to Florence.
“Can you say something?” she asked.
“Nope, I’ve been rendered speechless.”
“Is the idea of having a baby what’s bothering you?”
“Nee, Rose. Having a baby or not having a baby—that’s something for us to dream about and pray over. It’s just…”
Her eyes narrowed. She was fully aware he was holding something back. “Okay,” she sang the word and started walking again. “Look. Grace must be too tired to walk.”
The boys were helping Grace get on a sled.
“Those are some very cute and sweet kiddos,” she said.
“They are. No doubt.” Did Rose know how good a Mamm she was? He watched as his sons worked together to pull Grace. “If getting them to sleep early isn’t easy tonight, after staying out late last night caroling and all our activities today, I’m going to put a stop to Christmas.”
“Uh-huh. This from the man who starts looking forward to Christmas the first day of November.”
“That’s not true. I start much sooner. I just keep it to myself until it’s officially November.”
With t
he carpentry on the bedroom finished, due to the extra workers, he needed to catch up on everything else for Christmas morning. He needed to finish the children’s barn and barnyard pieces, and he had yet to wrap the gifts he’d bought Rose—books for winter reading, a set of mugs with each of their names, and girly things like fancy lotion and soap from a shop that Elise had said Rose loved. He’d ordered the girly stuff online while in his office at the Hinton shop. If there was time tomorrow, he’d like to take Rose shopping for furniture for the bedroom. Was he trying to soften the blow of the annulment news he must eventually share with her? He didn’t think so, but he honestly wasn’t sure.
“They’ll be asleep by six,” Rose said. “I’m certain.”
“Good thing.”
“You’re that far behind?”
“Ya.”
She turned, walking backward. “You should’ve finished the bedroom weeks ago, and then you wouldn’t have needed so much time on it this week.”
“You’re a troublemaker.”
She nodded in agreement. “I am.”
He pointed at the ground around her feet. “When you fall—”
“When I what?” She cupped a hand behind one ear.
“Sorry. When there’s another ‘gravity check,’ I’ll laugh, and then I’m going to shovel snow on top of you.”
“You have a strange way of showing love.”
“That’s what my Mamm used to say.” Joel smiled.
“She used to say it? What does she say now?”
“I’m so glad you have a home of your own.”
Rose laughed and then hurried toward the porch. “Last one home gets to bring in firewood for the night.”
He picked up his pace. “Brr. We’re going to need a lot of wood on such a cold night.”
When he reached her, she turned and pushed him back. “No way. Get.”
With a few long steps, he caught her on the porch and tried to step around her, but she elbowed him back and tried to get into the house. He put his arm around her waist and hauled her toward the stacked firewood.
She kicked her feet and flailed her arms. “I’ll get you for this, Joel Dienner.”
“Looks to me as if you’re getting wood, lots of it.” They both laughed, making white puffs of their breath appear in the dusky air.
A rig pulled onto the driveway, bringing the horseplay to a stop. Joel’s Daed got out of the rig and headed toward the front door of the house.
“Daed,” Joel called. “Over here.” He took Rose’s hand, making sure she didn’t slip as they made their way back to the snow-packed path.
“Oh.” Daed glanced at Rose and tried unsuccessfully to shove a fat envelope into his coat pocket. “Hallo.”
Joel suspected the envelope contained something about the annulment since Daed was trying to keep it out of Rose’s sight.
“Hi.” She nodded with a smile, but her eyes moved to the envelope before she gestured toward the house. “I have a stew ready, just needs heating up. Care to join us?”
“Nee. Denki.” Daed fumbled with the envelope, still trying to get it into his pocket. It caught on the flap of his coat pocket, slipped from his fingers, and fell to the ground. When the wind grabbed it and tossed it like a tumbleweed, he gasped. “It’s information for you, Joel. Don’t let it get away.”
Rose quickly caught up to it, grabbed it, and handed it to Joel, her eyes reflecting questions she wouldn’t ask, at least not until his Daed was gone.
“Denki.” His Daed was as bumfuzzled as Joel had ever seen him. What was in the envelope? Surely not the church leaders’ decision. They had said it’d be weeks. “I need a minute with Joel, please.”
“Okay.” Rose’s eyes probed him as she passed, and he knew, Christmastime or not, avoiding this conversation had come to an end.
“Sorry,” his Daed breathed. “Could I be more obvious or make this any harder on you?”
“It’s okay, Daed. Don’t worry about it.” What else could Joel say? His Daed meant no harm.
“I copied some information on annulments at the library when your Mamm and I were in Beckley yesterday. I thought it would be helpful to have more details on the rules of the county and the state.” He passed the envelope to Joel. “I’m just trying to be helpful, Joel. I want you and Rose to be prepared when the leaders pass down their opinion about the way forward for you two.”
As Joel took it, he looked toward the house and saw Rose watching him before she slipped inside and closed the door.
While the children washed up, Rose needed to begin reheating the meaty stew she had cooked earlier in the pot on the wood stove. Instead she waited at the counter, where she could keep an eye on the back door. What would cause such secrecy, such panic in her father-in-law when he dropped the envelope? Her heart thudded mercilessly against her chest.
Joel entered the house, his head ducked as he walked toward the kitchen. He handed her some wood for the stove, then laid the envelope on the counter. “We’ll talk when the children are asleep.”
She knew her place, and it wasn’t to question or argue when the head of the home gave a decree. Getting the fire to burn hotter to reheat the stew came first. To hurry up the process of heating dinner, maybe she should pour the stew into a different pot and set it on an eye of the gas stove. But neither way seemed fast enough. Joel moved to a cabinet and pulled out bowls.
She envisioned herself watching the beef stew warm, ladling it out, and the children prattling excitedly throughout dinner. She even imagined going through the nightly routine of getting them in bed—helping them change into pajamas and brush their teeth before they snuggled on the couch and read delicious passages of fiction before finally saying their prayers and climbing into bed.
Strangely disobedient, her will felt like a feral animal, free from all control. It wouldn’t cooperate with what she knew needed to happen and in what order, so she remained in place, staring at the envelope. “No.”
The bowls in Joel’s hand clanked, and she realized he’d almost dropped them.
She picked up the envelope. “Is this connected to whatever is distracting you?”
“I haven’t been…” He dropped the sentence and paused before he moved his head as if he was both nodding and shaking it. “Ya.”
“Joel, I’d like to know what’s in it.”
The children sounded like a team of sled dogs coming down the stairs, yelping and scuffling playfully. She needed to tend to them, just as she had done for four years without fail, no matter what was going on. And it was life, so there was always a measure of difficult things going on.
“What’s for dinner?” Mose asked, sniffing the air. “Smells great.”
Their little voices rose, asking, talking, demanding. It was enough to drown out all possibility of adult conversation.
The stew was only lukewarm, and Joel grabbed a paper grocery bag out of the drawer and went to the refrigerator. He put grapes, oranges, and their reusable water bottles into the bag. He stopped by the pantry and tossed a package of Goldfish crackers into it. “Mose, take your brother and sister upstairs to my room. Eat what’s in here. Do not come down until I say you can.”
Joel’s room was the farthest one down the hall, so apparently he was trying to ensure they wouldn’t overhear.
Mose peered into the bag. “What about dessert?”
Joel grabbed the plate of homemade gingerbread men off the counter and shoved it into the bag. He put his hand on Levi’s shoulder and pointed him toward the steps. “You too. All three, upstairs.”
Grace peered up at him, looking concerned.
He smiled. “Go on, baby girl. It’s an indoor picnic on my sectional.”
Her worry turned into excitement, and she ran up the steps behind her brothers.
The room grew quiet, and Joel pulled out a chair for her.
She shook her head. “I’m not sure I can sit. What’s the bad news?”
“It’s not bad news.”
“Your body language says ot
herwise.”
He nodded. “It’s only bad news—bad news for me—if you think it’s the best thing to ever happen to a married Amish couple.”
Rose’s confusion expanded. His words made no sense. “What are you talking about?”
As Joel explained, she tried to wrap her mind around the word annulment. She should’ve sat down when he suggested it, but she locked her knees, determined to stay in place. Despite his flowery words and gentle tone, she saw the truth he was dancing around. Joel had found a way to get out of being married to her.
“Rose, honey?” He tried to slip his hands into hers. “I’ve been very concerned how this might sound, so much so that I didn’t want to talk about it until after Christmas. I need you to hear me. What the church leaders back in Pennsylvania are doing doesn’t mean anything. We love you. Me, the children, and this community. We were broken, and God sent an angel to Forest Hill.”
An angel. Ya, right. “An angel you needed four years ago, and now that the children are older, this angel just isn’t needed anymore, right? Especially since there’s a new and attractive widow in Forest Hill.”
He groaned, clearly frustrated. “Rose, could you just try to hear what I’m saying?”
She heard plenty. He just seemed to think she was deaf to what he wasn’t saying. She pulled away, and the only thing she could think was that she finally understood what it felt like to have someone in your life one minute and then gone the next. “Now what?”
He held out the envelope. “Daed gathered information on annulments at the library in Beckley. He copied some of the documents so we’d be fully informed when the decision comes back from the leaders.”
“Very noble.” She took the envelope. “Of course, a more noble thing would have been if the two of you had talked with me about it on Tuesday. Why are you hiding information—from your wife and the one you professed to love?”
“I…Rose, the way you are responding, right now—I wanted to avoid this.”
“Avoid this? You could have just put the truth out there. ‘I appreciate all you’ve done for us, but I just found out the church might allow us to dissolve our marriage. I’m actually not in love with you after all.’ ”
The Angel of Forest Hill Page 10