Desperate Chances

by A. Meredith Walters

  I took a deep breath and pulled myself upright. No shrinking violet here, damn it.

  Maysie and I walked towards Jordan. Towards Mitch. I kept my chin up and my back straight. A spine of steel.

  Mitch watched me the entire time. It was obvious. And I totally pretended that I wasn’t watching him back. But it was hard when I could feel his gaze like I had once felt his hands. It pressed against my skin. Hard. Rough. But so, so gentle at the same time. He slowly ripped open a package of Twizzlers, his favorite, and put one in his mouth. Was he doing that on purpose? Drawing attention to his mouth. His lips. His tongue.

  Ugh!

  I was so busy trying to not stare at him that I almost stumbled. His eyes met mine and the heat of memories we could never take back branded the both of us. God I wanted him.

  Even worse…I missed him.

  Then I saw her. And he looked away.

  Sophie.

  She seemed to materialize out of nowhere and was at his side in an instant. They looked cute together. He was all dark and gorgeous and she was all sweet and perky. It made me want to gag.

  See, he’s happy. He’s so much better off. No need to beat myself up anymore.

  “I was getting ready to call out the cavalry,” Jordan teased, leaning down to kiss Maysie. She leaned up on her tiptoes and wrapped her arms around his neck. He lifted her up so that her feet were off the ground.

  She giggled when he finally put her back down on her feet. He ran his fingers down the side of her cheek and gazed at her lovingly. Like she was everything. Which for Jordan Levitt, she was.

  “You look beautiful, Mays. Like you finally caught up on sleep. Have the girls been treating you right?” he asked, smiling at me.

  I pulled my eyes away from Mitch and his girlfriend and forced a laugh. “We’ve been making sure she eats all of her veggies and takes her vitamins. No worries, Jordan.”

  Jordan chuckled and then leaned down to ruffle my hair in brotherly sort of way. “It’s good to see you, G. You’ve been away too long. We’ve missed having you around.”

  My eyes flickered to Mitch again and found him still watching me. “Oh yeah?” I asked a little breathlessly. “It seems you guys have been fine without me.” Wow, I was all but spitting snark in his direction.

  What was I doing?

  Jordan glanced from me to Mitch, his brow furrowing. “Oh, yeah, well we’ve been getting along. But you know it’s always great to have the gang all together again.”

  Sophie said something to Mitch and I watched as he leaned down to hear her. It was annoying the way she twirled her hair around her finger. Who the hell twirls their hair after the age of twelve?

  And I hated her shirt. It looked like something my mother would pick out. It was all eyelet lace and pearled buttons. What in the world does Mitch see in her?

  I realized I was staring. Mitch knew I was staring.

  So of course he purposefully gave his girlfriend his attention, his body angled towards me but his head bent low so that his face was close to Sophie’s. He pushed the hair back off her forehead. His eyes were on her face and he gave her soft smile that I recognized only too well.

  A smile that I had thought, at one time, was only for me.

  Get over it, Gracie! It’s been a year! What did you think would happen? That he’d pine over you forever? Get a grip!

  I started to turn away when Mitch looked back towards me, his eyes locking on mine.

  I forgot how to breathe.

  My heart thudded almost painfully in my chest.

  My mouth went dry and my hands began to tremble. A need that I had almost forgotten about thrummed through my body. My belly tightened and my nipples hardened. The air hummed and sizzled. I was altered completely. Just by a look.

  How had I never felt this electricity between us before? The answer was obvious.

  I had been totally blind. I hadn’t wanted to see it. Because if I had acknowledged it, everything would have changed. And at that time I couldn’t handle that. The truth was I had been absolutely terrified.

  Maysie squeezed my arm but I barely felt it. Jordan was still talking but I didn’t hear him.

  All I could see was Mitch.

  All Mitch could see was me.

  We were locked in a stand off, neither of us moving.

  All too soon he broke our intense staring contest. He bent down and kissed his girlfriend almost angrily. It was a harsh press of lips that seemed to take Sophie by surprise. She wrapped her arms around Mitch and held him tenderly even as he ground his mouth against hers.

  I looked away. I could barely breathe around the lump sitting painfully in the middle of my chest. A pain that I knew to be jealousy.

  And regret.

  And the horrible realization that I had brought all of this on myself. Because I had been living in a complete delusion where I had convinced myself that I didn’t love Mitch Abrams.

  A delusion that shattered the moment he had finally walked away from me. The moment that he started to love someone else.

  “I’ve got to—I have to—” I couldn’t even finish my sentence. I just needed to get off that stage and far away from Mitch and his super adorable girlfriend.

  I all but ran out the side door, letting it slam shut behind me.

  “It’s fine. I want him to be happy. This is good. I hurt him so of course he’s moved on,” I whispered to myself.

  Lies. All lies.

  “What’s wrong, Gracie?”

  I looked up to find Riley, Garrett, Vivian, and Cole approaching.

  I furiously wiped at my face and realized I had been crying. I hadn’t even felt the tears. I probably looked a mess. My fingers were black from my mascara. I probably looked like some sort of zombie freak.

  “Nothing. I’m fine. It’s just a little stuffy in there. The smell of stale beer and armpits was making me a little woozy.” I gave them a wane smile hoping they wouldn’t press me.

  “You’ve got to learn to appreciate the aroma, G,” Cole joked, wrapping his arm around my neck and giving me a squeeze. I patted his toned stomach and pulled away.

  “If you say so,” I joked.

  Vivian discreetly handed me a tissue. “You look like a raccoon,” she whispered.

  “Thanks,” I replied blandly, though I quickly turned and rubbed at the skin beneath my eyes.

  “We’re thinking of going to the steak house off the highway. Their rolls are fucking awesome. You hungry?” Cole asked me.

  I balled up the tissue in my hand and nodded my head. “Sure. Let me just hit the bathroom before we head out. Where is it?”

  Garrett opened the door I had just exited from and held it open so everyone could file inside. “It’s behind the stage area,” he answered. Just as I was getting ready to walk past him he grabbed a hold of my arm and stopped me. “You okay?” I looked at my friend and gave him a genuine smile.

  “I’m fine, Garrett. Stop worrying about me all the time.” He pulled me into a hug and I let myself sink into him. Garrett was a physically demonstrative guy and I had always appreciated that about him. Sometimes you just needed a hug when you’re feeling like shit.

  “I’ll always worry about you, Gracie. You’re my G,” he said softly as I pulled back.

  “You’re my G,” I repeated.

  He squeezed my arm as I walked off to find the bathroom and wash up. So much for trying to look pretty. My makeup was most likely smeared all over my face.

  I tried to be as quick as possible, making sure not to look towards the stage as I rushed past. I kept my head down, eyes trained to the floor. And of course I smacked right into a very warm, very solid body. I threw my hands out to brace myself and connected with a soft, cotton shirt and rock hard abs. Rock hard abs that I remembered touching. Kissing. Licking…

  “Where’s the fire?” he asked, voice tight, as though he didn’t want to be talking to me but figured he had to.

  With my cheeks flaming hot I looked up into Mitch’s brown eyes and lost myself.<
br />
  All over again.

  “I—uh—I—uh,” I stuttered. God, I couldn’t even speak.

  Mitch frowned. “Are you okay? You look a little green around the gills.”

  I realized my hands were still pressed against his chest. I should probably move. I didn’t want to be accused of copping a feel.

  I dropped my hands and backed away, tripping over my feet and stumbling.

  Mitch peered at me closely. “What’s wrong with you, Gracie?” He sounded suspicious.

  Wait.

  Did he think I was drunk?

  “I’m fine,” I spat out. “I haven’t been drinking if that’s what you’re asking.”

  “No, I wasn’t asking that—”

  “Whatever,” I cut him off and made to move around him. “I was just looking for the bathroom.”

  “Gracie,” Mitch said softly, but I felt it in my bones. My name sounded strained on his lips. As though it had been wrenched from him.

  I stopped, but I couldn’t look at him again. I didn’t want to see the disinterest. Coming to the show was turning out to be a very bad idea.

  We were alone in the darkened hallway. It was the first time we had been alone since…

  “I just need to find the bathroom,” I said. Why did my voice sound so agonized?

  Mitch sighed. “Why did you text me?” he asked.

  I wasn’t prepared for him to just throw that out there. No warm up. No, hey, how’s it going? Couldn’t we talk about the weather first? Maybe rousing chitchat about the upcoming Super Bowl.

  Compelled, I lifted my head. I shouldn’t look at him.

  It was a very bad idea.

  But I couldn’t help it.

  I was relieved that there wasn’t an ounce of disinterest. But there was a lot of anger.

  And sadness.

  And confusion.

  I understood each and every one of those emotions. Because I felt all of them too.

  “Why Gracie? You made it clear you wanted nothing to do with me. It’s been over a year! Why did you text me, damn it?”

  I wanted to touch him. To reach out and smooth the edges of his mouth. But I wasn’t allowed to.

  The woman who had that right was only a few yards away. Waiting for him.

  “You’ve ruined everything, Gracie. Because that’s what you do! You break things apart and don’t care about the consequences. Well, you’ve broken us. And there’s no coming back from that. I won’t be around to pick up your pieces anymore. And you will have to live with throwing away the best thing you could have ever had.”

  I shook my head, trying to clear the horrible memory from my mind.

  He was better off.

  Because he was right. I had ruined us.

  It didn’t matter that I now realized how much I loved him.

  He loved someone else.

  Our story was over.

  So I shrugged.

  “I was bored. Sorry. I should have thought that one through,” I said flippantly. How was I able to speak without choking?

  Mitch’s face hardened. “You were bored?”

  I giggled. “You know how it goes. Maybe I should have given myself a pedicure instead.”

  I wanted to cringe. I sounded so much like the old Gracie. The vacuous sorority girl whose only thoughts had to do with hairstyles and wardrobe choices.

  “Don’t do that, Gracie. Just don’t,” he whispered.

  I closed my eyes, truth bleeding out of me before I could stop it. “I have to.”

  Mitch’s expression softened momentarily and I knew that he saw through me. He knew exactly what I was trying to do.

  Pretending that I didn’t care.

  He lifted his hand and reached out as though he wanted to touch me. As if he couldn’t help himself.

  And I would have let him.

  My god, I would have let him do anything.

  But then his eyes frosted over and he lost any semblance of warmth. His hands balled into fists and he turned his back on me and started to walk away.

  I dropped my head and wanted to crumble.

  What’s happened to us?

  “You’ll never stop, will you?”

  His voice surprised me. I thought he was gone. But I glanced up to find that he had stopped just before reaching the stage. He hadn’t turned around, but his face was in profile as if he was debating whether or not he should look at me.

  “What?” I asked, not understanding.

  Mitch hesitated. He took another step away from me and I thought he was planning to ignore my question.

  But then he stopped. And as his words drifted back towards me I wished like hell he had walked away without saying anything.

  “Messing with my heart.” He took a deep breath and I held mine, afraid to make a noise. Wishing I could crawl away and hide forever.

  He turned just a fraction and his sad, sad eyes met mine. “Just when I think it’s finally started to heal, you stomp on it all over again. And I keep letting you.” He sounded so sad. So tired.

  I hated myself for making him feel that way.

  Then he was gone and I was left emptier than I had ever been before.

  I shouldn’t be here.

  I really, really shouldn’t be here.

  My head was pounding and I wanted a drink. It would be so easy too seeing that we were in a bar and all.

  I could just go up to the cute bartender and flirt a little. Smile and show him some cleavage. Then I could order a gin and tonic, my favorite. Maybe ask him to put an extra lime in it. I could be finished with it before anyone realized I was gone.

  “Earth to G, where’d you go?” A hand waved in front of my face and I clamped down my mind on all thoughts having to do with drinking binges.

  I gave Vivian a smile. “Sorry. My mind just wandered a bit.”

  She wrapped her arm around my waist and bumping my hip with hers. “How can you think about anything else when they’re up there? I mean, look at him,” she breathed dreamily, staring up at her boyfriend who was currently dry humping the mic stand.

  I chuckled. “Yeah, he’s a sight to behold.”

  “I just wish more people were here to see them,” Maysie said sadly, coming up beside me.

  I looked around at the half-empty room and it made my heart hurt. Because Maysie was right, Generation Rejects were an amazing band and the room should be full of fans.

  The room may be only half-full but at least the people who were listening seemed to be enjoying themselves.

  “Well, that just means more room for us to do our thang,” I yelled over the music, grabbing Vivian and Maysie’s hands and pulling them towards the stage. “Come on, Ri, show your man that you’re having a good time!”

  The four of us stood in a group just in front of the stage shaking our asses with everything we had. Riley bobbed on the balls of her feet, pumping her arms above her head. Viv and I moved our bodies together and I noticed how Cole watched her the entire time. She grinned up at him and pulled down her dress just enough to give him an eyeful of what he’d be getting later.

  Cole dropped to his knees on the stage and crawled to the edge. Women around us started to squeal and shriek and Vivian glared at each and every one of them.

  “I swear to God if they touch him, I will cut a bitch,” she growled.

  I shook my head. “I don’t think he’s bothered about anyone else, Viv. Chill out.”

  And it was true. Cole’s eyes were fastened on his girlfriend, sweat dripping from his face. He leaned down and cupped his hand around the back of her head, pulling her forward.

  During a break in the music he planted his lips on Viv’s and kissed her like they were all alone. Or in public. They kissed the same either way.

  “Get a room!” Riley yelled once they had parted and Cole was back on his feet, singing to the crowd.

  Vivian made a show of licking her lips and casted some serious stink eye in the groupies’ direction.

  “Hey, there’s Sophie, maybe we should
go over and say hello,” Maysie said, indicating the petite woman standing just to the right of the stage.

  “She could always come over here, you know,” Vivian pointed out.

  “Yeah, but maybe we should make more of an effort to include her. It’s got to be hard hanging out with a group of people that have already been friends for years,” Maysie pointed out.

  “It’s not like she tries to get to know anyone, though, Mays. Garrett says she’s glued to Mitch’s side and that’s it. No one really knows much about her, even after all this time,” Riley added.

  Maysie scowled at the three of us. “Show some compassion, guys. If you don’t want to do it for Sophie, do it for Mitch, our friend. She’s his girlfriend after all.”

  Damn. That hurt.

  Vivian glanced at me and I tried to smile. I failed miserably.

  “Okay. Yeah, let’s go talk to her,” I piped up. Talking to Sophie was the last thing I wanted to do. I’d rather walk over broken glass barefoot. Or swallow a mouthful of wasps. Or shave my legs with a dull razor.

  But it seemed I was a glutton for punishment.

  And Maysie was right. She was Mitch’s girlfriend. And if he was happy, I was happy.

  I just had to keep reminding myself of that.

  Vivian’s eyes widened in surprise at my suggestion and I quickly walked towards Sophie before my roommate could make any comments.

  “Hey Sophie,” I said once I reached her.

  Sophie looked my way with a smile on her face. When she realized it was me, the smile froze in place and then slowly disappeared. Huh. Interesting.

  “Hi, Gracie,” she said after a few minutes.

  “Hey, Sophie! Great show, right?” Maysie asked, joining me a few seconds later. Riley and Vivian soon followed.

  Sophie tucked her hands into the pockets of her jeans. “Yeah, it’s not bad.”

  Vivian frowned. “Not bad? They’re amazing!”

  Sophie shrugged. “If this is your type of thing, sure.”

  Riley and I shared a look. What was this girl’s deal?

  “Yeah, I wasn’t a big fan of their music when I first met them, but it definitely grows on you,” Riley remarked, being uncharacteristically nice.

  Sophie gave her a tight smile but didn’t respond as she once again turned her attention to the stage.