“You shouldn’t have had to find out that way.”
She wasn’t so sure she wanted to know. Though knowing why Nate would never make good on his promise to help her move to L.A. would be nice, when the time came. Though now it never would, because she knew better.
Nate couldn’t love her, because he was already with someone else.
Ellie.
What about her?
Cara had thought they were friends. Was it all a joke at her expense?
“I needed to know,” Cara whispered.
It was the proverbial Band-Aid being ripped off all at once.
She’d get through this pain. Eventually. Possibly the hardest thing to accept was that...her mother was right. Cara was stupid for thinking coming to California would make things better. Life didn’t have happily ever afters, only more chapters.
The doorbell broke into Cara’s thoughts.
She glanced at Bryan.
It could be Nate.
She wasn’t ready to see Nate.
The front door swung open.
Ellie stood there, backlit by the afternoon sunlight.
Cara gaped at the woman she’d called a friend. The invisible knife in her heart twisted, driving home the fact that this, everything she’d thought she knew, was a lie.
“What the hell did you do, Bryan?” Ellie slammed the door shut and stalked across the apartment.
“What are you doing here?” Bryan stared at Ellie.
Cara wanted to cry and scream all at once.
Life wasn’t fair.
Her mother was right.
And Cara was stupid for thinking that for once, everything might turn out all right.
“You shouldn’t be here, Ellie,” Bryan said.
“The hell I shouldn’t. Where the fuck do you get off sticking your God damned nose into other people’s business, Bryan?” Ellie angry was rather magnificent. She was out of a movie, the way her eyes flashed, fists clenched. “You know what I can’t stand about you? It’s that stick up your ass. You’re so fucking arrogant, you can’t imagine the rest of us would live any other way except by what you think is right. Well, you know what? Fuck you, Bryan. Fuck you. I hope you get a camel hump on your nose. What you did to Cara, to Nate, to me, that’s not what a friend does. You did that because you’re a jealous asshole who didn’t get what he wanted, so now you have to go and piss on other people’s happiness. I hope you’re happy now.”
Cara gaped, glancing from Bryan to Ellie and back.
What the hell was going on?
Ellie turned toward Cara and her face fell. Ellie sank to her knees in front of Cara, her mouth working soundlessly.
Cara had the strangest urge to hug Ellie, but this was the woman laughing at Cara behind her back.
“Cara, I’m so sorry,” Ellie finally said. “Please, don’t blame Nate? Blame me.”
“For...what?” Cara was lost, with no sense of direction for where any of this was going.
“It’s not your fault Nate took advantage of you, Ellie,” Bryan said.
“You shut your God damn pie hole, Bryan, or I swear I will beat your nose until Voldermort looks pretty compared to you.” Ellie slashed her finger at Bryan, every bit of her fierceness back. “You know what? How about you leave and give us a moment?”
“This is my apartment.” Bryan threw up his hands.
“And you started this shit, so fuck off.”
Bryan grumbled and shoved to his feet. He gave Ellie a large berth, circling around her to head back to one of the bedrooms.
Ellie pushed up and perched on the sofa next to Cara.
“I’m sorry, Cara,” Ellie whispered.
“I don’t even know what’s going on.” Cara swiped at her eyes. They were leaking again, darn things.
“Nate said Bryan told you.”
“Bryan told me about a lot of stuff.” Cara glanced away. Why would Nate want to be with her when he could be with Ellie? It made no sense.
“Cara, Nate loves you very, very much.”
“Then why would he lie to me? Why would you lie to me?”
“I...don’t know. I mean, I can guess.”
“Tell me.”
“I...I’ve spent the last year hearing stories about you, I just... I wanted to get to know you. It was selfish and I should have kept my distance but... Seeing you and Nate together, it’s obvious he’s crazy about you. I’ve never had that, you know? I guess... The truth is, I’m happy for you, and I’m jealous of you, and I want to fucking be you. Nate and I were never anything but friends. Never.”
Cara stared at Ellie.
Was she hearing the woman right?
Ellie of the impossibly beautiful everything, wanted to be Cara?
“I’m a complete disaster. You do not want to be me,” Cara blurted
“You don’t know that.” Ellie chuckled and pulled her legs up onto the sofa. “I’d bet I’m the bigger wreck. Besides, one of my favorite people in the whole world is in love with you. Crazy, madly, deeply in love with you. I feel like a little jealousy is natural.”
“So...you two were dating up until I came here?” Cara was still trying to wrap her head around everything and failing.
“God, no.” Ellie shook her head. “I would never call what we did dating. Nate and I have always been friends. I’m...I pretty much have no heart. But...”
“Nate told me he’d had friends with benefits.”
“That’s a good phrase for what we were. Key word, were. We stopped well before Christmas. It’s been, fuck, almost two months. From what I understand, the night he talked to you and you two decided that you were coming here, we stopped seeing each other. Like that. We pretty much didn’t talk at all for a few weeks.”
“Oh.”
“He is completely and entirely in love with you.”
Cara nodded. It didn’t feel that way though.
She wasn’t even sure she recognized him, after what happened in the parking lot.
“Will you please consider giving him a chance to explain his side?” Ellie asked.
“I need to think about this.” Cara slumped back.
“Will you please answer Nate’s text or talk to him, to let him know you’re okay? He’s really worried.”
“Yeah. Sure.” Cara pulled her phone out of her purse and hit dial.
The line rang straight to voicemail.
She didn’t bother leaving a message. What the hell would she say? Instead, she fired off a short text, just a few words.
She’d dove into this without a second thought. But, life wasn’t a fairy tale. Just because she wanted a life with Nate, didn’t mean it was a good idea.
Once more, Cara had leapt without looking, but there was still time to think about it.
Tomorrow, she was going home, no matter what. After that, she wasn’t certain what her next move would be. Clearly moving out here on blind faith it would all work out was the wrong thing to do. But she couldn’t stay on the path she was currently on either. Something had to change.
Nate groaned.
It wasn’t a question of if, but how many trucks had hit him.
He pried one eye open.
There was way too much fucking light for this to be his place.
Nate pushed himself up. There was an awful taste in his mouth.
“Afternoon, sunshine. Here.” Josh rounded his sofa, a glass of something amber and suspicious-looking in hand.
“What’s that?”
“Hair of the dog. It’ll help.”
Nate didn’t think so, but he took it anyway.
“What the fuck did I do?” He tipped the glass up and chugged the liquid. It burned all the way down.
“That’s a good question.” Josh took the glass, then offered a bottle of water.
“What day is it?” Nate peered around. The last few hours were awfully fuzzy.
“It’s Sunday, about two o’ clock.”
“Sunday?” Nate gaped at Josh.
Cara’s flight home w
as at ten.
“I’ve got to go.” Nate pushed to his feet, only his legs gave out and he sat back on the sofa, the room beginning to spin.
“Easy, man. I don’t think you’re quire sober.” Josh perched on the coffee table, peering at Nate.
“I fucked up. I fucked up, man.” Nate scrubbed a hand over his face, bits and pieces of yesterday coming back to him.
“Yeah, you kind of did.”
“I need to talk to Cara.”
“You can’t.” Josh shook his head.
“What do you mean, I can’t?”
“Can you hear yourself? You’re barely sober enough to string a sentence together, you broke Bryan’s nose and Cara practically sprinted to the airport first thing. Ellie said she tried to get out on a flight last night but couldn’t. You need to think this through before you talk to her, man.”
“I fucked up, Josh. I fucked up.”
“You did.”
“Wait—how did Ellie know about Cara?”
“I guess they talked or something. You were trying to hurl in the fish tank, so I wasn’t exactly listening.”
“Oh, man. I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry.” Nate dropped his head into his hands.
“Drink the water, take some aspirin, then grab a shower, okay?” Josh pushed up to his feet. “I’m going to make you some pancakes. Man, I had no idea how much you could drink.”
Nate unscrewed the cap on the bottle, his mind a mess. He vaguely remembered driving around talking to Ellie, attempting to get a hold of Cara or Bryan. At some point, he’d ended up at a liquor store then Josh’s and after that it was a blur.
Not his proudest moment by far.
Cara was never going to talk to him again.
Nate finished the water and took the pain killers to soften the pounding in his skull.
Josh pointed him in the direction of the shower, even had an extra pair of sweats for Nate to borrow.
Cara would be home by now, wouldn’t she?
She had to think he was a monster. Or something. God, he’d just reacted, and not well.
He’d broken Bryan’s nose. If Cara hadn’t been there, what else might he have done? He’d been so angry in those moments.
Nate showered off the smell of bile and booze, his thoughts more scattered than they were before. He dressed in his borrowed clothing, then went in search of Josh. Nate found a note on the counter next to the food and Nate’s charging phone.
Make good choices.
-J
Nate unplugged his phone with one hand and rolled a pancake up into a burrito with the other.
He didn’t know if this was a good idea or not, be he was doing it.
He hit dial on Cara’s number and waited.
The line rang. And rang.
She was letting it go to voicemail.
He couldn’t blame her after everything that’d happened, but he still wanted to talk to her.
He’d reacted poorly. Uncharacteristic. But where she was concerned...he was a lot crazy.
“Hey.” Cara’s voice was a touch breathless.
“Hey,” Nate said around his most recent bite of food. “You made it home?”
“I did, yeah.”
“I’m sorry, Cara.” He swallowed his bite and put the food down, bracing his hand on the counter.
“Yeah,” she mumbled. No, it’s okay, or thank you, or that’s alright. He’d fucked up and they both knew it.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there to take you to the airport this morning.” Nate had missed his last opportunity to look her in the eyes and explain himself. And for what? To anger-drink himself stupid?
“Ellie took me.”
“Yeah? You two...?”
“We talked. We’re good, I guess.”
“But we aren’t?”
“I don’t know what we are, Nate. I think...I think we made a lot of rash decisions and didn’t consider the reality. We didn’t think things through, and we should have. We aren’t the same people we used to be, and we lost sight of that.”
“I didn’t—I meant everything I said, Cara.”
“You think you did.”
“I did.”
“Then why didn’t you tell me the whole truth?”
“Because I thought... I thought if I told you how fucked up I am, you’d check out.”
“But I didn’t, and you still thought it was okay to lie to me, to let me be friends with Ellie. I mean, I sort of get it, but I’m not... I don’t know. I’m not okay. Things are not all right. I’m hurt, and I need time to think about everything.”
Nate felt like he was talking to a different person. This didn’t sound like his Cara, and yet it was.
“Where does this leave us?” Nate asked.
“I don’t know.”
“Do you...are we still...?”
“I really don’t have an answer for that. Look, Mom needs me. I’ve got to go.”
Cara hung up on him without so much as a talk to you later.
This was his fault, and he wasn’t sure if he could fix it.
15.
Cara kept her eyes on the screen and not watching the clock. An hour of overtime each day wasn’t a high price to pay to smooth things over at work. At least, until she factored in her coworkers.
“What the hell are you wearing, Logan?” The guy from two cubicles over dropped two reports into her desk tray.
“Clothes.” Cara couldn’t keep him and the other two guys from the end of the row straight. They were each a year or two younger than her, brown hair and never called people by their given names. Always last names.
“That’s a little generous. It looks like you went shopping in your grandmother’s attic.”
“Do you have something pertaining to work you need to discuss?” Cara pulled her hands off the keyboard and twisted to stare up at the man. She was not in the mood to play nice or let people push her around. Not after this last week.
Oh.
It was him.
Right before Christmas, he’d handed out cupcakes, only the frosting was shaving cream.
Cara hadn’t known.
“Chill, pigtails. Just talking.”
She pressed her lips together and stared up at him. Over the years, she’d met plenty of people like him. Pack mentality. Laugh to cover up some trauma. He wasn’t the slick, cool guy he pretended to be. Under all of that, was another person, one like her. Still struggling with himself. Only, unlike him, Cara didn’t attempt to be anything other than what she was.
Usually, she’d make nice, say some inane, silly comment, then toss in a socially acceptable joke. Typically, at her own expense. But why should she? She wasn’t there to be laughed at. Cara was doing a job, which she was good at.
It was like she’d finally leveled up. She’d finally gotten it. That lesson she’d struggled with for so long.
Cara had to think about herself first. Cara had to look out for Cara, because no one else was going to. That was what California had taught her.
“Do you want something?” She folded her hands in her lap.
“Now that you mention it, I’ve got a backlog I need some help with.”
“Then I suggest spending less time on your phone or flirting in the break room. Anything else?”
“Yeah, this pile of shit I have to do is your fault. I want you to deal with it.”
“Highly unlikely. There are twelve of us, we are each allocated two weeks of vacation a year and restricted to taking a week at a time. If I remember correctly, company policy is to divide up work between people directly involved with the accounts we handle. You and I don’t share any accounts, therefore your backlog of work cannot be my fault. I’m guessing cutting out early during the holidays and trying to flirt with the red head from across the hall has put your behind. Not that you’ve asked my advice, but again, I’ll repeat myself. Turn your phone off. Spend less time in the break room.”
Cara’s speakers chimed, signaling her OT was done.
She turned toward her compu
ter and saved her work, all while her audience stared at her.
Her hands shook and her throat closed up.
She didn’t say the things in her head as often as she wanted to. This wasn’t like her. The old her. The pre-California her. But maybe it should be. If she’d learned anything during her week away, it was that Nate, Ellie and the rest hadn’t gotten where they were by spinning their wheels and waiting for help. Cara had allowed herself to get in this rut, and instead of trying to engineer a way out she’d put her head down and spun harder.
It was time to take control of her destiny, so to speak.
“What the fuck happened to you?”
She glanced up at the guy from two cubicles over.
Oopsie, she’d already forgotten he was there. Curious, since usually someone looming over her like he did made her anxious. Too many bad memories of guys like him being bullies.
Cara considered the question.
What had happened to her?
She’d admitted she was in love with Nate.
She’d surrounded herself with amazing, intelligent and creative people.
She’d gotten a firsthand view of what life could be like.
She’d leveled up in life. Now, she just had to allocate her new level bonuses and she knew where that first one was going.
Cara scooped up her tote and stood.
“I found my backbone.” She stared up at the guy and smiled.
This must be what it felt like to be Ellie. She took no shit from anyone and didn’t make apologies. Cara could see why the guys liked her. Hell, Cara wanted to be more like her.
By the time she grabbed her coat, her visitor was gone.
Cara didn’t wait around. She headed out to her car and cranked up the heater.
She hadn’t been kidding about the suggestion to turn off the phone. She pulled hers out, took a deep breath and powered it back on. After a full day at work spent cringing every time she received a message or waiting for one, she’d taken to leaving it off. Nothing productive happened when she was trapped in that cycle, and if she were staying here—which it seemed like the smarter choice now—she needed this job.
Numerous messages waited for her.
A handful from Nate.
A couple from Bryan and Josh.
She clicked the conversation with Ellie and skimmed her messages.
Normal stuff. Random. Comforting.
The Adorkable Girl and the Geek (Gone Geek 5) Page 14