It was strange to think that Ellie was jealous of Cara. She of the awkwardness and zero social skills.
Cara fired off a reply, then shoved her phone deep into her tote for the drive home. Thanks to working late, traffic wasn’t as bad and she made it to the house in near record time. Mom’s car was gone, but Denis’ was in the garage
Cara parked at the curb, out of the way, and sprinted inside. She’d become a warm weather creature in a week. It was hard to get used to even a couple inches of snow on the ground.
Her step-father was in the kitchen, doing the hand-wash dishes at the sink.
“Hey. How was work?” Denis smiled at her.
“Good.” She shrugged and unpacked her lunch bag.
“You got a minute?” Denis dried his hands and turned toward her.
“Uh, yeah.” Cara braced herself, stomach knotting up
“Would you...give your mom a few minutes tonight?”
“Sure?”
“I know things have been rocky, especially since you moved back in, but we spent a lot of time talking while you were gone and I think your Mom has some things she’d like to say to you. If you’d give her a chance, I think you’d like what she has to say.”
Cara swallowed and nodded. Conversations with Mom weren’t exactly enjoyable experiences. She couldn’t remember the last one she’d walked away from without the urge to cry. Cara had more or less avoided time with her mother since coming back, because she knew what Mom would say, even if she tried to phrase it better.
She was a disappointment.
She’d been stupid.
She was going nowhere.
Cara didn’t need help digging her hole any deeper. She was well aware that she’d trusted Nate too much, that she should have thought through things more. Nothing was simple or uncomplicated. Especially love. And Nate...he’d kept secrets.
The utility room door opened, blasting them with more cold air.
“Honey, I’m home.” Mom stepped through, cheeks rosy and a smile on her face. Her gaze landed on Cara immediately “Hey, Cara.”
“Hey.”
Cara scooped up her tote and fled down the hall to her bedroom.
She needed a moment. To prepare. To strap on her armor, though these days it was pretty thin. California had been great and horrible for her.
The whispered voices from the kitchen twisted her anxiety tighter.
Cara squeezed her eyes shut.
In hindsight, yeah, maybe she should have used that money she spent on the trip for an apartment. Then she wouldn’t be vulnerable to moments like these.
“Cara? Honey?”
Cara blew out the breath she’d been holding and shrugged out of her coat.
“Hey, Mom. Have a good day?” She hung the coat on the back of her computer chair and turned to face her mother.
Only, instead of the Inquisitor, angry mask she normally wore when seeking out Cara, Mom’s face was softer, lines of...was that concern?
Mom took a few steps into the room, glancing at the row of pictures now laying face down on the shelf. Cara should have put them away, in the closet, something. This display invited conversation, questions, and she wasn’t ready to have that with her mother.
“Sit.” Mom gestured at the twin bed and perched on the edge
Cara turned her desk chair around and slid her hands between her thighs.
“Denis said you talked?” Mom stared at the floor.
“I guess.”
“I was wrong to be angry with you for going to California. I just...”
“It’s okay, Mom.”
“No, it’s not. Denis was right. I’m the problem. I just...I see so much of your father in you and it scares me. I worry. And...I don’t express it well.”
Cara stared at her mother. Much of what she’d said, Cara had guessed at. She’d always known it wasn’t necessarily Cara herself that was the issue, but a lifetime of not seeing the truth. Was Mom wrong, though? Was Cara more like Mom? Nate had blindsided her in a way she’d never seen coming but it was Cara who chose to leap first.
“I want you to know that...I’m happy you did something for yourself. You paid for it all on your own, on top of everything else. I’m really proud of you, and I don’t say that enough. You’ve always done what needed to be done and never complained. Not when you had to come home, not when you had to get two jobs. I’m the one who can’t let go of the past, and...it’s ruining us, isn’t it? I don’t want that, Cara. You’re my only child. I don’t want you to hate me.”
“I don’t hate you, Mom.”
Cara moved from the chair to the bed and wrapped an arm around her mother’s waist. Mom hugged Cara, and they both ignored her tears. They were good at the ignoring stuff, not so much the talking about it. Or the hugging, these days. The part of Cara that had never stopped being a little girl wept inside of her. She’d missed this, actually talking to her Mom
“How was your trip? How’s Nate?” Mom stroked Cara’s back.
“Can we not talk about it?” Cara squeezed her eyes shut.
“What happened?” Mom frowned at her.
Cara bit her lip.
This was the moment of truth. Did she tell her mom everything? Did she trust that Mom meant they were going to be different?
If anyone would understand Cara’s situation, it would be Mom.
Nate paced his apartment, one eye on the timer.
Cara had said they could talk today.
They hadn’t texted or emailed in over twenty-four hours. Longer since he’d heard her voice.
It was weird.
Wrong.
He couldn’t take this. He needed Cara.
He couldn’t work. He couldn’t focus. Half his friends weren’t speaking to him. The other half, he didn’t want to speak to. Everything was shit since Cara left. And it was his fault. It was easier to be angry, to blame others, but the truth was he knew where the blame would come home to roost.
His phone rang. He practically tripped over his feet getting to the kitchen island, only it wasn’t Cara’s lop-sided grin and crooked glasses staring back at him.
It was Ellie.
The second person on his Do Not Want To Speak To list.
How was it Cara wouldn’t talk to him, but she’d talk to Ellie? Cara hadn’t known Ellie until a week ago. How did she rate higher than Nate, who’d known her for most of their lives?
Still, Cara was talking to Ellie, which meant he needed to be talking to Ellie, too.
Nate jabbed the green button.
“What?” He wasn’t in the mood to play nice or be Ellie’s shoulder.
“Okay, then. Hello to you, too.”
“Hi, Ellie.”
“First, I have the production schedule from Josh and there’s a few things I need to go over with you so we have all our bases covered. Second, how are you?”
“Shitty. So Josh isn’t talking to me now, either?”
“He had some family stuff come up.”
“Is Ruth okay?” Nate gripped the counter, his stomach clenching. He couldn’t take any more bad news.
“I don’t think it has to do with his sister. He didn’t say much, and he didn’t sound worried, just busy.”
Nate grunted and turned toward his laptop. They were all still friends, and Josh’s family had treated Nate like one of their own. He’d have to check up on them.
“Now—how are you? Really?” Ellie asked.
“I’m fine.”
“That’s a woman ‘fine’ if I ever heard one.”
“I don’t want to talk about it, Ellie.”
“Okay. Fine. I get it. If you don’t want to talk about this with me, talk to Samir or someone else. Talked to Cara?”
“I’m supposed to, tonight.”
“Then a friendly suggestion? Call Samir’s ass right now and talk to him. Or yell at me.”
“Why the fuck do you care?”
“Because Cara’s had a rollercoaster kind of day.”
“How the fu
ck do you know?”
“We texted.”
Nate shook his head. This was a special kind of fucked up.
“You still there?” Ellie asked.
“Yeah. I’m here.”
“Why are you pissed at me? Because I took her to the airport? Because I’m talking to Cara and you aren’t?”
“Yeah. That’s exactly it. Cara’s pissed at me because of you, but she’ll talk to you all day long.”
“Do you hear yourself? I mean, have you really listened? Because that’s pathetic reasoning and you know it. Pull your head out of your ass, Nate, and take some ownership here.”
“I know I’m to blame, Ellie. You think I don’t know that? Why couldn’t you have left us alone? Just for a few days?”
“You think this wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t been friendly to your girlfriend?”
“I’d have had time to talk to her.”
“Dude, I hate to break it to you, but this was going to happen. You chose, of your own free will, to not tell her about you or I. I am as much to blame as you are, but you don’t see me pointing fingers at you, do you?”
“No.”
“Okay. Good. Then why’s Cara not talking to you? The real reason?”
“You’re the one that’s talking to her. What the hell is it?”
“You’re the Cara expert. You tell me. I’ve known her for all of a week and I totally get why she’s hurt.”
“What the fuck do you know?” Nate paced his apartment, hand curled into a fist.
“Oh my God, I’m going to have to spell it out for you, aren’t I?”
Nate grit his teeth together.
“Why did Cara’s dad leave?” Ellie asked.
Nate stopped in front of the windows and stared out at the sunset.
“Because...he’d dug them all into a financial hole with his gambling addiction.” Nate rolled that knowledge around. Why would that have anything to do with him and Cara?
“Cara’s dad kept a fucking huge secret from her and her mom. We kept a huge secret from her. You know, I used to be so jealous of her I pretty much hated her? Now...I fucking get it, Nate.”
“I was going to tell her if I’d just been given time.” Eventually. Nate would have done it at some point.
“Yeah, well, that’s not how it happened, and it’s not even the point. The instant you decided to put off telling her set the groundwork for this to happen. All I’m saying is, I get it. Think about it, okay?”
The timer went off.
“Yeah.” Nate jabbed at the button and hung up on Ellie.
He wasn’t anything like Cara’s father. He hadn’t done anything to Cara. He’d just...
Damn it.
Ellie was right.
Nate kept staring out at the sunset, mulling that comparison over.
Cara’s dad had been pretty damn awesome. Always full of laughter and fun. Nate and the guys used to love going over there to listen to him. As an adult, Nate could see how he used humor to hide his problems.
Nate would apologize. Again. Like he had every damn time Cara had allowed him to breathe in her direction.
Five days since he’d seen her last. Since the parking lot. Two days since they’d spoken for a couple minutes while she was eating lunch.
Nate wanted Cara back. The easy friendship. The freedom to love her. Things had been going right for them both. And then it all went to shit.
He hit the speed dial for Cara and held his breath.
The last two times he’d called, she hadn’t answered, which was why they’d set a time to talk.
The phone rang a few more times, then clicked to voicemail.
Was this it, then? Was this how their relationship ended? Because he hadn’t been honest with her?
He sucked in a breath, reorganizing his thoughts to leave a message when the line beeped. He glanced at the screen and nearly pumped his fist when he saw an incoming call from Cara.
Nate switched calls.
“Hey,” he said.
That was it? The best he could come up with?
“Hey.” Cara’s voice was warm and vibrated with humor. People were laughing in the background.
“Are you...out?” Nate frowned.
“No, Mom was just telling Denis some old stories. We were looking through some photo albums from when I was a kid.”
“Oh.” It was such a normal thing to do and yet, given Cara’s strained relationship with her mother, it was unusual. “Should I call back later?”
“Now is fine. I’ve got to get to bed soon. I’m going to try to do my OT before work, instead of after, tomorrow.”
Something clicked in the background and the voices faded away.
“Work going okay? They aren’t hassling you too much?” Nate turned and wiped his palm on his jeans.
“Not too bad.”
“How about your mom?”
“She’s good.”
“Oh.”
Cara didn’t offer any further commentary, and Nate wasn’t in the habit of asking about either work or family. He didn’t know what to ask about or where to start, except the obvious.
“It’s nice hearing your voice,” he said. He waited a moment, but Cara didn’t offer a similar sentiment. “I wanted to...apologize, again, for not being more honest about my history with Ellie.”
“It’s okay.”
“Is it?”
“It just made me realize that there’s a lot we don’t know about each other.”
“So you’re not mad that I didn’t tell you?”
“I’m not...mad.” But from her hesitance he could tell he’d hurt her at the least.
“Where do we go from here, then, Cara?” Nate sat on the sectional and breathed in the smell of her skin.
“I...don’t know.”
“What do you want? Do you want to be friends? To be together? To walk away? What?”
“I don’t know, Nate.” She sighed. “I just...we don’t know each other well enough to make the kind of big decisions we were talking about. We were playing at being the same people we were back in high school, and that’s not us. We’ve grown up. We’re different. And...I don’t know how I feel about this new person I’ve met.”
“Bullshit, Cara. I know you like I know the back of my hand. You know me better than I know myself.”
“Then, why didn’t I know about the bondage? Or Ellie? Or any of that? If we know each other so well, why didn’t I know those things?”
“Because...”
“Why didn’t I tell you about my dad sooner? Why wasn’t I more honest about my life?”
“Do you still love me?” Nate leaned forward and braced his forearms on his knees.
“Don’t ask me that.”
“Do you? Because I still love you. What we didn’t say doesn’t matter. It’s just stuff. You don’t tell me about every time you go to the grocery store. Does that mean you’re hiding something?”
“It’s not the same, Nate.”
“I love you, Cara. I fucked up, yeah, but I want to make it right. I want us to be together.”
“I’m not—I can’t—I’m sorry.”
The line clicked, and Cara was gone, like everything good in his life.
16.
Cara didn’t much care for the dark and early, but she hadn’t been able to sleep. She wanted to get off work in enough time to go by her storage unit and dig out some things. Just because she was going to stay in Omaha, didn’t mean that her life was over.
Nate was right about one thing. She could do more. She could be happier. Only, she’d be doing that here, alone.
Cara gathered her things, then tip toed out of her bedroom. Mom was the lightest sleeper in the world.
The kitchen light was on and Denis stood there, making a sandwich.
“You’re up early,” Cara whispered.
“I’m always up this early.” Denis glanced her way and smiled.
They made their lunches in companionable silence. The last two days, since the chat
with Mom, were some of the better ones. They’d laughed. They’d talked about old times without getting angry or yelling. It was like they’d turned some sort of corner, together, as a family. Things with Nate might be over, but at least Cara’s relationship with her mother was better.
“You talk to your friend last night?” Denis peered at her out of the corner of his eye.
“Yeah.”
“Nate sounds like a really great guy.”
“Yeah.”
“You going back to see him?”
“No.” She hated the way her throat closed up and it was hard to breathe.
Cara blinked a few times, the world growing hazy. Denis wrapped his arms around her and squeezed. She hugged her step-father back and counted to ten, willing the grief that’d eaten at her all night to just go away already.
“What happened, Cara?” Denis held her at arm’s length. “You’ve been sad.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” She ducked her head and shoved her sandwich into the baggie.
“Hey. Hey?” Denis ducked his head until he could look her in the eye.
“I thought I knew him, but I don’t.” Cara lifted her shoulders.
“Nate didn’t tell you something and you found out about it in a...bad way?”
“Something like that.” Cara hadn’t told her Mom or Denis precisely what’d happened. She’d stuck with the highlights.
“Cara, you never completely know everything there is about the person you fall in love with. You just don’t. Most of us get over that, but you and your mom were burned in a bad way by someone who was supposed to love you. Don’t let your dad’s mistakes ruin something good, okay?”
Cara nodded and hoped the gesture didn’t invite more conversation. Things were so screwed up and twisted with Nate. Simply being in love didn’t solve things. She’d learned that the hard way. It wasn’t all secrets and holding things back, there was a practical side to it all as well.
Denis passed her yogurt and fruit for her lunch, then they went their separate ways.
Cara sat in her car, waiting for it to heat up. An old picture of Nate and her was glued to the dashboard. She couldn’t evict Nate from her life, but she didn’t know if being together was the right answer, either.
Nate paid the Uber driver then shambled up the walk to the front door. The world was spinning a little faster today.
The Adorkable Girl and the Geek (Gone Geek 5) Page 15