The Saddler Boys

by Fiona Palmer

  Nat had no idea where Billy would go, and she didn’t know the ins and outs of the farm. Was he hiding on purpose? Had something happened at school? Maybe he’d done something silly, and was trying to avoid the consequences. Where would he go? It wasn’t until Nat was driving past the cemetery that she was hit with a sudden thought. Billy had always had someone he used to turn to. His nana.

  She hit the skids and turned her car around, veering down the short gravel track towards the cemetery’s entrance. Beside the gate sat one little 50cc motorbike.

  ‘Oh, thank god.’

  She pulled out her phone and dialled Drew as she watched the little figure sitting by a lone grave.

  ‘Have you found him?’ were his first words.

  ‘Yes. I’m at the cemetery.’

  ‘What the hell? Oh,’ said Drew when he finally realised. ‘I never thought of that.’

  Nat told him about the picture he’d drawn of his special place when she’d first come to the school.

  ‘I’ll be right there,’ said Drew.

  ‘Take your time. I’ll stay here with him. He might open up to me.’ Nat knew it would take Drew at least ten minutes to reach them.

  ‘Righto. Thanks, Natty, I really appreciate it.’

  Nat made her way into the cemetery. It was a coolish afternoon; ominous clouds filled the sky, and a gentle breeze brought with it a crispness that raised the hair on her skin. She found Billy, sitting cross-legged by Alice’s grave, near the bright new headstone, pulling at the tough weeds growing nearby. His voice was soft and muffled as he talked to the grave.

  Her feet crunched on the gravel stones. It was a small, rustic cemetery with only a few graves and an old gazebo in the middle that was flaking its green paint like a snake shedding its skin. A cream brick wall next to it held plaques and, no doubt, ashes from past residents.

  Billy’s head snapped up when he heard her approach.

  ‘Natty, what are you doing here?’ he said, scrunching up his face.

  ‘Looking for you. Your dad was worried out of his mind,’ she said gently. She didn’t want him to run off, thinking he was in trouble. Instead he dropped his head and remained quiet. Nat got down on the ground beside him. ‘Talk to me, Billy. Are you okay? What’s going on? Did you just feel like talking to your nan?’

  He shrugged.

  ‘You know how worried we were when we couldn’t find you? It’s very dangerous for you to ride off like that. Even I was worried you’d had an accident on your bike. I was scared you were hurt.’

  His face turned up, his eyes bright. ‘Oh, that wouldn’t happen. I’m real good on my bike.’

  ‘I know you are, but sometimes unexpected things happen, like you hit a pothole or pop a tyre, or a kangaroo jumps out. A passing truck could push you off the road. Any number of things could happen. You know how sad your dad would be if any harm came to you?’

  ‘I guess.’ He glanced to the grave. ‘I wish Nan was really here,’ he said softly.

  Nat put her arms around him and hugged him tightly. ‘I know, sweetheart. I wish she was here for you too. But I’m here now and I’d like you to be able to talk to me just like you did your nan. If you want to.’ His only reply was to hug her tightly. ‘Your dad will be here soon,’ she added.

  Billy sat up and turned back to the grave, rigid. ‘I don’t want to see him.’

  ‘Your dad? Why not? Has something happened? You don’t have to worry, he’s not angry. He’s just happy you’re safe.’ He shrugged again. ‘Please tell me what’s wrong, Billy. I’m here to help. You can trust me.’

  ‘Can I go home with you?’ he asked, his eyes pleading.

  She reached out and stroked his head around his ears, just like her mum used to do when she was little. ‘Sure, of course. But will you tell me what’s up? Is it the kids at school or something to do with your dad?’

  He nodded. Nat couldn’t figure out which bit she’d got right. She was trying to think of another question when Billy glanced up at her.

  ‘Do dads lie?’

  ‘Lie? Not usually. Why, what would your dad lie about?’

  ‘He said my mum was dead, like Nan.’ His eyes watched her so intently, Nat was almost too scared to say something wrong.

  ‘You don’t believe him?’ Nat felt way out of her depth. Billy really should be talking to Drew about this.

  ‘She said she was my mum.’

  ‘Who did?’

  ‘The lady at the bus stop today. She got out of her car to talk to me. I thought she was lost, ’cos I’ve never seen her before. But she said she was my mum.’

  Holy crap. Nat’s mind swam with thoughts. Was this woman trying to abduct Billy? Or was she really his mum? ‘What did you do, Billy?’

  ‘I just said that I don’t talk to strangers and got on my bike. Why would she say that?’

  Nat was at a loss. Had Drew been lying all this time? Or was this lady seriously misguided? ‘I don’t know, Billy. Maybe she was just confused.’ She stood up and held out her hand. ‘How about we take you home to the farm and get something to eat? Maybe I can make you my famous mac and cheese. I’ll tell your dad to come grab your motorbike.’

  Billy grabbed her hand, jumping up. ‘You eat mac and cheese?’

  ‘It was my favourite meal when I was about your age. Now I try to eat healthier but I think we deserve a treat, don’t you?’ She was rewarded with a grin as they started walking to her car. ‘I like to use lots of cheese. Do you like pasta?’

  ‘Yeah, Dad makes a carbonara with lots of bacon. It’s my favourite.’

  ‘Goodo.’ Nat tapped a quick text to Drew to let him know their plan.

  Back at the farm, Nat told Billy to go change out of his school clothes and quickly rang Drew.

  ‘What’s up?’

  Nat didn’t have time to fill him in but just asked if it was okay if she stayed and made dinner.

  ‘Of course, but it’s me who should be making you dinner,’ he said. ‘I’m sorry I dragged you into this.’

  Nat was actually dragged into it further than she wanted, but she didn’t mention that. At some stage tonight, when Billy wasn’t around, she would have to explain about the woman.

  ‘I’ll talk to you later,’ she said quickly as Billy returned in jeans and monster truck T-shirt. Slipping her phone away, she clapped her hands together. ‘Okay, I need a helper to show me where everything is. Up to the task?’

  ‘Yep,’ said Billy as he walked to the pantry door. Inside he pulled out a little stool, which he used to reach some aprons. ‘Nan uses these when we cook. You can wear her flowery one. This one’s mine.’ He pulled a black one that said ‘chef in training’ over his head.

  ‘You’ve done this before, haven’t you?’ she said while tying up the apron. Billy gave the apron a longing glance and she wondered if he really was okay with her using it.

  But he held out his hands and turned them over, moving onto the next thing. ‘We have to wash our hands first.’

  ‘Yes, you’re right. Where do we do that?’

  As she followed him to the laundry she felt a pang of sadness that such an amazing kid was growing up without his nana or his mother. That they got to miss out on all his smiles, his silly jokes and that laughter. They wouldn’t get to see him grow into an amazing man, just like his father, or see him get married and have his own children. Nat made a mental note to call her parents when she got home. Crazy and overbearing they may be, but they were her parents and they loved her.

  Just like she felt about Billy. This funny, wonderfully different, unique, sweet boy was already bringing her so much joy, and she knew, without a doubt, he had stolen a place in her heart.

  Chapter 18

  DREW paused by the door, taking in the scene before him. Natalie and Billy, with aprons on, working together in the kitchen. It made his chest ache and yet brought him this surreal happiness. For the first time, Drew thought about what it would be like to have someone for Billy, and someone for himself. Someone as caring an
d fascinating as Natalie, who would make coming home special. Seeing them together made him realise what they’d both been missing out on over the years. Maybe having his mum around had disguised their needs and wants. For the first time in a long time he yearned to wake up beside a beautiful woman, the same one every morning – one to share his thoughts, his dreams and fears with freely.

  He’d always put Billy’s needs first, worrying about bringing someone new into their home, but now he saw that it could be a good thing. Billy shone when he was with Nat, and she was so gentle, accepting and loving with him. This old house certainly missed a woman’s touch.

  ‘Hey, Dad, we’re making mac and cheese for tea. I hope you’re hungry,’ he said, quoting one of Alice’s many sayings.

  ‘Sure am.’ Drew walked over to Billy and knelt down in front of him. He saw his son’s face drop as he remembered he’d done something wrong. Drew held his arms gently so Billy couldn’t run away but smiled to ease his son’s anxiety. ‘You had me so worried today. Promise me you won’t do that again? I’ll take you to Nan anytime you need; you just have to ask.’

  Billy nodded.

  ‘Good. I love you.’ Drew pulled him into a tight hug. He smelt like cheese and soap but also like innocence and childhood. It was hard to realise his little boy was growing up right before his eyes.

  Nat was watching them, her delicate fingers on her lips, her eyes shining with emotion.

  ‘Right, I’d better not hold you up,’ he said, ruffling Billy’s hair.

  Drew left to wash up and found himself wondering how life would be if he was married to a woman like Nat. Maybe he should keep his eyes open, be willing to let someone in. He almost laughed – he was so out of the game he wouldn’t know how to go about it.

  Later that night, after tea, he mentioned it to Nat while Billy was taking a shower and they did the dishes. He’d just finished teasing her about the faint hickey on her neck. Seeing Nat go all shy and flushed made him move on to his own problems.

  ‘And so you’re worried you can’t remember how to date?’ she asked.

  ‘Yeah, is that silly? I’ve been so focused on the farm and Billy over the last eight years.’

  ‘Drew,’ Nat laughed, ‘you wouldn’t have to do anything, the girls would come to you. There’re quite a few who would jump at the chance,’ she said, shaking her head.

  Drew picked up a pot and started to dry it while he tried to get his head around Nat’s words. ‘No, there aren’t. Are there?’

  ‘Drew, you’re the town catch. There are a few girls who’ve been hoping you’ll notice them. I won’t name names but just believe me when I say you’d have no trouble finding a few dates.’

  ‘Yeah, but it’s not just dates I want. I think I’d like to find a wife, and mother for Billy, maybe have more kids. Billy was cool as a baby, the cutest dude ever. I miss that,’ he said truthfully.

  ‘You’re a good dad, it would be a shame if you didn’t have more kids.’

  ‘Thanks. Some days I’m not so sure. It’s hard enough running a farm, let alone raising a kid. There are no manuals and they constantly change.’ Drew put his tea towel down and leant his hip against the sink as he faced Nat. ‘Like today, what was that really about? I’ve been dying to ask but not in front of Billy.’

  Nat glanced towards the bathroom and put her finger to her lips. ‘When he’s asleep.’

  Drew was even more curious now, but he nodded. ‘Okay.’ He liked the idea that Nat was going to hang around for longer.

  Moments later, Billy came out in his green Scooby Doo pyjamas, his hair still damp, and sat up at the breakfast bar watching them do the dishes.

  ‘Did you brush your teeth?’ Drew asked. Billy showed him. ‘Good. Say goodnight to Natty and I’ll tuck you in.’

  ‘Can Natty tuck me in too?’

  Drew didn’t get to answer, Nat beat him to it.

  ‘I’d love to. Let’s go,’ she said, drying her hands.

  Billy hopped into bed and Drew kissed him and pulled his doona up around him. ‘Night, my boy.’

  ‘Night, Dad. I’m sorry I ran away,’ Billy said softly.

  ‘I know, mate. You scared me, but I’m glad you’re back home. Now get some rest.’

  Stepping back, he waited by the door and watched as Nat knelt by the bed and stroked his son’s head with soft fingers. Billy closed his eyes in sheer delight and for Drew it brought back strong memories of Alice doing the same. Drew felt his throat constrict, his eyes blurring, and he made a quick exit back to the safety of the kitchen.

  He got out two beers and waited for Nat to return. As she walked back down the passageway he was struck by how well she seemed to fit in his house. Not something he would have thought when he’d first met her.

  ‘Thanks for that, Natty.’ He handed her a cold beer. ‘Come, we’ll sit outside on the verandah.’

  Outside it was dark and the night was still. Drew liked sitting out at night, enjoying the quiet – except for Turbo barking at the odd fox.

  ‘It’s nice here,’ said Nat, sitting beside him on the wooden bench.

  Drew nodded. He could just make out Nat’s features from the inside lights. Her brow was creased, not a look she wore often. ‘What’s bothering you?’ he asked.

  ‘How did you know something was bothering me?’

  ‘Come on, spit it out.’

  She sighed as she played with the label on her beer. ‘Okay. Billy ran off because a lady came up to him saying he was her mother.’

  It took a few moments for her words to sink in. His heart began to race. ‘Simone was here?’ he said, feeling sick to his stomach.

  ‘Simone?’

  Drew leant forward, elbows on his knees, his beer clasped in one hand while the other ran through his hair as he tried to process the news.

  ‘Is Billy’s mother alive?’

  He could sense Nat’s hand on his shoulder but he felt like he was in a separate galaxy. All he could think about was Simone. Was she here, had it really been her? Why had she come back? Did she want Billy? His gut clenched and his beer soured in his mouth. Never. He would not lose his son.

  He became aware of Nat’s voice. She was sitting closer and shaking him gently with both hands.

  ‘Drew? Are you okay?’

  ‘Sorry.’ He didn’t move and neither did Nat. She waited patiently. ‘Yes, his mum is alive,’ he eventually whispered.

  ‘So you did lie to Billy? That’s what had him torn up.’

  Nat’s words hurt him more than any knife wound could as he thought of his son so confused and upset. ‘Ah, shit. What a mess.’

  After a moment, Drew sat back and looked at Nat. Her kind green eyes were like sparkly gems in the light. They cleared his mind for a moment. ‘I met Simone when I was in my first year at Muresk. We partied hard, and she was always the life of the party. We did all sorts of reckless things. I found out Simone was into some heavy stuff and had some crazy issues.’ The next bit was hard. ‘Then out of the blue my dad, Bill, died. Car crash. I was supposed to finish uni and join him on the farm until he was too old to work, and then it would be mine. Instead I got it at eighteen. I hadn’t even finished a semester at uni.’

  Drew stopped to sip his beer, even though it had lost all its taste. He needed to wet his dry lips. Nat was facing him, her hand resting on his thigh in support.

  ‘So I packed up and came straight home. Mum was a mess, I was still grieving and had a farm to figure out how to run. Of course, there was plenty of help. Matt, Kim and their dad did so much for me in those early days. I don’t know how I got through it; maybe being so busy helped.

  ‘Anyway, it was only about four or five months later that Simone rang me. She said she’d just found out she was pregnant and it was too late for an abortion. She was freaking out. Said it was mine and the dates seemed to fit. She didn’t want a baby and planned to give it up. After talking with Mum we knew we didn’t want that so we got her to come to the farm, and we looked after her until Billy was born an
d then she left. Just like that. She didn’t even want to look at him. She turned her head away, wouldn’t acknowledge him. He was just a harmless baby. That proved to me that he needed us, our protection and love.’ Drew shook his head. ‘To think she couldn’t even hold him, wouldn’t, even though we tried.’

  Nat let out a breath.

  ‘So you can see why it seemed easier to tell Billy his mum had died. I couldn’t bear telling him his mum never wanted him. I couldn’t do that to him. Now it seems I did the wrong thing. I never thought Simone would come back for him. She’s never reached out before.’

  ‘No contact at all?’

  ‘Nothing. Now eight years later she’s decided she wants to be his mum? I don’t think so. She gave her rights up when she left him with me. I’ll lose this farm before I lose my boy and that’s not something I’d ever want to part with either.’

  Drew knew his voice was raised and he sounded mad. He was flitting between throwing his beer in anger and punching the verandah post, or bursting into tears. Either one would probably have Nat running for her car. Instead, he put his beer down and fisted his eyes. His head felt like an overinflated truck tube.

  ‘Have you got any legal documents, anything in writing that stipulates she didn’t want . . . him?’

  Nat stuttering over the words made him realise how much she’d come to care for Billy. She couldn’t fathom how anyone could give him up either. It made Drew sit up and attempt a smile. ‘We have a bit of paper somewhere, which says she didn’t want any ties to Billy. I’m not sure if it will hold up in court. I’ll have to try to find it now.’ Alice would have put it somewhere safe, but where?

  ‘Mum wanted proper documents drawn up but when Simone had Billy she checked herself out of the hospital before she could sign them and then we were so busy with a newborn and a farm I never got around to chasing her up. God, I felt like I was drowning every day for ages. I had lots of learning to do with Billy and the farm. I’m so lucky Mum was there. In a way Billy saved us both after Dad’s death. He gave us purpose, light and so much joy. Lots of hard times too but they don’t seem to be the bits you remember.’