Nothing General About It

by Maurice Benard

  Meanwhile, at work, after the culmination of those difficult years losing my friends, Drew Garrett was cast as a new, older Michael to replace Dylan Cash, who had played my TV son since 2002, and I immediately took Drew under my wing. The first scene we did together included six pages of dialogue for him, and I honestly don’t know many other actors who could have pulled that off at his age.

  “Don’t drop the ball, because once it drops, the scene ends,” I told him.

  I worked with him and he held his own, so one Sunday when Jill called and explained to Paula that they had suddenly replaced him, I was mad. Seeing this kid I had bonded with snatched away without warning was like another loss in the line of losses I had already suffered. I didn’t take it well.

  The next day I was walking in the hallways at work and when Jill saw me, she could tell I was unhappy.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked.

  “I’m pissed, but hey, it’s your show. I just hope this guy’s good.”

  The guy I was referring to is Chad Duell, the brand-new older Michael. I love Chad like a son now, but I was terrible to him for about six months, starting with the first scene we had to do together, which took place in court. Chad’s character, Michael, had killed Claudia to protect his mother, and Sonny and Carly had covered up the truth to keep him out of jail. But secrets always come out, and Chad had a long monologue describing how Michael had no choice but to use force to save his mother. He was sweating bullets while I was sitting in the court in front of him just staring a hole through him, and although he did a great job, I didn’t talk to him after the scene to tell him that. I was a jerk. Donna was sure to tell me so and helped me come around.

  Chad is such a good actor and such a nice guy, I couldn’t help but quickly grow to like him and started teasing him like Steve and I tease each other. I began saying before scenes, “Chad, all you have to do is look into my eyes and I’ll lead you to the promised land.” He even lived at my place in L.A. for three weeks several years ago after a breakup with a girlfriend.

  It’s not just Chad, however; I’m close to all my TV sons and daughters because they are like family. Watching all these young actors I’ve mentored go on to achieve so much and garner acknowledgment and awards is satisfying, and when they win an Emmy, I’m so proud it’s almost like I’m getting one, too; I feel so invested. Chad has deservedly won Emmys and I can’t take any credit for that but I’m still so damn proud of him.

  After all the deaths in my personal life, it was finally nice to witness some happiness in life when I watched another friend, Tori Burns, owner of part of the San Francisco Giants’ franchise, fall in love and get married. And what a wedding—aside from mine, my favorite of all time, until my own daughters’ weddings, of course.

  In 2011, Tori married Steve Humphrey, and what made it so cool was where it took place—they exchanged vows at the stadium, right on the field. At the lavish reception under the stadium lights, I sat at a table with Barry Bonds, who played left field for the Giants. At first he was standoffish, but when we started talking, he told me people think he’s arrogant but he suffers from anxiety, so when a lot of people are around it kicks in. We connected on that and talked at length and he’s a really great guy. Emmitt Smith, running back for the Cowboys, was also seated at our table, and I’ll never forget him saying I was more famous than him and everyone at the table arguing about it. He had a point—football players have a helmet on, so it’s pretty much a mask hiding their features.

  Meanwhile, a high-profile wedding took place in Port Charles as well when Vanessa returned for a while and Sonny and Brenda finally actually tied the knot. It was such a highly anticipated event and fans were so stoked that the wedding was on air for a full week. That same old magic was there, and the ratings were through the roof.

  I was also nominated for my sixth Emmy award for my role on General Hospital. Sonny’s daughter Kristina was beaten up by a boyfriend and landed in the hospital, which led to a very important story line about abuse. As they always do on soap operas, the children grow up far faster than kids do in real life, and two years before, the talented young actor Lexi Ainsworth had been cast as Sonny’s now-older daughter. She’s another young person who wanted to learn, and so I worked with her as I had the others. She brings a layer of vulnerability to her character that can just break your heart. When I do a scene with her, I’m usually thinking about my own daughters, and it adds that depth to the relationship as well.

  As the year came to a close, so did an amazing era—both Jill Farren-Phelps and Bob Guza left the show and in an interesting twist of fate our new executive producer, Frank Valentini, turned out to be the director of an ABC promotional spot I had done as Sonny with Susan Lucci as Erica Kane years before. Although I had not worked with Susan when I was on All My Children, in this spot our characters got stuck in an elevator together and it was fun because the whole thing was very tongue-in-cheek. The spot was also highly popular.

  When Frank came on board at General Hospital, he told me that, of all the people he had to direct for those ads, he was the most scared of me. We had a good laugh about that. By then it was funny to think of people being scared of me—it felt, finally, like that was far from the truth.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Celluloid Heroes

  People may not realize it, but when Frank took over, we all really thought General Hospital was going to be canceled and we would lose our jobs. This was when the O. J. Simpson coverage was at its peak, and when his car chase and subsequent trial took over television, soaps were preempted for weeks and suffered damage from which they’ve never fully recovered.

  The business was also evolving for other reasons. The way everything had always been done, from how we shot to when we shot, all down the line, was revamped to keep up with the new industry dynamics. For the first time I wasn’t required to keep such a grueling schedule, and I began to get two weeks off in regular intervals. Now I know why the rest of the world looks forward to summer Fridays!

  It turns out Frank was a master at budgeting, and kept the show moving in a cost-efficient manner all while directing some of the episodes. In changing everything he allowed General Hospital to stay on the air and everyone to keep working, which in my opinion is a miracle. I love Frank, but I exasperated him sometimes as much as I had his predecessor, Jill, particularly when it came to the character of my on-screen son Morgan.

  In 2013, when it was Morgan’s turn to rapidly age, one day Morgan was little, and almost the next, he was a teen. I’m the first to admit it now that when I saw Bryan Craig’s screen test, I was not impressed. I liked another actor, but the producers wanted to go with Bryan, so Bryan became my new on-set son.

  It only took one scene with him to change my mind. It was a party scene and Sonny and Morgan started yelling at each other. As I watched this brand-new kid with his raw emotion and power, I couldn’t believe it. He held his own and then some, and I said to myself, Holy shit, he’s the real deal. One day he asked me if I’d work with him and teach him method acting, and he was like Steve and Vanessa, another diamond, another sponge, taking it all in and making it his incredible own. But even though they had hired Bryan over who I wanted, once he was on the show they didn’t support him.

  I remember one night in particular when I lost it because I didn’t think he was getting the respect he deserved as an actor. It was a dense dialogue scene for him, at least five pages, and all on him because the brilliant Maura West, who plays Ava, didn’t have many lines, and I had none. I was in awe of this guy’s talent as he blew through that emotional scene, nailing it like a movie star.

  But the director just said, “No, do it again.”

  I loved this director, but I went off. “Why? He was brilliant. None of us could have topped that. I’m not doing it again.” But I didn’t stop there and I went on, laying into the nonbelievers. “I can’t believe how you treat this actor when he’s spilling his guts out. I can’t wait to leave this place; my contract’s up a
nd I’m outta here.”

  I was so pissed, I stormed off the set.

  Now, I had yelled and broken things like a chair before when I was younger and fought harder about every little detail because I thought I was the producer and director back then, but I’d never been as furious as this. As I walked off the stage, our amazing stage manager, Craig McManus, who I love, touched my arm and stopped me.

  “You don’t want to leave. Your actors are still standing there,” he said softly.

  He knew me too well, and he was right: I would not desert my actors. I turned around and I went back to the set.

  “Maura, Bryan, I’ll do the scene again for you. But I’m only doing it for you if you want to do it again,” I said. We stood there looking at each other for a beat, and in that incredibly tense moment the director had a change of heart and decided against the retake.

  The next day I talked to Donna about it, of course. Later, I was in my dressing room with Bryan hanging out between scenes and I told him, “I’ve always got your back.”

  When we went upstairs to the set for the next scene, Frank walked in and he was mad. Privately in his office, he laid into me and said it wasn’t okay to call them fucking idiots, and that I had to apologize to the crew.

  Finally I acquiesced and went back to the set and the amazing crew I absolutely adore because nothing happens without their hard work.

  “I’m sorry I blew up last night,” I began, but before I could continue, I heard one of their ranks, Jimmy O’Dwyer yell out, “We’ve got your back, Maurice.”

  It never happened again and I think things got a little better for Bryan. His character, however, was facing a huge obstacle and Sonny was facing a terrible tragedy. This story line chronicled Morgan’s bipolar diagnosis and death, and it’s another on my list of best story lines of all time. Watching his character descend into the depths of depression was hard because it hit close to home, but also because I loved this kid and I knew he was going to leave. During the whole arc he asked me endless questions about what it was like to be bipolar. We talked for hours and ran lines and he found so many realistic nuances to incorporate. For one paramount scene, he had a monologue in which he was supposed to spiral out of control.

  “You have to talk faster; it’s like you’re on drugs when you’re manic, everything is heightened.” I said. “Spit it out like Eminem.”

  And he did; he sounded like the rapper on steroids and was brilliant to the very last scene, along with Laura, who also did a phenomenal job as a mother losing her son to mental illness and then death. I think the story line was also disturbing for me because at home it was never far from my mind, wondering if one of my kids was going to turn out like me. Thankfully, none of them have exhibited bipolar behavior and I’m grateful, because I wouldn’t want them to go through what I’ve had to experience.

  If there’s someone in your world whose behavior you may have questions about, a wonderful movie I was involved with that delves into bipolar and its symptoms, among other things, is OC87: The Obsessive, Compulsive, Major Depression, Bipolar, Asperger’s Movie. The amazing documentary was written and directed by Bud Clayman about his own struggles. Bud’s humorous outlook and take on life and all its struggles are inspiring. Bud’s a great guy and when he asked me to participate I did, telling my own story in the film and offering insight about bipolar. It premiered at the San Francisco DocFest and went on to be released in theaters in Los Angeles and New York. After its theatrical release, the International Bipolar Foundation (IBPF) honored me in 2012 with the Imagine Award for empowering others by sharing my story and instilling hope.

  Although I was constantly involved with mental health organizations, I still wanted to do more, and in 2013 Paula and I finally decided to make a film about bipolar. We had talked about it for years. We couldn’t have done it without Frank scheduling around me so I could have the time off to do it. He didn’t really have to agree to because contractually that’s at his discretion, but Frank has been great with letting me and the other cast members do work outside the show.

  We also couldn’t have done it without Steve and Tori Humphrey, because movies cost money, and so does developing them. I will love them forever for believing in us and helping us achieve our goal by investing in our passion project, The Ghost and the Whale. Tori recently told me that she was drawn to the project not only because it was inspiring but because she herself has been on medication for severe depression and anxiety for fifteen years, except when she was pregnant and didn’t take the medicine. That’s why she was so invested not only financially but emotionally.

  The film also never would have come to fruition without Paula, because she helped to physically produce it and over three years pushed the never-easy indie boulder up the hill.

  First we commissioned a script. Filmmakers Anthony and James Gaudioso are twins I’d worked with on a fantastic film, Duke, a few years before, playing a mysterious bad guy named Winky who assaulted a town. Anthony told me a crazy idea about a man who talks to a whale, but he hadn’t gotten much further than that. I said, “That’s not crazy, that’s our movie! I know why he’s talking to a whale . . . he’s bipolar. That’s basically his inner mind, Joseph was in a terrible state of mind.” Then Anthony started writing the script about Joseph, a man who is losing his mind because he believes he might have been responsible for his wife’s death. His conversations with the whale at the beach about the meaning of life adds a beautiful metaphysical, almost fantastical element to the film. Anthony and James both played leads in the film as well as codirecting it.

  We began shooting in February 2013 in Bodega Bay, where the Hitchcock movie The Birds, celebrating its fiftieth anniversary at the time, had been filmed, and it was exciting to have Tippi Hedren, the star of that classic, appear as a character in our film. Paula and I had a lot in common with Tippi, because she has dedicated her whole life to the welfare of animals and founded the incredible Shambala Preserve in California, where she rescues lions and other exotic felines from terrible situations. Tori also appeared as a character in the film and it was fun to see Ron Hale and work with him again because it was just like old times.

  The first scene took place on the beach in the freezing cold and I thought, What have I gotten myself into? As I was standing there in the numbing temperature and wind talking to nothing but the crashing waves, suddenly a seal came out of the ocean and just stared at me, like he knew, like he was worried, and that seemed like a good sign to me.

  My favorite scene in the movie was a seven-page monologue in which my character tells the doctor he’s invincible while on a manic high. I got more and more jacked up in the scene and after the directors yelled, “Cut!” I heard one of the crew members say, “That was Al Pacino, man!” I could tell, though, by the look on the faces of the two directors they didn’t agree.

  “Not sure that was enough,” one of them said.

  I couldn’t believe it. I asked Paula what she thought.

  She thought they were right. “It wasn’t, honey,” she echoed.

  I resigned myself to the truth and asked the directors, “What do you need?”

  They said simply, “Go bigger.” But I hesitated, because less always seems like more in a performance, in my book.

  “You have to, baby,” Paula prodded, but I still wasn’t persuaded.

  “Baby, listen to me,” I said, “I’m already losing my head on this film. How do you know I won’t step over a line and never come back?”

  She looked at me without any reservations. “Because I believe in you. You can do this.”

  Seeing her resolve convinced me, so I took another shot at it and this time went even more manic. In every movie there’s a moment when you do something and it gets completely quiet and you know you’ve got the people in your palm, and this was that moment. The entire crew was transfixed and no one moved.

  We shot on the remote location for three long weeks. The kids were all there, too, involved. But it was tough, and off-set I wa
s really losing my mind. I yelled at my wife and I yelled at my friend Melissa, who had graciously shown up to help with the production details. I was a time bomb and yet I was on my meds, which made it worse. The last day of filming was also my fiftieth birthday, so when Paula threw a combination birthday/wrap party with music and a big cake I thought it was sweet, but I was so ready to get home I couldn’t wait for the party to be over.

  What was making me so crazy?

  Part of it was the intensity of the role and the dark places I had to go to in order to portray Joseph’s decline, but once we were back in Temecula, the dark fog still hadn’t lifted. In fact, it had gotten worse. After several weeks, I knew I had to find another therapist. I had been on Dr. Drew Pinsky’s HLN show to talk about bipolar disorder in 2011 along with Catherine Zeta-Jones and Patty Duke, so we called him and Dr. Drew found a great person for me to work with.

  Just like any other time I’m down, I used acting as a form of therapy and took my depression into work to let it work for me. You can’t stop doing what you’re doing or you get into a hole, I know because I’ve been there, and the other alternative—ending it—is not an alternative. You have to keep telling yourself that day by day it will get easier. So I exercised, went to work and therapy, and called Paula at night from my apartment in L.A. because I needed to hear her voice.

  In August 2014, Paula incredibly put together a screening of our film followed by a Q and A with the cast and directors at the Writers Guild in Beverly Hills, and I was a wreck. There were five hundred people there, including my General Hospital castmates. In my insecure mind, I thought it was too extravagant, which was typical of Paula. But I didn’t think it went well. I was certain everyone hated the film and were lying when they came up to say that they liked it.