Nothing General About It

by Maurice Benard

  I think the craziest moment during that event (outside of seeing Paula at the Elvis museum!) was putting on a hoodie and sneaking down to the ballroom late one night where the fans were gathered to watch favorite episodes of General Hospital on a big screen. The idea was to come in the back and just sit in the audience until someone noticed I was there and give them an unscheduled surprise appearance and selfies with me. We snuck through the halls and the massive lobby without detection, and when I opened the door to the ballroom—it was empty. We were so surprised we burst out laughing because no one was there to care. Hotel staff who happened to be cleaning up explained that the projector had broken and the film event had been canceled. I felt bad for the fans, but I think I was more disappointed than anybody, because it would have been such a great surprise. I ended up taking selfies with the staff, and then random fans who caught a glimpse of us on our way back to the rooms also snagged some fun selfies.

  The night before we left, Rick Springfield, who in addition to his musical career is famously Dr. Noah Drake on General Hospital, appeared at Graceland for a concert in conjunction with the event, and while the fans rocked out in the mosh pit to hits like “Jessie’s Girl,” we had a private view of the concert stage-side, which was fun. Finola Hughes, who plays Anna Devane and is a damn great actress, and Laura were dancing up a storm and taking selfies along with other cast members, and after a long day of signing autographs and posing for pictures it was a nice way to relax and let off steam.

  Rick also deals with depression and has been open about it publicly. I applaud him for that, because everybody thinks if you’re a rock star you’ve got it made, but this disease can strike anybody, anywhere, in any field, at any given moment. And it does, it just depends on what you do with it.

  I was completely caught off guard when shortly after our Graceland excursion I was nominated for an Emmy that year for the work we had done on the Alzheimer’s story, but since neither Paula nor I thought I would win, she didn’t attend the awards show with me. Instead, we thought it would be fun for Joshua—who had never been to the Emmys—to get dressed up and be my date on the red carpet in Pasadena.

  When my category came up, I was still thinking someone else would be going on the stage, because I had been nominated so many times over the past years that I had no expectations. I also still had that peace and calm I had had for months. I know it sounds impossible, but I really couldn’t believe it when they called my name. Joshua and Cassidy were also surprised and knew I was totally unprepared, because not only had I not written a speech, I didn’t even have a few bullet points scribbled on a notepad and tucked in my jacket to jog my thoughts in a coherent direction.

  As I made my way to the stage, there was nothing else to do but speak off the cuff and from the heart, so I reiterated that Alzheimer’s was the real star of the story line for educating people, including myself. I thanked my amazing costars and of course advised everyone who was watching that it’s probably better to have at least a few notes scribbled on a napkin before getting on a stage.

  Even though Paula wasn’t there, it meant a lot to have my kids with me and to watch Joshua have that experience for the first time, in the world he’s chosen to jump into professionally. Maybe it even makes him think his old man is cool.

  When Victoria Gotti: My Father’s Daughter aired soon after, it immediately began trending and the ratings were great, but although friends and family came to the house and watched it together, I don’t like to watch myself on-screen with a crowd and stayed away. It’s too nerve-racking, but I was anxious to hear what people thought, so afterward I asked Paula, “Give me the verdict: A, B, C, D, or F?”

  She said honestly, “Honey, it’s an A-plus.” I believed her, because Paula will tell me if it’s not. We were watching a rerun of the Desi and Lucy film on TV recently and one of my scenes ended. It was deadly quiet in the room, and not in the good palm-of-my-hand way, and Paula shook her head and said, “Not good, baby.”

  After everyone left the house, I watched the Gotti film alone. As always, I was critical of my own performance, looking back at scenes I thought were great, and how I could have done them better in different ways. It’s sometimes maddening to see which takes filmmakers used and to then try to interpret their choices, but the movie turned out amazing, thanks to all of the talented participants. I even think my accent was pretty good, considering the time I had to prepare. I am very proud to accept the compliment when people tell me I captured Gotti’s essence.

  Just as I was surprised to win another daytime Emmy for the role of Sonny, I was floored when Lifetime put me up for my first prime-time Emmy for playing John Gotti. In light of the fact that the producer hadn’t wanted me in the role, I felt a real sense of accomplishment for breaking into that prime-time awards arena anyway.

  Donna would have just loved that; I can hear her laughing now.

  Recently I was driving by my old place, where I used to walk Cain, and I started thinking that everything I love in life is either dead, dying, or going to die—and that’s just life. As that thought flickered in my head, a guy jumped in front of my car and we locked eyes as I screeched to a stop—just in time. It had suddenly gotten real, and I thought, It only takes one moment and death takes you.

  The moral of the story—of my story—is to be kind, appreciate your blessings, and love everyone to the fullest. I have so much to appreciate, and among the blessings are healthy parents, a healthy wife, and incredible kids.

  Cailey graduated in 2019 with a psychology degree, the first person in my family to matriculate from college. When I walked into the ceremony hall at University of San Diego I was overwhelmed with pride and had to hold it together so I wouldn’t break down and take the attention away from my baby girl. As I watched her walk across the stage and receive her diploma, I was struck by what a huge accomplishment it was—and one that was so out of reach for me. It was a phenomenal feeling to watch her top off so many years of hard work. Cailey’s always been her own person, determined, on a clear path, and I know she’ll be a great psychologist. I flashed to her as a little girl chasing snakes, playing princess, and camping out with her little friends in tents to get the first tickets to a Harry Potter movie.

  At her graduation party—Harry Potter–themed, of course—she and her fiancé, Carlos Avila, a paramedic and future firefighter, announced their bridesmaids and groomsmen, including her sisters and brother, presenting them with personalized bobbleheads. He’s an incredible guy, and when they got engaged at Disneyland, there was no way for me to escape the ugly-crying. It was that beautiful.

  Cailey is in the throes of planning her Belle-inspired wedding, at which I will be giving her away and, on top of that, officiating. I hope I can get through it without losing my composure. Since Paula never got to really fully have her dream wedding, she is enjoying every last detail of planning Cailey’s big event with her, and a day doesn’t go by that I don’t hear Paula and Cailey talking “wedding”!

  Heather, on the other hand, was married in June 2019 at the courthouse in San Diego to her longtime boyfriend Philip Andresen, a sergeant in the Marines and a great guy. His family was dressed in cream and ours in splashes of color that Heather picked out for us from the new style department she spearheaded at Macy’s San Diego.

  It was a sunny California day and Heather was shining just as bright, beautiful in her long, green gown. As I watched her and Philip exchange vows, I remembered her as a little girl—how she ran around with Cailey, let me tease her about everything, the first time she called me Dad. Now, watching her swear her life to someone, my heart was full to bursting. The ceremony was short and simple and Paula and I hosted a dinner for everyone at an Indian restaurant in San Diego.

  My youngest daughter, Cassidy, graduated from high school a few years ago, and she is so much like Paula it’s no surprise she’s her shadow. She helps Paula manage my career, working on everything from booking to appearances. She’s a music lover like me, and one of our favo
rite activities is to hang out and listen to jazz.

  Luckily, she isn’t accident-prone anymore, but she’s still as much of a magnet for animals as Paula, and wants to bring home every cat she sees. She has been dating her boyfriend Anthony Cammarata, who just joined the Air Force, for several years. They are the two quietest people in the world, but you can tell they are deeply in love. It’s really wonderful watching that young love play itself out.

  It’s interesting, all of my girls chose strong, good men with character who serve their country and community. I may do action scenes with explosions or fire or gunshots, but these guys face the real deal. I’m grateful for their service to our country, and am happy they make my girls happy.

  My son, Joshua, has also come a long way; whatever he’s passionate about, he pursues. This doesn’t surprise me because Joshua is good at everything, including playing the piano, which he picked up without any lessons. As far as acting goes, there’s talent and “magic” talent, and Joshua has the latter in spades. I think he’s going to be a movie star. He has already been in his first theater production in Los Angeles, starred in director Spencer Wardwell’s American Film Institute film Boys of a Certain Age, and is auditioning constantly, all while finishing high school. The fact that girls are already a part of his life blows my mind, because, as with my daughters, I still often see him as a little kid running around getting into things. Sometimes seeing the sensitive, mature man standing before me is a shock.

  Seeing all of my children happy and fulfilled is the biggest blessing I could have received. I often thank God I was able to break the cycle of violence of my dad’s generation with my own children. Even though I haven’t yet broken the pattern of emotional detachment, I am still trying. Now, when everyone’s fighting, my skill is being the moderator. I think maybe that’s because I’m used to being the one on the outside looking in.

  The hard truth of it is that something inside me changed when I went into the mental institution as a young guy. I lost the ability to say, “I love you,” to family and friends and girlfriends; it’s like a wall went up, and I’ve been trying to scale it ever since.

  Honestly, it’s still difficult for me to say, “I love you,” unless I’m saying it in character in a scene. The first time I said it to Brenda on General Hospital, I was really saying it to Paula. She has always been understanding of that, even though I’m frustrated I can’t say, “I love you,” to the girls or Joshua the way I wish I could. I do it, but not with the ease that comes so naturally to them with Paula. Although it kills me that Joshua can’t say, “I love you,” to me, I understand the dynamics and I’m glad at least he can express it to his mom.

  Whether or not we actually say those words, though, my kids know I love them, and I know they love me.

  I hope someday I’ll be able to say, “I love you,” and freely offer hugs to the people I love. Donna would kick my butt from heaven if I tried to stop working on that part of me, so I won’t. She believed it was possible, and I’m going to try with every breath to prove her right. It pains me that I didn’t do it enough with my kids, but all I can do is continue to try, keep working to become a better man.

  I do wonder how much of my own journey influenced my children. I wonder if Cailey decided to study psychiatry, with a focus on troubled children, because of everything she knows I have gone through with my mental illness. I wonder if Cassidy is as giving and empathetic as she is, because she’s watched Paula reckon with the difficulties of my chemical imbalance and support me no matter what. I wonder if Joshua thinks his father is crazy and never wants to be like me, or if he understands why I am who I am and can relate to me.

  It was always amazing to watch the kids with Paula when they were young, because she’s such an incredible loving life force, but it has been equally beautiful to watch their relationships change to being close friends as the kids have blossomed into young adults. Paula is so loving and affectionate with them I believe they will be okay, because she’s always been my angel—and theirs. Paula also reached her own milestone while I was celebrating my big twenty-five-year achievement, and started a talent agency called Embrace Real Artists. It’s the natural next step in a business she’s been part of for over twenty-five years. She told me that she wanted to do it to represent the talent that can’t find a home, which makes perfect sense, since it’s always been her nature to be there for any person (or animal) in need. Of course, her first choice for a junior agent was Cassidy, who is excellent on the computer and incredibly hardworking. She might have just found her passion, too. Together they’re a powerhouse, and any talent will be lucky to be represented by ERA.

  I have so much to appreciate, so many blessings, and I never would have survived the ups and downs of my illness or achieved what I have in life without my angel, Paula.

  After everything in my life, I’m still standing.

  The darkness hasn’t won.

  I’m truly the luckiest man in the world.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Accentuate the Positive

  It has been over twenty-seven years since my last breakdown, and I also have not had a lapse on an airplane in several years.

  But I do wake up some mornings with that knot in my stomach, that dread for no apparent reason engulfing me, and I still fight the anxiety demon that I will most likely fight the rest of my life. It’s a pain in the ass, but I’ve accepted that’s just the way it is. As my father would say, “Lo que pasara pasara.”

  Now I know I can get through those dark times because I understand I have a choice.

  I just have to choose to fight for my life.

  I remember how it used to be, fighting in parking lots just to fight, getting into scraps all the time. How far and fast I ran from that mental institution, hoping my demons wouldn’t catch up.

  When I fight now, it’s to save myself. Now I know what my demons are. I’ve discovered the tools that make up my armor.

  I think I’m better at living in the moment, instead of getting trapped inside my head worrying about the next moment (and the next). Something that helped me so much in achieving that state was a book called The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. The premise—living in the present and being fully present in each moment—makes all the difference in the world. It’s the difference between using the day to paint a masterpiece or pulling your hair out.

  The meditation technique Dr. Friedemann Schaub taught me has been another invaluable tool. Over the years I have elaborated on it, adding more to the world I visualize when I close my eyes. It’s quiet and I take a step, then I take a deep breath, but now I’m walking down a long set of stairs, and as I do, I keep breathing, taking one step at a time in my mind, toward the closed door at the bottom.

  When I reach the door, I don’t hesitate before opening it. On the other side are a sea of roses and carnations on a huge beautiful green lawn underneath the bluest sky I’ve ever seen, which is so stunning it’s almost blinding to look at. A waterfall is flowing into a large pond on the left, and on the right, far away in the distance, I can see a large building. The architecture is beautiful but I never get inside the building to see what’s there, I just know in my deepest soul where I am must be heaven, because it feels like it: full of peace, light, calm, beauty.

  I close my eyes and lie down in the flowers and grass. When I open my eyes in this beautiful place, I see Manny, and I’m so elated I hug him. I’m outside of myself watching us talk, but I can’t ever hear what we’re saying. After a while, something tells me Manny has to go and I walk back through the door and up the stairs.

  Sometimes when I leave this meditation I cry because I don’t want to say goodbye, but I inevitably feel centered when I open my eyes in the real world again.

  Other times, in this meditation, I’m with other people.

  Sometimes I’m bringing Paula down the stairs and through the door with me to see her mother. Recently, I went there and found all of my friends who have died too soon, clustered on that beautiful lawn:
Jeff, Manny, Carol, Ray, Donna, Corleone, Cain.

  It was the most amazing surprise. We were all laughing, and when it was time to go I didn’t want to, but I knew I had to, so I hugged everyone goodbye and I went back through the door and up the stairs to my life.

  Beyond the visualization, I also have to be diligent and take my medicine, even though I know there’s no pill that is a quick fix for everything. That means I also have to take care of myself physically because it’s all connected. I eat healthy foods, I don’t drink, I work out, box, and go to therapy. If I feel good, all of this makes me feel even better, and if I don’t feel great, it helps me maintain equilibrium.

  Part of my healthy routine includes sitting in my chair inside the fenced goats’ and alpacas’ area outside my house and meditating on the view while I drink my coffee. I’ve also started doing a weekly Instagram video chat on Sundays called State of Mind (also available on my website at mbstateofmind.com) while I’m sitting there, talking about what’s going on in my mental health journey that week. I’m honest about whether it’s going well and whether it’s a good week or not, so anyone else out there struggling with a bad week knows they are not alone.

  I figure if I’m going through things, other people probably are, too. I have gotten so many responses on social media, it’s astounding. A psychiatric nurse recently wrote to me saying she uses me as an example when speaking to her patients, particularly young, newly diagnosed patients who think their lives are over. That makes me so happy. I absolutely love talking to people about overcoming challenges, and now I’m taking that to another level by planning motivational speaking engagements to groups around the country.

  It started with Cailey’s alma mater, the University of San Diego, which asked me to speak on my mental health journey when Cailey was still a student there. We joined with IBPF to do an event, which Donna’s son came to see. I remember Donna saying, years before, he had connected with what I said, and that inspired me to continue educating youth about mental illness.