Cinnamon Gardens

by Anna Jacobs

  ‘Janey?’

  Her breath caught in her throat. ‘Mum?’

  ‘Yes. Please don’t put the phone down on me. I … this phone call is very important. I need to say something to you.’

  ‘Oh. All right. I wasn’t going to put the phone down, though.’ She hadn’t tried to get back in touch with her mother, who had taken her father’s side in bullying her for most of her life. If it hadn’t been for her granddad, Janey would have had no one to stand up for her and show her unconditional love as a child. She still missed him.

  She realised her mother was weeping and found it in herself to ask gently, ‘What do you want to say, Mum?’

  ‘I need to … to apologise to you.’

  ‘What for?’

  ‘Everything. Not taking your side. Letting him, your father … be unkind.’

  It was the last thing Janey had expected to hear. But the apology came too late. The harm had been done. She couldn’t think what to say.

  ‘You knew I’d left your father?’

  ‘Yes. I’d heard.’

  ‘I’m still at a women’s refuge. I daren’t go home. He’d kill me. He hasn’t … come near you?’

  ‘No. I’ve not seen him once.’ And she’d kept her eyes open.

  ‘His second court case comes up soon, I think.’

  Janey was puzzled. ‘What second court case?’

  There was silence for a few seconds, then her mother said, ‘For hurting me quite badly after the first court case. He was furious about being given probation, furious that his friend was put into jail for raping you. The neighbours called the police. I think they saved my life.’

  ‘I didn’t know about that, just that you’d left him.’ She’d kept away from her parents and would have had trouble getting to their house even if she’d wanted to visit them.

  ‘I hope they lock him away for what he did to you … and to me.’ Her mother’s voice surprised her, it was much firmer than her usual soft, hesitant tone.

  ‘Yes. He needs stopping.’

  ‘Amen to that. Look, Janey, I’ve been going to counselling here at the refuge, as well as discussing what’s happened with the other women and … Well, I’m starting to see things more clearly. My first step is to apologise to you. And I do. From the bottom of my heart. I was a coward and a very bad mother. I’m sorry.’

  ‘Um … right.’

  ‘And next I need to get my head together and make a new life. That’s going to take some time.’

  Janey didn’t want to go on with this. She’d find it hard, if not impossible, to truly forgive her mother. ‘I wish you luck.’

  ‘But you don’t want to see me. You’re still bitter.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I was terrified of him, Janey.’

  ‘So was I. He used to thump me for nothing.’

  ‘He hit me too. Often.’

  How often? she wondered. She hadn’t heard cries or shouts from their room, or seen any bruises on her mother.

  ‘They said you’d be upset still. I don’t blame you. I won’t annoy you by calling again.’

  Janey felt mean; she didn’t want it to end like this. After all, her mother had apologised. That was something. ‘No, wait! Give me your phone number. I’ll call you … in a week or two. Just leave things for now, all right? I’ve a lot on at the moment. I’m moving house today.’

  ‘You will call? Really?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Promise.’ Her voice broke. ‘Please promise.’

  And Janey couldn’t refuse, just … couldn’t. ‘I promise.’

  ‘Thank you. You don’t know how much this means to me. One more thing before you go … how is Millie? She looked so well cared for when I saw her. You must be a good mother. I’m sorry I haven’t got to know her.’

  ‘Millie’s wonderful. She’s a happy, healthy baby and I love her to pieces.’

  ‘I’m glad.’

  The line went dead. Janey swiped clumsily at the tears the call had brought. She wished she could wipe away the bad memories as easily. One thing she was determined about: Millie was going to have a happy life. No one was going to bash or bully her.

  It was a relief when Dawn turned up, but of course she noticed at once that Janey was upset.

  ‘What’s the matter?’

  After a moment’s hesitation, she explained about the phone call.

  ‘Hmm. Well, I’m pleased you were kind to her. Well done! Maybe, once you’re settled in at Miss Parfitt’s, you should get some counselling about how to handle this situation from now on. I can find someone who will be able to help you.’

  ‘Oh. The problem is, I don’t really want to get in touch with my mother again. Only, she was so upset, crying, that I couldn’t refuse. It’d have been like treading on a kitten. And she knows I don’t break my promises, so she’ll be expecting me to call. I’ll have to do it, but not yet. I’m relieved that I’ve never bumped into my father in town.’

  ‘He’s moved. Didn’t anyone tell you? Apparently he beat up your mother so badly she had to go to hospital and the neighbours gave him the cold shoulder for how he’d treated you and her. Your mother didn’t go back to the house. Then he lost his job because of his drinking and he was in trouble with the bank already because he’d lent his friend Gary money. So he put the house up for sale and left the district.’

  ‘Do you know where he’s gone?’

  ‘To stay with some cousin or other who has a small farm. He couldn’t go too far away, because he has to stay in touch with the police and his probation officer.’

  ‘That’d be his cousin Wayne, who lives on the other side of Swindon on a smallholding. They grew up together. Wayne’s a bully too. I’m glad my father’s gone even further away.’

  Dawn put her hands on Janey’s shoulders and stared at her earnestly. ‘I don’t blame you. But I just want to say one thing more to you. You can afford to be generous to your mother. She was weak and cowardly but she wasn’t the villain.’

  ‘No. I suppose not.’

  ‘You have a lot of good things going on in your life now. Your mother’s lost everything, her home included, though I think the authorities will make sure she gets a share of the money when it’s sold. If she really is trying to make amends, don’t trample on her efforts, even if you’re never able to feel close to her.’

  Janey sighed. ‘I’ll try.’

  ‘We all have to face dragons at times in our life, you know.’ She patted her young companion’s back, waited a moment then spoke more briskly, ‘You’ve coped well with your problems so far. Very well. Now, come on. That’s enough soul-searching. This is meant to be a happy day. Let’s get your stuff loaded into the van. We’ll take Millie and the playpen down last of all.’

  When everything had been removed from the flat, Dawn picked Millie up. ‘I’ll give you a minute or two to say goodbye to your first home.’

  Janey nodded but she didn’t go back inside, didn’t want to. She stared into the flat from the doorway. Kieran had decorated it nicely and provided decent basic furniture, but it had never felt like a home to her and now it looked bare and unwelcoming. She’d spent all too many lonely, unhappy hours here and was glad to leave.

  She closed the door firmly. ‘Onwards and upwards,’ she murmured. It was a positive motto she’d found helpful in recent months. And perseverance had paid off. She was studying again, had her darling little daughter to love, and had begun making new friends. She even had an adopted family now.

  It didn’t take long for Dawn to drive them to the top of the street and Auntie Winnie opened the door of number 5, beaming a welcome.

  She must have been watching out for us, Janey thought. She liked the thought of someone doing that.

  Even the sun seemed to be shining more brightly on this part of the street as she got Millie out of the baby carrier and took her into the house, plonking a kiss on Auntie Winnie’s wrinkled cheek as she passed.

  Dawn helped her carry the things inside, then studied the bedr
oom. ‘This old furniture is too heavy for you to move on your own. How about I round someone up to assist?’

  ‘Later, perhaps, once I’ve decided what I want. I’ll leave things as they are for now. There aren’t that many choices about how you arrange a bedroom anyway, are there? Auntie Winnie said I could have another bedroom as well, for Millie, or for a study, and my own sitting room downstairs. I have to be able to hear Millie if she cries, though, so I’m not sure about sitting downstairs.’

  ‘What you need in a big house like this is a baby monitor. I should have thought of that before. We have one or two second-hand ones at Just Girls. People donate all sorts of things to us. I’ll bring one round and we’ll see if we can fix it up here.’

  Janey hugged her. ‘You’re wonderful, Dawn.’

  She wanted to hug the whole world today.

  With Millie making a mess of her face and bib as she sucked on a rusk in her high chair, and Auntie Winnie sitting nearby keeping an eye on her, Janey was able to go upstairs to her bedroom to unpack. Dawn had helped her erect Millie’s cot next door in what had once been called a dressing room, but plastic carrier bags were still scattered everywhere.

  She stood for a moment or two contemplating her new domain, enjoying the spacious feel to it, then began opening drawers. They were all empty, and some were so dusty she wondered how long they’d been unused. Well, she had a duster, but she might take a damp cloth to them first and leave them to dry. She rushed downstairs to get one, kissing Millie as she passed and daring to kiss Auntie Winnie too.

  The drawers were dry by the time she’d hung up her clothes, taking up only half the big old wardrobe. Her other pieces of clothing didn’t fill up even half the drawers, either. There was a chest of drawers in the small side room for Millie’s things.

  Janey decided to leave the single bed there pushed against one wall, ready for use later, because her daughter wouldn’t be in the cot for ever. She smiled. Auntie Winnie might consider the baby’s room to be small; in the flat, Janey and her daughter had shared one this size.

  She left the doors open in case she was needed, but didn’t get called down, so assumed Millie was all right. She felt sure Auntie Winnie would err on the side of being too careful, so didn’t even go to check.

  When she’d unpacked all the clothes, she sat for a moment on the bed, looking at a pretty painting on one wall and then she went to stare out of the window at the street and, beyond it, the roofs of the little town.

  Unlike in the flat, she felt as if she’d come home here, she really did.

  After doing some research online, Nell rang a company specialising in analysis and treatment of dry rot, which was what she suspected the problem was. Well, what else could it be?

  ‘As it happens,’ the man told her, ‘we’re doing a check on a house near you this afternoon. If you don’t mind us coming at about five o’clock, we could take a preliminary look then and find out whether there’s a need for anything more.’

  ‘That’d be fine. The sooner it gets looked at, the better.’

  The phone rang a minute after she’d put it down.

  ‘Hello, sleepyhead.’

  ‘Hello yourself, Angus.’

  ‘Want me to go and see your estate agent today? I have a couple of errands to run in town.’

  ‘Tomorrow would be better, if you don’t mind. Someone’s coming to look at the attic later this afternoon. I’d prefer to know exactly where I stand before you talk to that smarmy salesman.’

  ‘OK. I’ll see you this evening, then.’

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘Yes, we have a date.’

  ‘We do?’

  ‘I’ve decided to take you out for a pub meal. It’s a very English tradition. It’s not that I’d enjoy your company, perish the thought, but I feel it my duty to educate my colonial brethren.’

  He hung up before she could reply and she laughed. She loved his light touch, the way he teased her.

  She looked round the kitchen and frowned, wondering what to do with herself till inspection time.

  In the end she decided that if she was going to have to sell this house, she’d better make a start on clearing its contents out. It’d help pass the time and divert her thoughts from her worries.

  But oh, she was utterly fed up of clearing things out after spending weeks going through her Australian home and discarding her life and her sons’ childhoods piece by piece. All she’d kept in the end had been some personal stuff she couldn’t bear to part with, photos, some of her favourite books, a few ornaments and a few pieces of furniture she loved. They were in a hired storage locker, which was costing her an arm and a leg each month.

  She looked at the mess and sighed. Since when did you only get to do the things you enjoyed? she told herself sternly. Just get on with it.

  It took her the rest of the morning to sort out the contents of the kitchen cupboards, which were a jumbled mess. That made her feel sad, because she guessed Fliss hadn’t cared towards the end, or perhaps not been able to do much. Beautiful fine china plates were stacked with chipped earthenware, delicate crystal glassware stood cheek by jowl with cheap, lumpy stuff.

  And there was even a little silver box in among the cutlery. She’d have to check its hallmark date. She could no doubt find a list of them online. The box looked quite old and was pretty, with a delicate engraving of stylised flowers.

  Once she’d removed everything from the cupboards, she sorted things into ‘good’, ‘usable’ and ‘bad’. Some of the bad were so bad she tossed the chipped and cracked pieces into the dustbin without hesitation. Some of the good things were so delicately beautiful she decided to get them valued.

  Thank goodness the lawyers had had the food cleared out or goodness knows what unsavoury messes she might have found in the cupboards. As it was she did come across traces of mice here and there, and a dead mouse in one of her traps. Ugh!

  Her mobile phone rang as she was settling down to a late lunch. She glanced at it: Robbie. It’d be eight o’clock at night in Western Australia.

  ‘Hi, Ma. Just wanted to check how you were.’

  ‘I’m fine, love. How are you? And Linda?’

  ‘She’s fine. Only two months to go before we make you a grandmother.’

  ‘I’m looking forward to it. Have you heard from the others?’

  ‘I rang them before I called you. You’ll never guess what: Nick – our playboy Nick – has fallen in love.’

  ‘No! That’s quick. Or did he know her before and not tell us? Who is she, anyway?’

  ‘It’s someone he met a few days ago at the supermarket. Her name’s Carla Baldino and I think she does some sort of office work in the daytime and works in a bar at weekends. I’ve met her and I really liked her. The amazing thing is how together the two of them look already, as if they’ve been married for years. She’s obviously fallen for my brother just as deeply.’

  ‘I hope it lasts.’

  ‘You know what, Mum, I think it might. I don’t know why I’m so sure of that, but I am. Anyway, he sends his love to you.’

  ‘Give him mine.’ When Robbie didn’t go on, she prompted, ‘And Steve?’

  ‘He’s very angry with you at the moment because he had to do his washing all by himself at the weekend.’ Robbie chuckled. ‘It’s not rocket science, but apparently he managed to mess up big time and dyed all his white shirts pink. And then – get this! – he had to iron them and it took him nearly three hours, when you could have done them for him in one.’

  She chuckled. ‘I wish I could have been a fly on the wall.’

  ‘That ought to make him appreciate all you did for us, something I realised after I got married because Linda says she didn’t marry the house, so we share all the jobs.’

  He was trying to distract her, she knew, so she asked bluntly, ‘Steve didn’t send any message at all?’

  ‘’Fraid not. I don’t think he appreciates how good a mother you’ve been to us. He’s a selfish sod, always has been. Even worse
than Dad. Sorry, Ma, but he is.’

  ‘Nothing to be sorry about. You’re only telling the truth.’ But whether it was true or not, her eyes had filled with tears.

  ‘You are all right there, aren’t you, Ma?’

  ‘I’m fine. I’ve made friends with a couple of neighbours and I’m going out for my first English pub meal tonight.’

  ‘That’s good. Um …’

  As the silence dragged on, she said, ‘What else is there? Out with it.’

  ‘Dad came round wanting to know where you were. He got really angry when I wouldn’t give him your address or new phone number.’

  ‘If you tell him anything, I’m never speaking to you again.’

  ‘No need to be so sharp, Ma. I don’t actually know anything except your phone number and I’ve not shared that with anyone, not even Steve and Nick. Why won’t you give us your street address?’

  ‘To save myself being put in prison. If your father turned up on my doorstep one day, I might have to murder him – and I’d definitely murder whoever gave the address to him.’

  He laughed. ‘Well, as long as we can phone or email you, we’ll be able to keep in touch. It’s not as if any of us will be able to visit the UK. You’ve earned your freedom, Ma. Go for it.’

  ‘Thanks, love. Give my best to Linda.’

  It was good that Robbie had cared enough to phone her, but even the mention of Craig was enough to irritate her. She really should be over getting annoyed by him, but somehow the memories of their time together still upset her.

  She wasn’t happy about Steve, either. Ungrateful brat! He needed to grow up. She should have been much stricter with him. But Craig had often undermined her authority with the boys so it had been hard going at times.

  And Steve had always been the wayward one, in trouble at school, struggling at college.

  Nick had been much easier to bring up, a gentle lad who took life as it came and often calmed his younger brother down.

  Only, well, Steve was still her son and she worried about him. He was the one with the least common sense, even now. Surely he’d come round after a while, get his act together and get in touch with her?