Diary of an Assistant Mistress

by Teri Power

  She soon changed the subject to talk about two friends of hers. Since a routine lecture about the consequences of taking lifts from strangers they have taken to coming in to school early so that they can walk away from the school and hitch lifts from strangers.

  In an apparently unrelated remark she then mentioned that her mother's boyfriend is now "definitively" out of the picture. She then made some fairly coarse remarks about him and then she shut up very suddenly with a gesture - an imperious turning of the head - which seemed reminiscent of one of her mother's but was rather spoilt by her acne I felt.

  So what am I to make of all this? I have set it down to clarify it and I still find it puzzling. Is she hinting that Daniel (her mum's occasional paramour) screwed her and that she used the whole business of the pregnancy test to send him running scared without having him locked up ... or is that just what she would like me to think - she has a liking for self-dramatization.

  Was the story about her two friends true? If she wanted to get them in trouble she would have told somebody else. Or was she just putting me off the scent?

  * * *

  Saturday 16th January

  Today I started work on National Cur Standard Attainment Tests for Lower School. I thought profiles were a pain in the ass - I was underestimating the amount of barbed-wire loo paper the powers-that-be could fling at us. It is not very surprising that teachers are leaving the profession faster than nuns from an orgy.

  Teaching has been almost entirely supplanted by paper-work. Speaking of paper-work, my fourth year IT class produced a special mock-up newspaper for me yesterday suggesting what I would do if I became prime minister and suggesting also that they realised that I needed cheering up. They are not a very bright lot in many ways but they have many endearing qualities.

  I discussed Emma's situation with James and he suggests that it is none of my business now that it is clear that Emma is not "in the club". This got us on to the subject of euphemisms for pregnancy which in turn got us on to euphemisms for sex which in turn ... do I have to draw a diagram?

  * * *

  Sunday 17th January

  George and Edie for dinner. George was full of annoyance with Oz, who has been off for two days with a bug of some sort. George of course is never ill and assumes that anyone who is off is skiving - doubly so if George has to cover.

  George and Edie only had eyes for each other. More precisely, Edie was wearing a short skirt and George spent the whole time looking at her legs. They look like perfectly ordinary, rather muscular legs to me but for George they are obviously a source of considerable joy. I wonder why she wears white socks all the time.

  James has made some totally prurient suggestions about the above and he then produced a blindfold he wanted me to wear. I think ƒbNine and a Half Weeks has a lot to answer for. I consented to the blindfold - anything is better than the policewoman's uniform again - the effect is rather similar to having the lights out. I warned him there would be dire consequences if I heard anything remotely like an ice-cube clinking.

  * * *

  Monday 18th January

  A Monday like any other Monday, full of exhortations to my fifth years to at least produce some coursework so I will have something to mark; exhortations to my third years to listen to each other with their ears instead of their mouths and exhortations to the Interactive Video to stop flickering and start working. All about equally effective.

  To round off this perfect day we had a department meeting. Oz the all-powerful had no real reason for calling the meeting except that it was on the timetable of meetings for the year and so we had to have a meeting. I was sitting opposite George and because, of course, Edie is not a member of our department he spent his time looking at my legs. There is not much I could do about this - wear a longer skirt I suppose, but I could hardly pop out during the meeting and slip into something more comfortable.

  Nothing of any consequence was discussed at this meeting, in fact even as I write I cannot clearly remember what was discussed. This is a little unfortunate because I am supposed to take the minutes. There was a lengthy discussion on whether it was a good idea to hold meetings when we had nothing to discuss. Oz remained loyally silent, George spoke at some length and Clair made the suggestion that we should all go home and just submit minutes to Snooksie the Head suggesting that some worthy discussion of the National Cur had occurred. I hazarded a guess at who would end up doing the fictional minutes, but I can hardly minute that. I will think of something.

  The curse has come upon me, in much the same way as it came upon the Lady of Shallott. Of course this means that James will be wanting oral sex again

  * * *

  Monday 18th January continued

  I was right, the bugger did want oral sex again. Still, the noun I just applied to him reminds me that it could be worse.

  * * *

  Tuesday 19th January

  Torquemada again approached me about the assembly on the "Thaird Wairld" and if a combination of being downright rude and a simple negative do not convince him then I do not know what will.

  I did ƒbLochinvar with my first years and got them to write modern versions of the story. I think the most interesting of these were the one in which Ellen uses Lochinvar as an excuse to get out of an arranged marriage and ditches him at the first opportunity and the one in which it is Ellen who turns up at the registry office on a Kowasaki and rides off with Lochinvar into the sunset. Some of the boys had him wasting the entire wedding party with a sub-machine gun.

  After school I had some volunteers moving the desks in my room. This only serves to emphasise the fact that no matter how I reorganise the furniture the room is too damned small.

  James wanted *guess what* again tonight but I was firm with him. Then he was firm with me and when we had finished role playing he negotiated a very quick wank on sole condition that he keep his hands to himself. Naturally he suggested that I tie him up but I insisted that this would not be necessary.

  While I was performing this service - which would have cost him twenty quid elsewhere - and he was about to come; he broke the agreement by grabbing one of my breasts. I reminded him that the law now recognises marital rape and in any case - oops - it was too late now and here's a hanky.

  * * *

  Wednesday 20th January

  I am beginning to like Wednesdays because I have no free periods and I know I can't be clobbered for cover. All teachers hate covering lessons. My own pet hates are drama - because the pupils always try it on and I have to start from basics and teach the first lesson for drama classes which consists largely of "You have to take your shoes off and work in bare feet otherwise the floor gets as dirty as you can see it has got because somebody else didn't which in turn means that your feet are going to get dirty ..." - and RE where Torquemada always has extensive wordprocessed notes on what he wants done - "How the Communists persecute Christians", "What nice white Christians are doing to combat leprosy among poor black heathens" and "The lessons of Saint Egbert for today."

  Apart from my "who lumbered me with this group" third years, I have first and second years today which means that they are usually more enthusiastic and so am I. There are times when I forget the paperwork and endless meetings that teaching is all about and just revel in the classroom work which is tagged on as a sort of reward.

  NUT meeting. This consisted of the chairman, treasurer and myself. They promptly made me secretary which means, of course, that I have to keep the minutes. I took notes of the discussion this time. It mainly consisted of advice from Region about what the LEA were going to do to us and very good reasons why we could not do anything about it. I often think that the NUT membership will never rise again after the defeat of our last program of "rolling strikes" in the eighties which ended by the unions rolling over and playing dead.

  If James wants me to suck his cock, he can damned well do it himself. I only undertake to applaud if he succeeds.

  * * *

  Thursday 21st
January

  Today is the day on which I have two of my "who lumbered me with this group" third year classes. I have started an autobiography project with them and collected in the first chapters for marking today. Jesus wept!

  Jane has obviously heeded my warning that bad things will happen if she fails to produce any written work and I reproduce part of her contribution as I received it:-

  Tell me, o blessed National Cur, shall I tackle her sentence structure or her spelling first?

  They don't all live lives like Jane (I am not ruling out the notion that she fantasizes) but many are equally grim in their own way. Take James Redbarn,

  "I was born in Manchester and my real dad lives there. My mum and her boyfriend split up and I live with Mr and Mrs Redbarn who are very kid. When I am older I will live with my real dad. My worst time was in Scoresdale (a council holding centre for children likely to abscond - TN) where it was Mordor."

  I told James I had a headache and he asked if this meant I didn't want sex. I said of course it did and he said, "Why didn't you say so?"

  * * *

  Friday 22nd January

  On Friday I have a double free period in the afternoon. Now Friday afternoon is the time when both teachers and pupils are probably at their worst and least likely to concentrate. My timetable is OK otherwise, first and second years and a well-motivated Information Technology fourth year, so all depends on whether I have the free period or get clobbered for cover.

  Today was a good day. I completed the third year marking. One of the girls wrote about her father indecently assaulting her and her mother being unable to do anything about it because she is too busy making a video of the proceedings, but I happen to know this is a wind-up because I overheard Melissa discussing what she would write in a fit of giggles with Helen (unless Melissa is double bluffing).

  NUT School Meeting in the main staffroom. George was re-elected school rep and Lord High Panjandrum. I have been promoted from General Dogsbody to Field Marshal Dogsbody (from Minutes Secretary to Secretary according to the minutes) and we have finally succeeded in replacing the treasurer with someone who can count. The minutes will record a vote of thanks to the outgoing treasurer and will not record the blood and snot we had to wade through to remove the old bat.

  Took home a briefcase full of marking: which is not to say it will actually get marked at any time.

  * * *

  Saturday 23rd January

  Shopping at Safeways. I see Malcolm has got a job there now. I only hope he isn't handling any fresh food. He complained to me about the old ladies who hang around the shop all day waiting for goods to reach their use-by dates so they can pick them up cheap. I suppose it is cheaper than heating their own homes.

  I was half way through typing up the minutes for the NUT when my C64 went on the blink. I took it straight around to the computer repair centre in the High Street where they tried to persuade me I need an AT (costing about ten times as much as the C64) which can run industry standard software.

  Since even the school cannot afford ATs I tried to persuade them to repair the C64 which they cannot do - they claim "Yer can't get the chips, love." which is a little odd because Dell are still selling this machine new and don't tell potential buyers that it is unrepairable.

  I then tried a backstreet repairer in Crawley who apparently can get the chips, the high street shop were really interested in selling ATs not repairing micros. The round trip to Crawley took up most of the rest of the day but I was able to watch Derek repairing the C64 which was not only educational but made sure that it was done right away.

  The curse is more or less lifted so it was back to normal with James and Victor, except that poor old Victor experienced a total battery failure which was a shame but quite funny. It was also good for James's ego because his batteries were still full of juice.

  * * *

  Sunday 24th January

  Nothing happened. Twice.

  There is a story in the paper in which a fiftysomething male teacher tries to explain a naked 14 year old girl in his wardrobe to a suspicious wife. This must have taxed his inventiveness a bit. How about: She missed a homework and this is a punishment...or... It's a project on old furniture and she wanted to keep her clothes clean or perhaps Well I was shagging her and we thought you might be upset

  If he goes to prison he will find out all about the further reaches of sex I expect.

  * * *

  Monday 25th January

  This morning the notice board had a list of forthcoming assemblies and guess what? I am now down to do an assembly on Christian Aid. Shall I

  a) change it to an assembly on Christians and Aids?

  b) Talk about Sabra and Chatilah - where Christian militiamen gave aid to Palestinian women and children with machine guns?

  c) Go ahead and do the assembly straight (no!)

  Of course both (a) and (b) are simply ways of handing in my notice but (c) is out of the question. I wish someone other than George was our NUT rep because I am going to need official support if I am going to stop doing assemblies altogether.

  After all, the law now insists that assemblies should be "wholly or mainly Christian" and I am not "wholly or mainly Christian" so I fail to see why I should participate.

  I have put my views in writing to Torquemada and made two copies which George and myself now have. I discussed the whole thing with George and he was as supportive as someone with considerable personal ambition can be.

  * * *

  Tuesday 26th January

  In my pigeon hole this morning there was a lengthy wordprocessed memo from Torquemada in which he (who is not my head of department, nor my superior, except in the sense of being white and male!) instructs me to take the assembly on Christian Aid because it is not possible for him to change his schedule now.

  I have dissuaded George from contacting the Regional NUT office because we both know that they would tell us that we can do nothing, should do nothing, must do nothing for the honour of the Profession we love.

  I met Torquemada at break in the staffroom and told him that when the white man came to Africa we owned all the land and he had the Bible, now he owns all the land and we have the Bible. He retorted, "I thought you weren't Efrican." and swept off.

  We have an appointment to see the Head after school tomorrow.

  I took the precaution of seeing Peter, the head's eyes and ears, after school in his office. He took the opportunity to ask me to sort out a networking problem they are having with their computers; a consultant would have done a better job but cost a few k. I casually raised the question of the law relating to assemblies his face darkened considerably and he assumed a perplexed expression. He could not remember "any of the lads dodging Church Parade" when he was an RAF officer and he knew "a very dim view" would have been taken of it by the "powers that be" - yes he really does talk that way!

  He knew that Olive (he is the only person who refers to Mrs Snooks by her first or Christian name) thought that all her staff were good Christians really whatever faiths they may privately profess.

  * * *

  Thursday 28th January

  Today I confiscated a packet of cigarettes from Simon. I handed them over to the head of year in accordance with our current policy (circular 1234/5, I expect). Simon insisted that since the cigarettes were bought with his mum's money, she had to have them back. He must have gone home at lunchtime because this afternoon she rang up to demand her cigarettes back.

  I was about to add "at least he's only pinching money from his mum instead of shoplifting" when it struck me that (a) I don't know if it is better and (b) he could be doing both for all I know.

  * * *

  Friday 29th January

  I received a summons to the presence of the Head this morning, which meant I was "in a stress" periods 1 to 4 and I had to see her on my own because my union rep was teaching period 5. She didn't want me to have to stay after school on a Friday, which was very considerate of her except that I ha
ve bus duty this Friday and I could miss it just once!

  She said that there had been ƒbcomplaints, then that there had been ƒbcomments from parents. When questioned, she eventually produced the two letters. The wording was practically identical.

  I was "indoctrinating" their children. I was unfit to teach by reason of my "godless immorality". I had referred to the PE department as "God's own Gestapo". (I assume they mean the RE department and I didn't).

  She then asked me if I had been teaching my pupils atheism, communism and homosexuality (!) and I asked her why the two letters were identical.

  She asked me to give an undertaking not to teach my pupils communism, anarchism and sodomy and I asked her why the two letters were identical.

  She hoped she had made it clear that the school was no place to propagate republicanism, free love and anti-fascism. I asked her who had dictated the letters. The remarks they attribute to me were ones I may well have made to Torquemada in private conversation but not in my lessons; the style is also like his (but perhaps all Methodists write like that).

  Later I said that I would sue both these parents for libel and that if she repeated any of their allegations I would see her in court. I then started a diatribe about the massacres at Sabra and Chatilah and the Pope's support for Hitler's invasion of Russia. Fortunately I said all this sotto voce in the loo immediately after the interview and before my Information Technology lesson.

  We have a right to miss prayers - but "God help us" if we exercise it! I did not see Torquemada in the staffroom today. Perhaps it is just as well. It was only when I got home that I realised I had skipped bus duty.