Snow White: A Survival Story

by Anna J.

  Journey Clayton

  Pinky Swear

  When my uncle called and told me that Khalid was on his way around to chill with me, I couldn’t believe it. Vince never let me have company, because he didn’t want people to know about my mom, but I wasn’t about to question him on why he changed his mind today. I made sure everything was in place, and I pulled out some microwave popcorn so that we could watch a movie. I was so excited about seeing Khalid, because I hadn’t seen him since before the snowstorm began, when he got in trouble.

  When he got there, he seemed a little upset about something, but I didn’t want to question him in front of my uncle. I graciously took the food that he offered from the corner store, and somewhat rushed Vince out of the house so that we could finally catch up.

  “Khalid, I am so happy to see you,” I said to him with a wide smile on my face while we embraced. He hugged me back just as tight, and then we sat down to eat and catch up.

  “I’m going to kill your uncle one of these days,” he said to me between bites of his food.

  I had to pause and look at him, not believing my ears. He looked beyond pissed. I had never seen him like this before.

  “Why you say that?” I asked him, curious as to what brought on these thoughts. I had yet to confide in him about what was going on with me and Vince and my mother’s situation, so something else must have gone down to cause his ill feelings toward my uncle. Not that I was opposed to Vince being killed, but I still had things to get from him, and I wasn’t ready for him to die just yet. I hated Vince more than anyone, because I couldn’t understand why he treated me like he did. Him being murdered wouldn’t be all that bad, but then I would be forced into foster care. I was torn between wanting him gone and maybe just dealing with the shit to stay free.

  “He’s sleeping with my mom behind my dad’s back, and my mom acts like I don’t know what’s going on.”

  Once again, I was left speechless. Khalid went ahead and told me about Vince’s visit over there the other day, and although he didn’t see the actual sexual act, he heard it, and when Vince left, he was standing in the hallway. He was mad because his mom made him go back into his room and threatened to beat his ass if he told his father Vince was there. Apparently this had been going on for a while, because from what Khalid told me, Vince wasn’t the only one from the crew that visited his mother’s bedroom.

  “Say it ain’t so, Khalid,” was my only response. I couldn’t believe everything he just told me.

  “Oh, it’s so. My mom’s a ho.”

  I felt bad for Khalid. I had no idea his mom got down like that, and I knew if that shit got out, it would be over for him at school. I was worse off, though. My mom was a junkie dying from AIDS, and I had to keep that secret bottled up in me so that no one would find out. Something told me I could trust Khalid, though, and I tossed the idea back and forth about whether I should tell him. We were in similar situations, and I figured maybe we could help each other through these tough times. We honestly didn’t have anyone else we could depend on.

  “Your secret is safe with me, Khalid. I won’t tell anyone,” I said to him, holding out my pinky so that he could connect his with mine.

  “Pinky swear?” he said to me upon connection.

  “Pinky swear,” I said back to him before we continued to eat our food.

  I thought briefly about the stuff Toya told me about boys, and I decided that Khalid was trustworthy. After all, I was going to be his wife one day, so I didn’t want to have any secrets between us. He had just dropped some heavy shit on me about his mom, but what I was going to show him was way over the top, and I wasn’t sure if he could handle it.

  “I don’t want any secrets between us, Khalid. I want us to always be best friends,” I said to him as I tried to find a way to share my most intimate secret with him. Well, not the most, because I still didn’t have the heart to tell him about me and Vince’s agreement, but my mom was just as heavy a secret as any.

  “Forever and ever,” he said to me and we embraced again.

  “Okay, there’s something I need to show you. I just need to know that you’ll ride with me through anything.”

  Instead of responding, he took the last bite of his sandwich into his mouth and stood up, grabbing my hand, so that I could show him my big secret. Taking a look at the clock again, I saw that it was time to give my mom her next shot, and I couldn’t procrastinate any longer. If I didn’t give my mom her shots on time, she started to shake uncontrollably, and that only made it harder for me to find a vein. I didn’t want to show him all the gruesome details right away, but I decided I might as well get it over with.

  I took a few minutes to gather everything I needed, and I ushered him into my mother’s bedroom so that he could see what was really going on around here. He seemed afraid and opted to stand by the door. I went on and took care of my business like he was not even there.

  I was talking to my mom in the process, introducing her to Khalid and just having a general one-sided conversation, because she had the glazed look. By the time I was finished cooking up her fix and injecting it, she was already in a nod.

  Khalid looked like he was ready to jet up out of there, and for the first time, I thought just maybe I showed him a little too much too soon. Him having a ho for a mom is one thing, and his dad being a drug dealer is something else, but for him to see drug use and the effects of it up close and personal could be a bit much for the average child to take in. I hadn’t been average in over a year.

  I had mixed emotions now that I’d opened myself up to him. How would I cope if he rolled out on me? When I said I had no one to turn to, I was dead serious. I was isolated from my mother’s family years ago when she first started showing signs of being strung out, and my dad’s family never liked my mom, so they stayed clear as well. The only person that ever stepped in was Vince, and he had his own wicked reasons why he came through, so I was left ass out completely. Khalid was like a light in the darkness that surrounded my very being, and now it was possible that I might be back in the dark again.

  He stayed glued to the door jamb while I cleaned up, and shortly after I tucked my mom in, he left the room. I walked into the living room with my head down, not sure what I should say at this point. That was the real, no chaser, and either he was going to stick around for it, or he was going to jet. I liked Khalid a lot, but if I had to choose, it would be my mom. She was all I had for the time being.

  He had this strange look on his face that I couldn’t read. I didn’t know if my showing him how I was really living was a good idea, but it would come out eventually, so what choice did I have? This was me, the real me, and he was either going to accept it or he wasn’t.

  He was sitting on the couch by the door, looking like he was contemplating staying or going. Back stiff, hands in his lap, and a blank look on his face was all the emotion he showed. Even when I sat down next to him, he seemed stuck, didn’t budge. We sat there in silence for a little while longer, because I was scared to ask him how he felt. This kind of stuff was out of horror movies. It wasn’t supposed to be happening in real life, but it was. My life.

  I didn’t really know how to read him at this point. He might have wanted to leave or something and just didn’t know how to say it.

  “Journey, I had no idea you was going through all this. Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked, looking like he was batting back tears. There were a lot of things I wanted to tell him but couldn’t. Some things I might not ever be able to share.

  “We’ve only been kicking it for a little while. I didn’t know if we had that type of bond just yet.”

  He sat there contemplating his next statement for a little while longer, and I hoped to God I did the right thing. Khalid was the only person I had to talk to besides my mother, because Lord knows Vince was an asshole and didn’t give a damn about anyone but himself.

  “Journey, look at me,” he said, turning my face toward his.

  I felt like I was going to cry;
I just didn’t know what I was crying for. I’d been in this situation for so long that I was immune to any other feelings besides when it came to my mom. I gave my all to keeping my mother alive and staying alive myself. So many days I felt like I wanted to off both of us, so me and my mom wouldn’t have to suffer anymore, but I learned in school that suicide sent you straight to the basement, and I didn’t necessarily want to spend an eternity in hell either. Many days I wondered if being in hell would be better than the hell I was forced into here on earth, but I knew God only gave you what you could handle. I just didn’t know how much longer I could handle it. Vince made sure of that, often saying he had to toughen me up for the streets because the streets didn’t give a damn about a little girl who had a mom that was dying.

  “I love you, Journey. Since the first time I saw you in class back in second grade, I knew you were going to be the one. We’re in this together, okay?”

  I was struck stupid. Has he been noticing me for that long? I had already been going to Evelyn Graves for two years before Khalid showed up, but he didn’t seem to notice me until now. It was like I was invisible all of these years.

  I shook my head like I understood what he was saying, but we would soon see if he was really ready to ride with me on this. I couldn’t tell him just yet how things were between Vince and me because I still couldn’t believe it myself, but one of these days, I would have to spill the beans. I honestly didn’t think he could handle any more of my secrets today anyway. Or maybe he could, but could I trust him with knowing how Vince treated me? Could I tell him what my mouth had really experienced and we’ve already kissed? It was too painful for me to speak about, and I didn’t think I could tell him without breaking down.

  I sat closer to him on the couch so that we could watch some television before it was time for him to leave. I didn’t know how long he was going to be able to stay, but I enjoyed him for as long as I could. We stretched out on the floor and watched The Power Rangers, and he pretended he was the green ranger and I was the pink one. Pokémon was one of our favorites too. It felt so good having him there.

  I was going to call Vince to see how long he was going to let Khalid stay, but decided against it, because if I reminded him, he might just come and get him now. Instead, we went over some of the Bible verses that we had to learn in class, and he broke down the meanings for me, so that I could better understand them the way he did. We had children’s Bibles given to us by the school, but even then sometimes it was a little challenging to get a grasp on what was being said.

  It got dark fairly quickly, and I saw that it was almost eight o’clock and no one had come to check on him. I wondered briefly if he would be spending the night, but he didn’t bring any changing clothes that indicated he would, so I knew someone would come eventually.

  “Let me check on my mom,” I said to Khalid before we started going over math problems. My English skills were the bomb; I just couldn’t understand how angles were calculated and all that, but Khalid had it down pat, so I knew I would get it too. It was almost time to feed my mother as well for the night, so I would have to stop for a second to get her situated anyway.

  When I walked into the room, I was expecting to see her coming out of her nod and watching television, because she loved Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy. She looked strange from the door, but I couldn’t really tell because all I was working with was the glare from the boob tube. For some reason, I felt like something was wrong, and I was scared to get closer to find out. Opting to use the lamplight instead of the ceiling, I got closer to my mother’s bed so that I could see what was going on.

  I jumped back when I turned the light on, not believing my eyes. My mom’s eyes were rolled up into the back of her head, and all I could see were the whites of her eyes staring up at me. Her mouth was hanging wide open, with her tongue dangling out the side, and her skin looked gray. I didn’t want to believe it, but when I leaned over to touch her arm, her skin felt cold and clammy.

  “Please, Lord, don’t do this to me,” I said as I got up on the side of the bed and tried to prop my mother’s body up. She couldn’t be dead. I laid my head down on her chest to listen to her heart, and there wasn’t a sound coming from her. I felt like the world was slowing down its rotation and we were coming to a screeching halt.

  “Khalid! Khalid, call my uncle!” I said through tears as I tried to think of a way to get her heart back to pumping. My mother was dead, and I couldn’t handle it.

  “Journey, what’s wrong?” Khalid asked as he ran to the bedroom door. I was in tears and could only see shadows. It felt like my heart would stop beating next, and I felt faint.

  “Khalid, call my uncle. Call Vince. My mom is not breathing.”

  He ran out of the room in search of my cell phone, and did as I asked. Vince instructed me that if something ever happened to my mother, I was to call him first, and he would call the ambulance once he got here. Khalid stood in the doorway and called my uncle’s phone what felt like a hundred times before he answered.

  I was crying hysterically by then, and all I could do was lay my head on my mother’s stomach and rock back and forth, hoping once someone got here they would have time to save her. She couldn’t be dead. Not right now. Not when I needed her the most.

  It took Vince over half an hour to come to the crib, and by the time he got there, both Khalid and myself were crying and exhausted, not knowing what our next move should be. Vince was cursing up a storm and pushing us out of the room, and Khalid had to practically drag me out of the room by my feet because I refused to budge. Because of the storm, it took the ambulance just as long to get to where we were, and by the time they investigated the situation, my mother was pronounced dead.

  Khalid sat and held me in the living room, my body shaking hard from all the crying I was doing. The ambulance drivers were not allowed to move the body until the coroner got there, and by then, everybody was out on the block to see what was going on. I didn’t know where Mr. Joey was at. Even Choice and Bird were outside, but I couldn’t have cared less at this point. As I listened to Vince fabricate a story about what happened to my mom for the police, I zoned out, trying to keep from going crazy.

  My mother was all I had, and I was cool until they brought her body out of the room inside of a big black bag. I heard one of the EMTs say they had to peel her body from the bed because her flesh was stuck to it from all of the leaking sores she had all over it. The nurse that came here was supposed to dress all of her open wounds, but because of her illness, they weren’t healing properly.

  I watched them as they wheeled my mother out the door, and I said a silent goodbye to her and a prayer, because I knew Vince wouldn’t do the right thing and bury her properly. This was my life, and for the first time, I was unsure about what tomorrow would bring.

  Vincent Clayton

  A Change of Plans

  I swear shit happens at the most inopportune times. Why did this bitch have to go and die? Now I was gonna have to go down to child welfare and all that bullshit so they wouldn’t put Journey’s ass away in foster care. Shit, I needed her to cook this good product up, so she couldn’t be put away. No one did the shit like she did. The only thing was now I ain’t have nobody to test the shit out on, so I guess I’d have to keep giving away these freebies every so often to keep the shit poppin’.

  I saw Journey crying on the couch, but I didn’t bother to offer her any comfort. People die every day, and life goes on, so what was the tears about? Her ass would die one day, too, so she needed to get over it. Nobody was promised tomorrow, and that’s a life lesson in itself.

  Khalid looked at me like he hated me, but that little nigga was the least of my concerns. If he had an issue with the way shit was, he needed to talk to his damn daddy about that.

  “Journey, let me talk to you for a minute,” I said to her once the body was finally out of the house and things had settled down. Joey wasn’t answering his phone, so Khalid was chilling until I was ready to take him arou
nd to his house. I started to let the little nigga walk by himself since he kept giving me the grizzly, but I knew Joey wouldn’t do Journey like that, so I let him chill.

  I waited for her to come into her mother’s room while I cleaned out all of the product and money I had stashed in the house. I didn’t know if child protective services would do a thorough search of the place, and I didn’t need anything compromising my situation. We had money to make. I had Journey discard the works she used to fix her mother too. I’m not sure how much of an autopsy would be performed, but I didn’t need any evidence lying around.

  She came in looking like it was the end of the world for her, but by the time I was done with her, she wouldn’t have a care in the world for anybody. Out in the streets, it’s survival of the fittest, and your feelings could cost you your life at any given moment. A man that hesitates to pull the trigger is a dead nigga. That’s the way the game is played.

  “What’s wrong with your face? Why are you looking like that?” I asked her after she took a seat on the edge of her mom’s bed. You could still smell the stench of pus and dried blood coming from the bed, where they had to peel her body from the sheets. The health care worker that was supposed to be taking care of my sister-in-law would be coming out later to dispose of everything properly, so that no one would get sick. I already had plans to turn this room into a lab so that Journey wouldn’t have to work out in the open on the kitchen table when she was cooking up product.

  She didn’t bother to respond, but her body shook slightly from the tears she was shedding, and it was getting on my damn nerves. I could go for some head at this moment to calm my damn nerves, but with the boy here and her all upset, I wouldn’t even be able to enjoy the bullshit. I honestly didn’t know what to say to her. My parents died from the same shit I hustled, so I didn’t have anyone to teach me right from wrong. I had to just make shit fit the way I needed it to be.