by Audrina Lane
“Hi Stephanie, your secret admirer is up early this morning” he said
“Good job I was or I would have missed it” I replied.
“Do you want to send a response in song?” Paul asked
“Yes can you play “Who are you” by The Who and see if you get a text or anything back” I replied
“Will do Steph, I’ve got to go now so I’ll see you later” Paul finished.
“Bye Paul” I finished, enjoying the final strains Prince. Then I listened to his spiel before the song I responded with played.
By the time Charlotte appeared I was on my second cup of coffee and already had my laptop out as I continued to plan my lunchtime show, a secret smile
played over my face. It felt great to be flirting over the airwaves and even if I never got to meet my mystery man he was certainly speaking to me in my language. Charlie grabbed her mug and some toast and sat down opposite me
“So what’s on your agenda today?” I asked.
“Usual at college and then more dance practice, we’re getting our costumes fitted tonight too and I can’t wait”
“Sounds good, do you know which hotel Mitchell and his family are staying in for the finals so we can book in at the same one” I asked.
“I’ll check” Charlie said, reaching for her mobile to send a text. Moments later a reply appeared on the screen and I watched a smile spread over her face.
“They are booked into the Ibis Mum, Mitch asked if it’s ok with you can I stay in his room?” she asked, shyly.
“Well it will save me some money” I replied “Yes that’s fine with me” I finished, watching as she quickly dropped a text back and waited for the reply which was almost instant. I noticed the blush spread over her face and smiled. I soon found the hotel online and booked a room for Sarah and Chris and one for me too.
“Do you want to see the routine we did to I’ve had the time of my life?” Charlotte asked me, as she hopped off the stool and headed round the kitchen island to where I was sitting
“Yes please” I replied, and while she pulled up her emails I poured us both another coffee and sat back down. When I had watched it through I pulled her close.
“That was fabulous, almost like watching the real thing” I said, dropping a kiss on Charlie’s forehead.
“I know, I just hope we get chosen to perform it while the judges are making their decision” Charlotte replied.
“When will you find out?” I asked.
“Friday night so if we get chosen we will be able to practice this weekend too” she breathed, as it played again and she studied it intently “There are some bits I know I can improve on” she finished. I looked at the clock.
“You’d better get changed or Julia will be waiting for you” I said, as she clicked the emails off and headed back upstairs to change. Once she had left for college I showered and changed and drove to work.
Over in his kitchen James leaned against the counter and listened to “The most beautiful girl in the world” he had been onto the radio station website and seen what looked like a fairly recent photograph of Stephanie. She had hardly changed, well apart from the sad faraway gaze to her eyes. He wanted desperately to change that look, to once again see the love in her beautiful blue eyes. The eyes that he had spent many a moment staring into and marvelling at the reflection of love that was sent back to him. Even the last time he had seen her, she couldn’t hide her feelings for him. He had been so wrong to hurt her like he did and even worse to lie about it, would she ever forgive him? All he knew was that he at least had to apologise and then try to move on from there. He smiled when the DJ played a song back to him “Who are you” a good classic choice. Stephanie had obviously not given it a thought that it could be him and was flirting back.
I headed through the studio doors and waved a hand at Paul still in the studio and motioned that I would put a brew on for us. He still had half an hour to go so I sat down and munched on a biscuit, still thinking about my mystery man. I had been careful to check for anyone lurking outside the studio but nothing unusual there. Whoever he was I would wait and see if the next requested song would give me any clues. My show went smoothly and then I handed over to Ian and headed home.
Charlie breezed through the door at around six brandishing her three different outfits for the competition, including a wig.
“Would you like to see them on?” she asked
I shook my head “I’d rather wait till the big event now, keep something as a surprise” I said, smiling “Hungry?” I asked.
“Yes, famished” Charlie said, heading for the stairs and the shower
“Ok I’ll heat us up some of the chilli I made the other weekend” I said.
“Cool Mum, I won’t be long” and with that she headed upstairs to hang up all her outfits ready for the finals. She couldn’t wait, but in the meantime she had some serious reading to do after tea.
I gave Sarah a call when Charlie abandoned me for her bedroom and we arranged to meet for late lunch tomorrow after my radio show. I was desperate to talk to her about my secret admirer just in case she might know who it was. Upstairs Charlie flopped onto her bed and took back the diary again and started to read
Saturday 26th November, 1988
I woke up to the patter of rain on my window and considered how apt this was as it matched my mood. I had breakfast and then cleaned my room, I listened to Wham but even their cheery tunes didn’t lighten the mood. I wore my favourite dress and made sure that I looked as lovely as possible so that James would not be able to resist. All of a sudden I heard his car pull up in the driveway and I headed downstairs to meet him, feeling suddenly nervous and afraid. Yet as soon as our eyes met I was sure that his feelings for me had not changed as he managed a small smile when he saw me.
After making us a coffee we headed upstairs to my room and I put George Michael on the record player, both as background music and to hopefully remind James of all the good times we had shared. He stood looking out of my window into the dark sky beyond so I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his waist. He remained motionless so I went up on tip toes so that I could softly breathe on his neck.
“I don’t think I should be here” he said softly.
“But you are here and I need you” I replied, as he turned to face me at last. I saw the sorrow and regret in his blue eyes, turning them from vibrant and bright to dull and clouded. The tears had already started to form in my eyes as the first one made its way over the skin of my cheek.
James reached out and wiped it away with his finger.
“Please don’t cry this is hard enough as it is” he whispered, his voice breaking as more tears stained his finger tips. I didn’t let him say anymore as my lips found his and kissed him until he gave in and kissed me back. His lips were hard and urgent as they pressed into my softness and he soon had me pinned against the bedroom wall, his breath ragged with desire. My hands pulled his jumper off and then his t-shirt so that I could drag my nails gently over his chest; he shuddered and moaned under my touch. Then I reached down for his belt buckle and released it so that I could pull his jeans to the ground.
Looking up at him from my kneeling position I saw tears falling from his eyes. Did this mean he was sorry, would this mean we would be back together? I didn’t stop as my hands ran up his firm thighs and to his boxer shorts. There his hands grabbed mine and pulled me all the way up before he let go and grabbed the hem of my dress and pulled it off in a single move. I had deliberately worn the black underwear from the night of the dance and our first night as lovers. His hands ran over the satin fabric, catching my nipples beneath that had already sprung up to meet his touch. He reached round and released the catch and as my bra fell from my shoulders his head bent and his mouth was on them, teasing, pulling, and sucking. I arched my head backwards and shook my hair out from its hair band so that it fell loose and tickled my back.
Running my hands down his back I went below the waist band of his boxer shorts and edged them lower so t
hey fell to the floor. My hand found his hardness and I longed to take him in my mouth but he was now in charge. He picked me up and carried me the short distance to the bed and lay me down. I tried to reach out and pull him with me but he stepped beyond my grasp and then his fingers ran down my waist and over my hips to the satin knickers I wore. He pulled them off so that I was now naked as he knelt down and his tongue captured my wetness. I shuddered and came quickly before he lay down on top of me and was suddenly pushing into me. As he pounded me deeper into the covers of the bed I held him tight and gasped out his name as he came and I followed with mine. The tears still fell down my face as I held him close and whispered “I love you till the end of time”
James remained silent and then before I could say anything further he pulled away from me and sat slumped on the edge of my bed. I sat up too, unsure what I should do, but he turned to me and said.
“I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have done that”
“Don’t apologise, I’m not sorry, I know you still love me and you still desire me so why can’t we still be together?” I implored, reaching out my hands to him but then stopping and instead wrapping them around my shivering body.
“I’ve told you why it’s just not working for me”
“But we just made love together”
“No Steph, we just had sex”
“Is there someone else?” I asked.
“No” he replied, but he looked down as he said this so I couldn’t see the emotion on his face.
“I can move to be closer to you, we don’t have to live together or anything, we can take things slow, I just want to be with you……..Together Forever” my voice trailed off as sobs racked my body.
He looked up one final time and said
“Stephanie, I do love you but things are too complicated to explain. I will always hold a place in my heart for you but we can’t be together any longer”
He stood up and I watched as he pulled his clothes back on.
“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have come” he said, walking towards the door. He paused and looked back at me, naked and cold on the bed.
“You take my breath away” he said, sadness haunted his features before he was gone forever. I listened to the sound of his footsteps on the stairs and then eventually the roar of the engine. I jumped off the bed and crossed to my window to see the red mini disappearing into the distance and with it my whole life.
I looked around my room but all it held was memories so I grabbed my walkman and after getting dressed I left the house. I turned and saw my Mum’s puzzled face at the window but she let me go. I walked into town and although it was busy I still felt alone, past the Swimming Pool which just made me cry even more and then along the river bank. It was deserted as I found the bench we had shared when James had traced the heart on the palm of my hand. Sitting down I stared at all the other names written or engraved into the back of the bench, the heart was still there just like the day James had drawn it. I reached into my pocket and found the hankie that Mark had given me yesterday and tried to stem the tears that would not stop.
On the way back home I stopped in the Church yard and looked out over the horse shoe bend of the river. The song I was listening too struck a cord
“Never felt this way before, got to go it alone, oh, oh, oh, oh, destination unknown
Won’t be coming back this way gotta go it alone oh, oh, oh, oh, destination unknown”
I wished that I could just jump in the river and float off and away from my shattered dreams. I really didn’t know how I was going to be alone after all the time we had spent together. Especially as I didn’t want to be alone, I just wanted James but he didn’t want me.
Chapter 41
The tears were rolling down Charlotte’s cheeks just reading what her Mum had written. She hoped that when her Mum set eyes on James again next weekend the sparks would fly again and reunite them. She flicked through a few more pages of entries, some dates were just let blank, and some just had a miserable face drawn onto them.
Saturday 24th December, 1988
It’s Christmas Eve and usually a time of year that I enjoy, but not this year, not now that I am alone. After a lie in I headed to Hereford for my radio show, realising that at least I would be at home with my family unlike the many children who were spending it on a ward. It cheered me up to think that my music was reaching out to them, comforting them from the pain and trying to make being in hospital a fun time and not a sad time.
Jack was still trying to cheer me up as once I had let him know that I had split up from James he seemed to be trying so hard to fix me up with various friends and acquaintances. Even though I had told him that I needed space and time to recover, even though in my mind I knew that I would never recover; this was terminal. Before my show ended Mark popped his head in.
“Hi Jack, fancy a pint after work?” he said, he spotted me and continued.
“You can come too if you like Stephanie?”
“Sounds like a great idea” Jack said
“I’ll pass thanks I need to get home” I replied, knowing that my company would hardly be cheerful today.
“Ok catch you later Jack, have a good Christmas Steph” Mark finished.
“You know I believe that Mark quite likes you” Jack said, turning to me
“Get out, anyone would think you were cupid” I said.
“I might ask him later in the pub” Jack finished.
“Well carry on as you know my answer will be no” I finished, as I gave his arm a playful punch.
Once I was home I walked in to find an envelope on the hallway table for me, it looked like James’ handwriting so I opened it to find a Christmas card inside, nothing special, no girlfriend emblazoned on it. Not even a Love James at the bottom, just Fond Regards….what was fond regards supposed to mean? They were nothing but words on a page. I ripped it up and put it in the bin and then headed for the shower.
Even under the stream of water I couldn’t let go of my memories as I remembered the times we had spent soaping each other, giggling and laughing until the suds were everywhere. His fingers on my body, mine on his. I shook as the emotions filled my body and wished again that my life had turned out differently, that perhaps one day he would change his mind and come running back into my arms. As the shower spray fell on my face it was joined by more tears. Trying to be cheerful and normal all the time was really exhausting, all I wanted to do was climb into bed and go to sleep and wake up when everything felt better. Or better still not wake up at all. The darkness of my depression was like a stormy sea threatening to drown me at any moment if I stopped treading water.
Sunday 25th December, 1988 (Christmas Day)
My grandparents were staying for the weekend so it was great to wander down into the kitchen in the morning and find my Nan making the coffee and Gramps reading the newspaper.
“Morning love” Nan said “Merry Christmas” she finished as she reached over and dropped a kiss on my cheek.
“Is that gorgeous boyfriend of yours going to be here?” she asked
“No Nan, we split up, I thought Mum had told you” I replied
“He was such a nice young man” Nan finished, as Gramps looked up and just smiled at me
“It’s ok Steph, your Mum did tell her but she seems to forget things really quickly these days” Gramps said, before he returned to his paper.
The day passed in the usual manner, large roast dinner, the Queen’s speech, followed by presents from under the tree, a walk down the road and back before more food and a game of monopoly. When I could I left the rest of them downstairs and headed for the security of my room. I sat down on my bed and put the mix tape into the stereo it was kind of comforting and at the same time painful to listen too. But listen I did as the memories of the past year filled my head as I lay down and gave into them. I took out the letters from my drawer and re-read all of them, except the last one he had sent. It was all I could do to stop from crying but perhaps eventually all my tears w
ould dry up?
Saturday 31st December, 1988
Well it’s the last day of this year and what a year it has been. In most parts it has been the best year of my life and I should be looking forward but all I can do is remember the past and what I have lost. I am going out with Sarah, Chris, Jack and his new boyfriend Simon and also Mark. It has only been these guys who have kept me going since my break up with James in November. Everyone has been so kind so even though I don’t really feel like partying I am going to try my best to enjoy this evening and move on.
I headed down for breakfast and spotted a familiar cream envelope on the hallway desk and it was addressed to me and the writing looked like James’. We had agreed to stay friends but we had only managed a couple of letters since. I have struggled not to continually write the same things; that I still love him that I wanted him to come back to me but all to no avail. I grabbed the envelope and headed back upstairs. I still felt that excited buzz of anticipation that maybe he had changed his mind.
Carefully I opened the envelope and pulled out the thick card, as I did the St Christopher that I had given him slipped out and fell to the floor. It glinted in the weak sunlight that shone through the curtains and then I turned the card over and sank to the floor, as my legs crumpled beneath me. In my hand was a wedding invitation to the marriage of Felicity and James. I felt dizzy with grief as I just let go of my emotions and screamed and howled from the pain. I thought my heart had already left, the moment that James had driven away but the hole left now ached so much it was unbearable.
I must have lay on the floor of my bedroom for over an hour, the pain disabled me and the tears just kept rolling down my face as they soaked the carpet. Then Mum shouted that Sarah had arrived so I quickly gathered up the invitation and the necklace and pushed them under the pillow. I just had to get through tonight and then tomorrow I could break apart.