by Audrina Lane
“Hi Sarah” I said, trying to hide my red, puffy eyes. Being a true friend she just pulled me close and hugged me and let me cry some more.
“I know tonight is going to be hard for you but you never know it’s the start of a new year and perhaps you will be able to move on” she murmured softly.
“I know” I mumbled, clinging to my best friend like she was the only piece of driftwood in the swollen river of my tears.
Eventually she let me go and I headed for the bathroom to shower and wash my hair. Sarah put the radio on and filled the room with happy sounds and waited for me to return. I let Sarah tie my hair up and apply my make up as I had no feelings left in me at all; I was just an empty shell to be painted upon. Who would want me ever again? I thought as I looked into the mirror in front of me and saw my lifeless eyes staring back, my make up was a mask that I could hide behind all night. I slipped into a new dress that Mum had bought me for Christmas as it held no previous memories and then I sat on the bed whilst Sarah sorted her hair, dress and make up out.
“Steph, what’s it like when you don’t see someone every day?” she asked, as she sat down next to me on the bed.
“It fucking hurts like hell” I said “Why?”
“Chris is going into the army and leaves for basic training on the 2nd January” Sarah said “How am I going to cope?”
I bit my lip wanted to be sympathetic and tell her it would be ok but how could I? I was so jealous that she still had someone to love and care about whilst I was alone. Lost and abandoned.
But Sarah was my best friend and I knew that good friends were hard to find
“It will be difficult but just write letters and make plans for when you are together and believe me the times when you are together keep you going through the times when you are apart” I said, reaching over and squeezing her hand.
“We’re going to have a great time tonight” she said
“The best” I said, trying to inject some enthusiasm into my lifeless voice.
“Come on then” she said pulling me up as Wham’s ‘Wake me up before you go-go’ came over the speakers as we danced around the room and for a brief moment I felt alive again.
We heard Chris’ car pull up in the driveway and after a final application of lipstick we were on our way into town to meet the others for drinks before we hit the club. The town was buzzing and I tried to hide my pain behind a smile. Jack grabbed my hand as soon as we joined them and propelled me off to meet his new man Simon. Mark soon joined us and offered a round at the bar as we all got infected with the end of year vibe. Then after a few different bars we met up with other friends who tagged onto our group as we headed to the club.
Once in the club I ducked into the ladies and spent ten minutes sat in a cubicle so that the tears that I had been holding back could fall again
“Steph, Steph are you ok?” I heard Sarah shouting.
“Yes I’m ok” I sniffed “I’ll be out in a second” I finished, as I wiped the tears away and came back out into the open.
“This club is pumping tonight” Sarah said, grabbing my hand and propelling me through the crowds and onto the dance floor. I let the beat flow through my body and closed my eyes and danced until I was exhausted. After a quick break Jack pulled me back onto the floor with him as we giggled and laughed together as we danced.
Then as the clock ticked down to midnight it was impossible for our group to be on the dance floor so we joined hand around our table and did the count down and then Auld Lang Syne. After a few more pumping tunes the DJ changed to slower songs and suddenly I was left at the table with Mark.
“Would you like to dance?” he asked, extending his hand towards me.
“Ok” I replied, as he led me onto the floor and pulled me close. As he held me in his arms I thought about all the differences between Mark and James. Mark was shorter so my head came to his shoulder, he had green eyes and he just felt different.
Chapter 42
Suddenly the familiar strains of ‘Take my breath away’ surrounded me and I started to shake. Looking up into Mark’s face he must have mistaken my trembling for something else as I watched in slow motion his lips heading towards mine. As they touched it was all that I needed to realise that I couldn’t do this, no now, not ever, it was too soon, it was too much to bear. I pushed him away and turned and ran. I grabbed my coat from the cloak room attendant as the lyrics hunted me down and seemed to echo through the cold night air
“Through the hour glass I called you, in time you slipped away
When the mirror crashed I called you, and turned to hear you say
If only for today I am unafraid
Take my breath away”
I slipped out of my heels and picked them up and ran bare foot down the street. I pushed my way through revellers already homeward bound as the hurt inside me thumped in time with my heart. All the way home I just ran and cried, the tears just would not stop and I knew that at home all that awaited me was the invitation and the returned St Christopher. I fumbled with the key in the door as my parents were out for the evening and then pushed my way through.
Stopping for a moment I leaned against the door and then made my way through into the dining room to the drinks cabinet. Momentarily I was distracted by the Christmas tree that still stood resplendent in it’s glory. The baubles twinkled under the fairly lights and I walked over towards it and reached out for one of the glass ones hanging there. I plucked it from the tree and held it in my hands, noticing the fragility of it, just like my life at the moment. I was the bauble and James was the hand as slowly I crushed it and it shattered into a million pieces that twinkled even more vibrantly as I threw them back into the tree. Looking down my palm was scattered with red dots of blood and it was at that moment I knew what I had to do.
I found a bottle of vodka and took that up to my room thinking that I might need it to numb the pain and hurt and anger inside of me. I put some music on and took a long slug of the vodka. I wasn’t much of a drinker so it burned as it went down and I almost threw it back up, but by the third mouthful it was starting to take effect as my room swam around me. I listened to George singing ‘Where did your heart go?’ such a mournful lament but so true to the way I was feeling. When it finished I stood up and replaced the needle so it started again and then again and then again. All the time I was staring at the invitation, the necklace hung in between my fingers.
Standing up I staggered over to my mirror and stared into it, my life had gone wrong and I had no other option. Turning around slowly I headed for the bathroom and started to fill the bath tub with warm water before I headed back to my room. The words that George was singing played over and over in my mind, even through the record had finished and the house lay silent.
“Sometimes the river calls me
And at night it calls my name
Says, Put your troubles down beside me
Things have always been the same
And rock n roll won’t teach me
What the river said that night
I jumped into this beauty
And drifted out of sight
Where did your heart go?”
I grabbed the phone receiver and instinctively tapped in James’ home number, even though it was the early hours of the morning. I longed to just hear his voice one final time, but it rang and rang until I let it drop from her fingers. He must be out with her; I fucking hated her for what she had done to me. What she had done to us, we had been perfect together. I picked up my paperweight from the desk and slammed it into my mirror, obliterating my tear stained face from view as it shattered around me, spilling sharp shards across the carpet. Removing my dress I found his shirt and once more wrapped myself in its fabric. I placed the St Christopher around my neck and then picked up the sharpest shard of mirror that lay at my feet. Then with invitation in hand I crossed the room and headed downstairs to the bathroom.
The tub was almost full now so I closed off the tap and stood there for a mom
ent. Then without any more thought I drew the jagged edge across my wrist.
I didn’t feel anything at first so I quickly did it again and then switched hands and slashed across my other wrist. I held my hands out over the steaming water and watched in fascination as the droplets of blood hit the surface and spread out in ripples, fading further and further away. That’s where I wanted to be; further away from all this pain that would just not go away. After a final slug of vodka I dropped the bottle on the tiles and that shattered too. I stepped over the rim and sat down a stain of pink creeping up from the hem of his shirt.
Somehow I ripped up the invitation that I still held in my fingertips and scattered it over the surface of the water that was now a wonderful pink colour. My hearing started to fade in and out as I closed my eyes and saw James standing before me. His beautiful face shining as he reached out his arms towards me.
“I love you, I want to be with you till the end of time” I whispered, my breathing becoming shallow as more blood flowed from my veins.
“I’m waiting for a star to fall and carry my heart into your arms, we can be Together Forever and never to part, you are the desert and I’ll be the sea” my voice trailed off and then everything started to become numb, including my heart. I had finally found escape from the pain of living without James.
Charlotte realised that tears were streaming down her cheeks and she wiped them away. That was the real reason behind the faded scars on her Mum’s wrists; she had tried to commit suicide. Who had saved her? Why had James sent the invitation? No wait it must have been Felicity who had sent it but using an envelope written by James. How would Mitchell’s Dad deal with this information? How was this all going to work out? She shook her head at the enormity of the situation but at least she had Mitchell to lean on.
January 1989 was included at the end of the diary so she wiped her eyes and looked through a few further pages, hoping to put the final pieces of the jigsaw into place. It was there and she resumed reading
Wednesday 4th January, 1989
I woke up under the bright artificial light of a hospital room and stared around in disbelief. It hadn’t worked I was still here and still alive. The room swam a bit so I closed my eyes again and then I started to hear a voice.
“Stephanie, Stephanie can you hear me?” Mark said.
“James, James is that you, sorry I’m so sorry” I mumbled, my lips felt so dry and my tongue thick.
“Stephanie it’s me Mark” he replied. I shook my head trying to clear the muddle of thoughts that were there
“Mark?”
“Yes Mark, you’re in hospital” he finished, his voice trailing off as he considered whether to say why or not.
I started to cry again until I heard other familiar voices as I tried to blink and open my eyes again
“Stephanie, its Mum” the voice said, as I finally looked out again and saw her face and my Dad next to it. Their features were etched with sorry and guilt but also happiness that I was still alive. I reached out and Mum managed to hug me close before Dad joined in too
“Sorry” I said again, my voice faint but audible.
“Don’t be sorry, you should have talked to us, told us how you were feeling” Dad said, no reproach in his voice, only love “We could have helped” Mum chimed in, her voice broken as she cried.
As I lay down I noticed that Sarah was sat on the other side of my bed, tears spilling down her cheeks too as I reached out and tried to grasp her hand in mind. But I was bandaged so well that I couldn’t manage it so she just reached out and stroked my arm.
“I’m here for you too” she said “Night and day I’m only a telephone call away” Sarah finished.
I was just about to close my eyes again when Mark appeared through the doors and ushered everyone out of the room before he picked the chart up from the end of the bed.
“How are you feeling? Mark asked, as he popped a thermometer in my mouth before I could even reply.
“Stupid” I replied, once he had removed it “But it was the only way I could seem to get rid of the sadness inside of me” I finished; it was easy to be truthful with Mark in his Doctors coat.
“Ok, I’ll see what I can sort out, you’ll be going home tomorrow all being well” he finished. He was about to turn and walk away when I stopped him.
“So how did I get here?” I asked.
Sitting down on the chair next to the bed Mark began to tell me.
“Well, once you had run from the club I managed to signal to Sarah and Chris that you were rather upset so we grabbed our coats too and started to walk towards your house. When we got there the front door was shut and the house was in darkness apart from the light in your attic room that we could see from the driveway” Mark paused, as he noticed the pain of the memories flit across my face.
“As it was so quiet we decided to try the door and found it was unlocked so we all walked in and Sarah started to shout your name. We headed upstairs and realised that the light was on in the bathroom and as you still hadn’t responded to our shouts we tried that door and pushed it open to find you unconscious in the bath tub. Chris pulled you out and wrapped you in a towel and then as I started to do CPR Sarah ran downstairs and called for the ambulance” he paused, as he noticed the tears slowly falling down my cheeks.
“It was bad then” I said quietly.
“It was close we nearly lost you” he said, as he looked away.
“Thanks for saving me” I finished, although in my heart I wasn’t so sure that I wanted to be saved, I would still have the hurt and pain to deal with as well as some lovely scars too. I still didn’t know how I was going to cope but I owed it to my friends to at least try.
Chapter 43
Charlotte closed the diary as that seemed to be the last entry. It was painful to read how her Mum’s world had crumbled and broken apart due to a bitch that happened to be the Mum of Mitchell. She hoped that she would never have to meet this woman as knowing her quick temper she’d be in line for a slap. She quickly looked at the clock and dropped Mitch a text to see if he was still awake. He was so she took the opportunity to give him a call on the phone.
“Hi Mitch” Charlotte said, as he answered almost immediately.
“Hi Charlotte, are you ok?” he replied, noticing the slight catch in her voice.
“Yes, I’ve just finished the diary and it’s not good news” she said.
“Go on, tell me what makes you think this?” he asked “Don’t worry I’m sitting on the bed in my room”
“Ok, so your Dad sent her the letter and then came down to see her and they had break up sex and he walked away. Then she tried to get on with her life but on New Year’s Eve she received an envelope in the post with your Dad’s handwriting on it so she opened it to find his St Christopher that she had given him and an invitation to their Wedding”
“Oh Fuck, my Dad wouldn’t have been that harsh surely” Mitchell gasped.
“No my guess is that your Mother sent it in an envelope addressed by your Dad to really make sure my Mum never wanted to speak to James again” Charlotte responded. Silence reigned for a moment as they both thought about their parent’s messed up lives.
“Well my Mum went out dancing with her friends including my Dad to be and he tried to kiss her on the dance floor and she bolted home and decided to commit suicide by slitting her wrists” Charlotte sobbed this last sentence out as she tried to imagine how lost and alone her Mum had felt at that moment in time.
“Baby, don’t cry” Mitchell soothed, wishing he was there to hold her close.
“Sorry it’s just such a raw thing, such a cry for help that no one heard” Charlotte eventually said, through the tears.
“But someone did hear as she’s alive and you are here in this world” Mitchell finished.
“Yes, but will she really want to see James again? Will it only serve to open old wounds that have healed?” Charlotte replied.
“Do you think I should tell my Dad?” Mitch asked.
<
br /> “No lets talk about it a bit more when you come over on Friday and in the meantime I’ll pop and see Aunt Sarah as she was there at the time and she might be able to advise me” Charlotte finished, as she blew her nose; the tears had finally stopped falling.
“Sounds good to me, I can’t wait to see you again” Mitchell breathed, his voice sending shivers down her spine.
“Me too it can’t come soon enough” She replied, thinking about flying into his arms the moment she caught sight of him.
“Well, try your best to sleep and dream of me” Mitch said “I’ll be waiting for you there” he finished.
“Dream of me too Mitch” Charlie replied “Goodnight” she finished.
“Night Babe, I love you” he finished
“I love you too” she said, and then the phone line went dead. Charlotte thought that being truly in love was the best feeling on earth as she tapped the light switch and fell into sleep.
I was already buzzing around the kitchen when Charlotte headed through the doorway
“Morning Mum” Charlie said, as I passed her a mug of coffee
“Morning Charlie, you were up late last night” I replied.
“Yeah, was on the phone to Mitch” she replied “Are you ok Mum you seem really happy this morning”
“I am Charlotte, life is good” I replied, not wanting to share my secret admirer with my daughter yet as I eagerly awaited his next request.