Where did your heart go? (The Heart Trilogy Book 1)

by Audrina Lane

  “Hey Steph” he replied, standing up to pull me into a hug “How are things?”

  “Good thanks, really looking forward to next weekend” I replied. A car pulled into the car park and I spotted Mark, Ian and Paul get out and head towards us.

  “Is this everyone from our lot” Ian asked.

  “Yes, just waiting for the technical guys and Mr Ford the Hospital Director” I replied. Grabbing some drinks we all enjoyed the sunshine as we waited.

  Soon everyone had arrived and we walked along the river bank to the large area we had been allocated.

  As Mark talked to the technical guys about power for lighting and sound I watched them stride around and spoke to the company supplying the stage and dance floor. Jack and Mr Ford went through all the advertising hoardings with Paul and Ian. After a couple of hours it seemed that everything was in place. As I lived the closest I would meet the guys on Wednesday morning for the start of the set up and also be their contact at the end of the day too. From Wednesday onwards it was going to be slightly manic but on the whole I was looking forward to it.

  Bidding goodbye to the technical guys and Mr Ford I turned to the others.

  “Do you want to stay for a drink here or I’ve got some in at home and I can rustle up some food too” I offered.

  “Your place sounds like a great idea, we can have a final look through the running order too” Paul said. Jack gave me a lift back in his car and the other’s followed as we adjourned to the back garden.

  “I’m really looking forward to meeting Rick” I said, he’s been an idol of mine for quite a while. Only second to George Michael” I laughed.

  “God you and George, I’d stand a better chance with him” Jack joked.

  “Yeah, you’re definitely more his type” Ian said.

  “But are you looking forward to meeting your secret admirer?” Paul asked.

  “I guess so” I replied “I think he’s trying to give me clues in the songs as to who he is” I finished.

  “Any idea yet?” Mark asked.

  “I have my suspicions but I’m not 100% sure yet” I replied, feeling a blush rise to my cheeks.

  Eventually the guys all headed home, except for Jack who had decided to have a drink and stay over. Whilst he headed out to get us some pizza for supper I picked up my phone and dropped James a text.

  “Jack’s here at the moment and staying over so I’ll give you a call tomorrow morning instead when I’m alone. You remember Jack; I used to work with him on Hospital Radio”

  James replied with.

  “Ok, I do remember Jack; he’s the gay one right so I don’t have anything to worry about”

  “That’s right, he remembers you too, fancies you and all”

  “I’ll bear that it mind if things don’t work out with us. LOL”

  When Jack returned I had changed into my comfy clothes and poured us both another beer as we settled in for a night on the sofa and a film. In my thoughts I was preoccupied with James and in a way I wished that he was sharing this evening with me instead. Climbing into bed later I grabbed my tablet pc and started to type a reply to his earlier email.

  “Dear James,

  Sorry for the delay in my reply but today has just flown by so quickly. All plans for next Saturday have been finalised so it’s just roll on and deal with any last minute glitches which undoubtedly there will be!!

  I have still managed to spend a fair amount of time thinking about us. Your email this morning made me smile. If this technology had been around when we got together we would have probably sent each other lot’s more emails and texts!! Yet writing an email is almost the same as a letter and sometimes it’s easier to write down in words what you are unable to say in person or over the phone.

  Since I handed my diary from 1988 to Charlie I have been doing quite a lot of soul searching regarding my past. Although with my visible scars I guess I never really escaped from it, if the truth be told. As you said, when we met, you don’t want to be alone again and I can whole heartedly agree with that sentiment. You have the easy side of things just falling back in love with me. It is harder for me as I never truly fell out of love with you I just suppressed my feelings and tried to mask them with happiness either forced or induced.

  Even though Charlotte is a real joy to my life (and I wouldn’t be without her now) the circumstances around her being here hold enormous pain and I now need to reconcile myself with the fact that I managed to screw up someone else’s chance of true happiness. Unfortunately I can’t just tell them I am sorry for never loving them. That is why you need to be patient with me and don’t give up if I seem to swing one way and then the other. All I can be certain is that it’s going to take time to un-break my heart.

  Keep in touch this week, it brightens my day immensely.

  Love Steph”

  I read it back through and hesitated with the delete button over the last paragraph but in the end I just closed my eyes and pressed send. Feeling my eyelids getting heavy I switched the tablet off and fell asleep. This time I dreamed about Mark. I was there as the faceless stranger attacked him and stabbed him over and over again. I tried to run and help but I was glued to the spot as his attacker seemed to sense me in the dark shadows. Turning to remove the Balaklava that hid the identity. Long dark hair tumbled loose and I found myself staring at the bitch as she started to head towards me. She was laughing and telling me that I would never be happy, she had robbed that from my whole life. I woke up with a start as I felt hands on my shoulders, looking up it was Jack I saw.

  “Steph, wake up” Jack said softly “You were screaming” he finished, as I continued to stare at him not quite knowing what was going on as reality came into focus again.

  “Sorry Jack, I must have been having a bad dream” I said, struggling to sit up.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, settling back on the covers.

  Sitting silently I tried to clear the image from my head before I spoke.

  “No its ok I think I can deal with it” I said “Although you could go and get me a glass of water” I finished. Jack hurried out and downstairs which gave me the chance to turn the bedside light on and banish the dark shadows from the room. I pulled open my bedside cabinet and found one of my pills and quickly swallowed it before Jack returned. Handing me the glass he sat down once more.

  “If you need me to stay in here I can” he offered.

  “Thanks but I think I’ll be alright now, I might just read my book before I go back to sleep” I replied.

  “Cool, just call, I’m only next door” he finished. Leaning over he dropped a kiss on my lips “Night Steph” he said.

  “Night Jack, and thank you” I said softly, watching him disappear through the doorway. Then after a few chapters the pill kicked in and I fell asleep with the light on.

  Chapter 64

  Charlotte enjoyed a lovely evening with the Cooke family and it was good to talk to Darren’s girlfriend Sophie a little more that she had done when she had last met her. She did however notice how distant James looked when he thought no one was watching him. It reminded her of how her Mum looked on occasions and once again she prayed silently that they would become more than friends again. Having read her diaries she knew exactly how her Mum had felt, the power of first love was immense. On the way home in the taxi’s she lay back into Mitch’s arms and hoped that they would last longer than a few months. Secretly she hoped it would last forever, but she knew that forever was just a dream.

  In bed together later they made love slowly, she kept her eyes open throughout and focused on Mitchell’s that mirrored hers in their passion and intensity as their bodies took control. Charlie knew she was trying to stare into his very soul to see if she could glimpse their future together. Unfortunately she couldn’t so she settled for the feel of his lips on hers, his hands that covered her body touching her in all the right places. She felt his skin on her skin as they burned together.

  The next morning appeared with s
ome light showers and as usual once they were awake they had to satisfy their passionate itch before they could even consider leaving the covers. Mitchell thought that he would quite like to spend an entire day just naked and pressed against Charlie’s soft, silky body. However the next best thing was dancing with her and that’s where they headed after breakfast. In the kitchen James was already eating and listening to Love Shack Radio with a smile on his face.

  “Hi James, don’t think my Mum’s working this Sunday” Charlie said, as Mitch handed her a cup of coffee.

  “She doesn’t need to be it’s a great station” he said, but she could tell he was hiding something from the smile that was on his face. His phone lay beside him on the table.

  Once they were alone in the studio Charlie turned to Mitch.

  “Do you think that your Dad might be this secret admirer who sent my Mum the flowers the other week before they met?”

  “Well, come to think about it he did ask me where you lived saying that he was trying to picture how Ross looked now in comparison to when he was there” Mitch replied, smiling as he got the music switched on and they started to warm up together. Somehow their warm up always seemed to finish with them wrapped around each other.

  “I think it might be” Charlie replied “That is such good news” she finished.

  “I hope so” Mitch replied “Come on let’s get started” he said. As they danced their way through all of their songs. Charlie gave Mitch a preview of their new dance to Troublemaker and he loved it, especially when she told him about the outfits they would be wearing.

  After lunch with Pam, Peter and James they decided to head home early via a quick tour of the local area. Charlie had asked to see all his usual haunts and his college. Mitch didn’t mind as he loved his bike, especially when he could feel the weight of Charlotte behind him, her body pressed against him as they sped along. He also didn’t mind as he was spending Sunday night with her and heading home on the Monday morning as he had promised Ian a hand in his bike shop that week. Pulling into the familiar driveway they noticed a second car in the driveway and opening the front door music and screams of laughter filled the hallway.

  “Mum, we’re home” Charlie shouted as they both headed into the lounge and found her Mum collapsed on the sofa as she watched Jack doing his best impression of the Rick Astley ‘Never gonna give you up’ dance.

  “Hi guys” she said, straightening up and waving at Jack who seemed to be in a world of his own world. Suddenly he turned and spotted the visitors, one of which he knew but she had certainly grown up even more since his last visit.

  “Hi biker chick, what have you done with my sweet little Charlie” Jack joked, as he raced over and pulled her into his arms.

  “Hey Jack, it’s been a long time since I last saw you” Charlie said, as he whisked her off her feet and spun her around. Putting her down he extended a hand to Mitchell.

  “And who might you be?” he asked.

  “Jack this is my boyfriend Mitchell, Mitchell this is Jack who works on Hospital radio and taught my Mum about being a DJ” Charlie said, introducing them and watching in amusement as Jack pulled his hand up and kissed it.

  “Jack will you stop flirting for just a second” I said, as I stood up and headed for the kitchen to get everyone a drink. The music they had been listening too finished on the radio in the kitchen and were promptly followed by Ian.

  “That was for our very own Stephanie, once again from your secret admirer” he finished. I smiled as I continued to think that my suspicions were correct. Finding my phone I quickly typed in my reply as the beat started to a song that never failed to cheer me up. Heading back into the lounge I could see Charlie and Jack clicking their fingers as they started to pretend to jive to ‘Wake me up before you go-go’ Putting the drinks down Mitchell suddenly grabbed my hand in his as we joined in the dancing. Eventually we swapped over as Mitch threw Charlie around which meant that Jack and I just ended up watching in amazement.

  After a drink and a chat, Jack finally headed home and left the three of us together.

  “So Mum, do you know who your secret admirer is yet?” Charlie asked. I could see the two of them watching and waiting for my response.

  “I think I do and if I am right then I won’t be un happy” I said. I watched them exchange looks and then left them in the lounge as I went to cool off and give James a quick call from the privacy of the kitchen. I could still here them laughing together as they continued to dance to whatever came onto the radio. It felt good to have them in the house; their vibrancy definitely chased the dark shadows away that still lurked in places.

  I was still trying to catch my breath when James answered the phone on it’s second ring.

  “Hi James, hope you are ok?”

  “Hi Steph, are you ok, thought I was listening to one of those heavy breathers” he joked.

  “Just been dancing with your son actually” I said “Wake me up before you go-go certainly got me go-going” I replied, giggling.

  “Yes I’ve been listening to it on the radio, good choice for your secret admirer” he finished. Somehow from his response I knew that it was him and I sort of hoped that he knew that I knew. We continued with the game anyway as it was too much fun to stop when we could have a whole week of song requests before Saturday.

  “I’ve sent you a reply to your email” he said, as the mood changed slightly.

  “Ok” I replied “I’ll read and reply later tonight”

  “Cool, so apart from dancing what have you been up too”

  “Catching up with Jack of course, it was fun having him stay last night but I did wish that you were watching the film next to me” I said “What about you?”

  “Usual chores really, the meal last night was great though” he finished.

  There was a natural pause in our conversation before James continued.

  “With everyone out of the house I fell kind of lonely here”

  “Yes, I get the same feeling when Charlie is up with you and I’m rattling around here all on my own” I replied “They’re all growing up so I guess it’s something we’ll have to get used too eventually”

  “It’s a scary thought” he agreed. I could hear his hesitation as I knew he wanted to say something about us being together.

  “I hope in time that you will fill that lonely space Stephanie” he said quietly.

  “I hope that I can too” I whispered back, my heart was pounding as I said this.

  “Well I’m going to go now before I say too much or before I repeat what I have written in the email” he said.

  “Thanks James, you are still the boy you used to be”

  In my mind I could see him grinning at the use of the words from the song he had requested earlier. I was grinning too as I put the phone down.

  We enjoyed tea together before Charlie and Mitchell made their excuses.

  “We’re heading up now Mum, as Mitch has to get going early tomorrow” she said.

  “Ok, goodnight and see you in the morning. Do you want me to give you a shout when I get up?”

  “Thanks Mum that would be great” Charlie finished, turning towards the stairs.

  “See you in the morning” Mitch said, as I watched him eagerly follow.

  After I had cleared up the house I found my tablet pc and turned it on to read the email.

  “Dear Stephanie

  Thanks for your email and your honesty. Although you have only hinted at what happened in your life I can appreciate why you ended up with the person that you did. I can only guess that perhaps you felt some kind of gratitude towards Mark, the man who saved your life and because of what I did to you he made you feel safe and secure. Once again I cannot begin to express in simple words how devastated I was to find out that my leaving would cause you to try and take your life thinking that it was the easy way to escape your pain. My ex has an awful lot to answer for and she is the one who has ruined lives far more than you ever did.

  You have raise
d a beautiful, talented young woman in Charlotte and I am so proud that my son is going out with her. Although it is rather mad that the two of them happened to find each other in the way they did, perhaps it was fate? I also kind of like the way that we somehow named them after characters in our film. Top Gun will always be our film and until the other week I have not watched it since we split up as the memories associated still lingered in certain scenes. I look forward to us watching it together again soon.

  Anyway, all I’d like to finish with is that I will give you all the time in the world if it means that we become more than friends again.

  My heart is yours, till the end of time.

  James”

  Smiling I pressed reply and started to write. It really did feel like old times again.

  “Dear James

  Thanks for your kind words of encouragement. Having been so open when we were together I realise that ever since I have tried to protect myself by closing off from people and even my own thoughts. It is only now that I am facing these realisations and the work that I will need to do to get through this. But enough about me, I wish I could say that I was the same girl I used to be!! I believe that she is inside of me somewhere and I am trying to find her as quickly as I can.

  How much contact do you still have with Felicity? I have to ask as I will need to consider whether I can manage it if I were to start going out with you again in the future. It’s important for children to have access to both their parents and it’s something I wish Charlie could have had more of with her Dad. Chris has been invaluable as her sole father figure for the last seventeen years and he has done a wonderful job. You’ll be pleased to know that she has already told me she wouldn’t mind you being her “step” Dad if we were to take that large step. You have obviously made a huge impression on her and what more can I say about daughter’s taking after their mothers!!! Mitchell is a credit to you and I look forward to perhaps meeting Darren in the future if things progress between us.