“Sure.” Kaitlynn walked over to the closet. “Where’s your bag? And you didn’t say anything about coming back today when I spoke with you last night.”
“Let me get these on first.” I reached for the clean pair of warm cotton socks she handed to me.
I slipped them over my feet and wiggled my toes, savoring the tickles caused by the lint balls inside.
I exhaled a deep, long breath. “All right,” I started, and then told her the whole story, beginning with the moment I hung up the phone with her. She cried with me over Lijepa’s murder. We cried together for a long time before I finished telling her the rest of the details and about how Mirko and Lijepa had lied to me and why Mirko said they did it.
“They were right,” she said.
I frowned. “You think they were right by lying to me? Everyone has lied to me except you.” I raised my eyebrows. “At least that I know of.”
She gave me a weak snort in reply. “I’ve never lied to you, but Mirko was right. If they had told you Jelena was your aunt, would it have blocked all the progress you were making?”
I thought about it and really wanted to say no, but couldn’t. “If I had known, I would have pushed harder against the changes.” I slouched my shoulders. “But how do I reconcile that he lied to me over something so big, but then not be mad at him because he made the right decision? What if it didn’t turn out so great? Forgiving him would give him free range to lie to me about anything, as long as he thought it was for the right reasons.”
Kaitlynn squeezed my hand. “Yeah, I don’t know what to tell you. Do you think he would ever lie to you for selfish reasons?”
I pondered if that would be something Mirko would do. I recalled how I felt while wandering the pathways in his brain and how honesty had been prominent. It must have worn heavily on him to keep my relation to Jelena hidden. “I don’t think he ever would.”
Kaitlynn looked pleased with my reply. “Well, that’s something.” I agreed with her, but still didn’t know how to keep Mirko from lying to me again if he thought it was best.
We wound down our conversation by going over what she’d been through while here. It wasn’t nearly as eventful as my time away had been, but hearing her talk offered a moment of normalcy.
When we finished, I asked, “Do you know what Jaren wants to talk to me about?”
“No, but he’s probably worried. You ran in here bawling and hollering for me like a crazy person.”
I laughed. “I did, didn’t I?” She nodded. “Great, add that to the long list of baggage. Now, I’m embarrassed for making a scene.”
Kaitlynn laughed and shook her head.
“Can you tell Jaren to come in here? Or do you want me to go to him? I don’t want to come back and then kick you out.” Man, that sounded terrible of me.
She smiled and rose from the bed. “It’s no biggie. I’ll go get him.”
“Thanks.” I smiled.
* * *
It wasn’t long before Jaren knocked.
“Come in,” I replied.
“Hey,” Jaren said, walking into the room. “How are you doing?”
I smiled weakly. “It’s been really rough. Things were going great until today. Did anyone tell you what happened with Lijepa?”
He knit his brow. “Yeah, Mirko told me while you were talking with Kaitlynn. I’m really sorry to hear that. I can tell Lijepa had come to mean a lot to you.”
“Thank you. How about you? How’ve you been?”
He sat next to me on the bed. “Okay, I guess. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking while you were gone, well, more like ever since you told me off.” He chuckled.
I smiled, but didn’t say anything.
“Well, I realized that you were right. I transferred my fear of the guy who attacked us at my apartment onto you. And frankly, I was attracted to Holly Anne. I couldn’t figure out why I was fine with her being a vampire, but hesitant about it with you, until you mentioned what I was doing. I finally understood that you’re still the same girl. You run with a bit of a different crowd now, but you’re still you. I’m sorry. I wasn’t fair to you, and I miss you. I’d like to be with you again, if you’re willing to forgive me.”
I sat in stunned silence. I thought he would be coming in here to check on me. When I’d dreamed of his apology, I always envisioned it with me having more time to sort out my feelings for him. I focused on his last sentence and didn’t know what to say, but then I processed everything else he said before it.
I smiled, but it didn’t reach my eyes. “I’ve wanted to hear those words ever since the night I found out I was a vampire, and you tossed me aside like damaged goods. And now, here I am, hearing these words, and I’m not sure they mean what I thought they would.” I frowned and met his gaze. “I’m not the same girl. I’ve changed. Whether I am a monster, or whether I’m not, is irrelevant at this point. There’s so much more going on than my feelings for you or your feelings for me, or who I am, or what my DNA is made of. I need to get this figured out with Jelena. If I don’t, you, Kaitlynn, and those around me will always be in danger. And I can’t be the person that’s the cause of any more deaths or suffering. What Jelena did to Lijepa was terrible. And I’m going to feel responsible for that for the rest of my life because I was too much of a coward to step forward or sacrifice myself so she wouldn’t have to.”
He shook his head in protest, but I continued.
“It’s changed me. I’m not the same girl, and you need to know that. I’m not even sure that being with you is right anymore. I still love you, care for you, and want the best for you, but I’m not sure that’s me anymore.”
Jaren cleared his throat, but when he spoke his voice broke, anyway. “This was not how I thought this would go.” His face was dismal, and he blinked hard. Then anger replaced the sorrow on his face and he pursed his lips. “It’s Mirko, isn’t it? He got to you.”
He was right. If I didn’t have these feelings for Mirko, I would have taken Jaren back right now.
“Honestly, I have feelings for Mirko, and I have to contend with those, too.”
Jaren squinted his eyes. “I knew that’s what he had planned when he wouldn’t let me go with you.”
“Did you not feel what I did to Zack? Because Kaitlynn did.”
He nodded. “Yeah, but it was nothing serious. I bet they could have managed it while we were there. But he didn’t want us there.”
“Jaren, please,” I pleaded, pinching the bridge of my nose. “This needs to stop between you two. I need you to work together until this is over and stop stressing me out.”
He got up from the bed. “Fine. I’ll be civil with him until Jelena is taken care of, but this is not over for him. I may have been stupid before by not fighting to keep you, but I won’t make that mistake twice. You loved me first, and I intend to keep you.” He walked toward the door. When he opened it, he paused and looked over his shoulder. “I really am glad you’re okay.” Then he turned so that he faced me. “I love you, Brooke.” My jaw dropped, and he stepped outside the door and closed it.
26
Enjoy the Little Things
Sleep evaded me. My body shut down, but my mind reeled. I knew some of it stemmed from having too much to solve, but mostly, I feared seeing Lijepa’s charred flesh when I closed my eyes.
I hadn’t talked to anyone else, other than Kaitlynn, after Jaren left. I wished she’d been able to tell me what to do with everything.
Someone knocked on the door as the sun began to peek between our curtains. I jumped off the bed, landing softly on the floor so as to not wake Kaitlynn. I turned the knob, and Mirko stood on the other side of the door, appearing too cheerful for this time of day.
“Morning, Slatki,” he said and then recoiled. “You don’t look so cute this morning. If you couldn’t sleep, you should have come down to my room.”
Who tells a girl she looks like crap? I pushed the door to slam it in his face, but he stopped it with his foot. “Regardless,” he s
aid, holding up a plastic bag, “we have training to do. Get dressed and meet me in the gym.”
I snatched the bag and pushed the door shut. This time he didn’t resist. I looked inside the sack and found he had bought clothes for me to wear. I grabbed a clean towel and ambled down to the bathroom.
When I slid the tight pants on and looked in the mirror, I grumbled to myself, “Mirko. No wonder you were so chipper this morning.” I would’ve asked to borrow something from Kaitlynn, but she had a long night, too. I decided to suck it up and went to the gym.
Mirko stretched as I came in. “Mirko,” I chided. “What’s this?” I pointed to my pants.
He grinned. “What? I like to see the way your body moves.”
“You’re such a brat,” I tried not to smile but failed. “I’m still mad at you for lying to me.” I tried to regain my resolve.
He moved toward me with his steady swagger. “It was either this,” he said, pulling on the tight material covering my thigh, “or booty shorts. I preferred the booty shorts, but I thought you’d prefer these.”
Figures. Jaren wants to buy me lilies, and Mirko wants to buy me booty shorts.
I punched his shoulder. “Stop. I’m serious. I’m still mad at you. I viewed you as one of the few people I could trust, and you polluted it.” I stepped back from him.
He scowled at me and closed the distance. “You never asked me if Jelena was your aunt, and I never lied to you, saying that she wasn’t. What I did could be more accurately described as a partial truth. And you have no idea how much it ate at me that I couldn’t tell you.”
I’d suspected he had a hard time with it. Good, he should have, but my anger softened, anyway.
He stepped forward and kissed me on the cheek. “I promise it’ll never happen again.”
I held him with my eyes. “It better not. You’re already on shaky ground.” I sobered. “Now tell me, what are we doing to take care of Jelena?”
“I have a meeting planned after this where we’ll go over strategies to address it.”
“Well, we should be focusing on that. Why not meet now?”
“Because not everyone is here yet, and until then, you’re mine. So, start stretching.”
I rolled my eyes and walked away from him.
“Wow,” Mirko said, then sucked air in through his teeth. “Those pants look better on you than I’d imagined.”
I turned around to face him and started stretching. “We have more important things for you to concentrate on right now than my butt.”
He joined in stretching with me. “There’s always a crisis going on, Slatki. You’d do well to start enjoying the small things when they’re given to you.”
I studied him. “Even with what happened to Lijepa?”
He nodded. “I’ve lost many people throughout my life. That’s why you have to enjoy the little things. You’ll go crazy if you don’t.”
I agreed. I hoped I never lost anyone else, but I could see how I might go crazy if I did. Then, I realized I would end up losing someone. Eventually, I’d have to choose between Jaren and Mirko. How do you give up one to gain the other when you might love them both?
Things had turned out to be awfully messy. I wished that no one else close to me died anytime soon. I started to hope that I would be the first to die so I wouldn’t have to watch any of my loved ones go before me.
Mirko stunned me out of my morbid comfort zone when he lunged at me. I escaped his advance and counterattacked, striking him with my foot in his thigh. I fought him with more ferocity than I ever had before, and I relished in it. My muscles welcomed the strenuous crusade I sent them on, and my bones found penance in the reverberations of Mirko’s pounding against them.
When I thought I couldn’t fight anymore, I pushed harder, and my skin buzzed with adrenaline. Mirko finally called a truce, and I smirked at him. “I totally kicked your trash,” I said, breathing hard.
He bent over to catch his breath. “I wouldn’t say that,” he straightened, “but there is no doubt that you’re good. Really good.”
“Thanks,” I said, satisfied.
He stepped up to me and wrapped one arm around my waist. The muscles along the outside of my abs quivered from his touch. “I wasn’t giving the credit to you, Slatki. Skill like that is gifted by the teacher.” He kissed me on the lips.
I pushed on his chest and laughed, letting my head fall back. “My teacher is more arrogant than he is skilled,” I lied—he was both in equal measure.
Someone cleared their throat. I turned my head and found Jaren standing in the gym’s doorway, his lips pursed in anger.
I stepped away from Mirko.
“Ace is ready for you two,” Jaren growled between clenched teeth.
Mirko nodded and walked toward the door. I followed, but I fell behind him. He turned back at me, grinned, then exited the gym, leaving me to deal with a furious Jaren.
“So, you chose him, then?” Jaren asked. The rough planes of his face melted.
“No,” I said, wrinkling my forehead. “I haven’t chosen anyone. I’m still as confused as ever.”
His sky blue eyes blazed into mine just how I remembered. Comfort subdued the adrenaline rushing through me like returning home after a perilous journey. I wanted to touch him, and I guess the words he spoke last night did matter. They’d lifted a barrier between us.
I raised my hand and placed my palm against his cheek. My eyelids fluttered closed. It eased something inside me, the same way a balm would after being rubbed into a long-endured wound.
I recalled sitting in the back of the service truck at the airport when we left Virginia and how I ached to touch him. It was like I yearned silently for this sensation from that moment to now, and I had been carrying a thirst I didn’t know needed quenching. I opened my eyes, and a tear fell from one of them.
He blinked hard, wiped my tear away, and then clasped my hand. “I didn’t kiss anyone when I was confused. I might have been drawn into Holly Anne’s advances, but I never kissed her in the hall that day.”
He did with Tiffany, though. I had never felt so conflicted before, except maybe when I left Lijepa behind to run with Mirko to safety. I dropped my hand. “I didn’t mean for you to witness that. I’m sorry you had to see it and for the way it makes you feel, but any of us could die at any moment. Things change too quickly to deny those you love of knowing it.”
His jaw dropped. “You’re in love with him?”
“I didn’t say that. I don’t know what it is. With you, things were simple. I had a crush on you forever, and then it grew and blossomed into something deeper, and there were no perplexing feelings to hamper it. With him…it’s messy.”
He sighed and slid his hands along the sides of his head, combing his fingers roughly through his hair as he did. “What have I done?” He dropped his arms to his sides. “You were mine. I had you, but not only did I let you go, I pushed you away.” He bit the inside of his dimpled cheek. “Is this how it felt?”
“How what felt?” I asked, not sure what part he meant.
“To want to be with someone, but you can’t.”
I nodded, and more tears leaked from my eyes. “Yeah.”
He shook his head. “I’m sorry. I never looked at what I did as losing you. I still loved you, I just needed to distance myself from you, but I was still here physically.”
“Brooke,” Ace said, poking his head into the gym, “we’re about to get started, and we need you there.”
I replied with an exaggerated nod, keeping my head facing Jaren. I didn’t want Ace to know tears streamed down my cheeks.
A moment after I thought Ace stepped back out, I moved toward Jaren and hugged him. “I’m still in love with you. And the few times I wished I weren’t hasn’t changed that.” I wanted to ask him not to give up on me because I might still choose him, but I didn’t think that was fair.
Then I realized how fast things had changed with everything else, and I wanted to be selfish. I didn’t want to hol
d back words that felt this strong anymore.
I pulled away enough to stare into Jaren’s eyes. “Please don’t give up on me. I still love you, and I don’t know how this is going to end, but a large part of me still wants it to end with you.”
He dropped his forehead, resting it against mine. “I won’t this time. I love you.”
I licked my tear-soaked lips and tilted my head up to meet his. He tasted salty, but the same. I wasn’t sure why I thought I might forget how it felt to kiss him, but I believed it was only fair, after I’d spoken my selfish request, that I give myself something to remember him by as he competed with Mirko.
I pulled away and wiped my eyes. “Ready?”
“Yeah,” he said, grabbing my hand and squeezing it.
27
I’ll Go
Mirko held the strategizing meeting in a large, sterile room. It reminded me of a classroom with its chalkboard and the way the tables sat positioned to face the front. Mirko had asked me to sit in the front next to Ace on the end, and Jaren took a seat in the back.
The amount of people that had packed into this tight space awed me. They were all here to help me fight Jelena. My heart filled with gratitude.
Mirko began the meeting. “I’d like to thank all of you for coming out here on such short notice. You all should have been briefed on the situation.” Heads bobbed. “Good. Yesterday we lost an amazing asset to all races. Lijepa will be mourned, but she will not be forgotten.” Somber agreements pulsed within the room. I had never seen Mirko in his commander duties, but seeing him now, I felt lucky that he was the one protecting me. The Zao Duhs respected him, and he stood tall with practiced power.
“We’ll begin with the note.” Mirko held up the paper on which Jelena had written her message to me. “Jelena demanded that Brooke,” Mirko looked at me, and the sea of heads turned to me as well, “come to her this time.”
“Do we even know where she is?” One of the men in the center of the room asked.
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