Rosalie was being tormented by all of these thoughts that were flying back and forth in her brain. They were moving so fast that she couldn’t truly grasp what was happening. She was in no frame of mind to make a decision one way or the other as to who to trust and who not to trust. She was caught in a whirlwind of self-destruction. She couldn’t even trust herself. Rosalie was frantic. She wanted all these thoughts in her head to stop. They were torturing her, confusing her, making her lose control. She didn’t know what was right and what was wrong anymore. She didn’t know who was right and who was wrong anymore. One thing she did know was that she didn’t want to lose Franco over this. She had a severe fear of abandonment, and the loneliness that comes with that would eat her up alive. She had to do something to save her relationship, but she just didn’t know how or what to do since things have gone too far and so badly already. Is her fear of losing Franco, or Maria for that matter, detrimental to her own well- being? Will that fear hurt Rosalie’s chances of discovering the truth behind the voices? Is that fear stronger than her fear of those “voices”? Will that fear prevent Rosalie from saving herself, as she chooses to live in self-doubt? Will she risk proving her own sanity because of her fear of abandonment and her fear of losing a love that may have been lost already? Yes it’s true that Rosalie loved Franco and she loved Maria as well; but deep down inside she no longer trusted that love. Rosalie needed to recapture her self-respect in order to move on. She was stronger than she thought and she will come out the winner. Rosalie was quite capable of putting things into their proper perspective to include both Franco and Maria as well and, in time, she will do just that. Right now all Rosalie had on her side were her own floundering thoughts to sort through.
…As she continued to be plagued by mixed emotions, Rosalie couldn’t shake this aching feeling that just wouldn’t let go. Deep down inside, Rosalie still felt that those voices were real and not in her head. She wasn’t convinced seeing the psychiatrist, or worse – committing herself into a mental facility for psychiatric evaluation was the way to go. She couldn’t do this to herself. It just didn’t seem right. It didn’t seem fair. She couldn’t let self-doubt take over. She had to be strong and do what was right for her life, since she lost the support of Franco and Maria anyway. It’s either her or them. She can’t lose sight of that. She has to trust in her own sanity. She has to protect herself, even if it means losing Franco and Maria along the way. Rosalie was having a very difficult time coming to terms with that, but she had to. Maybe this is no longer her choice to make, perhaps it’s a choice made by fate for her own benefit. Maybe it’s time to “let go and let God”. Rosalie can still find some strength in knowing that Millie believed in her, so she needed to believe in herself and put Franco and Maria in her rear-view mirror as she continues to move forward.
Her only salvation now is for Rosalie to be able to show both Franco and Maria that she is not crazy. She needs to prove them wrong. She must redeem herself, prove her innocence, and find the truth of the matter. How could Franco and Maria put her in a position like this? They both claim to love her. Is this love gone bad? Rosalie was prepared to fight for herself, even if doubt sets in now and then. She can fight that doubt and move on in her own defense. She must, as the fates allow. Rosalie must trust in fate and allow it to move her in the right direction.
If proving Franco and Maria wrong is part of this deal, no matter who gets hurt, then so be it, she thought. Did she really feel that way? This is definitely her struggle. She may end up losing both of them, but in the end she will have saved herself. They have both hurt Rosalie so badly that maybe sweet revenge will prove to be just that - sweet. Maybe so sweet as to bring the truth behind those “voices” to both Franco and Maria, leaving them stunned by their own close-mindedness. Once Rosalie finds that truth, she will be free of this torment; and part of her joy will be to see Franco and Maria wallow in guilt, begging for Rosalie’s forgiveness. This brought a bit of a smile to Rosalie’s face as she moved about the kitchen putting up a pot of espresso and scrambling some eggs. Being the sweet person that she is, Rosalie set the table for two, even though she was unsure whether or not Franco would be sitting down for breakfast.
…To Rosalie’s surprise, Franco did sit at the kitchen table for eggs and coffee; but he sat in silence. An uncomfortable silence that Rosalie decided to ignore. She ate quickly, then jumped into the shower. After a warm, comforting shower, Rosalie, still wrapped in a towel, came out of the bathroom and made her way into the bedroom to get dressed. She didn’t even glance over at the kitchen table to acknowledge Franco. She just couldn’t. Things were definitely strained between them. She heard Franco cleaning off the table and washing up the breakfast dishes, but did not bother to talk with him. She stayed in the bedroom. She loved that Franco was always a great help in the kitchen, and she admired that in a man; but none of that mattered this morning, nor will it matter ever again. Rosalie was numb to all those precious feelings they shared about each other.
She continued to get dressed as she heard Franco go into the bathroom and turn on the shower. She spritzed herself with some floral musk, made the bed and sat in the corner chair waiting for Franco to leave. Her eyes fell upon Taylor Caldwell’s “Testimony of Two Men”, sitting on her dresser. This prompted Rosalie to think about her friend Michael who had given her this special gift. She reached for the book and thumbed through it, reminiscing about the time she originally read it, when she and her mom were on that bus ride to Lancaster…Michael was responsible for bringing back that special memory for her.
…Suddenly, she heard Franco leave the apartment. He didn’t even stop in the bedroom to get dressed or to say good-bye. She assumed he put the same clothes on from last night which he had left thrown across the sofa in a messy way, totally unlike Franco. She knew things were so bad between them that they were affecting him too. His personality was changing just as much as hers, and not for the better. There was so much pain between them. Everything was in a very sad state; and even though Rosalie was avoiding Franco as well this morning, the thought of him leaving the apartment without caring to see how she was doing or even just to say good-bye, tore her heart in half. This made her more determined to do what was right by her. Rosalie was now on a mission and she had to move forward. There was no turning back for her or Franco. She decided that maybe it was time to call her friend Michael for that cup of coffee and perhaps confide in him about her life, since she felt so all alone. She knew Michael would surely listen, and he would certainly understand what she was going through. He would be her friend.
Rosalie again heard Millie’s words in the back of her mind from a past conversation, saying, “Keep that young man on the back burner dear.” Rosalie chuckled because Millie was so full of wisdom and just so right sometimes. How could she have known that Rosalie would eventually turn to Michael for help. Millie was so intuitive. Dear old Millie - and yes, dearest Michael Conte. Rosalie was so thankful to have Millie and Michael in her life and on her side right now. She was doubting everything and everyone, even Millie sometimes; but Rosalie had the good sense to know that Millie and Michael were the only sure things in her life.
…Rosalie, without wasting another minute or another thought on Franco or Maria, took out her cell phone and called Michael… “Hi Michael. It’s me, Rosalie. Would you like to meet for coffee today? – if you’re free of course.”…Soon, to Rosalie’s delight, she was on her way to meet Michael for coffee and to also confide in him about the most unusual, strange, private and personal information anyone could ever divulge to another person.
She left the apartment quickly and walked briskly, hoping to get to the coffee shop as fast as possible for fear of chickening out. She knew once she started talking to Michael there would be no turning back, so she needed to get that conversation going before she lost her nerve…All she could think about during her walk to the coffee shop was seeing her handsome friend Michael. He was like a breath of fresh air that permeated the atmosphere
almost better than oxygen. Because of him, the skies would turn brighter, the birds more melodious, the trees would sway gayly and the world would be calmer – only in Rosalie’s world that is, and that was enough for her. She happily anticipated that wonderful smell of Michael’s leather jacket and peppermint gum as she continued to make her way over to the coffee shop. Michael felt like home right now, with all the chaos in Rosalie’s life, and she welcomed that with open arms.
…Well, here it is. She reached her destination. She peered into the window of the coffee shop, trying to see past the counter and through the people and waitresses moving about, looking for Michael. She felt a little disappointed that Michael hadn’t gotten there before her, but she did call him at the last minute after all…“Oh my God,” she thought with excitement. Her eyes deceived her. There was Michael sitting at the back booth facing the counter. Was he as excited to meet for coffee as she was? She felt this blast of adrenaline take over her body. She couldn’t believe that seeing Michael, or even just the thought of Michael, could stir up such strong feelings in her every time. She wanted to suppress those feelings before she walked into the coffee shop so Michael wouldn’t catch on. Rosalie felt guilty about her thoughts and feelings, since she is still involved with Franco. Yet, she also felt with all that’s been going on in her relationship with Franco, that she owed it to herself to find comfort and refuge wherever she could; and if it happens to be in Michael’s company, then that is the silver lining in Rosalie’s cloud. So with her head up high and a perky strut to her walk, Rosalie opened the door to the coffee shop, walked past the front counter, but not before eyeing the luscious desserts in the revolving refrigerator, then proceeded to the back booth. Before she reached the booth, Michael had spotted her. He rose from his seat like the gentleman that he is, and put his hand out, directing Rosalie to take the seat opposite him. He had a smile from ear to ear; the most perfect greeting that Rosalie could have ever imagined. That was Michael. He was just as wonderful during their college days. Rosalie smiled back, hoping Michael couldn’t read the excitement in her eyes. She felt the blood rush to her face, a little embarrassed now, because there was no way she could control her blushing. Michael pretended not to notice and just grabbed Rosalie’s dainty hands in his and stared right into her hazel eyes and asked, “To what do I owe this pleasure, Rosalie?” Rosalie didn’t know how to respond, or where to begin. How do you tell someone that your mental state, against your better judgment, is in question by your boyfriend and your best friend? How do you tell someone that you’re hearing voices from your cellar, and expect them to smile kindly without a reaction? Rosalie just stared back at Michael’s handsome face, fixated on his vibrant green eyes, and sheepishly responded, “I need a friend Michael. Will you be my friend?”
Still holding Rosalie’s hands in his, Michael replied, “I was always your friend Rosalie. We may not have seen each other in awhile, but I was always there. What’s troubling you Rosalie? I can see it in your eyes. When I saw you in the park the other day I sensed something was wrong. I knew those were tears coming from your beautiful eyes. You can tell me anything Rosalie, so don’t be afraid to talk to me.” Before Rosalie could say anything, the waitress came over. Michael ordered two coffees and two toasted corn muffins at Rosalie’s request. Although Rosalie had already eaten breakfast this morning, she would find a way to enjoy the corn muffins with Michael. She did not want to be rude and insult his company by letting him eat alone.
As the waitress walked away, Rosalie stared down at her feet and noticed a “run” in her white pantyhose. Rosalie hated to see women with “runs” in their stockings. She wouldn’t be caught dead with one. Little did this waitress know that the simple “run” in her stocking gave Rosalie the confidence she needed to open up to Michael. Rosalie thought how lucky she was that her jeans were intact, her blouse was nicely ironed, and her black ankle boots were neatly polished. She felt beautiful and confident. Feeling so good about herself at the expense of this waitress wasn’t something Rosalie was proud of, but only Rosalie knew what she was thinking in her own mind, so all is good with the waitress. No harm done.
Wanting to get right to the point with Michael, Rosalie politely requested Michael’s undivided attention with a simple smile upon her lips and a sparkling glimmer in her eyes. Then, without further delay, she asked the unthinkable. “Michael,” she said, “Do you think I’m a little off?” Michael, looking a bit puzzled by the question, made a joke in order to lighten things up a bit. He laughed and asked, “A little off? Do you mean a little off balance, a little off-kilter?…Oh I get it now…a little off limits now that you’re with Franco? I’d have to say yes to that.” Rosalie grinned at his humor but made sure he read in her face how serious she was. So he quickly leaned back in the booth with a more solemn look on his face and waited patiently for further explanation from Rosalie. All he said was, “I’m all ears Rosalie.”
Soon Rosalie found herself talking a mile a minute without even taking a breath, telling Michael everything. Michael listened intently as she explained how she hears voices, sometimes only one voice summoning her to the cellar, other times multiple voices, eerie chatter, some moaning. She confided to Michael that this is destroying her life. She can’t explain it. She went on to tell him about her best friend Maria’s idea in having Ms. Jacqueline Price, the renowned psychic, do a walk-through down the cellar finding nothing out of the ordinary. She explained how the voices seem to torment her only when she’s alone in the apartment and how this is coming between her and Franco. Rosalie’s voice cracked and her lips quivered as she told Michael that it seems Franco and Maria are at their wits end with her and they are trying to get her to visit her psychiatrist so he can admit her into a mental health facility for psychiatric evaluation. Rosalie went on to say that both Franco and Maria think they are helping her, but all they are doing is alienating her, frightening her, and making her feel like she is going crazy when she knows something else is happening that she can’t put her finger on. Rosalie, in a strong tone of voice, stated, “Michael, I am not crazy. I don’t need to be evaluated. I need a friend who understands…Something is going on that I can’t explain, but I am not hearing voices in my head.”
Michael, looking very concerned for Rosalie, responded back by saying that he thought Rosalie was the most sane person he’s ever known. He reminded her of their college days when she was always the one analyzing situations and always finding solutions to problems, whether they be personal or school-related. He added that he admired Rosalie back then for having a great head on her shoulders, and others in their college circle felt the same way. Michael assured Rosalie that if she thinks something is going on that can’t be explained, then he will gladly help her prove that. Although he felt this was quite a story and apologized to Rosalie if his face looked a bit troubled because of that, he promised that his reaction had nothing to do with questioning her sanity. His reaction was one of disbelief that Franco and Maria would choose to have her mentally evaluated instead of trying to figure out what was truly going on here.
Rosalie did confide in Michael that she suffers from panic attacks and does rely on a xanax or two once in awhile, but she is totally sane. Michael chuckled at Rosalie and said, “You and the rest of the world Rosalie. Lots of people take xanax. It’s the ‘in’ thing. Anxiety is a way of life today. Just like with rehab. Mostly everyone I know has been in rehab for drugs or alcohol at one time or another. It’s like the ‘happy’ club. Then they come out and bore everyone with their ‘war’ stories. So no need to explain yourself. Not to me Rosalie. I believe you, and I promise you we will solve this together; and, for the record, I remember from our college days that you suffered from panic attacks. You didn’t hide that and no one judged you for it. You are totally sane in my book Rosalie.”
Rosalie was beside herself with pure joy and great relief. To know that Michael was on her side just filled her with sweet emotions. Michael wiped the few tears falling down from Rosalie’s eyes with
his thumb, assuring her that he will be there for her no matter what. He urged her not to give in to Franco and Maria. He expressed that now is not the time to get her psychiatrist involved. The doctor, by obligation, will have to act on this and then there will be no turning back for Rosalie. Michael stressed that she would lose her opportunity to prove that she is not going insane and that those voices she hears are real and coming from somewhere. He begged her not to let Franco, Maria or the psychiatrist push her over the edge and cause her to lose her sanity. Not before she had the chance to save it. Michael insisted that Rosalie remain strong and persistent. He promised he will help her to do that throughout this ordeal.
As they finished up their coffee and corn muffins, Michael waved to the waitress for the check. They sat silently as Michael reached across the table to playfully pinch Rosalie’s cheek. Elated, Rosalie just sank back into the booth with the feeling that a large weight had just been lifted from her body. After a few seconds, she got up from her seat, walked over to Michael’s side of the booth, and gave him the biggest hug ever. She just couldn’t help herself as she was so overcome by Michael’s understanding and kindness that she felt the need to immediately embrace him. Michael hugged her right back like it was the most natural thing to do as he got up from his seat and helped Rosalie put on her jacket. Rosalie, mesmerized by the masculine smell of Michael’s leather jacket which has now become a sensuous treat for her, thanked him with a smile.
Voices Page 14