Breaking Skin

by Debra Doxer

  “The bus,” Derek answers, eyeing me warily. “Langley said it would be okay.”

  I suppose my expression makes him doubt Langley’s word. “Does your father know you’re here?” I ask, even though I know Cole would never approve of their road trip. “Or your mother?” I give Langley a harsh look.

  She gnaws on her lip. “No. But we have a really good reason.”

  “Well, you can tell it to me after you both get dry and warm.”

  I go into my bedroom, and as I dig around in my drawers for things that may fit them, I can’t stop shaking my head. The reality of what they’ve done is too frightening to comprehend. They took the bus at night by themselves and then walked here through the city streets alone? It’s over a mile from the bus stop to my apartment.

  I bring out some T-shirts and sweatpants for them both. Then I have Derek change in my bedroom while I help Langley in the living room.

  “I’m sorry,” she says, seeing my stiff expression and mistaking fear for anger.

  The anger will come later, but first I have to let the fact that they’re okay sink in.

  Once they’re both dry and seated at the small bar in my galley kitchen, I put on the kettle for hot chocolate and face them with a stern look.

  “Tell me why you’re running away.”

  Langley nudges Derek, who fidgets for a moment before blowing out a long breath. “I’m supposed to move to LA with my mom, but I don’t want to go. Dad says it’s up to the judge, not him, but he doesn’t want me to go either.”

  “Oh no,” I murmur. Cole must have lost the custody case. I don’t understand how that could happen. He must be heartbroken. “So you ran away? Do you have any idea how worried your father must be?”

  Derek nods, his expression crestfallen. He knows he made a mistake.

  “You can’t call him.” Langley then turns her pleading gaze from him to me. “I don’t want Derek to move. I told him you’d help him.”

  “She can’t help me,” Derek says softly. “Nobody can.”

  When Langley gives me a hopeful look, I hate that I have to disappoint her. “I’m sorry, but I have to call Derek’s father.”

  Her shoulders slump and Derek looks at her. “It’s okay. I don’t want my dad to worry about me.”

  I look at him, thinking how much like Cole he already is.

  After I pour them each a cup of hot chocolate, I take my phone into the living room and locate a number I haven’t used in weeks. I send a simple text to Cole.

  Nikki: Derek is here at my apartment. He’s fine.

  A moment later, the phone rings in my hand.

  “Nikki?”

  At the sound of his voice, I sink down onto the couch. “Hi, Cole.”

  “Derek is in San Francisco? With you?” I can hear the edge of panic in his voice.

  “Langley brought him here when he told her he didn’t want to move to LA. She thought she was helping him.”

  “Christ. Are you still at the same address?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’ll be right there.”

  When he disconnects, I call Renee. She’s a little less panicked.

  “You’re telling me she took Derek on the bus with her and found her way to your apartment all by herself? I thought she was in her room, the little stinker.”

  “Cole is on his way here to get Derek. You could probably catch a ride with him.”

  “I don’t know.” She releases a long breath into the phone. “It’s awfully late. Can she stay with you? I’ll come get her in the morning.”

  “Sure.” I wonder if she doesn’t want to ride with Cole. It’s the first hint I’ve had of anything between them. “Can I ask you a question?”

  “Okay,” she replies after a short pause.

  I take the phone and walk into the bedroom so the kids won’t overhear. “Whatever happened between you and Cole?”

  She releases another heavy breath, creating static in my ear. “Nothing. It didn’t work out.”

  I wait, but she offers nothing more. “I’m sorry.”

  “Yeah, me too. I’ll see you in the morning. Say good night to Langley for me.”

  “Wait.” Now that I’ve finally asked about Cole, I can’t leave it at that. “Did you talk to him like you wanted to?”

  “We talked.” Renee hedges at first before she explains. “I told him how I felt, and he said he didn’t feel the same way. It wasn’t a long conversation.” She huffs out a brief, ironic laugh.

  I hope he wasn’t unkind to her when they spoke. Knowing Cole, he handled it tactfully.

  “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Because I just want to forget about it.”

  Forgetting isn’t an option for me.

  “Renee . . .” I hesitate. Talking to her isn’t easy. I talk around things but I hardly ever aim for the bull’s-eye. Until now. “When you asked me to walk away from Cole, could you tell how I felt about him? Did you understand how hard that was for me?”

  It takes her a moment to answer. “I knew you liked him.”

  “I loved him.”

  “I loved him too,” she says defensively.

  No, I don’t think she did.

  “It doesn’t matter anyway,” she says. “He’s dating someone else now.”

  Dating someone else? It feels as if she dropped a bomb through the phone line.

  “Who?”

  “I don’t know who she is, but I’ve seen her over there. She’s pretty and blond. I’m sorry, Nikki. It’s time to move on. I guess it wasn’t meant to be for either one of us.”

  Renee tactlessly says good-bye, in a hurry to end the call, but I stand there motionless with the phone still pressed to my ear.

  Cole is with someone else already. Of course he is. A man like him wouldn’t stay single for long. He’s moved on and so has Renee. I’m the only one still struggling, and I have no one to blame but myself. Renee asked me to walk away and I did. I didn’t try to explain things to her, and I didn’t fight for Cole because I thought I had no right to.

  Going over the things Renee just said, I struggle to recall some hurt in her voice, some pain for her loss, but there is none. She claims she loves Cole and then she relates that information so callously, so devoid of emotion, that I can’t understand it. Unless she doesn’t know what love is. Unless she’s the one who doesn’t understand.

  I recall Cole’s accusation that night, questioning Renee’s motives, wondering if she was manipulating me to keep us apart. I didn’t want to believe it then and I still don’t. But maybe some part of it’s true, even if Renee isn’t aware of it herself. If her feelings for Cole are so easily forgotten, she shouldn’t have asked me to disregard my own, and she never should have implied that if I didn’t, I couldn’t see Langley anymore.

  The blood whooshes in my ears as an ugly thought snakes through my consciousness. All the guilt I felt when Renee told me she loved Cole, all the history between us, made it impossible for me to see things clearly, just like Cole said. I thought I owed it to Renee to walk away. That’s how I felt. It’s how Renee made me feel. But this debt between us is a bottomless well that I’ll never be able to fill, and Renee is wrong to ask me to.

  Langley tugs on my hand and I startle, blinking down at her. “Why are you crying, Aunt Nikki?”

  I press my fingers to my cheek curiously because I didn’t realize I was crying. “I made a terrible mistake.”

  “Can you fix it?”

  “No. I don’t think so.”

  “Maybe you could try. You don’t know unless you try, right?”

  “Right,” I reply, amazed by her strength and her unfailing optimism.

  Even when her mother was gone, Langley never gave up hope that she would come back. But I gave up on Cole so easily. The way I ended things was cowardly and cold. I should have fought for him, and if Renee retaliated by keeping Langley away from me, I should have fought for her too.

&nbs
p; I lean back against the wall and squeeze my eyes closed, cringing at the memory of that final night, wishing I’d done it all differently.

  When I walk back into the living room, I look at Langley and think maybe there’s a chance to fix this. Maybe it’s not too late. Cole will be here soon. I can tell him I made a mistake. But he’s not coming here to see me. He’s coming for Derek, and he must be devastated at losing him. How can I make this about me? About us? I can’t. Not tonight.

  When my buzzer rings an hour later, the kids and I are on the floor playing Monopoly. Derek is still in my clothes, but the clothes he arrived in are dry now and laid out on my bed for him. I’m still in the leggings, leg warmers, and T-shirt I had on when the kids walked in the door. I promised myself I wouldn’t primp for Cole. It seemed callous in light of what he’s going through. He’ll be so relieved to see his son, he’ll hardly take a second look at me.

  My heart races as I walk toward the door. I pull it open to see Cole standing there, and the sight of him makes me ache inside. He’s wearing worn jeans and a button-down shirt, with his dark hair damp from the rain, and his startling blue eyes scan over me.

  “Come in.” I step back so he can walk into my apartment, a place I never thought he’d be again.

  Derek runs at him with apologies falling from his lips. Cole scoops him up and hugs him tightly, like he never plans to let him go.

  Langley looks at me with her eyes shining. She gets it, and I like that she understands what she’s seeing. Empathy is something her mother often lacks.

  “Get your stuff, buddy,” Cole says as he sets Derek down. “We’re going home.”

  “Not my home for much longer,” Derek mutters. He goes into my bedroom and closes the door to get changed.

  “I’m sorry. It was all my fault,” Langley quietly says to Cole.

  “It’s okay,” Cole replies. “I know you were only trying to help.”

  Then he looks around my living room, takes in the crutches I no longer use, and smiles when Siegfried walks over to him.

  “Hey, boy.” He pets Siegfried on the head. “How’s the knee?”

  I blink because his gaze is still on Siegfried. Is it so hard for him to even look at me?

  “It’s improving.”

  He straightens and gradually focuses on me, like he has to steel himself to do it. “The surgery went well?”

  I nod, but now that I look at him, everything about Cole speaks of sadness and loss, including his posture and the shadows beneath his eyes. He’s lost so much. His career, his health, now his son, and me too. I’m not self-centered enough to believe I compare to those other things, but I can’t ignore the part I played in putting that desolate look in his eyes.

  I glance over at Langley and see her putting the Monopoly pieces away, wrapped up in her task. Then I take a step closer to Cole and speak in a quiet voice.

  “I’m so sorry about Derek. I don’t understand how this could happen.”

  His jaw flexes and his lips press into a thin line. “Celeste found a doctor to say what she needed him to. That I’m in no condition to parent my own son.”

  “But that’s not true.”

  Cole absently rubs his forehead, and I wonder if one of his headaches is plaguing him. It kills me to see him like this, looking like he’s lost everything.

  I know how that feels. If it weren’t for dance, I’d have no reason to get up in the morning. Once Derek leaves, Cole will need a reason too. He’ll need a lifeline.

  “Do you still have the card that researcher gave you?” I ask.

  He gives me a curious look and nods.

  “You should call him.”

  He looks up at the ceiling and shoves his hands in his pockets. “I’ve got some other priorities at the moment.”

  His reaction stings, like it’s ridiculous of me to make a suggestion to him.

  “Think about it, Cole. Think of all the changes you could bring about and all the people you could help. It’s a good cause. It would give you something else to think about, something worthwhile.”

  His face creases in annoyance. “Look, I don’t mean to be rude, but it’s none of your business. Not anymore.”

  I wince because he’s right. We stand within feet of each other but there’s an impenetrable wall between us, and I’m responsible for putting it there. Everything I want to say to Cole bubbles up inside me. The timing is bad, but I can’t watch him hurting and not want to help, even if all I have are words he doesn’t want to hear.

  I lightly touch his arm so he’ll look at me, and his eyes cut to my hand like I’ve burned him. I pull it back, trying not to feel hurt by his reaction, but at least I have his attention now.

  “You’ll get Derek back,” I say when his eyes meet mine. “Because you’re a fighter, remember? You don’t give up. It’s one of the things I admire most about you. You take action and you inspire others to do the same. I never would have had the knee surgery if it wasn’t for you, and we never would have found Renee. I know things are hard now, but you’re strong. You were slaying those dragons all by yourself, Cole, and you’ll slay this one too.”

  Because he’s still looking at me and listening, I keep going.

  “I owe you an apology.” I press my lips together and shake my head. “I owe you so much more than that, but I don’t expect you to forgive me. What I did was unforgiveable. After what happened with your wife and the things we shared with each other, for me to leave you that way was unconscionable. You were partly right about my not believing. I always believed in you, Cole. It was myself I couldn’t believe in. Not having the courage to fight for you will always be my biggest regret. If I could have that moment back again, I’d fight for you with everything I have. I’d burn the whole fucking world down for you too.”

  His eyes flare in recognition when I use his own words, and I mean them, each one, right down to the bottom of my soul.

  “I just wanted you to know that,” I say softly.

  His throat works as emotion simmers behind his eyes. Something familiar passes between us, like a spark from a fire that never went out, but as soon as I think that, the bedroom door opens and Derek walks out.

  “Ready,” he announces, dressed in his own dry clothes.

  Cole clears his throat and takes a step back as I blink the room into focus.

  “’Bye, Langley.” Derek raises his hand in a wave. “Come see me in LA sometime.”

  She nods, and her bottom lip quivers as she tries not to cry. “You never got to finish your tree house.”

  Derek glances at Cole and directs his answer to him. “Yeah, maybe we’ll finish it over the summer. I get to come back for a little while then.”

  Cole says nothing and because his back is to me, I can’t see his expression. I wish I could because I get the feeling Derek appreciates what that tree house means a little more now.

  On their way out, Langley gives Derek a hug, and Cole pauses in front of me. His gaze searches my face and I wait, holding my breath as I hope for something from him—a kind word, a gesture to let me know he forgives me, even if he doesn’t love me anymore.

  “Thank you for watching Derek,” he says in a subdued voice, and that’s all I get from him before he walks out.

  Once they’re gone, Langley needs my comfort and my reassurance to know she’s not in too much trouble with her mother. The time I spend with her delays the inevitable onslaught of emotion that happens later when I’m alone in my bedroom.

  I cry into my pillow until I finally fall asleep.

  The locker room behind the rehearsal hall buzzes with activity. Conversations take place around me, but I let the voices float past without latching onto any particular one. Instead I sit on a cool metal bench and lean down to pound my new pointe shoes against the floor. It’s the best way to soften the toe box, something I’ve done so many times in my life, the sound is as familiar to my ears as the sky is to my eyes.

  While I was out recovering from knee surgery, several new dancers arrived
and others left. Tag is gone. He moved to New York, but Meredith is still the prima and we nod politely to each other in passing.

  This morning I had a private rehearsal with Nadia. For my first solo, I’m doing the Bluebird pas de deux from Act III of Sleeping Beauty. A pas de deux actually means dance of two, and Nadia partnered me with Dean, who has been with the company for nearly as long as I have. Even though we’ll both be onstage, this is my solo. The focus is on the female dancer, the bluebird, and most of the choreography is mine.

  As she watched me rehearse, Nadia appeared pleased and I was too. I’m dancing better than I have in years. I can feel it. It’s not just because I’m pain-free, I’m healthier, body and soul. My knee wasn’t the only part of me that needed therapy.

  After Cole left my apartment that night with Derek, the hole inside me got deeper. With how he was suffering, it was selfish of me to expect anything from him. But when I got nothing, no forgiveness, no sign of understanding, barely an acknowledgment that I existed in the world, my spirits plummeted. Each time I looked in the mirror, I wished that hole would swallow me up once and for all so I could disappear. The feeling was so strong, it terrified me. That’s when I picked up the phone and asked my doctor to recommend a therapist.

  It’s strange, telling someone the intimate details of my life. My progress has been slow but I am making progress. I no longer want to disappear, and sometimes I’m even happy. More importantly, I’m starting to feel whole again.

  I finish abusing the toe box of my pointe shoes just as the company office manager walks into the locker room holding envelopes. Conversations pause before the noise starts up again, and everyone watches as she hands them out.

  With a sigh, Deedee plops down onto the bench beside me. “Are you ready to leave after this?”

  I nod as an envelope is handed first to me and then to Deedee. I peek inside to find the four tickets to our first performance I requested. We’re all allowed two free tickets for one show in the performance run. If we want more, we can purchase them at a discount. I foolishly bought two extra tickets with money I can’t spare. I couldn’t help myself.