All I Want Is You

by mlyles

  “Nervous?” Ash asked, stepping in time with Eli, his gaze focused ahead on the trail. Though he wasn’t looking at him, Eli knew that Ash didn’t miss much. His partner could read him much more easily than Eli could Ash. He knew there was something on Ash’s mind, but he had no idea what it was. He’d hinted at it a couple of times in the hopes that Ash was talk about it, but Ash hadn’t bitten. All Eli could do was be patient, because eventually, Ash always spilled his guts.

  “Not as much as yesterday,” Eli admitted.

  A slow smile crossed Ash’s lips and his green eyes gleamed. “So the nipple clamps worked.”

  “Nobody ever warned me that a redhead causes so much trouble.” Eli lanced at the bright red-gold of Ash’s hair and then the freckles that begged for kisses.

  Ash picked up the end of Eli’s braid and pretended to study the highlights which stood out in the light of the winter sun. “Looks like you have plenty of red yourself there, Doc.”

  “Well, I never claimed to be a saint.”

  “Thank the lord for that.” Ash shoved his hand in his pocket and glanced up at the canopy of trees over them as they hit another shaded spot. “It’s pretty here, not quite like home, but still nice.”

  “It has its own charm.” Eli left it at that, sensing that Ash was fumbling toward something. He’d been hovering more and more on the words that Eli was sure Ash wanted to say and if Eli hadn’t been so distracted the last few weeks then he might’ve coaxed Ash to talk.

  “Do you think we could convince Wayne to make a rocking chair for Melanie?” Ash took his hand out of his pocket and shaded his eyes to look down the trail. “A baby should always have the chance to get rocked to sleep don’t you think?”

  Eli stopped and turned toward Ash with a frown. That was not what Ash had been about to say. He was sure of it. He took Ash’s hand and whistled for Jabbers when it looked like the beagle planned on continuing on without them. “Okay, spit it out, Ash. Whatever it is, it can’t be as bad as all that.”

  “Spit what out?” Ash asked with a puzzled expression. And Eli began to wonder if he was jumping at things that weren’t actually there just for a few minutes of delay. That was just sad. He did have plenty of good memories with his parents. There was no need for all of this procrastination.

  “Whatever it is that’s been on your mind for the last couple of months,” Eli said with exasperation. “I know there’s something and I’ve tried being patient. So come on, talk to me.”

  Understanding dawned and color flooded Ash’s cheeks much to Eli’s surprise. He actually shifted from foot to foot. What the hell was going on?

  “Oh that.”

  Eli’s brows lifted and his mind ran down a list of possibilities. Ash’s unit was being activated and he was going back to the Mideast. No, that wouldn’t have him so out of countenance. It was something he was embarrassed about, or maybe uncertain was the word, which was unusual for him. Eli could count on Ash knowing exactly what he wanted.

  “Yes that.”

  “That’s a surprise so you’re going to have to wait. Now’s not the time.” Ash gestured toward the trail. “Come on, Hollister, time’s a wastin’.”

  “You’re serious? You’re really not going to tell me?” Eli watched, incredulous as Ash started walking again. “How long am I supposed to wait?”

  “Until I’m ready.” Ash looked over his shoulder at him, solemn at first until he grinned. “Thank God, I’ve found me a patient man.”

  Eli gave up trying to get some information out of Ash and caught up to him. “As long as it’s nothing I should worry about.”

  “It’s not. So don’t get all bothered over it.”

  They continued the hike in silence and as they got nearer to his parents Eli found himself playing with the D-rings on his cuffs. After the bet was over last year he hadn’t worn them as much, but he found that he often tended to put them on whenever he felt uncertain. And the dog tags around his neck reminded him that the best thing that happened in his life wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. What was it about coming to his parents’ place that made him feel like a teenager again?

  His parents’ house sat in a little hollow not too far from town. He saw the wreath of smoke rising from the chimney before the trees opened up enough to let him see the house itself. His parents had bought the place after his Dad had realized that the Hermitage was never going to be his. And Eli had been relieved to know that they were going to settle with his mom’s family instead of his dad’s.

  Amwich was his haven. And that was really the wrong attitude to have. Eli paused at the top of the rise, but Jabbers didn’t wait for anyone and tore down the hill, barking his fool head off. Ash took his hand and Eli found himself moving again. “Come on, Doc. It’s too late for a strategic withdrawal. Jabbers has already alerted everyone in the near vicinity of our arrival.”

  “You only talk all sexy soldier like that when you want to distract me.”

  “Guilty as charged.”

  The kitchen door opened and his mother stepped outside, searching first the driveway and then the surrounding tree line for them. Eli’s heart squeezed and a nervous flutter went through his stomach. This was it, the first moment of reckoning.

  Jabbers ran circles around her, his tail wagging then bounded off to join Eli and Ash again as if to say hurry up. Perversely, it just made Eli want to drag his feet more. A breeze rustled through the trees, stirring the bare limbs and rattling round the dried leaves and undergrowth. It underscored the flutters in his stomach and the jumpiness of his pulse.

  “Hey, Mom.” Eli said with a lightness he didn’t feel and waved at her.

  “Eli!” She waved back as she headed toward them a smile breaking out over her face.

  That familiar mix of old regrets and love hit him, tempered by resentments that he couldn’t quite let go of no matter how hard he tried. And that brought inward squirming for holding onto them after all those years. This was the first time he’d seen her since the summer he met Ash and at he was already uncomfortable. The crazy thing about it all, his mom was the parent that he got along with. This was going to be a long couple of days.

  “For godssake, Elijah where’s your car?” She hugged him close, holding on like she didn’t intend on letting go. Then she pulled back to peer up into his face as if measuring all the changes in him since she last saw him. She must’ve seemed satisfied with what she found because she hugged him again before turning toward Ash.

  Eli’s heart jumped and he slipped his arm around Ash’s shoulder. Oh please, God, let this go well. “Ash this is my mom, Anita Hollister.” She didn’t even give Eli a chance to finish his introduction as she seized Ash’s hand in both of hers. Some of the painful tightness around his heart eased.

  “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Ash. I haven’t heard nearly as much about you as I’d like. Somebody needs to call more.” She cast Eli an admonishing glance. “I’m so glad he brought you to meet us.”

  “The pleasure’s mine, ma’am,” Ash said, stuffing his baseball cap in his back pocket. He gave her that smile of his, all southern charm, the smile that Eli had seen him use to get past any manner of obstacles. And damned if it didn’t work for him.

  “And so polite too.” His mom smiled and linked her arm through Eli’s before letting loose of a barrage of questions. “Have you eaten yet? Your dad is washing up the breakfast dishes, but I could heat up something for you. Where are you staying? We would’ve made up a spot for you at our house.”

  His dad was doing dishes. Since when? David Hollister had very firm ideas on what was men’s work and what was women’s. Eli had heard it often enough growing up and he’d never understood the need to label everything. After all, when his dad was in boot camp, Eli was sure that his dad had done plenty of ‘women’s work.’

  “We’re staying at one of Aunt Barbara’s cabins,” Eli said as they neared the house. “It’s not far, only a couple of miles if you take the trail.”

  “Well, I suppose
one of us can take you back up there after dark.” She looked up at Eli anxiously. Sometimes she seemed to look at Eli as if she was afraid that he wasn’t real or that he might disappear at any time. “You are staying for dinner right?”

  “We wouldn’t miss it,” Eli assured her and was rewarded with her beaming smile and another hug around his waist. After all this time, she still looked the same, still petite and slender. Gray didn’t dare touch her hair; she went after it with militant zeal and wore her hair in a sleek chestnut sweep of hair. The part that made him warm inside was seeing that the tendency to give spontaneous hugs and fluttering touches of her hands was still there as well.

  “I wish you could stay all the way through Christmas,” she said as they reached the kitchen door. “Are you sure you have to leave early? You haven’t been home for Christmas since I don’t know when.”

  “That’s my fault, ma’am,” Ash said, holding the door open for them. “I don’t have the clout yet to ask for holidays off.”

  “That’s right; Eli said that you’d passed your exams. State police right?” At Ash’s nod, she patted his arm. “Congratulations. I’m sure it was a relief.”

  They entered the kitchen and sure enough there was Eli’s dad at the sink, arms up to his elbows in soapy water and an array of clean dishes lined up with military precision in the drainer. He straightened as he heard them come in, his shoulders becoming tense. Deliberately, he rinsed off the last dish before turning toward them, drying his hands on a towel.

  The silver had thickened in his hair so he had far more salt than pepper, but the fierce look was still in his eyes, the proud carriage of his body remained. He had always reminded Eli of an eagle, unfathomable and unreachable. Eli tried to ease the ache in his throat enough to greet him.

  David Hollister gave Eli a long measuring look and then nodded in hello. “Eli.”

  “Dad.” Before that horrible, awkward feeling had a chance to sink into his guts Eli touched his hand to Ash’s back as he came forward to stand beside him. “This is my partner, Ash.” He almost stumbled on the introduction. Ash was more than his boyfriend, more than his live-in-lover. In Eli’s mind, Ash was the one and he fully planned on being a part of the rest of Ash’s his life.

  “Sir.” Ash held out his hand, not at all intimidated by the other man’s appraising stare. If Ash was nervous it didn’t show through pleasant mien that he had in place. Eli had always found that impassive resolve to be ridiculously attractive even when it had driven him nuts. He could never manage that same kind of reserve, not even at times when he needed it. At least with Ash, he knew what lay beneath the mask.

  “Come on, sit, don’t just stand there hovering.” His mom gestured to the table and pulled out a chair. “I’ll make us some more coffee and we can catch up. There’s not too much new going on here, I’m just enjoying retirement, doing some shopping and a little redecorating.”

  Eli’s mom chattered on, filling the silence as they sat and she busied herself getting the coffee maker going. “How’d the semester go?”

  “This semester was great. I had a good group of kids and the new department head is pretty laid back.”

  “Are you going to get tenure soon?” Eli’s dad sat at the other end of the table, staring down at his clasped hands. He didn’t even look up with the question, but at least he didn’t say anything about Eli antagonizing the new department head.

  “The nomination is with the committee. I’m optimistic about my chances.” Some sticklers had frowned when his relationship with Ash had come out and there had been a bit of blowback, but most of that had died down.

  His dad nodded and tightened his hands then stared off to the side. Before Eli could question his odd behavior, his mom returned to the table with sugar and creamer. “How about you, Ash? Eli said that the trials and tests for the State Police were pretty intense. Seems like you made it through okay.”

  “It was no worse than any of the training I went through with the Marines,” Ash said reaching for a mug. David’s head came up long enough for him to glance at Ash before he clasped his hands together again and looked away. “Some of the guys tried to convince me that new recruits had to climb Mt. Washington in the winter with a pack of gear.”

  “That’s insane,” Eli’s mom stared at him aghast, then looked at Eli for confirmation. “They didn’t really make you do that did they?”

  Ash laughed as he doctored up his coffee. “No, they were a bit disappointed when I didn’t fall for it.”

  “Then Ash told them some of what he had to do during his winter training with the Reserves and that ended it real quick,” Eli said and studied his dad with a small frown when he didn’t comment. Weird.

  His mom plied them with more questions throughout the morning while his dad remained strangely silent. Eli cut him another glance, his stomach starting to sour. Granted, his dad had the tendency of starting conversations that led to arguments in the past. So Eli should be grateful that he hadn’t brought up DADT or mentioned the circumstances around how Eli and Ash had met. He hadn’t even questioned the length of Eli’s hair.

  “So do you have any brothers and sisters, Ash?” Eli’s mom asked as she refilled his coffee mug. At least that was one good thing to come out of this morning. If his mom hadn’t liked Ash she would’ve been formal and distant, not sitting next to him with a comfortable familiarity and a smile in her eyes.

  “No brothers much to my eternal disappointment, but I have two sisters, one older and one younger.”

  Eli’s dad glanced up as if he were about to say something and then looked away again as if he was trying to work through a vexing problem. Eli clenched his jaw, before forcing it to relax. His dad couldn’t even give them the courtesy of engaging in a conversation with them. He should’ve known better than do expect more.

  “Sisters are a joy, I’m lucky to have mine in town with me. I sometimes help Barb with the cabins. I think retiring might’ve been a mistake, there’s just so much time to fill. So we keep ourselves busy and talk about having grandkids one day.”

  Ash laughed and reached over to take Eli’s hand. His mom’s gaze dropped to their hands and a faint smile touched her lips. His dad looked too with a blank expression that got Eli all hot inside. “My mom is expecting her first and she won’t stop talking about babies.”

  “Siblings would’ve been nice, then you’d probably get some grandkids.” For the life of him, Eli couldn’t see himself with children. “But Gareth was like a brother, at least you and Aunt Barbara had us close together.”

  “One kid was more than enough.” Eli’s head jerked around to meet his dad’s gaze. The other man’s eyes tightened, emphasizing the white-knuckled clasp of his hands and before Eli could offer an acid comment in return his dad continued. “I was away on TDYs so much when you were younger, sometimes for months at a time, more kids would’ve been a burden on your mom.”

  “Don’t be absurd,” his mom scoffed and carried the coffee mugs to the sink. “I may have been homesick, but it wasn’t that bad. And it’s too late for what ifs.”

  “My best friend’s wife had twins while he was stationed overseas,” Ash said with a glance at Eli and a squeeze of his hand. “It can be tough at times.”

  His dad made a sound in the back of his throat, Eli wasn’t sure if it was an agreement or not, and went back to ignoring the rest of the table. Eli pressed his lips together and tried to tamp down his simmering temper. Ash and Eli’s mom continued to talk about children for a bit as Eli only half listened.

  He stilled his fingers before they began drumming on the table and Jabbers whined, sticking his head on Eli’s lap. His dog wouldn’t be seeking reassurance if he hadn’t caught unto his mood and Eli began to pet him to calm them both down. Getting mad would solve nothing, only make thing worse. He’d say something he would absolutely regret later. Ash looked over at him with a question in his eyes and Eli shook his head. It was a mistake coming home. He should’ve known that his dad would never get over th
at blockage in his brain and accept him for who he was.

  The frustrated anger boiled up again. Ash didn’t deserve to be treated like he wasn’t there. And before Eli could open his mouth to say so Ash stood up. “Excuse me; I need to let Jabbers out for a bit. Mr. Hollister, may I have a moment of your time?”

  The entire table looked at Ash in astonishment, but then Eli’s dad rose as well. “Sure thing.”

  Eli tugged hard on cuff ring and thought about protesting. He didn’t think the two of them being alone together was a good idea. Maybe he should join them. Ash looked right at Eli and winked, asking him without words to trust him and Eli nodded before he could second guess himself.

  “Come on, Jabbers.” Ash whistled and the beagle went toward him after one last long look at Eli. It was silly to feel abandoned, but Eli couldn’t help that a little of that wormed its way through him before he firmly squashed it down. He needed to get over it. At least the emotion served to puncture a hole in his anger.

  Eli turned and looked at his mom in bewilderment. “What has gotten into Dad? He’s not acting like himself.”

  Exasperation crossed her face and she got up and began putting away the breakfast dishes. “You two are so much alike, I swear. And the biggest tragedy is that neither of you can see it at all.”

  Alike? There couldn’t be two people more different than him and his dad. Eli played with the D-rings on his cuff and bit back all the things that he wanted to say. After a moment he crossed over to the counter to help her. “Okay, you’ve got me. How are we alike?” She rose on her tiptoes to try to put a bowl away on the top shelf and Eli held out his hand for it. “Let me.”

  “What I wouldn’t give to not need a step stool around this place.” She gathered the silverware and began sorting them into their respective slots. “You’re both pig headed stubborn and so sure that you’re in the right that you can’t see each other’s side. It can be exhausting.”