Always Have Hope (Emerson Book 3)

by Maureen Driscoll

  “And you think I am improper?” It was the best compliment she’d received in some time.

  “Only the exact right amount. Go to him. It’s obvious the two of you care very deeply for each other. It’d be a shame if you couldn’t work things out between you.”

  “But it is a lost cause.”

  “You aren’t bothered by the difference in your social stations, are you?”

  “Of course not!”

  “Excellent. I have grown so fond of you and would hate to learn you cared about such foolishness.”

  Win had to laugh. “You may be the only duchess with such egalitarian beliefs.”

  “Position and social standing do not interest me. I married the love of my life. He just happened to be a duke. I believe yours is a former barrister.”

  “What if he orders me to leave his bedchamber?”

  “He won’t.”

  “What makes you so certain?”

  “Because he is a highly intelligent former barrister and when he looks at you, there is enough heat generated to warm all of London even on a night like this. Go to him Win. Begin your new life of freedom in the best possible way.”

  *

  Alex hadn’t ever lain in such a comfortable bed. His cot at chambers was rather lumpy. And his accommodations at Harrow and university had been little more than a plank of wood with a bit of scratchy wool on it. With such a bed he should be having the best rest of his life, except he suspected he wouldn’t be able to sleep at all because Win was somewhere in the house.

  He supposed he should be lying awake worrying about his future. After all, everything he’d worked for all these years was gone. He had no obvious means of supporting himself. He would have to start over. Perhaps, he’d go to America and start anew.

  It would be wonderful to start over again with Win at his side, because he was certain he could do anything as long as she was with him.

  She was beautiful. Not just physically. But her spirit, as well. She was remarkable.

  And she was somewhere in that house asleep. Likely wearing a nightrail that he would slip from her shoulders….

  There was a knock at his door. It was damned inconvenient since he’d been about to embark upon a rather wicked fantasy. He pulled on the dressing gown he’d been provided, then went to the door expecting to see Lady Jane with more ointment.

  But it wasn’t Lady Jane.

  Win was standing there in a purple silk dressing gown. Her black hair was in one long braid. She looked uncertain, but there was something else there, as well. He was just too unsure of his own state of mind to guess what it was.

  “Win,” he said, rather witlessly.

  “Alex,” she said, still looking nervous. “I just wanted to make certain you were well.”

  “I am well, thank you. Lady Jane did a fine job in tending to me. Are you well?” In court he’d been eloquent. Here with Win, he was a blithering imbecile.

  “I am quite well, thank you.”

  “Good. I’m glad you’re well.”

  He then decided it would be best for everyone if he stopped talking. He waited for her to speak again. Then he could simply nod or shake his head or pull her to him and kiss her.

  He particularly wanted to do that last thing.

  “Do you have everything you need?” she asked. “The staff is most efficient, so I imagine they have thought of everything. But I thought I would ask anyway. I am certain you need only ring if you need anything.”

  I need you. “Yes, everything is as it should be. Do you have everything you need?” He was, somehow, growing duller by the minute. Perhaps a change of venue would help. “Would you like to come in?”

  Panic briefly flared in her face and Alex was about to apologize and retreat in his humiliation, when Win took a deep breath and nodded.

  “Thank you,” she said. “I would like that very much.”

  *

  Win hadn’t been this nervous on her wedding night, then cursed herself for even thinking of that hellish occasion. The act had been even more painful than she’d anticipated. On the dozen times that she and Pierce had had relations during their marriage, it had always been uncomfortable. She wasn’t looking forward to the dry friction, the uncomfortable twinges. But she was determined to have relations with Alex. The time together afterward would be well worth whatever irritation she had to put up with for the three or four minutes of actual coitus.

  The bedchamber was elegant. The bed itself – which Win glanced at quickly – was covered in a rich brocade material. She imagined it was as comfortable as the one she’d been sleeping in, though this one was in the guest wing and not the family quarters, where she was situated. She briefly wondered if the duchess had done that deliberately to give them more privacy. Just the very thought made her nervous. And when she was nervous, she babbled.

  “I am concerned about you, Alex. I know you must be quite upset about the loss of your position. What do you plan to do?”

  “I don’t know yet.” He looked so solemn in the firelight. “What are your plans?”

  “I will sell the house as quickly as possible to pay off Pierce’s debts. Colin has been kind enough to invite me to live in Wiltshire. I worry about what it will do to their reputations. But I confess to being a selfish creature. I want to be with my family.”

  “Only your family?”

  “My family and….you.”

  He drew in a breath, then they both forgot to breathe.

  “Win, can it be true that you’d consider spending your life with me?”

  “If you wouldn’t mind having a wife whom everyone will think is a murderess.”

  “I know the truth. Nothing else matters. But have you thought this through? I have no way to support you. I have some savings, but certainly nothing that will last a lifetime. I have no idea what I shall do for money once that is gone.”

  “Are you saying you’d want to marry me if money weren’t a concern?” It was too much to even hope for.

  “I am far beneath your station.”

  “Nonsense.”

  “I cannot imagine your brothers would approve of the match.”

  “I cannot imagine they’d object to me marrying for love,” she said quietly. Then her eyes widened as she realized what she’d said.

  “You…love me?”

  “Well, that is…Yes.” There was no use denying it. She was well and truly a woman in love.

  “Marry me,” he said. “Please. Marry me despite the fact that I am of illegitimate birth and have no money or profession. Despite the fact we shall have to live on your brother’s charity until I find a way to earn a living. But I will find one. Because I love you so.”

  Win had to brush back tears. “I cannot trust my ears when so much happiness is at stake.”

  “Will you marry me, Win? I promise to make you a happy woman for the rest of our days, despite a decided lack of material goods. I love you, Win. With all my heart.”

  “I love you, too. Yes, please. I want to be your wife above all things.”

  He kissed her. And for a long moment, there was nothing else but the two of them together in love.

  The kiss quickly became heated. It felt so wonderful that Win wished they could continue doing that and not have to move on to relations. She knew men tended to enjoy the act itself and it was a sign of just how much she loved Alex that she would quite willingly submit to it so he could find release. She knew he’d be as gentle as possible and would likely hurry so as to not prolong her discomfort.

  His lips moved down her neck, unexpectedly making her shiver. It was a peculiar sensation to feel his breath on that very sensitive part of her. Then his hands moved down to her bottom. She instinctively tensed since Pierce had struck her there so many times.

  He immediately stopped. “We don’t have to do this, love.”

  “No, please continue,” she said shakily.

  “No. Not if it causes you distress. Know this. I will never hurt you. I will never allow anyone else
to hurt you. And any time you want me to stop, I will. Should I remove my hands from your bottom?”

  “No, I am…curious as to what you’ll do there.”

  He smiled as he kissed her again. “Well, I certainly wouldn’t want to deny your curiosity.”

  He began gently kneeding her there, massaging each globe in a mesmerizing way. Then when she was just getting used to the sensation, he began kissing her neck again. She pulled him toward her because she didn’t know what else to do with her hands.

  “Win, are you sure you’re enjoying this?” He pulled back from her as much as she allowed.

  “I’m making a mess of this aren’t I?” she said. She was going to humiliate herself in front of the man she loved.

  “Not at all, love. Just having you here is the real-life version of the fantasy I’ve been having for quite some time, now. But perhaps we should sit and talk before going further.” Holding her hand, he led her to the bed.

  “You want to sit on the bed?” she asked.

  “We don’t have to,” he said. “Let us sit in the chairs by the fire.”

  “No,” she said firmly, for her sake more than his. She wasn’t going to let fear get the better of her. Not now. Especially now. “Let us sit on the bed.”

  They both sat and she felt the warmth of her hand in his. She knew she had to explain, but was too embarrassed. Finally, she gathered her courage. “I don’t know how to do this. I mean, I understand the technical aspect, though we did this to completion only a few times and not for many years. I know that I am to lie on my back quietly and allow you to…do what you do. However, I’d like to hold you when you are…doing what you do, although I know it is customary for the woman to rest with her arms at her side. And pray do not worry about completing the act quickly. I was able to withstand the act even when Pierce took five minutes. With you, I am certain I could tolerate even twice that long. I do hate mentioning him tonight and once again I fear I have ruined our evening. It is not a very good start for us, is it?”

  She turned to look at him and was not prepared for the odd mixture of emotions on his face. She was quite certain part of it was horror and her stomach fell, thinking she had given him a disgust of her. But it appeared there was also tenderness, sorrow, shock and, to her chagrin, amusement.

  “My love,” he said, as he kissed her gently. “We don’t have to do anything tonight. Or tomorrow. Or on our wedding night. We won’t do anything until you truly want to. However long that may take. And once we do make love, you need only to tell me to stop and I will. You must promise right now that you’ll never do something just because you think I want to do so. It must be mutual. And I certainly don’t want you to merely tolerate me when we’re making love. I should also probably mention that I plan to go on for a lot longer than ten minutes.” Her panic must have shown, because he quickly added, “But though it may seem immodest to say so, I believe you’ll enjoy yourself. As a matter of fact, I would not continue if you didn’t.”

  His kindness and consideration were her undoing. Her eyes filled with tears. And while Win knew very little about marital relations among people who loved each other, she was almost certain there was no crying involved. “I love you, dearest. Very much. But I cannot imagine enjoying relations. I’m sorry. I believe I am…broken.”

  “No, love,” he said as he enveloped her in his arms. “You are everything that is right with the world. It is the rest of us who can use some mending. What if we just lie together tonight? We can talk and simply be in each other’s presence. It is up to you.”

  That did sound like a good idea. Win would hate returning to her room all by herself after working up the courage to go to him. And what would Rosalind think if she found out? So she nodded, then dried her eyes with the handkerchief he gave her.

  She could do this. Truth was, she wanted to.

  “Let’s lie back just as we are,” said Alex. “We don’t even have to be under the covers.”

  Alex moved up the bed, then lay his head on the pillow. Win did the same. They were separated by only a few inches. He took her hand again.

  “Is that all right?” he asked.

  “Yes. It is very nice.”

  And she found somewhat to her surprise that it was. There was something very nice – more than very nice – about lying next to Alex on the bed at night. She could hear the soft crackle of the fire. There’d be many nights like this ahead of her. She looked forward to them.

  She wasn’t sure how long they lay like that. She could hear his steady breathing and the warmth of having him so close. Neither of them felt the need to speak. It was enough to be together. But she suddenly realized that despite the fire, the room was getting cooler. She shivered.

  “Are you cold, love?”

  “Yes,” she said, even as she reached for a blanket. But at the same time, he gently turned her so she was lying against his side, with her head nestled on his chest and his arm on her back.

  “Is that all right?” he whispered.

  It most definitely was. She liked being held like this. She also knew that if she objected, he would offer her a blanket, instead.

  This was far preferable to a blanket.

  “I like this,” she said.

  “Good. I like this, also.”

  But he made no more moves. He simply allowed her to settle into the position. Her cheek was against his chest, separated from his bare skin by only his dressing gown. He smelled quite masculine, with a hint of sandalwood. A few inches in front of her, she could see the dark hair on his chest. There was not a great deal of it. But enough to spark her curiosity. She began to wonder how much hair he had. She wondered if it extended downward.

  While they were pressed together in the tunnels, she’d felt his hard muscled stomach. It might be interesting to see such a thing. And since they were to be married, it wouldn’t be wrong to take a quick look.

  She slowly inched closer to his bare skin. And when she finally did place her cheek against it, she marveled at the warmth. The light dusting of hair tickled. She liked feeling the life beneath her.

  She very carefully brought her hand up to his chest. He hadn’t said anything for quite some time and for all she knew he was sleeping. But she wanted to see what was beneath his dressing gown. She opened it up a bit and saw his rippled stomach. She’d never seen anything like it. What had he done to make it look that way? She longed to touch it.

  She tried opening the dressing gown just a bit further to see what was below his stomach. Perhaps she’d be less afraid if only she could see it. But, unfortunately, the gown was tied and she was denied.

  She lightly drew her fingers down his chest to the ridges of his stomach. It was an interesting contrast. His skin was soft and warm, but the muscles themselves were so rigid. She had the oddest desire to taste them, though that certainly didn’t make sense.

  Then she realized Alex wasn’t breathing. Not in an alarming way, like in the tunnels. He was holding his breath. She looked up to find him watching her. His eyes were dark, and his breathing was now rapid.

  “Please, continue to explore,” he rasped as, with a flick of his hand, he untied his dressing gown.

  She swallowed. “I would like to look, if that’s all right.”

  “Yes! Please! Looking is good.”

  She pulled back the dressing gown, then almost wished she hadn’t. His cock – she believed that was what it was called, according to adventurous maids she’d overheard – was jutting straight outward. And it was much too large to ever fit inside her. But instead of the panic she would have expected, she was curious. It looked so hard. She wondered where he kept it during the day. She’d never actually seen her husband’s member. He’d always kept it covered. But she’d never felt anything like this go into her.

  But this was a part of Alex. Apparently a big part of him. And she owed it to both of them to get to know it. She reached out to touch it, then looked up at him to see if that was permitted. He nodded so vigorously she was afraid
he might hurt his neck.

  She ran one finger down the length. She couldn’t believe how soft the skin was. It bounced a bit as she brought her finger up again. She grasped it in her hand, and Alex moaned.

  “I’m sorry, love,” he said. “I’m trying hard to control myself, but it feels so good when you do that. I’ll remain motionless, but I can’t keep silent.”

  She nodded, unsure of what to say. Unsure whether she could talk because her mouth was so dry.

  His powerful thighs looked like they were rigid from the effort to stay still, but she wanted a better angle to touch him. So, still holding onto him with one hand, she rose to her knees, then touched one of his legs. “I would like to get between there.”

  He parted his legs and steadied her with his hands as she moved to kneel between them. As soon as she was settled, he was quick to take his hands off her, as if he were afraid of scaring her.

  It was too bad. It had felt rather nice to be touched by him.

  She looked down at his cock in her hand. She looked up to see him watching her with great interest. She felt an unexpected surge of power.

  She looked between his legs, then gently reached down to stroke the delicate sacs. He groaned again and this time she grinned. “You weren’t making a jest about being unable to remain quiet.”

  “Trust me, sweetheart, I could not be more in earnest.”

  She squeezed his bollocks carefully, while she stroked his cock. He bucked his hips upward, surprising her. He was grasping the sheets. She continued squeezing and stroking. But it wasn’t too long before he put an end to it.

  “Stop!” he said breathlessly. “Love, please, I cannot take this anymore.”

  Now Win was confused. Was she doing something wrong? The power she felt was now replaced by embarrassment. She was well and truly hopeless at this. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m sorry.”

  He sat up and kissed her. “Don’t ever apologize for touching me. You did nothing wrong. It was too right. If you continue down this path, I shall lose control and spend myself. Then I shall have to apologize.”