Choosing Forever: Book 2 in the Torn Duet

by Mia Kayla

  That was exactly why I was not on social media. I had known he would search for me. I hadn’t wanted to be found. What he didn’t understand was that he was my past, Josh was my present, and Gracie was our future.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  I jutted out my chin in defiance. “Because it wasn’t your right to know.”

  “Bullshit!” He gripped the chair hard, the veins in his forearms bulging. “She’s my kid, Sunshine, and you tell me that I didn’t have the right to know?” His look turned incredulous.

  Gloves on. Bring it!

  “What? Do you think the lifestyle you live is conducive to raising a child? How would knowing have changed anything? Would you have left the band? Given up your life and settled down to raise our child in suburbia?”

  He opened his mouth to speak, but I pointed a finger in his direction. “Don’t even say it. Don’t even lie to me right now and tell me that you would have because we all know that’s the real bullshit here. You wouldn’t have. You don’t care about anything or anyone but yourself. Are you going to tell me that you’re clean now? You’ve been clean? Lie to my face all over again.” I leveled my stare, my eyes hard and cold. “At the end of the day, it’s all about you. What makes you feel good. What everyone can do for you.” I didn’t flinch as words, like daggers, shot directly at him. When I was done, I was breathless but weirdly satisfied at getting everything off my chest.

  And, as I stared at the rock star, who had once and for a brief moment been my rock star, the only thing I felt was utter disgust.

  There was no changing the circumstances. We could go around all day, but nothing was going to change. If Hawke wanted to fight for her, there was nothing I could do to change his mind. All I could do was prepare myself.

  I picked up my purse, stood, and turned to his lawyer. “I’ll have my lawyer call you.”

  I turned to Hawke, whose jaw was locked, his eyes unreadable.

  I had to say one last thing. “Raising a child takes selflessness, which is something Josh has and you don’t. As long as I’m living on this earth, your life will not taint our Gracie’s. I promise you that.” Then, I stormed out of there with my head high.

  By the look in his eyes, I had just started a war. But I would fight to the death for my family.

  I made it all the way through the revolving doors and outside. Taking in the tall glass skyscraper, I released a heavy sigh. The sun was out, and the birds were chirping, but nothing could erase the tightness in my chest.

  Hawke would win this war because that was his right as a parent. I wouldn’t fight him for that. She was half his after all. But even the idea of leaving her for a weekend with him killed me. The constant worry would always be there.

  And what about Josh and the Stanton name?

  By the time the press was done with this story, all of us would be dragged through the dirt and back. The only person who stood a chance at making it out of this situation was Hawke. The more tabloids they sold, the more money he’d make. The saying, There’s no such thing as bad publicity, would only work toward his favor.

  I closed my eyes and exhaled, one breath at a time. When I opened my eyes, clarity and desperation hit me. Once I left the vicinity, I wouldn’t have another chance to talk to him before the legal circus began, so I stormed back into the building and into the conference room.

  Hawke was shaking his lawyer’s hand, and then his eyes went wide at my reappearance.

  This time, it was my turn to be heard. “I want to speak to Hawke. Alone.”

  The lawyer’s gaze ping-ponged between us. “I don’t think that’s advisable. It would be better—”

  Hawke raised a hand, stopping his lawyer mid sentence. “Go.” He was always the one to give orders, and everyone followed like a puppy.

  The lawyer shook his head, but he left nonetheless.

  The door shut, and Hawke slowly approached me as I stayed in my spot, formulating my next words. I needed to make them count.

  He ran one hand through his hair. “I never wanted it to come to this, but I knew you wouldn’t see me any other way.” His eyes softened, his voice sincere.

  Problem was, I’d fallen for his lying face too many times, and like the boy who’d cried wolf, I didn’t believe him anymore.

  He stepped closer, and all my nerves were shot. My muscles twitched, and a nauseating feeling overtook my stomach.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” I said, voice shaking. “I was scared, and I only wanted the best for Gracie.”

  “Gracie…” he whispered her name, as though he had just learned a new word and was committing it to memory. “Don’t I get a decision on this?”

  I nodded. “You do, and I’m sorry. It was a selfish decision on my part,” I said, placing both hands on my chest. “But one that I thought was for the best. If you want to see her, if you want custody rights, we can come to a settlement. One where all parties are satisfied, but please…” I was rambling now, to the point of desperation. “Please don’t drag this out in public. Let’s not take this to court. She goes to preschool. She has friends, and we’re friends with their parents. And Josh has a well-respected job. I just want to settle this quietly.” My eyes, my voice, my being begged him to see reason.

  His eyes grazed my face, his smile deepening. “You’re still so beautiful, Sunshine.”

  I flinched. It was as if he hadn’t heard a word I’d said. His sights were purely on me and me alone. If I didn’t know better, I’d say he was using Gracie as a pawn.

  When he reached for my hand, I jerked back. He wasn’t allowed to touch me. I belonged to only one man, and that was Josh.

  My hands pressed together. “Please, Hawke. I’m begging you, for Gracie’s sake. Let’s settle this out of court. We don’t need money. We just want Gracie to be safe and happy.”

  “Fine,” he said.

  The air swooped out of my lungs, and my whole body relaxed at that one word. The one word that told me he agreed.

  But then I watched him and waited for him to take it all back.

  He held up a finger and stepped forward. “I want her life to be seamless, and you’re right; as soon as the world knows that she’s biologically mine, her life will never be the same. Paps will follow her everywhere. People will use her for the blood that runs through her veins. I don’t want that to happen. Ever.”

  Sincerity was etched in his tone, and I wanted to believe him. I so did, but then his eyes turned expectant.

  The hairs on the nape of my neck stood on end, the tension back in my shoulders.

  “But I need something from you. You know I don’t give anything without getting something in return.” He smirked. “One kiss. That’s all.”

  His words took me back to many years ago—our very first meeting when I’d been trying to get him to sign the postcard. Except, this time, I didn’t feel attraction, only disgust and pity for the man in front of me. The once free-spirited young man had turned into an old junkie without purpose and without remorse.

  I blinked, unmoving. I knew this decision would change the rest of my life, the rest of our lives.

  What was one kiss in exchange for normalcy in Gracie’s life?

  One second, one move that could change everything.

  “No.” My voice was firm and resolute. I wasn’t the same girl I’d been years ago. This time, I was taking a different route, making a better choice. “Love doesn’t work that way. It’s not tit for tat.”

  I turned to leave and ignored him as he called my name.

  The next time he talked to us would be with our lawyer. I was done. Forever done with Hawke Calvin.

  I waited.

  We waited.

  But his lawyers never contacted us.

  And we never heard from him again.

  I prayed that the heartbreak was over.

  But it wasn’t.

  Chapter 16

  Four Years Later…

  “Powder!” I ran into the kitchen, wondering where our ne
w puppy was.

  That dang dog and his inability to know that every corner was not his peeing ground. I swore, I needed to watch that little munchkin nonstop.

  When Gracie had turned seven, she’d asked for a puppy, begged and pleaded and said she’d take care of it and do double duty on chores.

  It had been months, and I still hadn’t seen her pick up the slack.

  Josh had shown up one day with a box that barked. We didn’t have room for another living being in our two-bedroom apartment, but he had given me his puppy-dog face and sworn it was his life-long mission to make the girls in his life happy.

  Josh and Gracie were working together on a Lego project on the coffee table while the TV blasted in front of them.

  “Have you seen Powder?” My eyes perused the room.

  Our two-bedroom apartment wasn’t very big, yet I couldn’t locate the little rascal.

  “He’s sleeping under your bed.” Gracie’s eyebrows pulled together into a straight line, an indication that she was in serious Lego mode.

  “Why?” I propped my hands on my hips, huffing impatiently.

  “Simple.” Josh threw a smile my way. “He’s scared of you.”

  I slapped one hand against my head. “Damn it. If he’s in hiding, it’s for a reason.”

  Four roses with their roots intact laid by Gracie’s feet. I walked over, shook my head, and picked them up. Mud particles from the roots fell to the ground, dropping against the hardwood floor.

  “Gracie, you can’t keep taking Mrs. Timberstein’s roses without asking her.”

  “Okay.” She pushed out her lip in a pout, but her eyes didn’t stray from the Lego castle in front of her. “I only wanted to get them for you.”

  I let out a soft sigh. Beautiful and smart, but also full of mischief. Gracie had a way of sweet-talking both Josh and me to get herself out of trouble.

  “I’ll put these in a vase.” I walked to the kitchen sink. Taking out a pair of scissors from the drawer, I snipped the stems in a forty-five-degree angle, careful not to prick my hands on the thorns.

  After filling the vase with water, I gathered the four beautiful long-stemmed red roses and pressed my nose against the velvet petals to take a whiff. “Thank you, Mrs. Timberstein.” I smiled at my own joke.

  Mrs. Timberstein owned the three-story apartment building next door. The front of her garden was filled with luscious roses in an array of colors. I always admired from afar, but Gracie wanted to admire the roses in a vase in our apartment

  As I carried the vase into the living room, I felt the coldness of the glass against my palm. The scent of my vanilla candle infiltrated the air around me. And the sound of the television that everyone was ignoring played in the background.

  Then, I heard four words that stopped my feet and my heart at the same time.

  “Hawke Calvin is dead.”

  Everything that followed happened in slow motion, and the world around me became vividly clear.

  From the corner of my eye, I saw Josh’s eyes flip up to mine, but not before the vase full of water tumbled to the floor, the glass splintering into hundreds of pieces beneath me.

  Josh shouted my name, his hand outstretched, knocking down the pink and purple Lego castle, but it was too late.

  I had dropped to my knees on the ground.

  Pain surrounded me, my legs, my head, my heart.

  Josh screamed for Gracie to stay put while I glanced hazily at the screen.

  It can’t be true…

  “Sam, you’re bleeding!”

  He reached for me, but I shook my head and stood.

  “Stop, Sam! There’s glass everywhere.”

  I walked toward the TV. A prickle of pain hit my right foot, but that was nothing compared to the searing ache radiating in the middle of my chest.

  How could the beautiful newscaster with her long dark locks and her flawless olive skin be spitting out such hurtful words?

  “Hawke Calvin, the lead singer of Def Deception, was found dead in his hotel room at eleven a.m. when his bodyguard went to check on him. Though it has yet to be confirmed, it is said that cocaine and heroin were found in his room, and an overdose is the expected cause of death. Hawke Calvin checked into rehab years ago but didn’t finish the program…”

  Pictures of Hawke played in front of me like a slideshow.

  “Hawke rose to greatness as a teenager. His soulful voice and rugged edge led him to be discovered through YouTube. At the age of seventeen, he won his first Grammy…”

  “Sam.” Josh’s presence loomed behind me, his voice oozing concern and sincerity and love. His hands flew to my shoulder. “Baby? I’m—”

  I waved one hand in his direction. It felt wrong for him to comfort me when the man I was grieving had caused him the most grief in his life.

  “Sam, you’re bleeding.”

  “Mommy, are you okay?”

  My eyes didn’t move from the screen. I shook my head and uttered one word, “Please.” My voice shook.

  And because Josh was my soul mate and because he knew exactly what I needed, I heard him say, “Come on, Gracie, let’s go to your room.”

  “But Mommy’s—”

  “Mommy will be okay,” he said softly. “She just needs some time to herself right now.”

  He gently placed a washcloth by my hand and kissed the top of my head. That was when I peered up and met his eyes. He clenched his jaw, and it was as though he were going to say something, but he brushed the apple of my cheek with his thumb instead.

  When they left, I took the washcloth and wiped up my knee and foot, noting the cut wasn’t as serious as the blood around it suggested.

  A chill ran through my body, and soreness spread through my lungs, making it difficult to breathe.

  Tears blurred my vision as she repeated the words, “Hawke Calvin has died at the age of thirty-five.”

  And every time the words were said, the knife in my chest twisted.

  It was as if repetition made it more real, the pain more intense.

  I stared at the television, the sounds echoing from the newscaster’s mouth leveled to a low buzz.

  I had always wondered how people could be happily married one minute and, years later, be divorced and hate each other. Or how families who had grown up together could become estranged, never talking or speaking and only seeing each other at a funeral.

  But, as I sat there, on my knees, bleeding, I understood. I realized you only hated someone so deeply because, at one time, you truly loved them. I hated Hawke because he’d hurt me, but my feelings, my love for him, had been real. Otherwise, the pain of his death wouldn’t have filled me with such agonizing anguish.

  And he loved me too just like my mother had loved me. They both loved me the best they knew how. But in the end their love for me couldn’t trump their addictions and it wasn’t enough to save their lives.

  Hawke’s funeral was private. I wondered who had gone, but I had not been invited, nor had I attended. He was laid to rest by his mother in Wisconsin, and later, I found out that was what he’d wanted.

  The lawyer called me two weeks after his death—when it still hurt and it was still fresh and I was still crying. My days bled together, one day into the next.

  I debated on not going, but I figured it had everything to do with Gracie, so I went by myself.

  The heat of the summer sun directly beat down on me as I walked toward the same skyscraper I’d met him at before. But, before I stepped through the revolving doors, I froze. My hands shook at my sides, so much that I clasped them together to stop the tremors.

  The last time I had seen Hawke, I’d been more than angry with him. I had said things that I wished I had never said and could take back. But, now, it was too late.

  I blinked and squinted at the sun, praying that the tears would not escape, not now, not when I had to be strong.

  I remembered what Josh had said.

  “You can do this, baby. You loved him, and you want to honor his memory. G
o see what they have to say.”

  I closed my eyes.

  One breath.

  Exhale.

  And then I stepped through the revolving doors and entered the elevator bank, waiting for my destination—the same floor, the same office that I’d seen Hawke alive and well. When the elevator pinged open, I walked into the office and sat down in a waiting room after the secretary had taken down my name. When she led me down the hall and into a conference room, the two men in the room stood.

  My eyes locked on a familiar face—Tilton. His red-rimmed eyes told me that the big guy was not without emotion.

  Instantly, tears formed at the corners of my eyes. I charged toward him and hugged him. His facial features showed surprise right before he wrapped his arms around me. His stocky frame but gentle hands brought me to his chest, and my tears wet his polo shirt.

  “You loved him, too,” I whispered.

  The shallowness in his breaths told me he was trying to keep it together. When he extracted me from his hold, the same lawyer I had met years back stepped forward.

  “Mrs. Stanton, I’m John Bartlett. I’m sorry we have to meet again in such unforeseen circumstances.”

  I swallowed a lump in the back of my throat and swiped my tears with the back of my hand. I sat down next to Tilton. Our chairs faced Mr. Bartlett, the view of the city and Lake Michigan just beyond the floor-to-ceiling windows.

  “I want you to know that I knew Mr. Calvin since he’d emancipated himself from his mother. He was more than just a client.” His firm gray eyes met ours. “I was there through some of his biggest life changes. And I want you to know that Mr. Calvin’s estate has been planned out for a very long time.” He turned to face me. “Even before we knew about your child together.”

  My breathing slowed as I wrung my hands together on my lap.

  What did he mean? Hawke had meant to leave me some piece of himself even before he knew about Gracie? Before she was even born and we were still together?

  When I glanced at Tilton, his eyes were focused on the lawyer in front of us. I didn’t have to wonder if he knew about Gracie because I was sure he did.